Sunday, November 26, 2006

Retreat number 22 ...

I have been on the ministry team of Cleansing Stream Ministries Canada for 10 years. This awesome ministry has become part of my very soul during this time. It was at a Cleansing Stream retreat that I received my healing from Multiple Sclerosis (see March 2005 for a picture) in May of 1998.

This past weekend was retreat number twenty two for me ...

It was the most amazing experience, the best retreat EVER, although everyone laughs at me because I say that every retreat. But it is true, the retreats become better and better for me. Easier, more healing, and they bring me closer to the Lord than I could have ever imagined.

God has blessed me with increasing responsibility and servitude at these retreats over the years. For the last few years, I have been training the on-line ministry team and have had the honour of seeing and participating in the Lord's work of healing the church thousands of times. Often I have been asked to present some of the topics ...

I found out this Wednesday, two days before retreat, that the Lord wanted me to present on the spirit of Death. *eek*

I had initially requested to be freed of all responsibilities at the church which were voluntary and had barely been able to keep up with my pastoral counselling duties. This has been a very dark and trying few months for me.

One of the ministry staff contacted me early last week. She had been seeing my in therapy for a serious and painful issue which has plagued her for many years and we had been making good, but slow and painful progress. She asked me if she should still serve at retreat given the "mess she is in". Of course, I told her that the work on "the line" is the Lord's and not hers and that when she was so weak emotionally that the Lord could show Himself in a powerful way as strong in her life and to bring healing in to other's lives.

Great Pastoral response, right?

Well ... the Great Pastor gave me the same one.

I couldn't believe I was considering not going to retreat!

Our Canadian Director is my senior Pastor and he always seeks the Lord as to who does what at Retreat. I immediately called him and told him that I would do whatever the Lord wanted. Well, my usual responsibilities were what the Lord wanted.

Imagine my surprise when I was asked to speak on Death? *smile*

I had intimate understanding of how that stinker affects one!

Need I tell you how I am feeling today after ministering on my feet from Thursday night until Saturday night with about 8 hours sleep in the three days?


God is Good .... more tomorrow.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Keeping Power of God

As I slowly start to dig myself out of this dark place, I am so aware of the Keeping Power of God. He has been here through it all. Sometimes He is as quiet as a whisper, sometimes He bellows through the screaming of my soul to tell me He is here.

How I long to be baqck in the place of peace and rest, but I realize that it is a short lived place sometimes, when the Lord has more refining work to do in my life. He's had that iron out and the bleach taste is still in my mouth, but I know without a doubt that He is working in and through me for my own good. And those of my clients.

None of my clients have this address, I don't know how they would react to the inner squacking of my spirit ... I have been overwhelmed at the anointing and wisdom that comes out of this woman's mouth when someone comes in pain trusting that I can lead them out of their wilderness. Many can see I am in my own, but isn't it awesome that God can minister to them in and through mine???? It is awe inspiring.

I often cry out ... how come You don't break through mine, LORD??!!! ... and He tells me ... Be still, Child. I am still God.


He is good.

As dark as it gets, there are awesome rays of Sonshine that break through. He is always behind the clouds and we need those clouds to bring the right conditions for the soaking rain of God to refresh.

I'm waiting, Lord.

I think I felt a drop ....

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Power of Attitude

From Deadly Emotionsby Dr. Don Colbert - excellent book!

I recently read a short essay on attitude by Charles Swindoll. He wrote:

"Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me."

Don Colbert goes on to say:

"All deadly emotions, to some extent, derive from our attitudes. And attitudes are something we can control.

You can choose how you will think and feel about any circumstance, event, or relationship in your life. You can choose to a very great extent how you deal with grief, resentment, bitterness, shame, jealousy, guilt, fear, worry, depression, anger, hostility, and all other emotional situations that readily trigger physical responses.

The first step you need to take toward health is to reflect upon your own attitudes. Own up to the attitudes you have. Ask yourself, "Is this the way I want to think and believe?""

Good words.

Friday, October 27, 2006

I can feel the prayers!

First, friends, I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and I encourage you to please keep them up! I can feel them - the Lord is very, sweetly, close - and I'm improving every day.

It has been a nutty week with lots of news.

First, Robby decided to end his relationship with Milly. Although I am happy for Robby because I wasn't sure that she was going in the same direction that God was calling Robby, I miss her. She caused a great deal of drama around here, but also, great joy with her outgoing personality.

He has made his room his own and is a very, very neat young man! It's a delight to have him so conscious of the state of the apartment, it looks lovely! I wish I knew how to post pictures from my cell phone, I'll have to ask him today to help me. He is also doing very well at school, although he has been home with me this week, so he's missed a few classes.

Second, and I am so thankful Milly was here when it happened, I had a seizure on Tuesday morning. After a day in the hospital, it appears that I had a reaction to antidepressant medication the doctor prescribed due to the stress I've been under. He thought it would help with the physical fatigue, and it has helped with the daily grind of trying to keep going when I'm so tired, but when we increased it to a "therapetic dose", I had a seizure. So, back to the drawing board in my quest for health.

After the seizure I spent an unusual two days in bed and saw a full caseload of clients out of the house yesterday - success. The Lord really anointed and it was a good day in the counselling office. I have taken the week off from teaching at the College. I have been told that the entire College is praying for me during every class - so praise God for answered prayer!!! Today I have three clients at my home and they are easy ones, so it is good.

As for the financial situation ... not so good at this point. I have enough in the bank for rent on the first, but that is it. I've only received $300.00 more than the rent this month in income - and I work the equivalent of almost five times that in hours, but the insurance company I work with has not released my funds yet. I'm angry and frustrated, but thankful there is enough to cover my expenses. Talk about pulling the belt in a little tighter, but we're not starving so I know the Lord will release all of the money when the time is right.

Oh, and remember I said I was praying for clients who would pay cash? Three old paying clients and three new paying clients have made contact with me. Isn't God good? *shaking head and sighing*

As for Bill ... well, that's going a little better, but I've paid a price for it. He made dinner for me last week - at the house - and we have been able to at least reconcile our relationship to the point where we are dating. That is a good thing, but since I refuse to go to the house and he refuses to go to a restaurant, or to my new house, I'm not sure where we will go from here. He's not well physically and doesn't see the connection with the mould (yes, Canadians spell it with a 'u' - lol), we're still fighting that battle.

Thanks for your prayers, my friends. I cannot thank you enough. The story isn't over, but the Lord is close and He is so good ... I can do all things through Him ... He is my strength.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Still feeling very fragile

I didn't want this blog to be an update on my struggles so much as my victories. It seems that I have been having way more struggles than victories yesterday and my old Word of Faith teaching is leaving hard and screaming all the way.

Robby told me that when he was praying for me a few days ago the Lord showed him that I would think things were going to only get better when we moved, but that it wasn't the case. I have to admit that I thought there would be a lot more emotional and physical release when we moved, but it has proved untrue.

It looks like my body is detoxing from the mould, etc., in the house. I am so tired and achey, it is frustrating. I am normally a very high functioning and busy person and do not deal well with not having enough energy to do everything I need to do ... especially when I am the majority breadwinner and it is difficult for me to work feeling this way.

The Lord has been so good. He has consistently brought new clients my way which is a relief, but for the last three weeks, I have only been able to see half of my client load. That means half of my income. Unfortuantely, it will not show up fully until around Christmas from the receipts from the insurance company. I'm praying that the Lord will bring more cash paying clients around that time to cover the expenses.

The Lord did provide work for Robert at the College so he can work off his tuition. I met the College President in the hall on Friday and he told me how happy he is with Robby's work! Yeah, God! Good work, Rob!

Now I can be paid for my work at the College because I was going to apply that to his tuition. That is a good God in the works, isn't it?

Things are going well with us at the new home, although Milly is not feeling well right now. As we speak they are off to the doctor, something about her not taking her pills properly and her system is out of whack. Prayers appreciated there!

She's matured a lot. They have been keeping their room very clean, it's nice to see a bed made and the laundry all up to date. It really is nice.

Bill and I have been talking on the phone every day and he has been asking me to come to the house for the night. Unfortuantely, I don't want to give up all of the detoxing I have done to go back to the house for any length of time. It's just not worth it to me and I think he is finally starting to understand by my consistent refusal to go near the house.

But I miss him so much. I don't miss the constant discussions about money at all, but we seem to be able to date very well. It's sad when we love each other so much but cannot live together in peace. Very sad.

Well, thanks for reading. I'll try to be more forthcoming for those who are worrried and I thank you for your calls and emails. I know I have been very scarce, which is out of character for my outgoing personality, but I need desperately to get my health back.

Blessings, my friends.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


I am teaching three courses this semester at the College:
Introduction to Pscyhology I
Psychology of Counselling I (yes, that is two 'L's ... the Canadian Way)
Psychology of Christian Life I

The two first are undergraduate and the bare introduction - usually a very difficult course to teach because the amount of material is vast and the basics can be very, very boring. The third is a Doctorate course and one that I have been left to develop completely on my own. I'm loving that!

The textbooks for the last course are "Master Potter" by Jill Austin and "Intimate Friendship with God" by Joy Dawson. Both excellent books by awesome women of God. Not that I am adverse to books or material written by men, gracious no, but these two women have written material that takes me straight to the Heart of God.

It is a delight to teach from this material.

The first book is written by a woman who is a potter. She uses her experience and the Word of God where one of the allegories of God is as a potter and us as the clay. Our most recent class was discussing the time in a Christian's life where he or she is put on the shelf to 'cure' so to speak, often early in their relationship with the Lord. But often, the Lord places us on the shelf again at another point in our production to cure. Maybe after a beautiful glaze has been applied, or a design. And we may cry because we are not being used as the instrument we once were. We do not see the finished product, or what the Lord is planning for us.

I was bemoaning my recent putting on the shelf by the Lord. This placing was bugging me because I have so much to do in ministry and I have been so ill that I have been unable to concentrate enough to even think about preaching a sermon. I went so far as to ask the senior Pastor to give me a few months off from my responsibilities of teaching and preaching until I was in a better place physically and emotionally. I have continued my counselling practice within the church - albeit barely - and have been able to sit in the congregation and just receive during the services. It's been a sweet time in some ways, and frustrating in others because there is so much I want to do.

Yet, the Lord showed me this week that there is beauty in that time of shelving. And I have been preaching ... three times a week in class. He has been giving me revelation and anointing for these students in a way that is truly incredible. Even my son - who is in my classes *clapping* - is amazed at the transformation.

It is when your family sees the anointing of God on you ....

Lord, why do I not have that anointing at home? All the time? I so long to walk in a way that is pure, holy, a testimony to the Love of God every moment of my life, but alas, I am but clay. An empty pot without the Lord.

He is doing something so deep in my life right now. Even my thoughts are open and bare before Him and He is showing me some that are *sigh* not very pretty at all. It is almost like there is a Holy Spirit Spotlight on my mind at all times. It is most uncomfortable, I must tell you.

But it is cleansing too.

It amazes me how He uses whatever is in our lives to continually cleanse us, bring us closer to His heart and from Glory to Glory to Glory ... for His Glory.

He's so good, friends. He is so very good. And faithful.

Even when He has the iron and the bleach in His Hand. (or the potter's shelf)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Feeling Better

This is very interesting.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the Lord wanted us to move out of the house. When I think back on how I was feeling and what I was doing, it occurs to me that He was prompting me to prepare for a move. I thought we were going to have to sell the house because of the mould, and we probably will have to, but I think there is more.

This is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah. I read a very interesting article on The Elijah List ( this morning about Rosh Hashanah. One comment made was this is a time of transition and change, that realignments are happening. Something in my Spirit, that I KNOW is the quickening of Holy Spirit, said ... it is time.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I am where God wants me to be ... and that He has led me like a little child because I was too ill to make the trip myself ... footprints again ...

What is great is that I am finally starting to feel like myself again.

Mould is a horrible thing. Horrible! Like sin, it is insidious. It hides the the dark and then sneaks in tiny spore by tiny spore until it has destroyed its host. And only by killing it, will one be free.


Saturday, September 23, 2006

The New Place

We moved into a beautiful condominium this Thursday. Mainly because I was under so much stress that I ended up with a full blown panic attack on Wednesday when my blackberry fell down the stairs and broke.

My whole life is on that thing.

I have been without it since Wednesday and I've missed several appointments. It is so frustrating. It has been backed up every night, but the computer in the house has been damaged by the power surges we were experiencing by the electrical meter incident last week where the meter was moments away from burning the house down.

*blink* *blink*

Just thinking about it causes me to breathe deep into a paper bag.

breathe in, breathe out.

Is it just me, or is the enemy on the warpath? He is picking up on whatever he can pick up on and causing as much damage as he can try to. He cannot make things go wrong, but he sure can distract, huh?

Anyhooooooo, the apartment is lovely and I am so enjoying the quiet and cleanliness of it.

More later. Thanks for those who pray.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

On a Brighter Note ... College Days

Robert started College this week. He is taking classes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. It is so much fun to be walking around the College with him ... to see the reaction of all the people who have prayed so faithfully for him for 6 years! He is truly a walking miracle.

He has taken it so seriously! He sits in class and types away his notes from the lectures on his laptop. He sits on the edge of his seat and listens, really listens. (Must I admit that I sneak a peak from time to time???)

He talks about the classes, what the profs are talking about and how he feels about the politics of the day. It is so awesome to see how God is pouring out favour over this boy. He is completely different at school.

He is with me in the office and is presently overseeing the Psychological testing for my new clients. It is so sweet to see him dressed in his suit and looking so darn 'old' and 'mature'! Where do the days go?

Tonight as we were driving home (at 10:00 - eek) he said that he didn't want to leave the College because the Spirit is so sweet there.

In the midst of all of our hell at home, I am living and watching a real live miracle unfold before my eyes.

The enemy is a stinker.

Do you hear me? The enemy is a stinker.

He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It breaks my heart how Bill is walking along side him and attempting to ruin this precious time. I hate being in the middle, but for a few sweet moments at school - and at the office - I am living a miracle!

Thank you for your prayers

Thanks for your prayers. There is no change. I've seen this look in other men's eyes in counselling. It is not good and he does not want to get therapy for us.

Sad, huh?

Oh well, can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to.

Tonight was not good. I bought something for $10.00 at McDonald's for our dinner because we didn't have time to pack a lunch before we had to run out of the house. Bill was not happy.

I've started teaching at the College again and Robby started his classes, so Bill and I will go from Sunday night to Thursday night without seeing each other except passing in the night ... he goes to bed at 8:30 and I am usually not in bed before 12:00 so we do not see each other awake at all. I'm sure that is part of the problem. It is not an ongoing thing, but it lasts during the semesters. I simply have to work at night if I am going to make money and money is at the root of the problem.

I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I am home, he is upset I am not making money, if I am out making money, he is upset I am not home. ack.

We need a miracle.

Friday, September 08, 2006

An update ... thanks for the prayers

Bill returned home, but he still says he is leaving as soon as he finds a place to stay. I have been trying to respect him and give him all the tender loving care he needs, but it has been difficult with me being soo sick. He didn't even make me a cup of tea.

Every conversation is strained, he does not say a positive thing and I just cannot listen to his complaining all the time. I'm struggling with a huge case of compassion fatigue, which means that I cannot take anyone else's crap ... even to the point of not wanting to counsel certain people because they are such whiners. I feel that I have lost all of my compassion!


Because of that, I've had to cancel several days worth of clients, which does not help the financial situation, which is Bill's biggest complaint!

We are in a cycle I don't know how to stop with his help - and he is not helping.

Uncovering serious mould in the renovation has not helped matters at all. I am positive this is the reason that we have all been struggling with such serious illness over the last year, but again, Bill is unwilling to spend the money to have it assessed and then even more unwilling to spend the money to have it repaired.

He has dug his head well under the house like an ostrich and we are all dying from it.


I am simply hanging on as I have been for several months, but I don't know what else to do. Robby and I are renovating in spite of Bill at least to increase the value of the home if we have to sell, but I cannot in good conscience renovate over existing mould problems. I feel so stuck, I want to leave myself. But like Bill, I have nowhere to go and besides, leaving is the coward's way out.

We have had similar issues occur at the church as well:

Vandalism - some 'kid' stuck a garden hose turned on full down an airvent which flooded the nursery and all carpets had to be taken up - including our fellowship hall and probably the four Pastor's offices!

A tree was struck by lightening on the Manse property which crashed through the fence and landed on the parking lot ...

The overhead projector for our worship lyrics suddenly died ...

There is more ...

What I keep seeing in my mind is the enemy leading a parade of demons outside of the window ... they all have drums and noisemakers .... but ... they are outside. They can only try to distract us from our work by their noise and shennanagens (sp) ... That's all they can do.

I find myself giggle as I write because of my blog name and the description. The comparison between myself and the spots of mould are almost comical. Do you know how you kill mould? Bleach. *giggle* *sigh*

Prayers to keep focused would be so appreciated.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Heartbroken ...

My husband left today.


We have been having problems for a while - hence the scarce posting - and having two teenagers in the house has not helped matters much. We started construction a couple of weeks ago to provide Milly with a closet as she is such a slob, we thought it might help. It all really started when the room stunk so much I told Robby he had to paint in hopes of getting it cleaned out.

Bill does not handle mess and especially construction well. And he doesn't handle financial spending either.

He warned me ... I was too tired and stressed to be able to help him. I cannot sit and argue with him when I do not get home until after he goes to bed and he gets up for work four hours before I am awake.

I am heartbroken.

I just do not know what to do.



Friday, July 21, 2006

Friday Five for the first time

I have been part of the RevGal BlogPals for several months but have been too busy to really get involved as much as I hoped to or intended to. I believe today is the best time to get involved as it is the first year anniversary of the site. So ... here I am with the answers to the Friday Five:

1) What is your first memory of the RevGalBlogPals?
My great friend, Penni told me about this great group of women in full time ministry and gave me the link. I figured it would be a great thing for me as I tend to feel alone in my call as a female Pastor. The first time I saw the ring, I was so excited to see other women who were in ministry and who were talking about their lives. It was like a breath of fresh air. Even though our denominations are different, it was awesome to see our similarties within our differences.

2) Have you met any of the other ring members in real life?
Yes! Lorna when she came to Canada from Finland. We had such a wonderful time and it was wayyy too short. I also met her through Penni's blog.

3) Of those you haven't met, name a few you would love to know in person.
Every last one of them!

4) What has Ring Membership added to your life?
As I said, I haven't spent enough time moving around, but I certainly intend to spend some of the time I have promised the Lord I was going to reclaim of my life travelling around the ring!

5) Describe a hope for the future of the WebRing
Lorna has this great idea of writing a book about how we answered our calls ... I pray the WebRing is intimately involved in the vision God has given her!

'k ... I have to run, it's been fun .. have a great day! hugs.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

My Time Out Spot

Oh, I have enjoyed my day off today. I'm still not well ... but feeling a little more coherent tonight. This is not a nice virus and we are all so grumpy, it is funny ...

But ... here is my new time out spot, isn't it lovely??

From here I have a lovely view of the garden from several angles. Lorna, it is right where we were sitting, in the driveway. I would rather the back yard, but as you know, there is precious little space for anything other than two feet and a plant back there. Besides, Bill would probably hang something off my arm ...

Where I look to the left ...

To the right ...

So tonight I decide to sit out on my little swing with a blankie and a pillow and read a book. What an unusual thing for me to do and I enjoyed it more than I can tell you. I guess this answers my previous question ... why? What now?? ... If I don't take my Sabbath Rest, the Lord will make sure I do.


It has been sooooo nice.

Oh, and the book? Look Good, Feel Great by Joyce Meyer. I love it.

Ok, what now?

This cyst had developed on my shoulder and it came up to this head ... a few weeks ago I had it excised and now I have nurses visiting every day to pack it and change the dressing. ouch. To complicate matters further, DH came home with an awful flu and guess who got it? I've been on antibiotics almost non stop since March because of sinus infections ... now I'm off work for a few days. argh.

Now ... let's make things even a little more nutty. Yesterday I bought a new airconditioner for the bedroom and while taking it out of the box ... a simple thing right? ... I dropped it on my foot! The same foot that was in a cast last summer because I tore ligaments in the ankle. Guess what is swollen?

I'm going to go back to bed and pull the blanket over my head.

edited ... I'm coming back because I cannot shake why this is bothering me so much.

I was ashamed to admit that I have had this rash of illness ... is it because of the years I spent in a Word of Faith church? Possibly. If I am such a strong Christian and a good Pastor, would I be under this kind of attack? Why has my faith not been strong enough to speak against this illness and tell it to go?

Am I living in sin?


Where is the love in that sort of thinking? Where is the Lord?

Maybe I am just thinking through my medication and illness, but why would I as a Pastor feel this way?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


This is Lorna on the one day she was allowed to just sit and rest while she was visiting. She had a great time reading a book on Anger ... not that she needed it ... she's one of the most beautiful people I've met.

I miss you Lorna, I wish we had more time together.

Don't cry over spilt ice cream.

This was so funny.

Milly and Robby were making milk shakes and Milly forgot to put the ice cream away ... so when she realized the ice cream was still on the counter, she picked the carton up only to have it splat on the floor.

So Robby, my precious Robby, ran over, got a spoon and a bowl and proceeded to scoop it up citing the "five second rule". The floor had just been washed ... actually they were celebrating the end of Saturday cleaning ... and it was just mere moments ... I'd say about 5 minutes before Lorna was due to arrive.

What else could we do? We couldn't cry over spilt ice cream ... so we ate it.

and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I love having these kids home ...

Can your past disqualify you from being used by God?

That was our question ...

Laura and I co-hosted the TV show Nite Lite Live from 2:00 AM to 4:30 AM last week. My oh My! God is sooo good.

It is a 2 1/2 hour live middle of the night call in show. The regular host, Paul Willoughby was away on vacation and they asked me to host the show. We had such a great time! Four people accepted the Lord and one recommitted their life ... and that is what we know of. It was a wonderful time of talking and ministering to people.

It never ceases to amaze me how God chooses to use this broken vessel ... Laura and I both sat before the show started and asked the Lord if He really knew what He was doing giving us open air on a TV program for 2 1/2 hours, even if it is in the middle of the night! I still shake when I think of it. Not with fear, because I was just talking with a friend, but with excitement that the Lord would choose to anoint me so.

Funny ... the anointing is not there until the camera turns on, or the microphone is in my face, or until I am introduced. Otherwise, I sit in the audience wondering what on earth I am doing ... the enemy is good at reminding me of my faults, but the Lord is always better at reminding me of His power.

Tell me ... Have you ever experienced this? Where someone has asked you to do something ... maybe for the Lord, maybe not ... and this surge of anointing comes upon you and you wonder how you did it? Does your past disqualify you from being used by God?

It's the most awesome part of ministry for me.

Catch you all later, we will be hosting another show soon ...

Monday, June 12, 2006

A rare morning off ...

I am sitting here enjoying a rare morning off. I am enjoying a ton of blogs, catching up on everyone's lives. Penni over at marthamartha has a new tattoo ... Lorna at see-through-faith has been riding her bike ... gayla at heartjourney has an arteest for a son, he has painted an amazing self portrait. It's been a nice morning.

I will be hosting a late night - actually middle of the night - TV show Night Lite Livevery early tomorrow morning. Because of that, I have booked all of my clients for the later part of this day so I can rest and prepare for the show.

I've been a guest on the show several times ... it still amazes me that they would think I would have anything to share, but people are interested in how God carries one through their trials and tribulations! I'm so thankful for the presence of the Lord in my life and my heart!

My choice for guest is a friend of mine. She is one of the Pastors at my new Church and has such an amazing story to tell. She is truly one of my favourite people and I love to spend time listening to her talk about the Lord and what He is doing in her life.

Like me, she has come from a non-practicing Christian family and found herself in the bottom of the pit at one point in her life. But she looked up ... she saw Jesus and she took His Hand.

What He has done in her life since then is amazing. The best part is, she doesn't see it! She just sees herself as a kid ... and she gets to have fun with other kids. It works. It works big time.

She has a children's ministry that is explosive! Her services on Wednesday nights has no less than 100 kids and usually over 150! Can you imagine!?? They have a ball ... I'm so thrilled to be part of her life and to watch God work through her!

It's just too bad that you cannot watch it online. I am fully expecting that God will do an awesome work through her tonight. Please do say a prayer for Laura. I believe this is going to launch her into something really big!!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

An opportunity to tell the world...

How Awesome God is!!!!

I had the awesome opportunity to share my story on TV today at the 100 Huntley Street studios in Burlington. It was a terrific day and a chance to share the awesome things God has done in and through Robert.

Please pop over to ...100 Huntley Street's webpage and watch the program ... my segment is on May 30th, Carolyn Ross, and starts at around 36:00

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Spiritual Abuse?

Do we abuse those we lead? Are we abused in our churches?

My friend, Michelle, told me about a great article she found on spiritual abuse. It was indeed eye opening ... and ... sobering. Especially for us in Ministry.

Please go to A Pure Heart, Michelle's blog and read. It is powerful.

The gardens

Lorna, here is a foretaste of what God has been doing in our gardens ...

Lorna's Coming to Visit!

Lorna from SeeThroughFaithis coming to visit me next week. All the way from FINLAND!!!!

I'm so excited about spending some time with this wonderful woman of God. I've watched her blog and she's been so faithful to come in and encourage me on this one, I feel so honoured that the Lord would provide an opportunity for me to serve this beautiful Minister of God. It's always nice to be in communion with other female Pastors as we are not as common as I would like to see. Lorna's one of those Pastors who truly do the title justice.

So I'm preparing the house.

May I tell you, what fun it is not! :eek: :giggle: I'm thankful for the opportunity ... do you think maybe the Lord brought Lorna my way to force me to finally rearrange the furniture in the livingroom? We bought new couches over two months ago. I'm so embarassed and the old couch is still in the livingroom, along with the new ones. They're not well placed, believe me. If I were not too proud to show a picture, I would. LOL

God is good.

Lorna, I am so looking forward to meeting you. I pray you enjoy the restful time in our garden after what looks like a very, very busy vacation. Hugs.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Now That's God

This is so beautiful, it was sent to me by some friends by email. Enjoy.

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Cleansing Stream, I see, I see ...

I plunge and oh, it cleanses me!!

I am fresh from another Cleansing Stream retreat. I have attended these retreats twice a year for about the last 10 years ... delighting in the Lord washing away layer and layer of *guck* from my life. This time was no different.

I've been involved in the leadership and on the ministry team for the last 8 years ... my first leadership role was 6 months after I received a healing from M.S. at another retreat.

Now I am on staff at the church which is responsible for Cleansing Stream in Canada and I was on the agenda to present two of the categories as well as responsible for training a group of the 'anointers' ... those who minister God's healing on the prayer line. It is awesome!

I watched as over two hundred people worshipped, listened, wept, repented, cried out to God, prayed together to receive healing and freedom, sang, rejoiced!!! I cried with some, rejoiced with others, cast out a demon or two, danced, sang, and even spent some time on the carpet visiting with God in a precious new way.

Yes, He is so sweet.

I still feel like a little girl dressed up in her mommy's ball gown, complete with pearls and huge high heel shoes and wondering how little ol' me got there! I'm playing with the big fish ... don't they know who I am? Don't they know how inadequate I am? Yup ... giggle ... that's why they ask me to play with them.

It's an honour, a precious time with God's people and I can hardly wait for the seminar to start up again next fall so we can prepare for another retreat in November.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Good Friday and Family

After five years of missing Robby, we are now enjoying family times together ... times we have been denied for so many years. It was beautiful to be together in a restaurant together tonight as a family. It's the first time we've done it. My dear hubby loves to cook and we usually have everyone over, but this year we're struggling with mould in the house and do not want to take the chance on Jadzia getting ill. Soo... we decided to go to a restaurant for our family dinner. It was so precious.

Robby is doing so well. I am incredibly proud of him ... here he is with his girlfriend Milly, and of course, Jadzia.

Kelly and her husband are doing so well. He has just bought a motorcycle and they are incredibly excited about what is ahead of them. This also means maybe Grandma can have so more quality time with grandbaby.

'Unca' Bill is not going to let anyone know how much Jadzia has his heart, but I think this picture sees past his mask and shows his delight with her. She doesn't sit still long enough to get a clear picture ... she's a sweetie.

It is so sweet to be Grandma ... and Mom ... and Mother in Law. It amazes me how a simple time like today could bring me such incredible joy. We surely do not know all of what we have until it is taken away ... and then returned.

God is good.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

St Maartens

This was the view for most of last week. Sitting on a lounge chair at a 5 star hotel, watching the water run over the garden in the center of the pool. Ahh, St. Maartens.

Here ... here is the view that met me every morning:

This trip was a gift from God. We ended up with a two bedroom suite complete with terraces off the bedroom with a lagoon view, a terrace off the living room with an ocean view, a full kitchen, a full livingroom with a wall made of sliding glass windows that opened right up ...

Can you imagine???

It was paradise. I felt like a little girl who was given the best gift at Christmas time. My Father loves me so much. What a blessing. I may never again have the opportunity ... or maybe I will ... but to be in that place with a good friend who loves me and listens ... well, it was a gift from God.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

New Picture of Grandbaby

So long ...

I realize with surprise that it has been over a month since I last posted. Dear, Precious Husband (DPH) and I have both been struggling with upper respiratory illnesses and it has taken all my energy to simply keep the church responsibilities and ministry running.

I have still to move to the new Church ... but expect that I will be completely moved over by the latter part of April, following the end of semester at the College. Until I complete that work, it does not make sense as my present office is around the corner from the College.

My practice is exploding in my home area and the new church, but I have literally had no new clients at the old office in 2 months. I guess that is confirmation that I must move!

God is good through all this.

As many of you know, I give a lot of free counselling. I cannot say no to people who cannot pay and who genuinely need the help. DPH has often questioned my motives, especially when the bank account is close to 0 and I'm denying myself 10 clients a week at $100.00! But I know the Lord is calling me to do this.

Well, I received a precious gift from the Lord last week. One of my former associates had a time share come available to her in St. Maartens at a 4 star hotel for just the cost of the airfare and she invited me to join her.

So ... we are travelling this Saturday for a week at the cost of just over $700.00! Can you believe it? It is well over a $4,000 Cdn vacation. We had to put it on the credit card ...

God is good. I am thinking that He is giving me a much needed Sabbath rest and I cannot tell you how I am looking forward to it. I cannot express how thankful I am at the opportunity to rest for an entire week! *sigh*

Money is so tight that I cannot buy new clothes and since I've gained weight with all of the medication for a recurring sinus infection, there are few clothes that I can fit into to take with me. But that's ok. I'm just going to be thankful for my old clothes and pack them up and be thankful when I am laying on the beach with my Bible and my dear friend and my Lord.

Doesn't it sound great? Pictures to come ...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Crucified With Christ

This is so beautiful! I found it on

Gal 2:20 - "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." KJV

In this piece, the bride has yielded herself to Christ; here she is basking in the glory of God. She is crucified with Him; nevertheless, she lives. (see Gal 2:20) She has been raised with Christ to a new life sharing His resurrection from the dead – her new, real life is hidden in Christ with God. (read Col 3:1-4 AMP). She, with unveiled face, beholds Him as in a mirror. She is being transformed into the image of the Lord. She has made a divine exchange –her veil for His veil –instead of being separated from Him she has become separated unto Him. The veil then takes on the characteristics and symbolism of the bridal veil. It is symbolic of being spoken for. It is a mantle of purity, signifying that no one else has access to the secret places of her heart (read 2 Cor 3:16-18). The light has shown forth and she shall manifest the majesty and glory of God. (read 2 Cor 4:6).

Glenda Wilson is a passionate student of scripture and has been a prophetic and revelational writer for a number of years. In 2001, she began a new journey …Renderings of the Heart ™ ...a collection of illustrations and writings inspired by dreams, revelation, life experiences, and observations. The most amazing thing about the art is that prior to September 11, she had never created a piece of art. She has had no formal training. He placed His Spirit on the artisans of old, and once again He is supernaturally empowering His people to accomplish His purposes.

Her art, writing, and speaking covers a broad spectrum; from healing the broken-hearted to releasing creativity and revelational gifts. At the heart of everything, is an agenda to teach people how to understand and maximize moments of visitation from the Lord.

The writings that accompany the pieces are as life-changing as the art. God beckons the viewer to go to that place of revelation that He has within each piece …there the Holy Spirit ministers it in a most personal way. In the privacy of their own home, God works through the art and writing to minister His purpose, which for many is something that is better experienced alone with God.

The print can be ordered by telephone, call 1-866-354-5245 (USA only -- if outside the USA, please call 1-541-926-3250) between 8:00 am – 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday, Pacific Time.

word cloud

I found this on Penni's blog , what a neat idea. It is a word cloud made up of your blog words - then have it made into a tee shirt!

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Divine Ambush

I just had to cut and paste this from the Elijah List dot com today. It fell upon my spirit like the gentle rain of grace. Enjoy.

It is by Jill Austin, one of my favourite authors ...

The Divine Ambush

Jesus Was A Mudslinger Too!

During three days of fasting, the Lord showed me Jeremiah 18:2, "Arise and go down to the potter's house and there I will cause you to hear My words." I thought, "Wow Lord! There are mudslingers in the Bible! You're a potter! But, still, how can You use me? I have such a longing to be used by You but I don't know what it would even look like."

A Holy Ambush

It was the last day of a festival I was attending, and it was drizzling and overcast. I was assigned to spend some time with the children at the festival, and the children reminded me that I had promised to show them a potter's wheel. I really didn't want to go out in the rain, but I knew that I was trapped. So I went out onto the muddy field thinking, I shouldn't have promised and this is stupid. I took a piece of clay and with exasperation, said, "Oh, all right, come on over!" The children were so excited.

Now I had to deal with not only making a pot in the rain, but with my bad attitude. I was frustrated and angry, and I especially didn't want to make a pot for children in the middle of a muddy field. But, I tried to get my heart right because I wanted the Lord to use me. I also wanted to be nice to the kids because I thought, the Lord's going to take me to the woodshed later.

So in the middle of the muddy field and the drizzling rain, I put the clay on the potter's wheel, and I began to center it. All of a sudden, I heard the Lord's voice. It wasn't a big holy moment or a radical revelation. The heavens didn't open, and the angels didn't begin to sing. I was wrestling and working out my heart and, although I didn't realize it yet, God had just ambushed me by using these little children to push me through the birth canal and into what would eventually become my prophetic destiny.

The Audible Voice Of The Lord

As I spun the wheel, I heard God say,

"I will center you and take away your double-mindedness. I know you."

As my hands started to go into the foundations of the clay, He said,

"I will build a foundation which is based on the Word of God. When you were in your mother's womb, I knew you and loved you."

Revelation just started to flow through my whole being. My hands became His hands. I'd made thousands of clay vessels before, but suddenly He added the living word of God.

"You are beautifully and fearfully made."

I was listening to Him talk and thought, Wow, Lord, that is really good! He responded,

"Well, if it's that good, why don't you repeat it?"

So, still concentrating on my pot, I simply repeated what I heard. I said things like,

"I know your destiny, and I know your birthright. Your form was not hidden from Me. Your name is written on the palm of My hand."

As I spoke, the revelation of the Lord fell on me. A crowd started to form around me out in the rain and the dreariness, and people started to laugh and cry.

As I pulled up the walls on the pot, I repeated,

"I will shape you and pull up your walls, almost to the breaking point, but I know who you are. I know your shape; I know your form. I know your function. My fingerprints will be seen on you."

I ended up making two vessels in the rain, and when I got off the wheel, I was trembling. I knew the Lord had sovereignly given me a profound gift. I knew He had spoken through me. I didn't know it was prophecy. This was 1971; there was no language about prophecy yet.

Ambushed Again!

A few days later, my Pastor phoned me and said that he had heard that I was doing stories on the potter's wheel.

"I only did one at the festival," I replied. He shared about the Saturday night concerts at the church and how they wanted to feature local talent before the main band. He asked if I would be willing to share my story on the wheel. Naively, I said I would.

The next Saturday night, I showed up at the church with my potter's wheel and wearing my overalls and my clunky, clay-covered hiking boots. The Pastor asked me to come to his office where all the musicians were hanging out. They were all wearing their black, shiny leather jackets and looking cool. I went up and said, "Hi guys!" and tried to look cool along with them. It's really hard to project a cool image as a female wearing dirty hiking boots.

The Pastor asked, "Do you have your script? Are you ready?"

I was taken aback, "Script? What do you mean by a script?" You see, I was trained as a fine artist, not a theatre major.

All of a sudden, he looked terrified and blurted out, "Well, you have to have a script. I asked you to tell a story on your potter's wheel. Didn't you write down your story and memorize it?" With an intense look on his face he asked, "Haven't you done that?"

Well, you see," I stammered, "God, He talks to me, and I listen and then just repeat it."

He looked shocked and said, "Nooooooo! You can't do it that way!" All of a sudden, sheer panic fell on me.

"You're right, I can't do it that way." I didn't know I needed a script. God, I should have asked You what I was going to talk about. I didn't even know enough to ask. I've got to run and hide and find some place to hear You and pray.

So that's how I ended up in the broom closet, terrified, as I heard the pastor's footsteps coming down the hall. He knocked on the door, and I said as nonchalantly as I could, "Yes? Come in."

He pulled open the door and said sternly, "No. You come out!"

A few guys carried my potter's wheel out onto the stage. Fear gripped my heart as I watched them carry it all the way to the other side of the huge stage. Oh Jesus, why did they take it over there? How am I going to get all the way across the stage?

I took a step out from behind the curtain, got halfway across the stage and made the mistake of looking out at the audience of 2,000 people. Four thousand eyes were all staring back at me, and I froze. I had this silly grin on my face, but inside I was screaming, God, get me out of here. I promise I'll be good! I'll never sin again. I repent, forgive me for the past, the present and the sins I haven't even committed yet. Why was I so stupid to say yes to this? I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I'm so totally disqualified. This was so stupid; I'm so stupid--stupid, stupid, stupid.

God To The Rescue!

Suddenly I saw an open vision, and I heard the Lord say,

"You know your clay, right?"

And then He walked across the stage, and it was like I hung on to the hem of His garment and followed Him across that long stage and sat down at my potter's wheel. I managed to say, "Hi!" to the audience. I was still so scared. I didn't know what else to do, so I began making a pot. I put the clay on the wheel, and as I added water and began to center the clay, I heard the living, audible voice of the Lord.

The Gift of Prophecy

"Oh my child, I will never leave or forsake you."

My response was, "What took you so long?" But I didn't want to get too mad because I didn't want Him to stop speaking. So I began to hear the voice, and once again I portrayed God's heart while making a beautiful vessel.

As my hands went deep into the clay, He said,

"I will pull up your walls and I will shape you. When you were in your mother's womb, I knew you."

As I formed the clay into a pitcher, He said,

"And you shall be My mouth piece. I will glaze you blue with revelation and with the gold of My Glory. I will send you forth to Argentina to bring forth revival to my people."

I shared approximately 15 minutes, and as I walked across the stage, 2,000 people gave me a standing ovation. It sure wasn't because I had stage presence or looked cool. It was because Holy Spirit came.

I believe part of the key of moving in the prophetic is having a heart like a child that will simply follow Him. As soon as you get hung up on the titles, you begin to lose that child-like faith to fly like an eagle.

Jill Austin
Master Potter Ministries


Holy Ghost Goosebumps! This eaglet is flying!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Update ... again

Again, I must apologize for not being in and adding posts which will astound you with their deep and meaningful expressions of what the Lord is doing in my life. (as though in my wildest dreams, I could even think that that would be the case!) *giggle*

My life really is too busy. The Lord breaks through almost every day of late to remind me that I need to bring some more balance into my time. The demands of ministry are great and I love my work so much, there is always one more person who needs to be heard and another who cannot get counselling because they have no money. They're willing to do anything to spend some time with another human being who really cares. How can I turn them down?

I thank the Lord that for every person who cannot afford to pay for counselling, there are three who can, who can support those in our body who need to be picked up and held and cared through their trials. I know that each person who comes through my door or calls my line is a child of the most High God ... it is His responsiblity to care for them and for me. What treasures I have, maybe not in money in my bank account, but in my heart as I watch the Lord work through their lives!

Awesome, but I digress. *sigh*

As many of you know, there have been changes going on in my ministry and in my life. The Lord exposed a difference in theology in our church which I have struggled with for several weeks. I want so much to work in unity with the people of God. I respect the thoughts and theologies of others, but it has been increasingly difficult to work in the environment ... I will not get into particulars because it really doesn't matter.

I see myself as an eaglet. I'm in the nest. I've been resting, learning, growing and now it is time to fly. The Lord is an amazing God and He teaches the mother eagle how to send her babies out of the nest. Remember, an eagle builds her nest way up high in a tree or on a cliff. In order to teach her eaglets how to fly, she nudges them off the edge, lets them fall, and then swoops down below them to catch them and bring them up to safety.

Can you imagine the fear and surprise of a precious little eaglet, leaning back in her comfortable nest, being brought food from mommy day after day after day? Ah, the life... and then one day ... mom comes along, nudges her out and woooooosssshhhhhhhh ... our little eaglet if plunging, faster, faster, faster down to earth. Something, created by Almighty God, rises up within her causes the little eaglet to flap her wings, faster, faster, faster ...

And then, when it seems the little one is doomed for destruction ... mom comes along, swoops down and catches the babe. *sigh* *safety* Mom brings the child back up to the nest and the others comfort her as her heart slowly stops pounding. This goes on for several days. Finally, the eaglet in her distress learns how to flutter a little and hold her own in the fall. After several weeks of this not so fun exercise, finally mom starts to bring sharp objects into the nest. No longer does she bring pieces of fur and lovely soft things to snuggle under, but she brings sharp pieces of glass and twigs. It is not so comfortable in the nest any more.

Mom has a purpose.
She is teaching and training her babies.
She is not hurting them, but causing them to grow.

She is teaching them to fly.

Finally, one day, mom pushes the little ones out again. And when they flutter and bring themselves back to the nest, she pushes them out again.


It is time to go. It is time to start their own lives. The nest is not so comfortable any more. Mom is always there to love and comfort, but only for a short time now.

God has a job for the children now.

Their own lives.

In many ways, my life is similar to this little eaglet these days. I know I must leave the nest and go on to another stage in my life and my ministry. I look forward with great excitement to a new chapter. In a precious Church and with precious people I have ministered to for years in another capacity through Cleansing Stream Ministries. In many ways it is an answer to prayer, in many ways it is a stretching which I am not so comfortable with.

But I know it is God's call. And ... I am at peace with it now.

Ode to Pastor Mike

Dear Pastor Mike:

As I prepare to move into a new Pastorate, the place to which I believe God has called me, I want to express some of my thankfulness to God for bringing me under your Pastorate for the last two years. You have indeed been a great blessing to me and I want to express that somehow here.

Please do not take my leaving the church as a failure of your ability to Pastor. I know that you struggle with my decision, but I want to share a little bit of what the Lord has been showing me these last few weeks.

My leaving is not a testiment to your inadequacy as a Pastor, but as a testiment to your ability.

When I needed a place to land after Dr. Angelo DelZotto's illness, you provided that place. When my mentor, and my father in the Lord was no longer able to minister to this child, you took over that place.

Even though you are younger than me, the evidence of the Father's Heart and the Apostolic call on your life gave me a place to land, and to rest.

I came green, inexperienced as a Pastor and you showed me what it was to be a Pastor.

I watched you grieve, and cry, and mourn, and pray over your flock. I saw your struggle when they struggled. I saw you give and give and give until it hurt you and then I saw you give some more.

I learned how to have faith through seeing your faith. No matter what happened in the church, no matter what was going on, you held fast to the call that God had given you to shepherd His precious sheep no matter what the danger.

I saw you take wayward and hurting sheep into your office day after day and listen to them. You loved them, you guided them, you discplined them when they needed and when they came in broken, you placed them upon your shoulders, sometimes literally and carried them until they were able to walk again. And then you watched and prayed over them while they recovered. Many, many times in the last two years, I have been one of those sheep as I cried and prayed and fasted over my precious son and the challenges of his disappearance and of our lives.

You provided an anointed office for me to start up my infant practice. When I struggled with a client, you listened to me and offered the Father's very heart for them when I couldn't hear His voice for my fear and inexperience.

You scolded me, gently, as a Father would, when I was way out of line in my emotions.

In many ways, I came to your ministry broken myself. Even though I have been called to minister the precious healing of God to His precious people, you were there to minister that healing to me time and time again.

When I brought my husband, broken as he was ... you accepted him for the call God had placed upon his life. You saw the potential and you would accept nothing less for his life. You called him forth into the Priestly position in our home and he has flourished under that expectation and anointing. For that especially, I thank you.

I do not regret one moment I spent in Streams and under your covering.

You have no idea the impact that you have upon your people as you struggle working out your own salvation with fear and trembling. No idea, Pastor, how you affect us in our own walk. You call us to a higher level with the Lord.

Isn't that what a Pastor is supposed to be?

And your teaching ... I have learned so much about the Word of God through you and your sermons. Week after week, I saw evidence of your time alone with the Lord when you presented meat and sweet dessert from the Bible. You opened up Scriptures and the lives of the Patriarchs in a way I never heard before.

You taught me to walk into the calling God had for me. You never called me Carolyn, but 'Reverend Doctor' ... reminding me continually of the call that God has placed upon my life. I do not think I would have walked into the success in ministry and private practice I enjoy had you not called me forth into that.

When I struggled with theology and new concepts from the Word, you gently carried me through and showed me love and compassion where my training and degrees should have brought me. Indeed, you called forth the Word that was hidden in my heart and allowed the Lord to weave it all together into balance and most important, the expression of love to the sheep.

That is all that matters. That's what you taught me more than all. The precious people of God, the sheep that are in His pasture and not ours, the very people He suffered and died for ... they are all that matter. Bringing them to a greater knowledge and understanding and fear of the Lord. Modelling it, teaching it, stumbling through the trials of life and finding ourselves firmly planted at the Feet of the Master together.

How can I ever thank you for what you have been to me in ministry? Father ... Friend ... Pastor ... Counsellor ... Priest ... Teacher ... Apostle ... Leader ... Example ... Healer ... Brother ... Confidant ... Support ... Discipline.

No, precious Pastor. You have not failed at all. You simply took me under your wing and nurtured me until I could fly. Then, with sadness, you released me into my next Pastorate.

I only pray that I can continue to grow under the covering of another precious Man of God as I have under you. I feel ready to continue into my ministry as God has called me to.

The eaglet is ready to fly. Watch me! Everything the Lord does through me and my ministry is on your account ... beautiful jewels in your crown! May the Lord continue to bring others into your Apostolic ministry to enjoy and flourish under the Father's love as I did.

I love you with the Love of Christ, Pastor. And I bless your ministry. You are called to something much bigger and grander than you have any idea. Remember the Sword. It is that of the Lord. He will cause you to rise up and cover many like you did me. And it will all be for His Glory.

Amen, and Thank you, Lord.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


I apologize that I have been so scarce the last few days. I actually have been very, very busy in a different sort of way.

Normally, I am sitting in my office, counselling, praying, worshipping, studying, preparing for the courses I teach, meeting with other Pastors, etc. When I think of what I do, my head spins!

However, this last two weeks I have been peeling, scraping, 'mucking', sanding, and finally ... painting, painting, painting, painting!

My precious house is over sixty years old and we are the second owners. Since I was ill and wheelchair bound in the beginning of our marriage and then went to post graduate studies for five ... well, need I tell you how much decorating was done in the last 10 years?? Not much.

Here is the before of the kitchen ... I am almost embarassed to post this ...

Now ... I cannot post the after because ... well ... I ran out of time and *sigh* paint. But it will be coming soon.

So if I am not around, that's why. You can be sure that as I sit today in my lovely office in Toronto that I will be thinking of my little house and the remaining baseboards and doorframes that need to be painted and the walls which need to be 'mucked' and sanded.

It feels good!