Thursday, March 31, 2005

Blech ...

I spent all morning in the hospital.

I've been having these pains ... can't really describe them other than they wake me up in the middle of the night and i'm not sure what is happening. youch! i had the first one about 6 weeks ago ... the second one last friday night ... and the next one this morning. each one has been longer than the last.

so ... bill drives me to the hospital this morning at 8:30 ... at 1:00 (PM!!!) i had not even seen a doctor. i was in agony. i asked to lay on the floor ... they wouldn't let me. then they came to say that it would be at least another 3 hours before anyone would be seen. well ... i called bill and came home.

don't you just love our free Canadian medical system?!! I'm just glad it wasn't at the point of bursting!

the short is ... i don't know if it is gallbladder or appendix, but it is something. right now, things have settled a bit, i expect that the attack has stopped.

the nurse told us to call an ambulance if it gets worse ... at least that way i'll be able to lie down and will be taken to a doctor quicker. but if it does, lying down will not help. ack.

please pray for us??

if i'm not in for the next few days, you'll know why. i'm praying the Lord will bring complete healing.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Spring ...

I went to have my car serviced this morning and decided to wait an hour for it instead of taking the shuttle home to get some work done.

Normally I do not have an hour to "waste", but I sensed the Lord prompting me to wait so I did.

What an amazing day.

It is 16 degrees here ... about 57 or so F, and I sat outside in one of the courtesy chairs and just let the son shine upon me. It was awesome. It has been a long, long, winter and I feel like I have been in a cave. I've done very little physical activity and have gone off my favourite low carb way of eating only to gain back almost 20 pounds.

With this sunshine and wonderful weather, I want to drop the weight, but like most women my age (48), it is not as easy as it was 20 years ago to drop it. Actually, it seems next to impossible.

So ... do I need to be happy with me the way I am?

I realize that my self esteem really was tied up in how I looked and I have this crazy idea that I will only be pretty ... acceptable ... attractive ... worthy ... until I weigh 130 pounds on my 5'7" body.

ack. silly, huh?

But yet ... I need to be less weight for my health. I want to be more active and it is very difficult with this weight. I started to have trouble breathing while climbing some stairs or running around in praise the other day. Oh boy.

This Cognitive Therapy stuff is really starting to bug me. Self analysis is not fun. I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles this way.

Today, it is back to peppermint tea, lots of salads, and prayerfully a little less weight. Oh Lord, help me to keep this in balance.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

He Is Risen, Indeed


I don't know about you, but I find sometimes I take the amazing work done for me on the Cross for granted.

Sometimes I look at Jesus sort of like a Father, or a Big Brother who is always there; who can be counted on ... who will always come through for me, without really realizing the amazing price He paid for that honour. Sure, I know it in my knower, but I catch myself sometimes.

How can we really know? In the intimate sense of the word? It is such a huge victory. A huge gift. Beyond what we can really comprehend in our little finite minds. How can we really know without taking that cup of suffering along with Him?

We have gained and received all of the benefits without the cost.

Then I remember ...

Mark 8:34 And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

Ah yes, that cross ... that deeper relationship ... that cup of suffering ... crucifying the flesh ... walking in the Spirit and denying my screaming emotions ... ack ... loving my neighbour as myself?

Ah. Yes.

What about the Good Samaritan? Would I do that for someone on the side of the road? What about those who have no physical, visible wounds, but those who are so wounded inside they cannot help themselves, let alone give a thing back to the relationship? I believe I will ... I believe I do.

But it is not my actions. It is my heart He wants to change. It hurts so much to see how much wickedness remains in this heart. The woundedness that still remains.

Oh Lord. Please deliver me from this wretched flesh .. and lead me in the way everlasting!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Watch and Wait ...

Today is that day between the crucifixion and the resurrection. How was it for the disciples? We know what is coming on Sunday. We know ... HE IS RISEN! ... but they did not.

How the women must have felt as they prepared the customary spices for burial. The very one who once anointed His feet in her love ... now she is preparing to anoint Him again. The grief.

As I contemplate the silence of this time, I remember grief. How in those first few days ... there really are no words.

I know the outcome. But yet this year I feel the grief. The journey of the heart from one season to another. He was with us ... His work is done? We have the benefit and the blessing of the Scriptures to know what is going on in the Spirit during this time.

They did not.

Yet they still made preparations to go to the tomb and do what they needed to do in the season they found themselves in.

I know I need to stay here for a day. To look at this emotion and really grasp and understand it. I need to set aside the expectation of what tomorrow will bring and find my peace and my joy in my faith that somehow God will work this entire life out to His satisfaction. The Word tells me that. He will create in me a clean heart, He will replace the stony heart with one of flesh, He will establish a new covenant with me. I just need to keep my eyes on Him.

I think of my Robert. I'm in that season with him. Maybe that's why I sense the Lord wants me to keep in this place to truly get the work finished.

Even if what I am standing on does not come through ... even then, I will serve You, Lord!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Maundy Thursday ... Good Friday

I posted this on a board I frequent, but I'm not sure it will be understood. What a powerful time it has been ...

I am associate Pastor at an evangelical pentecostal type church. Thankfully, my Sr. Pastor is willing to allow me to 'play hookey' sometimes and either speak at or go to visit and worship at another church should the Lord call ...

In the non-liturgical type church, which is where I belong, we truly have thrown the baby out with the bathwater when we decided to abandon the liturgy. Yes, it can be empty and repetitious for those who are not listening, but to those who know the Scriptures ... well ... the entire liturgy is Scripture! We cannot mess it up with our equally man made programs!

We had the most amazing Maundy Thursday ... It was our tenth wedding anniversary and we decided to join our old Lutheran Church for the service ... (this is the Church where where I have my hometown office)

We joined them for a Seder Meal. The Seder meal is an obvservance of the Passover meal, but with explanation as to how Christ fulfilled each and every area of the original instructions. Wow.

What followed was a service that was so incredibly powerful ... even if the funeral durges were a little hard to take ... (I must say I do really much prefer my contemporary Christian Worship)

Communion was awesome! ... then, quietly, one by one, several appointed people from the congregation went up and stripped down the altar and removed all of the vestments surrounding it. One by one, all of the lights were turned off until all that shone is the Christ Candle ... after what seemed like a moment but yet an eternity of silent emotional reflection we all left the church, one by one. Awesome!

This morning, we all met again for another service and then we followed the Pastor out to the hill behind the church. Several of the young men carried a rough cross and we sang ... 'Where you there when they crucified my Lord'. Wow, not a dry eye. I could barely sing and get the words out.

Silently, we watched while one of the men hammered the Cross into the ground and then hammered three support pegs. The pounding of the hammer was deafening.

This Cross sits between two other crosses which had been raised yesterday. What a testimony to the neighbourhood! Every car driving down the two busy streets will see them.

Silently, we all left to our cars. Powerful.

The Cross means so much more to me this year than ever. Christ means so much more.

I think I am going to encourage our Church to observe the traditional Lenten season with me next year. We miss out on so much power in the Spirit by not observing it.

During Lent this year, my focus was more on the Garden and "not my will, but thine". Fasting has always represented crucifying the flesh to me ... but this season, it was my desires, my thoughts, my need to be heard that the Lord was pulling out from me. Am I willing to give it ALL to Him? Will I trust in Him?

On a deeper, newer, and more intense level. Yes. I cannot do anything else, Lord. You have the Words of Eternal Life!


Thursday, March 24, 2005

Faithful ... He is so faithful

Wow. What a day.

remember how i was feeling yesterday? i struggled with this vague sense of panic all day ... like i was behind the 8 ball and was not going to get everything i needed to get done. i would get into my "peace zone" as i like to call it ... and suddenly, this panic would come upon me. i would sit down, breathe, and pray, and it would go, but it was a struggle all day.

my clients were all struggling as well and it seemed like we didn't get much done. then i had to get ready for cleansing stream.

oh my.

our topic for the day was 'committing everything to God' or consecration. well, i've had a lot of experience in committing Robert to God. so i felt quite adequate to preach on this one.

i have this song that i sing. mark schultz ... he's my son.

what you need to know is that i am not a singer. i do not sing in the worship band, i turn off the microphone so the congregation cannot hear me, but all through the teaching i KNEW i had to sing this song. God told me several months ago that He wanted me to sing it during this teaching.

i fought Him all night. finally i heard that still small voice which said ... 'are you going to consecrate your pride, carolyn? ack. blush. whimper.

so i sang the song. i even apologized to our worship leader who has the voice of an angel and a little bird at the same time.

i closed my eyes, i listened to the music and i sang my heart out ... i've changed the words a little from the original song to fit our situation, but it is this wonderful prayer ...

i'm down on my knees again tonight
i'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
see there is this boy that needs Your help
i've done all that i can do myself

this mother is tired, i'm sure You can understand
each night as he sleeps, I long to hold his hand
and i try not to cry as the tears fill my eyes

can you hear me? am i getting through tonight?
can you see him? can you make him feel alright?
if you can hear me, can you bring him home somehow?
see he's not just anyone, he's my son.

sometimes late at night i'd watch him sleep
i'd dream of the man he'd like to be
i tried to be strong and see him through
but God who he needs right now is You
let him grow old, live life without these fears
what would i be, living without him here
he's so tired, and he's scared
let him know you are here

chorus x 2

can you hear me?
can you see him?
please don't leave him?
he's my son ...

i opened my eyes prepared to see a sea of blank faces and didn't see a dry eye in the house. thank God the anointing is on that song because i don't think they heard my voice at all but the cry of a mother. that's what many people said.

well ... music minister and senior pastor inform me that i am singing this song on mother's day. there are too many mommies (and daddies) in our church who need to hear it.

sigh ... panic ... trust ...

so ... let me take another moment of your time.

this morning i am sitting with my Scriptures and i'm praying. i'm thanking the Lord for my life and my ministry and my family. today is my 10th wedding anniversary. i was thanking Him for all the beautiful blessings i have in my life.

my daughter is the light of my life. her daughter is an even brighter light. what a blessing they have been. when i first sang this song in public several years ago (and that is another story), kelly sang it with me. it was such a struggle for her because her husband does not yet serve the Lord and he objected to having to spend the morning in church. he dropped her off and went home.

they had been trying to conceive for almost a year. God kept telling kelly ... 'there will be joy in your obedience'. she stayed, she sang the song and became pregnant with our precious Jadzia the next week! oh my. such a wonderful God.

as i was thinking on this ... God gave me the most beautiful picture. as i opened my eyes at the end of the song, there he was ... standing at the back of our church. it is possible? tears stream down my face as i imagine the possibility.

i know he is close ... i know it is soon. what a mother's day gift that would be.

thanks for reading so far. this has been very therapeutic.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Can there be anything worse ..

than a psychotherapist studying a type of therapy and seeing herself all over it?

i am starting to develop a program for Cognitive Therapy that is acceptable for christian counselling. the terminology is a bit different and it is much easier for us to facilitate the therapy if we have Scriptures outlined to support the program.

like ... as a man thinketh ... oh.... grrr ...

So ... guess what I'm struggling with today?


... that i will not get everything done ... that i'm doing too much for the church at no pay and not enough of my own work for pay (thus the stuff over ct) ... that i'm wasting my time ... that i will end this day without accomplishing anything. time is so short for me ... i do so much ... i cannot redeem it.

see ... the thoughts? ack. they get me into a flurry of activity that only wastes my time.

maybe i need to see this in order to minister to my clients. they all struggle with this thought induced panic or struggle. how can i minister to them when i'm in the middle of it myself.

i'm not sure that there is much worse than a psychotherapist trying to analyze herself.

soooooo... i'm off to work. i have to prepare for cleansing stream tonight and i'm not ready. actually, God breeze! that's my problem. i've been running around so much lately i have not been able to properly prepare for the seminar and i fear that people are going to either get frustrated and leave or that they will not get the full benefit of the program.


that helps. it takes a huge load off my shoulders ... now i'm off to do my work .... i guess i'm a better therapist than i thought, huh? *giggle*

Monday, March 21, 2005

Oh The Drama


The drama of leadership.

I got a call this morning from a friend of mine and a former classmate giving me "the scoop" on stuff happening at the College.

It seems that someone in authority had been given a bit of a suspension and I was asked to take over teaching one of his classes for the summer semester.

The students are up in arms.

Why is it that we expect so much more of our Christian leaders when we're not willing to give 'it' up ourselves? Insert whatever you want for 'it' ... understanding ... mercy ... grace ... righteousness ... dignity ... forgiveness???

Now my friend tells me that some ... (those are the faceless 'they') of the students are upset with me ... that I have betrayed Dr. -- by agreeing to teach his class.



Oh the drama.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

My Precious Prodigal

I've been trying all night to upload and post a picture of my dear son without success. Frankly, I'm too tired and frustrated to keep it up. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

Robert has been gone since August of 2000. He was only 15.

How does one explain a 15 year old running away from home? How does one begin to understand how desperately confused he must have been to choose living anywhere else but home? Especially when his mom loves him so much?

I wish I could.

I've thought over the last almost five years it was my husband's fault, or my 'best friend's' fault ... he was abusive to me years ago ... she thought i should never have returned to him and told my son so.

it is so sad for us all.

my husband has truly turned into an amazing man of God. Jesus has brought him healing in areas none of us knew were possible. he's a completely different man. after almost five years, we are happier than we've ever been. sure there have been some tough bumps in the road, but we're making it.

but at what price? did i really choose this man over my son as 'that woman' accused me of?

great big sigh

i miss Robert so badly. it has been an awesome five years for me. i've accomplished so much academically and professionally, but all without him here to cheer me on with his cute little face and mischevious grin.

i miss him so much these last few days.

sometimes i think he is walking down the road coming home ... sometimes i think the next phone call will be him. five years. five very long years ... and no word to me.

how does a mother ever survive this?

i made so many mistakes, but surely, they were no greater than the mistakes of countless other mothers who kiss their boys goodnight. who get a hug and a kind word. oh, the pain of having lost forever five long years of my dear son's life!

he will be twenty soon. will he suddenly wake up and realize what he has done? will he miss his mom who loves him so much? is God really capable of breaking through his stony heart and bring up those memories of a better time? of how close we were?

how come i can believe it for countless clients? how come i see family after family restored in my ministry and am denied that very thing for myself.

only God knows ... i'm left with my faith. wavering as it does.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Another Funeral ...

Today it is the Mother of one of our dearest friends, Larry. We have had six funerals in the last two months of people who have been fairly close to our lives.

One was my precious Mentor of many years. A professor at the College who was instrumental in my ministry starting. He will be sorely missed.

There were over 700 people at his funeral, it was a celebration of a life lived in the presence of God. Many people echoed my sentiments that he had been "like a father to them". I was shocked when I realized I was last in a long line of major players in the field of Insurance (Angelo's first job), Pastoring (his second), and finally Theology and as a College Professor. He left an amazing legacy of which I am a small part. May his spirit continue through my teaching.

This funeral today is for a dear older woman who lived a solitary life and who never received healing for the misery of her childhood. She leaves behind a fragmented family ... each individual child unable to sustain healthy relationships.

Sad. So sad.

I had the honour of being called to the hospital to pray over her when the doctors gave the diagnosis that she would not recover.

What a precious woman. Such a sad life.

What a precious son. He is one of our dearest friends. But already, such a sad life.

Oh Lord, please let me be an instrument of Your grace to this precious family. The funeral is today. Larry wanted me to officiate because they all know me, but they belong to another denomination ... the daughter did not think it would be appropriate.

I respect that fully ...

I'll be there to love them and will certainly be praying through the whole thing.

The Sacraments of the Catholic Faith are so interesting ... how they span the life of the individual ... Baptism, First Communion, Marriage, Death ... I know there are a few more ... all shining signposts of a person's life where we want God present ...

front and center ... all glory for the life given to Him ... we do not take any of it ...

Life is such a gift. Death is such a gift. Sacred Circle.

My, I am reflective today. I really must run, but wanted to say how thankful I am for my Precious Lord Jesus and all He did for me ... and for the world ... to come into His Almighty Presence. Awesome.

Thursday, March 17, 2005


My little practice is starting to rev up and I'm needing some real anointing to get the books done properly. Here we are .. mid March! My! I need to get things straightened away.

I don't remember much of my accounting background. I used to be a bookkeeper, but the danged books were set up for me .. they were on paper .. and I knew what I was doing. I also had many more hours in the day to know what I was doing.

This brings me to hours in the day.

I have several days off this week. Clients who are away because it is March break around here, so they will not be around. A husband who is angry at me because I'm not bringing money in. Always a red amount on my balance sheet.

Lord, I trust You. I know that each and every client You have brought to me is directly from Your hand, so if I do not have clients this week, it is because You have chosen not to give them to me.

I'm enjoying the time off ... well sort of time off - I am working at the computer, but I am finally getting some things done and a little more orginization in my practice.

That is a good thing.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Melt Down Posted by Hello

I wanted to share my precious Granddaughter, Jadzia with you. She's such a ham ... this was when she had enough of her picture being taken. What a sweetie. Her and her Mom are two are the bright lights in my life.
May 16, 1998 Posted by Hello

That is me ... on the left ... in the wheelchair. May 16, 1998. Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

I was healed that day.


He is a good, very good, God.

I want to be a Bride without spot or wrinkle

Welcome to my blog ...
I take as my inspiration for this blog and for my meanderings of this time in my Christian journey Ephesians 5:25 - 32 :

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it:

  • That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
  • That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but
  • that it (The Church! Me! You!) should be holy and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.

For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

This is a great mystery ... me ... a Bride, without spot or wrinkle ... presented by my Bridegroom, the Lord Jesus Christ ... Oh my!

I had a vision a few years ago of myself in a huge hall. I looked down and I was wearing the most magnificent gown. It was made of the most incredible fabric I have ever seen. It felt so crisp and perfect. The colour was a soft cream but it was translucent ... The bodice was embroidered in exquisite patterns. Oh my. I never felt so beautiful!

Then, He came. He came up to me. Christ, the Lord! Jesus, the risen Saviour and He held out His beautiful nail-scarred Hand to me and we started to dance. Oh my. I thought I was going to pass out with pleasure!

The vision ended all too soon and it took several days for me to wrap my head around the message He was trying to give me. No longer do I look on Him as friend, mentor, shepherd ... He's my Bridegroom! The Scriptures suddenly came alive in a way I had never imagined!

My counselling sessions became alive! These people are His bride! He loves them with that kind of love!

Then this last summer, I came across Jill Austin's book - The Master Potter. She had the same vision. Jesus is showing His bride, male and female, that He is working on us. Teaching us to walk in the Spirit and crucify the flesh. But oh, it hurts.

Sooooo .... thanks to my precious friend, Martha2, I have decided to blog about the process. I pray that it blesses those who read ... but most of all, I pray it blesses my Heavenly Bridegroom as He brings out the iron and presses away those wrinkles. Ouch! He finds wrinkles I didn't even know were there!

And the spots!??? Please pray with me that He does not bring out the bleach for those spots! Well ... maybe if He brings it out that it won't hurt too much?

Well ... alright ... not my will - theleo - but Yours - thelema!, Precious Lord! Amen.