Tuesday, December 27, 2005
As many of you know, my son returned home after being a prodigal for five years. We did not know if he was dead or alive and just prior to his 20th Birthday, he finally made contact. Our first meeting was on his 20th Birthday for a party.
This Christmas was the first time our entire family had been together in 8 years! This is all that is left of my immediate family. Both of our parents are dead as is my older brother. Robby was gone for five, but we were not able to get together as a family on the same day for the three years prior to that. Robby was only 12!!! So, this was a miraculous and precious day for us all.
The others in the photos are:
My daughter, her husband and their three year old granddaughter - otherwise known as 'the most beautiful grandbaby in the world!'
My son, and his girlfriend
My sister and her husband
We also had a visitor, who took most of the pictures ... my very best friend ... Anne.
It was truly a magical day for me. Do the pictures show it? I think the kids were a little frustrated with so many pictures, but I know in a few years they will be so glad that we did it. Actually, neither of them realized that it had been that long since we were all together as a family.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
|You Are Prancer|
Why You're Naughty: Because you're Santa's pet, and you won't let anyone show you up.
Why You're Nice: You have the softest fur and the sweetest carrot breath.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Today's Verse: O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!
Romans 11:33 / KJV
Imagine the Apostle Paul writing to the Roman church. There was much to read in Rome in those days ... exquisite poetry, finely crafted moral philosophy, laws, decrees ... but all of it worldly, of no heavenly good.
Paul knew this well. He was very well educated and often, I am sure, debated philosphies with many other educated men during his time in Rome. But Paul now had a much better message to talk and write about. The Lord Jesus! Intimacy is now available with God! From the context of the Scripture, we find that Paul was writing to non-Jews to show them that now the door to the Lord was open for them as well!
He was also expressing how precious it is to know the Lord. In the Biblical sense, 'knowing' means being very, very intimate, to the point of being one. What beauty there is in the anaology of marital intimacy to the Lord.
The natural outworking of Intimacy with the Lord is Fear of the Lord. Awesome, reverent, holy fear of the Lord. And ... in that fear comes wisdom, knowledge and understanding. What awesome gifts!
Proverbs 9:12 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Isaiah 11:2 The Spirit of the Lord will rest on Him -a Spirit of wisdom and understanding,a Spirit of counsel and strength,a Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord.
Oh, the depth of the riches of knowing God!
Friday, December 09, 2005
1 Corinthians 1:18 / KJV
In The New Living Translation, we read ... "I know very well how foolish the message of the cross sounds to those who are on the road to destruction. But we who are being saved recognize this message as the very power of God. "
The message of the Cross does seem foolish to many these days. I wonder at the number of Chruch Fathers who wrote exactly these words in generations past. How would they feel if they were to be living now ... in 2005? Do you wonder how they would look at our world today?
I could write for pages on the difference between 'our time' and 'their time', but I suspect that Paul's purpose at the time he penned these words from a prison cell so many years ago was much different. I suspect that his purpose was to turn those who read the words to the Cross and its 'message as the very power of God'.
As I sit at my computer in a world much different from Paul's and that of our Church Fathers, I listen to an internet radio station playing a song with the lyrics ... 'What can wash away our sin, what can make us whole again, nothing but the blood, nothing but the blood of Jesus. Thank You for the Blood!'
The very power which raised Christ from the dead, resides within us as His people. (Romans 8:11). With that power available to us to do His work, we can indeed rest that the message of the Cross is 'the very power of God' and the most beautiful message of all. I challenge you today to meditate and speak upon this truth today.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Memories - light the corners of my mind~
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
i have been requested to develop and record a series of devotionals for our internet radio station ... wordnetradio.com
i have been thinking of doing a series on 'walking in the Spirit' as that seems to be what God is revealing to me through my counselling practice.
i've been praying that the Lord would reveal what He wants to speak through me.
maybe some of my friends with more 'well travelled' blogs (you know who you are!!) could suggest what appears to interest people?
Thursday, December 01, 2005
that's him with 'the world's most beautiful granddaughter'. i wish i had taken a picture of him all dressed up when he was going to school. i bought him several suits and he looked so good ... so pastorly.
here i go digressing again ...
anyhoooo, he did call. i miss his precious face so much, it has been three weeks since i saw him. he sounds terrible. he is not feeling well. it seems that they are dealing with drama after drama ... every time i talk to him there is 'lots of his plate'.
please do pray for my precious boy.
i know he is safely tucked in the Father's Hand. God's will for Robby's life ... it WILL be realized.
Monday, November 21, 2005
there are many Scriptures to support what i am going to write, but i do not have the time this morning to link to them. i'll come back later to do all the linking.
the foundational teaching of the Cleansing Stream Seminar is teaching the church how to Walk in the Spirit. Based upon Galatians 5 and Romans 8 for a start, the growing Christian is taught that we must crucify our flesh and walk according to the Spirit of God.
Once we are able to truly give the Lord control ... to surrender our lives to His perfect plan for our lives, we are ale to live in that secret place ... the strong tower of the Lord ... the peace that passes all understanding. the joy of the Lord becomes our strength. it's a beautiful place.
the Lord allowed me that awesome revelation in a powerful way the day that i pulled robby's bail. i had a client show up at my home later that evening... it was his regular time but he had not been scheduled. i was really out of it. sad. crying. afraid. since he was going through something far worse than i, i 'sucked it up' and went down to meet with him.
well, God does meet us when we crucify our flesh, because then we are 'in the Spirit' and able to hear His voice. the fact that i had been fasting for a week didn't hurt either. so i find myself telling this precious man that although he finds himself in a place that appears to be a set back, that God knows all ... that He may be taking him out to do the work in others, and in him. That God is in control. He knows all. Nothing surprises Him. Not 'their' actions. Not our actions. and ... He is able to bring all things togther for all of our good. He is interested in our eternal future ... our character ... our likeness to Jesus.
in my own heart
i could release my son, his girlfriend, his career, his school, his safety, his future ... and our relationship.
i've had a sense of peace for the last two weeks that is beyond understanding. and joy. and strength. and purpose. and trust. and ... well, it is well with my soul. why? because my soul (and body) is securely tucked in under my spirit, which is hidden with Christ in God. yoked up with the Lord ... easy and light.
it is a beautiful place.
so my question is ... why do we struggle to stay o u t of that place? are we nuts? why do we fight the Lord's work in our lives when we know it will bring us into perfect peace? i speak to myself as much as i ask others.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Romans 10:15 ...it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!
thanks so much to those who have held us up in prayer during this trying time. it has been a journey for sure and i'm so thankful for those who have walked it with me. i know that God will be glorified in this process ... and that we will all end up more like Him in the process.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you."
i pray that i will be able to form a sermon around these Scriptures tomorrow. this has been an incredible time for me. how He has proved Himself faithful to me emotionally when i but submit my Spirit to His and crucify this screaming flesh!
anybody know any good time management courses or books? lol
i thought i was going to die last night. my heart was so heavy and broken. bill was really getting scared.
then one of my clients came. i did not have him scheduled, but it was our usual time. well, i sat and talked with him and God really intervened through this man's struggle. i found myself talking to him and God was talking to me ...
He showed me that this does not surprise Him and thus, He is in this with robby, milly, bill, and i. He wants them both for His kingdom and He is capable of holding them and bringing them there. i immediately had such peace, it is amazing.
the kids came this morning and removed all of their stuff. and although it broke my heart to see robby carrying his things out, i was able to have such peace. finally, as he came for the last load, he was by himself. calmly, he came to me and said ...
mom, i'm not leaving you. i'm just leaving here. we can't all live together, but i still love you. i'll see you next week for school. i'll call you. i love you.
i told him that although i thought he was making a mistake, that i still respected his right to make it and that i would be here for him if he ever needed me. he will always be welcome here.
he gave me a hug.
i'm positive the Lord is working in him. i'm not happy with the way i have dealt with milly and one day soon i will have to apologize when things calm down.
i'm so thankful that the Lord continues to deal with me in His mercy.
oh Lord, bless them ... have mercy on me.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
since i have to present the students with a textbook, i have been preparing the material to publish. they will get a simple copy of the first edition ... and i cannot tell you how excited i am to edit this again.
woooooowwwww, God did an awesome job of writing this book! can't wait!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Monday, October 31, 2005
i have been involved in this ministry for almost 10 years and have led the seminar for the last four.
God has blessed me with the most incredible group of people this time around. they are so hungry for the Lord and for His presence in their lives, we can barely stop at 10:00. i'm sure if i did not close the door and turn off the lights that they would still be there praying and praising God until 1:00 in the morning! what a blessing!
our first two sessions focused on 'walking in the Spirit'. Tonight we talked about 'committing everything to God'.
to hear these precious people talk about how God has led them through the last two weeks ... shown them when they are in flesh, helped them to walk in the Spirit ... and the testimonies that they have about His great faithfulness in their lives ... well, it is so satisfying.
i've come home revived. rejuivinated. renewed. refreshed.
how thankful i am for these days ... and how i realize after all these years ... it is so easy to find ones-self in the flesh ... sigh.
He's a good God and i guess i do not have to tell you what i commited into His precious, capable Hand this evening.
thank You Lord!
i've been reflecting on what has happened and the challenges we face. even yesterday when i went to visit with sr. pastor (my boss) and his wife, i am so aware of the challenges those in ministry are facing right now.
i see it in my practice. marriages are challenged. people are tired and stressed. they're looking for something ...
i have many non-Christian clients because of the Employee Assistance Plans i work with. this has truly been a blessing for me. what an outreach! people come into the office and they immediately sense the peace and tranquility there. it's not me. that office is consecrated to the Lord. His presence is truly there in a precious way.
what an outreach to offer this place of peace and sanctuary to seeking people ... they are looking for that peace that passes all understanding that can only come from a personal relationship with Jesus!
but i digress ...
what i have been thinking on this morning is God's keeping mercy. my daily practice is to soak in the tub in the morning and read my Bible. the Lord blesses me with sweet communion of Spirit, and often i am overwhelmed that i have read 10 or more chapters before i stop. He is showing me a consistency in the Scriptures i have not seen before.
today it was romans. after chapter 12 i had to get out of the bath and start to get ready for my day. robby is struggling today ... he was up all night with a terrible croupy cough and he's wanting to sleep in a little later. it's 11:30 and he must get up as my first client is 1:00. (today is his study day at my office)
i want to cry with all that is going on in our house. there doesn't seem to be any place where i can get my peace ... the oppression is strong ...
then the Lord met me in my tub. lol. we had a time of sweet conversation. He infused me with strength and peace. He gave me the love and desire to make it through one more day with the issues we have been challenged with.
today is the first day of my fast. i am praying for His wisdom. we've been here before with milly and robby and yet, i still do not have the peace i need to tell her to leave. how He loves her. i need more of that ... i also need to know how i can possibly help this girl if she is to be left here for us to help.
that's why i'm fasting. there is no other way to get to the heart of God for me right now.
thank you penni, for your comments to yesterday's post. the Lord wouldn't let your comments out of my head ....
Saturday, October 29, 2005
the entrance to the room ...
This is what milly's room looks like today.
does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get her to get this place under control?
we've tried contacts. we tried threats. we've begged. we've cried. now we're at the point of telling her to leave.
my concern is that robby will leave with her ... it's obviously not the best choice, but it is his choice. if i could work this out in a respectful manner maybe we will not lose everything we've worked so hard to gain.
Monday, October 10, 2005
although the picture we chose is very peaceful, this is Jadzia's true personality. i love the photographer, she sets up a booth in the local mall and takes the pictures in this little black 'booth' ... you can see kelly's hand to the right, mom stands in a little alcove.
She then uses an advanced version of 'photoshop' and adds a background. last year we chose a garden, this year we chose the top steps of a church. you can see the door behind her. it's very pretty.
when we were finished, Jadzia just stood up and started to dance for the 'crowd' which had formed. the photographer caught it.
Friday, September 30, 2005
i see so many distractions in the lives of those i counsel, especially those in full time ministry. i see them in the students at the Bible College. i see them in my own life. things are happening all around them (us) and if they (we) are not careful, the distractions exhaust and walking in the Spirit becomes even more difficult.
does anyone know what i mean?
when we are walking in the flesh (our mind, will, emotions and body according to a recent study of the hebrew and greek) we are being led by the flesh. but when we walk in the Spirit ...
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
|Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate|
You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.
no drama for me? tell that to robby's girlfriend! lol.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
robby has a job.
he's working with a duct cleaning firm. Mighty Ducts i'm not kidding. lol
he worked hard this week, only a couple of days, but hard because the hours were so long. he had to take the transit bus from one end of Toronto out to our little town ... a two hour trip and about $10.00 one way. but he did it.
and he was so proud of himself. look ma, he says, my first cheque. isn't it neat?
the beauty of this job is that his boss knows everything about him ... his past ... his future, everything. he will work around robby's school schedule as it changes and will give him Sundays off for church. it is right from the Hand of God.
sometimes i am so thankful for God's mercy and grace. for His sustaining, guiding Hand. once i settled down with the bail restrictions, everything has been so sweet. robby's really making it.
that's what he said tonight.
ma, i feel like i'm living a completely different life. i'm so thankful for where i am and your unconditional love for me. thanks so much for letting me stumble around and just loving me in the process.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to it).
3. Find the 5th sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these
He's a body guard or security guard, one of the two, I'm not sure.
wow, that was a good day. it was the first *sighting* of the prodigal, robby.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
i've been reading other blogs tonight of Christians who like me are struggling with this walk. i want nothing more than to glorify Him in my life. in the minstry, we are under a microscope. not to be judged, but to be followed. paul said ... follow me as i follow Christ.
i had a long meeting with my senior pastor today. what an awesome man of God he is and how i thank God i am under his ministry. it truly is a place of safety and anointing. we've loved each other as brother and sister (sometimes spiritual father and daughter, even though i am almost a decade older than him).
how we have learned amazing lessons over the last several months.
over the last few days, bill and i have been agonizing about what to do with these kids. we know that milly needs to be back home ... we know that we were to open the door to her ... it's been so difficult to iinclude another person in our lives after five years, let alone two.
but what a lesson it has been!
my busy schedule has not allowed for much interaction. i have had to come home to listen to bill's complaints, robby's complaints, milly's complaints. i've talked to the Lord and other friends, ad nauseum, about mine. we've learned to love and tolerate and flail (is that a word??) around searching for the boundaries we are beginning to wonder are long gone.
once again, i had to consecrate this boy ... to realize that in asking milly to leave, i might be losing my son as well. i had to realize - the Lord is sometimes not so tender with his shepherds as He is with His sheep - that i had been agreeing with fear and not with Him.
ouch. ouch. ouch.
robby has been learning the lessons a pastor needs to learn. how it has hurt to watch him, knowing i have to stand back and let him struggle with the Lord to work out his own salvation and fight his own demons.
*sigh* being a mama ... being a counsellor ... being a pastor. i'm so thankful that the Lord is leading us down this narrow hallway. there is something coming ... we must be prepared.
Friday, September 16, 2005
here i am again, Lord. i'm standing outside a door in this doorway rattling the doorknob, yelling, and knocking.
i thought You told me to go to this door? am i not hearing Your voice correctly?
Lord, i want nothing more than to do Your perfect Will in my life and to lead Robby as You have called me to do. again, in the early hours, i come to You and again, i consecrate this journey to You knowing that You will lead us tiny step by tiny step.
i know that You long to be glorified in our lives. Lord, please, anoint me to show Your love and the fruit of the Spirit in my everyday disappointments.
hmmmmmmmm. robby and i went to court yesterday morning at 9:00. we were told that if we were there that within an hour or so that the bail restrictions would be changed and the transfer of surety from nancy to me would be complete.
then robby could start school and his life.
it didn't happen. why did it not happen? at 2:00, they still had not found robby's file! the file which includes charges, the 'victim's' disclosure that she lied (old girlfriend, breakup, false charge of domestic abuse, yadda, yadda). these are charges which will be dropped in due time, but due time must be due.
Lord, what are you teaching us? me? robby?
at 2:00 the duty crown, bless her heart - she worked so hard for us, told us to go ... that was great because my first client of 6(!!) was in half an hour. so we 'wasted' a day waiting in the court.
or did we?
we had a great day. we had breakfast together, we had lunch together, we went outside so he could have a smoke, we went inside and sat on hard wooden benches and talked, we went outside for him to have a smoke. we went to a local store and got a great deal on some excellent quality pants for him to return to school. he sure does 'look' like a pastor even if at this point he doesn't act like ... nor can he go to school to learn to be ... a pastor.
i think i'm starting to see something ...
the lessons. he's learning valuable lessons.
they rebooked his court date for october 6th. that pretty well settles his school. he will have missed three weeks of classes. that is almost impossible - outside of God's strong anointing - for him to catch up with the classes. if, that is, the registrar will even consider enrolling him.
me thinks we have been rattling door handles that the Lord does not want us to open.
i get this picture in my mind of me ... did you catch that? me ... not robby of whom this story is supposed to be all about ... hmmmmm ... me ... rattling the door handle and the Lord standing on the other side. he's got His big Hand up against the door preventing me from getting that d.a.n.g.e.d.t.h.i.n.g. opened. rattle, rattle, bang, bang. sigh.
ya think maybe i'm not getting it???
oh, Lord. thank You for leading us. please, continue to lead us. i'll listen, really i will. thank You for the lessons we are both learning. i love you so!
as we are walking out the door, pastor robby says to me ...
"mom, He has to have a reason for this. He has promised to lead us tiny step by tiny step. His perfect Will ... it will be done. we just need to trust Him."
ahhhhhhhh, a lesson from God through pastor robby to pastor carolyn. don't you love it?
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
God gave me a vision this week of walking down a very narrow hallway. there are doors all along the walls. robby and i are walking and trying the doorknobs. on the doors that the Lord wants us to open, the doors open before we approach the door. at the doors where we try and they are not God's plan for robby's life, we are rattling the doorknobs.
He showed me rattling and shaking a couple of doorknobs and then explained that He would make it 100% sure that i knew this was a door we were not to go through. all the rattling and skaking and knocking would not open that door no matter how loud we yelled and knocked.
i realized He was telling me that He was going to lead us moment by moment, step by step.
we've been trying to get robby in Toronto to go to school, to do his community service hours, to go to church, and we've been stopped by the lawyer since the end of June. we need to have his bail surety removed from nancy to me and have met with delay after delay. we've been calling, leaving messages, getting other people to call, and this lawyer will not even return the calls. i've been crying to the Lord, i don't understand.
finally, with the help of a duty counsel (who is also a sister), we will be able to have what we need done on thursday. it means that robby will miss the first week of school, but that's ok.
it has been a powerful object lesson from the Lord.
He deals with me a lot in this way. it has been a powerful tool for me to use in counselling as i can quote a Scripture, but to express it in real life 'drama', it makes so much more impact.
The Lord is showing me. He's been leading us ... step by step. in HIS time, not in ours. His guiding Hand opened the doors before we knew they needed to be opened and held closed the ones we thought we were supposed to go into.
when we ask Him to lead us, He takes that seriously and if we are but ready to walk a small step at a time, we'll hear His voice and see His light on the path before us ...
what a relief!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
have you ever wondered why certain things appear to be good to go and yet they do not materialize. and ... you have perfect peace in the process, but just don't understand why?
this seems to be our lives lately. in retrospect, i see God's powerful Hand closing doors all around us and directing us.
robby went today to register for grade 12 - to finish his highschool and ease himself into life again. we thought it was a great idea until all of the doors closed. we thought everything was good to go, but yet, they told him he was too old to come back, and that he would be better suited for 'alternative learning' (read rebellious kids hidden away 'cause they're going to fail anyhoo), but that 'alternative learning' was not available to him because it was full. then he was told he could go 30 minutes east to another town for another - even worse - school.
we didn't want to accept that.
robby went back to the principal after a couple of hours and said ... listen, all i want to do is learn. i don't care if i am 2 years older than anyone else. i've wasted five years and i only want to learn. please give me a chance.
she said ok.
go to a guidance counsellor and register.
the guidance counsellor says to robby .. you know what? you're smart and you're mature, i think you would be better suited to go to college or college prep instead of spending the two years it is going to take you to catch up your grade 12.
when he asked robby what he intended on going - trade school - or whatever? robby told him Bible College and then told him which one ...
the guy says - i know that college! oh, by all means ... go! this from a secular guidance counsellor.
we expected another year, but it appears to me that God has closed all of the doors to us except this one. the college does have a high school attached, so robby might go there for the last year, or he might go to college, we don't know.
we have an appointment later this week.
i'm starting to understand why we have gone through the sleeping arrangement thing like we have. he has to come to the place where he obeys because it is our rule and God's rule, and he wants to be obedient because he chooses to be, not because he has to be.
Matthew 21:28-32 But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him.
how can a future Christian counsellor or Youth Pastor possibly do his job if he is obeying the Lord because he has to? he won't last a minute like that. all of us in ministry know that it is a continual, constant crucifying of the flesh to stay afloat. how dear robby is learning this lesson first hand.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
it has become necessary for our milly to leave her home. i alluded to it earlier and i do not feel that i can share all of the details, but i will share that she has no other family, she was not even living with her parents, but her mother's cousin and there was a good deal of abuse and other activity involved which left her with nowhere else to go but to our home.
we could have sent her to a shelter, but i've been in one and i know it would be out of the question for her. she's street smart in some ways, but broken in others.
robby wants milly to sleep in his room with him. they have both assured me that they have chosen not to have sexual relations, and that they fully intend upon getting married in a few years. i certainly concur, they are made for each other.
of course, bill and i disagree with them sleeping in the same room. morally ... because i am a pastor ... and for their own good.
i have tried to explain that when i accepted the ordination, i took all the curtains off my home. i must live to a moral standard that is above reproach for the sake of the people God has put under my care.
- they both agree that this is not the 'way it should be'. she should be home with her family.
- they both agree that the Word of God is clearly against premarital sex and even the appearance of evil.
- they both agree that the church would not approve.
- they both agree that they need to obey the rules of our house and our morals.
- she knows that she wouldn't have been able to do this at her home, and they were not christians, nor in full time ministry.
they believe they are not doing anything wrong because they are not having sex.
they really have grown up in a completely different world. we wouldn't dream of bringing this up to our parents. this generation thinks nothing of it. society thinks nothing of it.
bear in mind, robby knows he will be a pastor one day, but his relationship with the Lord (i want to say 'obviously' but have a check about it) is not what it will be. he says it is much better than it 'was', but not what it will be. i believe that it is Holy Spirit's job to convict them of sin, not mine.
there are other issues involving my husband that robby brings up. he has done it privately because he does not feel that he should intrude or judge what bill is doing, but he has a point. bill has some besetting sins that are as bad or worse than the issue at hand. i have discussed the difference between a parent and a child. but robby really is not a child any longer. he believes that bill is being hypocritical by doing this and not dealing with his own issues.
*ducking the flame thrower*
problem three, and probably more the root of the situation:
- i'm afraid i will lose robby if i am hardnosed about this
- he is afraid he will lose her
- she feels she has caused way too much trouble at our home
- we are all afraid that this will cause irrepable harm to my marriage because bill is dead set against her living in the home for a moment longer than necessary.
- i want to honour my husband, but feel he is being very hardnosed and not dealing in love with this.
- as a pastor, i know i should be dead set against this, but i have such peace that we will come to a compromise that will work for us all and that getting legalistic and hardnosed about this is not the solution.
have i lost it?
we have come to a solution, not everyone is happy about it, but it is one that we can all live with for the moment. we have agreed to come back together in one week and discuss how we feel.
we have agreed that bill and i meet with our senior pastor - my boss - and talk about our feelings.
they have agreed to meet with senior pastor and talk about their feelings.
is there a glaring issue i am not seeing?
mothers really cannot counsel their own family.
what do you think?
robby is going back to school next week. he decided that he would return to the local highschool and complete his grade twelve diploma before going on to Bible college. i think this is a very good decision and i applaud his maturity and courage to do so.
as he is still not working, i took him out to make sure he had some nice clothes to return back to school. you would have to know this dear man's heart to realize how difficult it is to be without money when he had spent several years in the drug and gang arena. there was always money available and his wardrobe was high end.
now he is buying $20.00 wallmart track pants.
today we decided that it would be a mom and robby day and so we went out to lunch alone and then off to wallmart. his stash of four pants and three sweat shirt cost $85.00. his shoes are falling apart and since we couldn't find size 14's (!!!!) there, we went to the local mall. i knew that i would probably have to pay as much for one pair of runners (i remember 5 years ago well) as i did for all the clothes.
we found some runners and they were having a sale at the store for 1/2 price for another pair, so i bought him two. then i saw his eyes light up when he saw a basketball suit. he didn't know that i saw him and he went off to look at the t-shirts. i went over and found that the suit (white, no less) was on sale for 1/2 off again (it was a really good sale) and that i could get this $200.00 suit for $100.00.
i grabbed it off the rack and gave it to the salesperson. robby was almost in tears. i couldn't decide if it was shame, thankfulness, or what it was. all along he was sad because i had to purchase these things. i, on the other hand, was having a great time! it is a joy to buy him anything because he appreciates it soo much.
i was kidding him about just being thankful because to not be would be to steal my joy and my blessing. we joked about it on and off all day.
well, the bill rang up to just over $300.00. The girl looked over at robby and she said ... i guess you'll have a lot of dish duty to do for this, huh?
robby, poked me and said, 'nope, i'm not going to steal my mom's joy.'
when he was walking out of the store, he said he was going to go over to look at something in another store. the sales girl remarked how lucky he was.
i told her that when she has other mothers or fathers who complain about having to spend money on their kid's back to school clothing that she has permission to tell all about the mom who paid $300.00 with tears of gratefulness in her eyes because she had a son alive who could wear them.
i know it impacted upon her.
i pray that others will be blessed. i love to share the blessing of what i am living right now ... i sure wouldn't want anyone to steal the blessing that could be received from his story.
for all the stuff we're dealing with and all the uncertainty, i am reminded of the incredible honour it is to be the parent of any child. robby is giving me more joy than i can even begin to express just by being himself and being alive.
God is surely a good God.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
life is heating up here. nothing like what our dear neighbours to the south are living through, i cannot imagine how they are holding up in the south. thank God there are kind hearted souls who are rushing to their aid. from up here in canada all i can do is send some money and pray, pray, pray, but ... as my dear friend penni says, i digress ....
my precious son and his girlfriend are just so much fun to be around. i wish i had a picture to post of them but neither of us stick around long enough for the camera to be of any use! *wink*
edited ... i now have some pictures ...
i will not share the details of milly's trials because that is her story to tell, but ... she has moved in with us due to issues at her home which just could not be resolved. we have been trying for over two months to mediate and bring unity there, and unfortunately, it was not successful.
last night, this dear one moved into our home. i wish you could see the downstairs of our house and even more so, my precious husband's face! just imagine what an almost 18 year old girl would bring when she moves in! i don't have that much stuff myself at almost 50! bless her little heart.
so, with all the crisis going on, i kept calling it 'drama'. it sure seemed like that to me. i could write a soap opera on the stuff that has been going on in her family. finally, i got a little frustrated with robby because he has been very distracted by the goings on and told him that the 'drama had to stop' and he had to get his mind and his actions focused on his future. now is the time and milly's crisis will go on and on and on, so he may as well get some of his own life on the right track.
well, it was not well received. it was actually kind of funny to be bickering with my son. can you imagine? a mother saying that she enjoys bickering with her son?
i should have called penni before i started to talk with them because she understands this generation's language more than i do.
it was the 'drama'. you see, a drama queen is one who causes lots of trouble everywhere she goes and loves it. a girl who cannot have a normal life because it is not fun and she makes sure that everyone else's life is all wrapped up in her life so that she can feel worthy or needed or whatever. hmmmmmm.
he was not impressed i was using that term. hmmmmmm. is there any truth there?
i didn't mean it in an unkind manner at all. i love this girl like she is my own daughter. truth be told, she reminds me of me so much when i was that age. she has been living in the most impossible situation all of her life and deserves an opportunity to put her life on track and show the wonderful things God can do through her.
but i'm not supposed to call her a 'drama queen'. which i did not do, well, maybe once, but not with the nasty intention. funny. i love how he supports her and loves her. it's cute.
things are fine now. i apologized to her and explained my understanding of 'drama'. just stuff that doesn't end and is not fun, you know?
so .. what do i call the stuff that is going on in my house? is it drama? is it stuff? all i know is i went from a nice quiet home to a home full of kids and stuff and music and love. that part is so great. bill's not impressed, but he'll move over eventually and get used to it. maybe he's the drama queen??? it wouldn't be me???
Friday, August 19, 2005
she's such a fireball! we had so much fun. she'll be three in a little over a month, but she is the tiniest thing. i put her in the stroller and we walked down to the beach just a short walk from my home (lake ontario) there is a wonderful park for the kids and because the storm you see in my other post was brewing, there were few people there. we enjoyed that beautiful 'calm before the storm' time and played in the park for a little more than an hour.
what fun. i've promised to take her over tomorrow should the weather hold and i'll take some pictures of her running from one area of the park playground to the other. it is a great jungle gym and she made good use of it today!
well, i brought her back for her nap at 1:00 and needless to say, grandma's house is waaaaaaaaay too much fun to have a nap at so she ran around and terrorized me while i attempted to put together a new filing cabinet for the room i am going to be using as an office.
then we had THE STORM. that was way too much fun to sleep through. well, the little sweetheart finally crashed on the couch after her bath. i'm sure she has not moved for at least 2 hours now .. here's a picture ...
don't you just love digital cameras? we get such great shots sometimes!
we had an incredible storm today. the thunder lasted longer than i have ever heard it in my life! this is the water rushing down our driveway. thank God our house is about 8 inches above the ground, otherwise, we would have had very wet floors.
there were areas in toronto where the water was three feet high! wow.
what's going on??
i don't know how clearly you can see this, but it is a piggy bank that stands at least 5" high and it is well under water. this is at my front door!
Sunday, August 07, 2005
He based his sermon on Deuteronomy 22:9 "You shall not sow your vineyard with different kinds of seed, lest the yield of the seed which you have sown and the fruit of your vineyard be defiled."
this guy had us jumping all over the Bible to support his comments. i did not agree with everything he spoke on (a little unbalanced on the 'name it, claim it' side - there's nothing worse than one pastor commenting on another pastor's sermon, huh?) but i wanted to write about one part of the sermon that really impacted me.
when he talked about 'seed', he talked about it in relation to the Word of God, but also to our words. i've often taught that our words have life. they will either give birth to life or death in our lives and those around us.
Proverbs 4:22 Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.
Luke 6:45, Matthew 12:34 ... For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
He went on to talk about us speaking life and death over ourselves at the same time ... mingling our seeds ... and receiving the harvest of defiled fruit. When we speak 'i know God will heal me, i've been healed by the stripes of Christ' and when it takes longer for the healing to manifest itself, we say 'i wonder if the Lord is trying to teach me something from this illness' that we are in fact sowing different seeds into our lives. those of faith and those of unbelief.
theologians like to argue about this concept almost as much as they do election and predestination.
while i am not going to provide an answer to this, i want to share what the Lord showed me ...
this is profound because my husband and i have struggled with illness almost from the first of april this year. first me with gallbladder and torn ligaments in my ankle and then him with a serious enough back injury to put him off work longer than he has ever been in his 40+ year career.
we've wondered what we've done wrong. we've prayed. we've fasted. we've rebuked the enemy and infirmity. we've asked the Lord to show us what to do. but we have still been left to struggle through this illness and glorify the Lord as much as we could during the process.
i've always been impatient with people who will ask you how you feel and when you tell them the truth they say: 'no, you are healed by the Stripes of Jesus!'. i looked at the cast and felt the pain in my foot and wondered, 'well, where is it?' why would i want to lie when the truth is, i'm injured and in pain and to tell someone that i was healed would be a lie.
what the Lord showed me was ... from the moment that the illnesses started to manifest, even before they started to manifest ... the healing power of Christ on the Cross was manifest in our bodies and our lives. and since 'greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world' and since 'the very power which raised Christ from the dead lives within us' ... all we need to do is agree with the healing work of God and speak into it rather than not.
another way of saying it - according to our friend:
the facts are ... the ankle is sore and ligaments are torn.
the truth is ... the power of Christ is working in that ankle to bring it to complete healing ...
now that i can wrap my mouth around. that i can take into my heart and believe.
the challenge is to speak life into the situation or the illness like 'i thank You Lord that Your power is working in my ankle to bring it to complete healing! not 'i don't think this thing is healing, etc.'
it doesn't help me to explain to the precious couple who came to me this week asking why their ten day old baby died when they had been speaking these words of life and faith over her, but i guess that is another post, huh?
i'm not questioning my faith ... hear me ... i know the Lord is faithful and that He heals ... i received a complete physical healing from multiple sclerosis eight years ago! i just needed to look at it another way.
what do you think???
Sunday, July 31, 2005
He is a great, good God. i often kid with my friends or my clients that i should be a pile of ashes for all the things i think, say and do that the Lord has not judged me on. oh sure, we always reap what we sow. i am so thankful that He gives me time to 'think on what i am thinking' and to repent. if we were judged immediately, well ... as i say all the time ... i would be a pile of ashes from the lightening bolt.
but He is good.
what a good God we serve.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
i've been struggling for the last few weeks with fatigue and just plain overwork and stress.
having robby back home has been great, but it has been very tiring. he's moved in our back bedroom on the first floor of the house and has taken over the downstairs livingroom. it sounds like a big house, but it's really not ... we put a second floor on a sweet little cottage ten years ago but decided to make half of the upstairs floor another living room. bill and i have a huge bedroom, a large bathroom with a jacuzzi tub and the living room upstairs.
it's worked out quiet well.
robby now has his girlfriend and a few friends over - what a joy to have him around the house - and since we've moved some furniture around, i now have the computer upstairs. that's where i am now.
robby and his girlfriend, milly, have been struggling with some sort of flu the last week and guess who got it next? yup, me. *sigh*
so, i've come up from the couch and my migraine long enough to post this, and now i'm back to the couch and a movie. *sigh* i don't like being sick.
but ... this is my quiet time of year, so i do not have to see another client until tuesday night. i'll rest until then.
thanks friends for calling me out. i'll back back ... sometime ...
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
today was one of those days. i didn't want it to end. six clients. one accountability partner who wanted to help in ministry. powerful anointing and powerful freedom.
i have the awesome honour of working full time in the Lord's ministry. somedays i end my days so overwhelmed that He would choose to use this cracked pot with which to pour out His love and healing upon others.
how can i ever begin to express how it feels to be so overtaken by the perfect, unconditional love of the Father for His children? we fall so short in our humanity to even begin to understand the height, depth, breadth or width of His love, but yet ... the Scriptures tell us we can!
17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.
Christ, dwelling in our hearts by faith ... when we are rooted and grounded in that love, we can comprehend it. the word translated 'comprehend' means to take eagerly, i.e. seize, possess, etc. oh how willing i am to 'take eagerly ... seize ... possess!!!
once we've had a taste of that love, nothing else will do. once i got a taste of that love, i wanted freedom to be able to express it to all i met. if only we all had it in abundance to express to a lost, frightened, lonely, thirsty world. the church buildings wouldn't be able to hold those coming for just a taste.
Friday, July 08, 2005
This is my precious Granddaughter, almost three. My daughter is such a good mommy, giving her all sorts of experiences ... they have such a good time together playing. The nightgown she is wearing is one that Kelly wore when she was the same age. It makes my heart sing to see Jadzia wearing it. Precious or what???
Kelly sent these to me. the cute thing is Jadzia in all her drama queen glory decided to water mommy!!
Just look at that face.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
i know i need to update things here. it has been so busy around my house ... bill is still off work, i'm working hard - lots of clients, and i've been spending a lot of time with Robby. as i type, he's crashed out on our pull out couch in the living room because he has agreed to come and do some gardening work for bill today.
so on to walking in mama's shoes ...
sunday night, robby and his girlfriend, milly, asked me to take them to church. robby had been to the lutheran church around the corner with the family he is living with. apparently the sermon had hit him between the eyes. powerful stuff.
Thank You Lord for using Your men and women of God to speak Your words of life to us.
so i pick them up and we try to decide which church to go to. my church does not have a sunday night service because we rent out our facilities to another church on sunday night. we have one on friday night instead. so we decide on a local pentecostal church because that is our background. we drive up ... can't believe it ... huge church, no service.
so we go to another local church ... no service. the kids insist, they must go to church. i remember a little church that a friend goes to. we stand outside the church so they can have a cigarette (old habits die hard) and the two of them are feeling very, very sick to their stomachs. thank You, Jesus, that they know enough not to let it stop them!
we go into the service. the music was great, the Spirit of God was evident. wonderful! i know several people there, it was a great time. the sermon was fantastic. i could see robby studying the pastor ...
as the pastor is closing the service, the Lord gives him a word, just for these two kids. he says
i know, by the Spirit of the Lord, that there are at least two people here who have very deep wounds in their hearts. they're wondering about how to serve the Lord. He wants you to know that He accepts you just the way you are. warts, mistakes, history and all. He only wants your heart.'
need i tell you what happened next? awesome. i cannot tell all of the rest of the story, because it is robby's to tell. but i know he will tell it one day.
what i will tell you is robby told me later ... 'i was studying the pastor because i was thinking there was no way i could ever do what he was doing. he was so good. but after what happened tonight, i know that i know that it is my purpose in life, that i must go to Bible College and be the youth pastor that God called me to several years ago.
Oh Lord. You are so faithful. Father, how can i thank You for allowing me to be present when he made this decision. how can i thank You for the mighty way You have kept him over the last five years?? You are an awesome God. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!
Friday, July 01, 2005
now that i have figured out ... hopefully for good ... how to use Picassa, i must post a picture of our Butchie, king of the street.
he sits under the trees and watches the neighbourhood from this great vantage point. we can see him from our dining room window and have giggled many times over this sight.
today is Canada Day. it was awesome to pick up Robby and then Kelly and Jadzia and spend the day together. what fun we had! this picture is from us exploring the 'marsh' just south of our house. we live just a few streets north of lake ontario in what used to be Toronto's version of cottage country. now we're just part of the 'burbs.
kelly and robby told me about the paths they used to travel as kids and i was shocked that i had never travelled this area with them. twenty five years in the same neighbourhood and i'd never been there. we had such a great time treking through the trees and the bush. robby first, jadzia second, me and then kelly with the baby carriage.
i am so thankful for the up side of the roller coaster. today was one of those times. we're swinging high and low and fast, and even though it is so difficult, it is awesome to be together as a family again.
i know the Lord will carry us through this time.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
i have had almost no contact with robby since june 8th when i took him to court. i found out that he lied to me on an issue and i've had to separate myself to deal with my emotions.
my husband bill has been off work for two weeks (more time off than i have ever known him to take even after surgery) with what we thought was sciatica, but it turns out he has hurt a groin muscle which has pulled a vertebrae out and put his back muscles in spasm. the chiropractor says it is the most painful thing possible. bill's in agony. all of his weighbearing muscles are in spasm and they are pinching his sciatic nerve. unfortuantely, all he can do is lay on his stomach on the couch. he's on mega painkillers ... it's not fun at all.
i can't do much around the house because i still have a cast on my ankle. that's another story, but i don't have time nor the energy to get into it.
i ministered at a retreat last weekend and further injured the ankle by being on my feet for so long. *sigh*
so we're laying low. i'm driving him all over to doctor's appointments and trying to keep my client base up, so it doesn't leave much time for anything other than hanging on.
thank you so much for your continued prayers. i'll be back with gusto when this is all over.
through it all, God is Good!
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
i need every prayer i can get. for peace, wisdom, discernment and direction. thank you to those who have been praying.
thank you to those who have called me at home or who have left messages.
thank you to those who have sent cards.
i feel like i am in the battle of my life. i feel like robby is in the battle of his life.
but ... God is good. all the tme. He will prove Himself faithful during this time. He has plans for robby ... to prosper him and give him a future. He holds robby (and me) in the palm of His hand and will work all things out for our good. we are called according to His purpose. we will overcome. we are the head and not the tail. God will draw him unto Himself. robby will serve the Lord. the blessing of a thousand generations is ours. greater is He who lives within us than he who is in the world. greater! mightier! faithful!
please friends, would you help me to keep my mind on the Lord? would you post a promise, a Scripture, a word? thanks for your love and support.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
(i am so challenged on this net stuff ... note to self, set aside some time to research how to do those thingies!!)
other than being idle and lazy, it had me pegged right on.
You were born on a Friday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 6.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2436003.5.
The golden number for 1957 is 1.
The epact number for 1957 is -1.
The year 1957 was not a leap year.
As of 6/7/2005 6:24:19 AM CDTYou are 47 years old.
You are 576 months old.
You are 2,504 weeks old.
You are 17,525 days old.
You are 420,606 hours old.
You are 25,236,384 minutes old.
You are 1,514,183,059 seconds old.
There are 7 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 48 candles on it.
Those 48 candles produce 48 BTU's,
or 12,096 calories of heat
(that's only 12.0960 food Calories!) .
You can boil 5.49 US ounces of water
with that many candles.
Your birth tree is
Fig Tree, the Sensibility
Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, good sense of humour, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.
There are 201 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.
The Life Path 6 indicates that very prominent in your nature is a strong sense of responsibility. You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support. This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on. While the 6 may assume huge responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.
The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others. Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others). The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern. The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.
Monday, June 06, 2005
i promised to go with him for support and to speak with his lawyer to see if there is anything i can do for him from my side. he could do all of his community service with our church, but he needs permission to be in Toronto as there is a restraining order on him. (very, very, long story)
oh, i am not cut out for this type of life. i can't believe how stressful it is ... he seems to be ready to let it all go, that is good, but we still have to go through the reaping business.
i guess that's why the Lord brought him back now.
oh, and i had a chance to speak with Nancy yesterday. i took Robby's clothes over and she was standing on the front yard with her boyfriend. he's a nice guy ... we had a nice talk. he's in the same sort of business (intake counsellor for a men's shelter) and we had a lot in common. the conversation was a touch strained between us - the first time in four years - but it went well.
when it was time to go, i thanked her (and very sincerely, from my heart) for all that she has done for Robby over the last few years. she was shocked. it was interesting to see the emotions pass over her face. that is not something you can fake and i truly meant it from the bottom of my heart. if you had told me that even two months ago i would have laughed, but God has brought such amazing healing in my heart.
i pray He does the same with hers.
so Robby and i are off to court tomorrow morning...
Saturday, June 04, 2005
what i didn't share was the good stuff. the laughs. the many, many sweet memories we talked about. the Lord.
we talked a little about the Lord. he told me how he used t pray when he was in jail. in his own jargin, his relationship with a distant Lord he wants to know better but doesn't know how.
he's come to the right place. but that is going to take time and relationship. the last thing i wanted to do was preach to him, i just tried to do it with my life and my love for him.
i also didn't write how he didn't appear to want to leave last night, nor how he didn't want me to leave. how he came around my side of the car and gave me a big hug before he left. a big hug by a big guy in an old wrinkled suit. he looked so cute. still my little boy. i didn't catch it until this morning. i was so anxious to get back to Bill because he was so grumpy, i missed robby's invitation to stay at the donut shop.
he asked me if i would be willing to come back and drive them home later. what does that mean? he was not all that far from his house ... and ... there are buses. he just did not seem to want to let go. always this sense of something that is being left unsaid. always this sense that he does not want to leave me. that has been consistent since the first time i saw him last Tuesday.
maybe he is not as entrenched in this as i think? if he was going to get stoned last night, it would have to be a decision, not just something they all do. from all he talked about on the trip and for the last week, it's obvious he is stuck in that place between this lifestyle and change.
thank You Lord for the brightness of the morning and a good night's sleep. everything always looks brighter in the morning.
i also want to thank my friends for their continued prayers. i KNOW that i know that i know ... i would not be standing without them. yours coupled with the prayers of Jesus.
Friday, June 03, 2005
this is going to be very long, i have a lot to write about, a lot of emotions to figure out.
robby, amy, and i drove about 2 hours to another town to pick up some of robby's possessions. it was a great trip. we met with my dung friend (accountability/prayer partner and best friend) for lunch half way and had a great time. she has lived this whole ordeal with me step by painful step and has prayed for him probably more than anyone. although she has never been a mother, she has wept and rejoiced with me.
lunch was great. she sees the remorse and change.
then we went another hour and more to a small town in southern ontario to pick up his clothes. i realized how sad this whole mess has been. he told me a lot. amy said about ten words the entire time, she's shy around me. he was only there for two months. when he came back to toronto, he found out there was a warrant for his arrest. he turned himself in.
he told me about jail. about places he had been. about the house where he lived. *sob* the other family that he lived with. i always thought it was the girlfriend, her mother, i really didn't know the entire extent of what kept him there so long. until he told me it was the father. you see when i met them very early after he went there, the father and mother were separated. it seems he came back.
robby said that *kevin* was the only father he had ever known. it had been the father ... not the mother ... he was looking for. *sob* i honestly didn't know.
he told me about jail. how scared he was. he told me about crime. how powerful it made him feel. he told me about the drugs. how they make him feel better. *big long sob*
so we get to this run down house. he owed them money. they had all of his good clothes there. the drugs and crime paid off in nice clothes. i had given some money to him to give to them. it really wasn't much money. he got out of the car and stuck his head back in the car and asked if it was really ok with me. i said, if you owe, you pay. what you reap, you will sow and if you owe, you pay. we'll work it out together sometime.
so he goes into the house. amy and i stay by the car. he comes back with shirts and pants on hangers. meager load it was. not everything was there. the best of the clothes were long gone. he was so sorry. i just shook my head and said ... let's go.
so off we went. exhausted.
he had his hip hop playing on the radio (how do they listen to that stuff???) and i'm getting a headache. i'm driving without my cast (found out that driving with a cast is illegal) and my ankle is hurting. he's so tired. amy is quiet. he falls asleep. we fight toronto rush hour traffic.
i call bill.
he's home with the worst siatica he's ever had. almost crying on the phone. the doctor has told him he has to take a week off. oh, how i know how rough this next week is going to be. bill is more like a bearthan anything else when he is sick. we are at least four hours more than i expected. bill is mad i am so late.
i think i am going to cry but i am too tired to do so.
we come to my house. first time in five years. there is the suit robby wore to his grade eight graduation hanging in the closet. it was big, he was heavy, could it fit? i brought it out and sure enough it fit. beautifully. he tried it on in the driveway. the neighbours see him and run over to congratulate us. he looks so beautiful. amazing.
so we have the trunk open and he shows me this bag that has all of his "jail" letters in it. he leafs through, shows me a couple of pictures of the other family, letters, things. i realize there has been another life i have not been involved in. other people he called family. other people he called 'mom and dad'.
i don't even know how to share what i am feeling. hopeless. like i'll never get my son back. like i've lost so much. grief. maybe the grief i should have felt years ago. anger at him. anger at myself. anger. sadness.
i drop him and amy off at a coffee shop in the neighbouring town he lives in. as we're driving up, amy spies a young man who is a friend and climbs out. robby stays in the car. she comes back with a quarter wanting to know if she can call to "get some stuff" for this guy.
will it ever end? will he ever get straight?
robby and i talk for a while. i'm going to go back home with his stuff in my trunk. he is going to come over after church on sunday. (he's going to the lutheran church up the road with nancy)
he gets out of the car. with the wrinkled suit on. i'm biting my tongue trying not to ask him to put his grubbies back on so that he doesn't ruin the suit when he gets stoned tonight. but i shut up.
i watch him walk up and shake the hand of the man (about 40!!!!!) who is obviously the dealer. i want to cry. he turns around and looks me straight in the eye. gives me a wink and a wave. doesn't even seem to care that his friends can see him doing so.
i want to cry.
truth has come out ... little bit by little bit of where he has been, what he has been doing and who he has been doing it with.
i want to cry.
in some ways it was easier before.
if you've read this far. thank you. i need to get it all out somewhere. once again i'm not sure how i feel. i just know i need my Lord more than ever before. i've got a huge pit in my stomach and i want to go back so badly to those times when i would nurse him as a baby, rocking in the rocking chair in his nursery, with kelly at my feet on the soft carpet reading a book out loud ... the monster at the end of this book - it became his favourite book and she now reads it to her precious daughter.
i want to put him down in his crib, sleeping, peaceful and safe.
and i cannot.
i can only place him in the hands of his Heavenly Father, along with my aching, broken heart ... and wait.
He is God.
robby and amy (his girlfriend) are coming with me to another town about an hour and a half away. i offered to take him to get some clothing and possessions he left there several months ago. i also offered t pay the storage costs. he is trying to apply for jobs without dress clothes. i believe that is where he was living when he was arrested. so, we're piling into the car and taking a nice drive out. we'll probably meet one of my best friends who lives out there for lunch.
prayers .... if you see this today ... are much appreciated. i'm going to try to talk to him about the Lord, but again, i need the Lord's discernment and wisdom as to how much to say. for the most part now, i've been doing nothing but listening.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
i want so much to follow God's heart in this. all He's saying is ...
you guessed it ...
I am God.
how many times has He dropped that truth into my heart in the last five years? how much this revving mama wants to just jump in there and fix everything? i realize even as i write that the lack of emotions (or better yet, reigned in ones) is the work of the Lord. He's holding me back.
*snicker* i just got a picture of me in overalls straining forward with my arms and legs flailing (is that a word?) and the wind blowing through my hair withGod holding me back by the straps. *snicker* you think i need to be held back??
i'm not adjusting to this new position very well. but the time spent in prayer is awesome these days. He's close. so close. thank You, Jesus!
Sunday, May 29, 2005
for five years my focus has been upon praying very specific prayers for Robby. i've prayed that the Lord would keep him safe, protect him, guide him, bring people into his life who would model Christ and finally in the last two years ... Lord, just get his heart. that's all that matters ... when You get his heart, everything else will fall into place. please, don't bring him home until then. i don't know how i would take it. also, please, prepare our hearts!"
since Robby has contacted me and we've had two very good and positive visits, i can only thank God that He has indeed turned Robby's heart ... that was my prayer after all and God would not have allowed this had it not been time.
now i find myself feeling an unusual lack of emotion. i know from my training that what i am feeling is most probably shock. it is not really a lack of emotion, i have this deep, gut level, abiding peace that i know from experience can only be Holy Spirit. He is carrying me ... your prayers are carrying me. all of my prayer focus - well at least a good part of it - now has to be redirected.
how do i pray for him now?
yes, i continue to pray the same things as above. but his needs are so different. he's looking at jail time. is this a good thing? from what he has shared, it was not a good experience for him. geee, that is the whole purpose, isn't it? he says that he is now considered a dangerous offender. ("don't ask mom. i've made a lot of mistakes") *sob* he says that he cannot stand the thought of returning to jail. oh Lord, keep his heart, strengthen him.