Thursday, June 30, 2005

clunk, clunk, splat

the sound that you hear is the fruit falling off my tree ... arrrrrrggggghghhhhhgghhgghg ....

the clunk is the undeveloped fruit...
the splat is the rotten fruit ...

stay tuned for an update when i dig myself out ...

Friday, June 17, 2005


sorry i've been so quiet lately. i've been struggling with some things that are happening in our home.

i have had almost no contact with robby since june 8th when i took him to court. i found out that he lied to me on an issue and i've had to separate myself to deal with my emotions.

my husband bill has been off work for two weeks (more time off than i have ever known him to take even after surgery) with what we thought was sciatica, but it turns out he has hurt a groin muscle which has pulled a vertebrae out and put his back muscles in spasm. the chiropractor says it is the most painful thing possible. bill's in agony. all of his weighbearing muscles are in spasm and they are pinching his sciatic nerve. unfortuantely, all he can do is lay on his stomach on the couch. he's on mega painkillers ... it's not fun at all.

i can't do much around the house because i still have a cast on my ankle. that's another story, but i don't have time nor the energy to get into it.

i ministered at a retreat last weekend and further injured the ankle by being on my feet for so long. *sigh*

so we're laying low. i'm driving him all over to doctor's appointments and trying to keep my client base up, so it doesn't leave much time for anything other than hanging on.

thank you so much for your continued prayers. i'll be back with gusto when this is all over.

through it all, God is Good!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

we need your prayers

i know i've been quiet the last few days. it is because i am having trouble with my emotions. i do not know how to feel. *sigh* and the emotions i am feeling are not fun.

i need every prayer i can get. for peace, wisdom, discernment and direction. thank you to those who have been praying.

thank you to those who have called me at home or who have left messages.

thank you to those who have sent cards.

i feel like i am in the battle of my life. i feel like robby is in the battle of his life.

but ... God is good. all the tme. He will prove Himself faithful during this time. He has plans for robby ... to prosper him and give him a future. He holds robby (and me) in the palm of His hand and will work all things out for our good. we are called according to His purpose. we will overcome. we are the head and not the tail. God will draw him unto Himself. robby will serve the Lord. the blessing of a thousand generations is ours. greater is He who lives within us than he who is in the world. greater! mightier! faithful!

please friends, would you help me to keep my mind on the Lord? would you post a promise, a Scripture, a word? thanks for your love and support.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


court today ... sigh.

i really do not want to venture into this lifestyle. he doesn't want to be in it anymore. sigh.

likes idleness and laziness??

i found this neat site on Penni's blog, who found it on Annie's blog.
(i am so challenged on this net stuff ... note to self, set aside some time to research how to do those thingies!!)

other than being idle and lazy, it had me pegged right on.

You were born on a Friday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 6.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2436003.5.
The golden number for 1957 is 1.
The epact number for 1957 is -1.
The year 1957 was not a leap year.
As of 6/7/2005 6:24:19 AM CDTYou are 47 years old.
You are 576 months old.
You are 2,504 weeks old.
You are 17,525 days old.
You are 420,606 hours old.
You are 25,236,384 minutes old.
You are 1,514,183,059 seconds old.
There are 7 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 48 candles on it.
Those 48 candles produce 48 BTU's,
or 12,096 calories of heat
(that's only 12.0960 food Calories!) .
You can boil 5.49 US ounces of water
with that many candles.

Your birth tree is
Fig Tree, the Sensibility

Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, good sense of humour, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

There are 201 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.

The Life Path 6 indicates that very prominent in your nature is a strong sense of responsibility. You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support. This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on. While the 6 may assume huge responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.
The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others. Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others). The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern. The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Court ...

Tomorrow is Robby's court date.

i promised to go with him for support and to speak with his lawyer to see if there is anything i can do for him from my side. he could do all of his community service with our church, but he needs permission to be in Toronto as there is a restraining order on him. (very, very, long story)

oh, i am not cut out for this type of life. i can't believe how stressful it is ... he seems to be ready to let it all go, that is good, but we still have to go through the reaping business.

i guess that's why the Lord brought him back now.

oh, and i had a chance to speak with Nancy yesterday. i took Robby's clothes over and she was standing on the front yard with her boyfriend. he's a nice guy ... we had a nice talk. he's in the same sort of business (intake counsellor for a men's shelter) and we had a lot in common. the conversation was a touch strained between us - the first time in four years - but it went well.

when it was time to go, i thanked her (and very sincerely, from my heart) for all that she has done for Robby over the last few years. she was shocked. it was interesting to see the emotions pass over her face. that is not something you can fake and i truly meant it from the bottom of my heart. if you had told me that even two months ago i would have laughed, but God has brought such amazing healing in my heart.

i pray He does the same with hers.

so Robby and i are off to court tomorrow morning...

Saturday, June 04, 2005

always a little brighter in the morning

as i re-read my post from late last night, i see how the enemy and my mama's flesh had me concentrating on the negative. having a sick, grumpy, and angry husband to come home to didn't help my mood when i had to leave robby at the donut shop with "dealers".

what i didn't share was the good stuff. the laughs. the many, many sweet memories we talked about. the Lord.

we talked a little about the Lord. he told me how he used t pray when he was in jail. in his own jargin, his relationship with a distant Lord he wants to know better but doesn't know how.

he's come to the right place. but that is going to take time and relationship. the last thing i wanted to do was preach to him, i just tried to do it with my life and my love for him.

i also didn't write how he didn't appear to want to leave last night, nor how he didn't want me to leave. how he came around my side of the car and gave me a big hug before he left. a big hug by a big guy in an old wrinkled suit. he looked so cute. still my little boy. i didn't catch it until this morning. i was so anxious to get back to Bill because he was so grumpy, i missed robby's invitation to stay at the donut shop.

he asked me if i would be willing to come back and drive them home later. what does that mean? he was not all that far from his house ... and ... there are buses. he just did not seem to want to let go. always this sense of something that is being left unsaid. always this sense that he does not want to leave me. that has been consistent since the first time i saw him last Tuesday.

maybe he is not as entrenched in this as i think? if he was going to get stoned last night, it would have to be a decision, not just something they all do. from all he talked about on the trip and for the last week, it's obvious he is stuck in that place between this lifestyle and change.

thank You Lord for the brightness of the morning and a good night's sleep. everything always looks brighter in the morning.

i also want to thank my friends for their continued prayers. i KNOW that i know that i know ... i would not be standing without them. yours coupled with the prayers of Jesus.
thank You Jesus, You are always interceeding for us all. please keep my precious boy and his girlfriend in Your mighty Hand and do not let harm fall upon them. thank You that You kept Your Hand upon him all these years and that Hand has brought him back to me. please keep this heart ... there is nowhere else i can be than hidden with You in God. nowhere else. only You have the words of eternal life.
now Lord, please anoint me to minister to the precious ones You have brought me today at the office. i am so tired in my soul and my body. as i align them under my spirit, hidden with You, may Your anointing and freedom and love flow through me as never before. You have given me an amazing job and ministry. please do not let anyone be hurt by my struggles today. thank You that You have always been faithful in this way ... You are truly an awesome God. how You keep it all together all the time is beyond my understanding. but i am so thankful it is You who is in control today. if it were me, the earth would stop spinning and everybody would fall off.
i commit this day to Your precious care. In Jesus' Name i pray. Amen.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Sad ... very, very sad

finally my emotions have caught up with me. this is long. i need to write it. *sigh* i knew this was going to come, but it has taken me by surprise.

this is going to be very long, i have a lot to write about, a lot of emotions to figure out.

i'm exhausted.

robby, amy, and i drove about 2 hours to another town to pick up some of robby's possessions. it was a great trip. we met with my dung friend (accountability/prayer partner and best friend) for lunch half way and had a great time. she has lived this whole ordeal with me step by painful step and has prayed for him probably more than anyone. although she has never been a mother, she has wept and rejoiced with me.

lunch was great. she sees the remorse and change.

then we went another hour and more to a small town in southern ontario to pick up his clothes. i realized how sad this whole mess has been. he told me a lot. amy said about ten words the entire time, she's shy around me. he was only there for two months. when he came back to toronto, he found out there was a warrant for his arrest. he turned himself in.

he told me about jail. about places he had been. about the house where he lived. *sob* the other family that he lived with. i always thought it was the girlfriend, her mother, i really didn't know the entire extent of what kept him there so long. until he told me it was the father. you see when i met them very early after he went there, the father and mother were separated. it seems he came back.

robby said that *kevin* was the only father he had ever known. it had been the father ... not the mother ... he was looking for. *sob* i honestly didn't know.

he told me about jail. how scared he was. he told me about crime. how powerful it made him feel. he told me about the drugs. how they make him feel better. *big long sob*

so we get to this run down house. he owed them money. they had all of his good clothes there. the drugs and crime paid off in nice clothes. i had given some money to him to give to them. it really wasn't much money. he got out of the car and stuck his head back in the car and asked if it was really ok with me. i said, if you owe, you pay. what you reap, you will sow and if you owe, you pay. we'll work it out together sometime.

so he goes into the house. amy and i stay by the car. he comes back with shirts and pants on hangers. meager load it was. not everything was there. the best of the clothes were long gone. he was so sorry. i just shook my head and said ... let's go.

so off we went. exhausted.

he had his hip hop playing on the radio (how do they listen to that stuff???) and i'm getting a headache. i'm driving without my cast (found out that driving with a cast is illegal) and my ankle is hurting. he's so tired. amy is quiet. he falls asleep. we fight toronto rush hour traffic.

i call bill.

he's home with the worst siatica he's ever had. almost crying on the phone. the doctor has told him he has to take a week off. oh, how i know how rough this next week is going to be. bill is more like a bearthan anything else when he is sick. we are at least four hours more than i expected. bill is mad i am so late.

i think i am going to cry but i am too tired to do so.

we come to my house. first time in five years. there is the suit robby wore to his grade eight graduation hanging in the closet. it was big, he was heavy, could it fit? i brought it out and sure enough it fit. beautifully. he tried it on in the driveway. the neighbours see him and run over to congratulate us. he looks so beautiful. amazing.

so we have the trunk open and he shows me this bag that has all of his "jail" letters in it. he leafs through, shows me a couple of pictures of the other family, letters, things. i realize there has been another life i have not been involved in. other people he called family. other people he called 'mom and dad'.

i don't even know how to share what i am feeling. hopeless. like i'll never get my son back. like i've lost so much. grief. maybe the grief i should have felt years ago. anger at him. anger at myself. anger. sadness.

i drop him and amy off at a coffee shop in the neighbouring town he lives in. as we're driving up, amy spies a young man who is a friend and climbs out. robby stays in the car. she comes back with a quarter wanting to know if she can call to "get some stuff" for this guy.


will it ever end? will he ever get straight?

robby and i talk for a while. i'm going to go back home with his stuff in my trunk. he is going to come over after church on sunday. (he's going to the lutheran church up the road with nancy)

he gets out of the car. with the wrinkled suit on. i'm biting my tongue trying not to ask him to put his grubbies back on so that he doesn't ruin the suit when he gets stoned tonight. but i shut up.

i watch him walk up and shake the hand of the man (about 40!!!!!) who is obviously the dealer. i want to cry. he turns around and looks me straight in the eye. gives me a wink and a wave. doesn't even seem to care that his friends can see him doing so.

i want to cry.

truth has come out ... little bit by little bit of where he has been, what he has been doing and who he has been doing it with.

i want to cry.

in some ways it was easier before.

if you've read this far. thank you. i need to get it all out somewhere. once again i'm not sure how i feel. i just know i need my Lord more than ever before. i've got a huge pit in my stomach and i want to go back so badly to those times when i would nurse him as a baby, rocking in the rocking chair in his nursery, with kelly at my feet on the soft carpet reading a book out loud ... the monster at the end of this book - it became his favourite book and she now reads it to her precious daughter.

i want to put him down in his crib, sleeping, peaceful and safe.

and i cannot.


i can only place him in the hands of his Heavenly Father, along with my aching, broken heart ... and wait.

be still


He is God.

Beautiful Day!

it is incredible outside. the sun is shining, it's warm but not too hot, the flowers are blooming, the garden is alive with life. oh, these are my favourite days. and to top it off, i'm not working today.

robby and amy (his girlfriend) are coming with me to another town about an hour and a half away. i offered to take him to get some clothing and possessions he left there several months ago. i also offered t pay the storage costs. he is trying to apply for jobs without dress clothes. i believe that is where he was living when he was arrested. so, we're piling into the car and taking a nice drive out. we'll probably meet one of my best friends who lives out there for lunch.

prayers .... if you see this today ... are much appreciated. i'm going to try to talk to him about the Lord, but again, i need the Lord's discernment and wisdom as to how much to say. for the most part now, i've been doing nothing but listening.

Lord, oh, Lord Jesus, put a reign on my tongue today.
give me Your heart for robby and amy and let me be an instrument of Your grace and love to them. Lord, anoint this heart to hear You clearly during this time. I do not want to get in the middle of the work You are doing in their hearts and slow Your process down at all.
I come against, in the Mighty Name of Jesus, any forces of the enemy which might try to halt or hinder the plans and purposes for God's work today between us. you will not attack me with fear and prevent me from speaking the truth of God's Word and powerful Work to these precious ones of His. i cancel any assignments you have today.
Lord, thank You that there are ministering angels assigned to us today. I see them in my mind's eye hanging on to the car, leading, guiding and directing our day. Bless You Lord that You love us so much and never leave us nor forsake us. Bless You that there is an open communication through Your Spirit available at all times today. Be close to this mama's heart and guide my every word and movement I pray.
You are an awesome, awesome God. I worship and adore You and thank You for Your faithfulness in our lives ... i thank You that You choose to live within me! be blessed and honoured and glorified through me today. In Your Name i pray. Amen.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

still do not know what to say or feel

it's been almost a week since i saw him. he is constantly on my mind and in my prayers. i do not know if i am happy, sad, nervous... it's like the Lord has a hold on my heart and i still cannot adequately express my emotions. i guess all of them.

i want so much to follow God's heart in this. all He's saying is ...

you guessed it ...

be still.


I am God.


how many times has He dropped that truth into my heart in the last five years? how much this revving mama wants to just jump in there and fix everything? i realize even as i write that the lack of emotions (or better yet, reigned in ones) is the work of the Lord. He's holding me back.

*snicker* i just got a picture of me in overalls straining forward with my arms and legs flailing (is that a word?) and the wind blowing through my hair withGod holding me back by the straps. *snicker* you think i need to be held back??


i'm not adjusting to this new position very well. but the time spent in prayer is awesome these days. He's close. so close. thank You, Jesus!