Thursday, March 24, 2005

Faithful ... He is so faithful

Wow. What a day.

remember how i was feeling yesterday? i struggled with this vague sense of panic all day ... like i was behind the 8 ball and was not going to get everything i needed to get done. i would get into my "peace zone" as i like to call it ... and suddenly, this panic would come upon me. i would sit down, breathe, and pray, and it would go, but it was a struggle all day.

my clients were all struggling as well and it seemed like we didn't get much done. then i had to get ready for cleansing stream.

oh my.

our topic for the day was 'committing everything to God' or consecration. well, i've had a lot of experience in committing Robert to God. so i felt quite adequate to preach on this one.

i have this song that i sing. mark schultz ... he's my son.

what you need to know is that i am not a singer. i do not sing in the worship band, i turn off the microphone so the congregation cannot hear me, but all through the teaching i KNEW i had to sing this song. God told me several months ago that He wanted me to sing it during this teaching.

i fought Him all night. finally i heard that still small voice which said ... 'are you going to consecrate your pride, carolyn? ack. blush. whimper.

so i sang the song. i even apologized to our worship leader who has the voice of an angel and a little bird at the same time.

i closed my eyes, i listened to the music and i sang my heart out ... i've changed the words a little from the original song to fit our situation, but it is this wonderful prayer ...

i'm down on my knees again tonight
i'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
see there is this boy that needs Your help
i've done all that i can do myself

this mother is tired, i'm sure You can understand
each night as he sleeps, I long to hold his hand
and i try not to cry as the tears fill my eyes

can you hear me? am i getting through tonight?
can you see him? can you make him feel alright?
if you can hear me, can you bring him home somehow?
see he's not just anyone, he's my son.

sometimes late at night i'd watch him sleep
i'd dream of the man he'd like to be
i tried to be strong and see him through
but God who he needs right now is You
let him grow old, live life without these fears
what would i be, living without him here
he's so tired, and he's scared
let him know you are here

chorus x 2

can you hear me?
can you see him?
please don't leave him?
he's my son ...

i opened my eyes prepared to see a sea of blank faces and didn't see a dry eye in the house. thank God the anointing is on that song because i don't think they heard my voice at all but the cry of a mother. that's what many people said.

well ... music minister and senior pastor inform me that i am singing this song on mother's day. there are too many mommies (and daddies) in our church who need to hear it.

sigh ... panic ... trust ...

so ... let me take another moment of your time.

this morning i am sitting with my Scriptures and i'm praying. i'm thanking the Lord for my life and my ministry and my family. today is my 10th wedding anniversary. i was thanking Him for all the beautiful blessings i have in my life.

my daughter is the light of my life. her daughter is an even brighter light. what a blessing they have been. when i first sang this song in public several years ago (and that is another story), kelly sang it with me. it was such a struggle for her because her husband does not yet serve the Lord and he objected to having to spend the morning in church. he dropped her off and went home.

they had been trying to conceive for almost a year. God kept telling kelly ... 'there will be joy in your obedience'. she stayed, she sang the song and became pregnant with our precious Jadzia the next week! oh my. such a wonderful God.

as i was thinking on this ... God gave me the most beautiful picture. as i opened my eyes at the end of the song, there he was ... standing at the back of our church. it is possible? tears stream down my face as i imagine the possibility.

i know he is close ... i know it is soon. what a mother's day gift that would be.

thanks for reading so far. this has been very therapeutic.


Gayla said...

Carolyn, what a beautiful post! Brought a tear to my eye, for sure. You are an obedient daughter of the King. He will honor that obedience, maybe not in your time frame, but in His perfect timing.

I don't sing either, so the thought of having to do a SOLO frightens me to death!!!

Thank you for your example of faith to me.

Carolyn said...

thank you Gayla, for coming in so faithfully to read my musings. this blog thing has been very therapetic for me. i am suggesting that all my clients start one.

believe me, the solo idea is terribly frightening to me, but thank His Holy Name, He anoints the voice. yeah!

let's see what mother's day brings ...