Thursday, July 06, 2006

Ok, what now?

This cyst had developed on my shoulder and it came up to this head ... a few weeks ago I had it excised and now I have nurses visiting every day to pack it and change the dressing. ouch. To complicate matters further, DH came home with an awful flu and guess who got it? I've been on antibiotics almost non stop since March because of sinus infections ... now I'm off work for a few days. argh.

Now ... let's make things even a little more nutty. Yesterday I bought a new airconditioner for the bedroom and while taking it out of the box ... a simple thing right? ... I dropped it on my foot! The same foot that was in a cast last summer because I tore ligaments in the ankle. Guess what is swollen?

I'm going to go back to bed and pull the blanket over my head.

edited ... I'm coming back because I cannot shake why this is bothering me so much.

I was ashamed to admit that I have had this rash of illness ... is it because of the years I spent in a Word of Faith church? Possibly. If I am such a strong Christian and a good Pastor, would I be under this kind of attack? Why has my faith not been strong enough to speak against this illness and tell it to go?

Am I living in sin?

*sigh*

Where is the love in that sort of thinking? Where is the Lord?

Maybe I am just thinking through my medication and illness, but why would I as a Pastor feel this way?

8 comments:

Gayla said...

Carolyn, I'm so sorry you're going through such a time!!!

Here are my thoughts, and they're much different than they used to be before God opened my eyes to His sovereignty.

First, a question: Why would these things first cause you to think that you were in sin? As Christians, we are not immune to the illnesses of this world. We are not promised health, wealth or prosperity of any kind. Quite the opposite; we're told the trials will come, along with suffering.

That said, I have come to look at every circumstance as being from the hand of God, Himself. If He is sovereign, then He is in complete control of all His creation. There isn't anything that comes our way that is apart from His plan/purpose for our lives. Think Job. Job didn't know the 'discussions' that were taking place in the heavenlies between God and Satan. So many times, we're so quick to blame Satan or say that we're 'under attack.' Well, even Satan can't touch us without the express permission of God - so ultimately, God is the one who allows.

This has brought me great comfort and totally strengthened my faith.

Your statement, "Why has my faith not been strong enough to speak against this illness and tell it to go?" Carolyn, if I may so bold, this is NOT biblical. Please, please, don't get caught up in the lie that says all you have to do is speak things as though they were and then they will be. What amount constitutes 'strong enough' anyway?

HE that began a good work in you will complete it.

My prayer for you is that God will give you the grace, grace sufficient, to endure, to persevere - even through these rough times.

Carolyn said...

Oh Gayla, I'm sorry my post was not clearer. My mind is a bit foggy right now.

I couldn't agree with you more. I was more expressing the outworking of the spiritual abuse that happens in a Faith church like the one I was serving in.

It doesn't leave for a while.

Gayla said...

Ahhhhhhhhh, ok. Thank you for clarifying for me, Carolyn!!!!

Yes, I would imagine it's difficult to sort out. I'm in the same position, actually. It's hard to erase a lot of bad teaching.

Carolyn said...

It's funny, Gayla. I do not hold to the teaching at all but yet I caught myself not wanting to admit that I was not feeling well ... here ... to my clients ... to my church.

I had not realized how much my thinking had been affected. Now I am going to give myself permission to stop long enough to let my body heal.

Isn't that something?

How many other people are out there not telling the truth because of fear of being judged?

It makes me want to cry with grief.

Lorna said...

hi I could finally access your blog again (no idea why I couldnt earlier)

and oh poor you ((((Carolyn)))) but then I got a burst of the giggles

and HAVE TO SHARE IT

your blog is beautifully named without spot and there you are - with a great big spot - and well I felt God nudging me and saying spotless on the inside, on the inside, look deeper.

I'm sorry about the shame of being ill - and for the wrong teaching from earlier in yoru Christian walk. Pastors are human, and humans get sick - I think partly so others can take care of them.

Wish I lived closer - I don't do chicken soup - but a mean lasagne :) and we'd laugh so much your aches and pains would fade into nothingness.

God's love is what counts dear friend and I pray as I'm writing HIs love is reaching you and ministering to you.

Hope you all feel well soon -and that your lovely home - and garden - continues to be a vessel of the Holy Spirit of God because YOU live there!

Carolyn said...

*sob* Thank you, Lorna. Thank you, Gayla.

Suddenly I understand why.

That Precious Lord of ours is exposing and weeding out all of the lies, just like I asked Him to do. *sigh* So freeing!!!

Gayla said...

I so agree with you, Carolyn!

P.S. I love lasagne!

~m2~ said...

(((carolyn)))

sweetie, maybe this might be too simple an answer: perhaps you are simply sick. perhaps you work yourself so hard that illness manifests itself in odd ways that we don't understand (like when i had that staph infection in february - nobody could figure out how i got it! i was simply ill...)

dropping the air conditioner? you are trying to do too much when you have the flu. could you have called rob over to have him give you a hand? hmmm?

again, simplisitic and i guees it's because sometimes things are just as they are; of course God is sovereign but sometimes when He tries to get our attention, it takes Him a while to do so...

peace, sister.