up in the night

can't sleep tonight. the Lord has been dealing with me, my husband, my son, his girlfriend... how i thank Him for His grace and mercy when we are stumbling along our walk.

i've been reading other blogs tonight of Christians who like me are struggling with this walk. i want nothing more than to glorify Him in my life. in the minstry, we are under a microscope. not to be judged, but to be followed. paul said ... follow me as i follow Christ.

i had a long meeting with my senior pastor today. what an awesome man of God he is and how i thank God i am under his ministry. it truly is a place of safety and anointing. we've loved each other as brother and sister (sometimes spiritual father and daughter, even though i am almost a decade older than him).

how we have learned amazing lessons over the last several months.

over the last few days, bill and i have been agonizing about what to do with these kids. we know that milly needs to be back home ... we know that we were to open the door to her ... it's been so difficult to iinclude another person in our lives after five years, let alone two.

but what a lesson it has been!

my busy schedule has not allowed for much interaction. i have had to come home to listen to bill's complaints, robby's complaints, milly's complaints. i've talked to the Lord and other friends, ad nauseum, about mine. we've learned to love and tolerate and flail (is that a word??) around searching for the boundaries we are beginning to wonder are long gone.

once again, i had to consecrate this boy ... to realize that in asking milly to leave, i might be losing my son as well. i had to realize - the Lord is sometimes not so tender with his shepherds as He is with His sheep - that i had been agreeing with fear and not with Him.

ouch. ouch. ouch.

robby has been learning the lessons a pastor needs to learn. how it has hurt to watch him, knowing i have to stand back and let him struggle with the Lord to work out his own salvation and fight his own demons.

*sigh* being a mama ... being a counsellor ... being a pastor. i'm so thankful that the Lord is leading us down this narrow hallway. there is something coming ... we must be prepared.