for five years my focus has been upon praying very specific prayers for Robby. i've prayed that the Lord would keep him safe, protect him, guide him, bring people into his life who would model Christ and finally in the last two years ... Lord, just get his heart. that's all that matters ... when You get his heart, everything else will fall into place. please, don't bring him home until then. i don't know how i would take it. also, please, prepare our hearts!"
since Robby has contacted me and we've had two very good and positive visits, i can only thank God that He has indeed turned Robby's heart ... that was my prayer after all and God would not have allowed this had it not been time.
now i find myself feeling an unusual lack of emotion. i know from my training that what i am feeling is most probably shock. it is not really a lack of emotion, i have this deep, gut level, abiding peace that i know from experience can only be Holy Spirit. He is carrying me ... your prayers are carrying me. all of my prayer focus - well at least a good part of it - now has to be redirected.
how do i pray for him now?
yes, i continue to pray the same things as above. but his needs are so different. he's looking at jail time. is this a good thing? from what he has shared, it was not a good experience for him. geee, that is the whole purpose, isn't it? he says that he is now considered a dangerous offender. ("don't ask mom. i've made a lot of mistakes") *sob* he says that he cannot stand the thought of returning to jail. oh Lord, keep his heart, strengthen him.
Lord, once again and in a completely different way, i commit to You this precious child that you gave to me 20 years ago. in my mind's eye, i still see him as a newborn ... looking very much like a puppy with his huge hands and feet and little body. we knew when he was born that he would be a big man and he certainly is.
i thank You for Robby. he is beautiful as ever and when i see him, i thank You that You give me the ability to see into his heart and to see the man that you are preparing to minister unto You. i do not see a criminal, i do not see a drug addict, i do not see a violent man, but i see my little boy with his precious mischeivous grin and his quick, sparkling eyes. i couldn't understand why until i remembered the awesome gift you give me with my clients ... how You told me You would give me the ability to see them through Your eyes.
how desperately and perfectly You love Your children, Lord. every one, no matter where they are in their journey and no matter how accomplished in ministry they are. You love them with a perfect love and i thank You for that ability and gift.
Lord, please anoint me to minister to my son in the capacity You have called me to and no more. Tie my hands where i might want to wipe away a perceived tear or make things all better like a mommy wants to do. give me disernment and wisdom to let You complete Your perfect work. if you have brought him back to me for this time and season in his life then You have a plan for me to minister to him in some way. please, let it be clear.
i love You Lord, and i thank You with everything i have for the incredible experience of this week ... to talk with and then see my son. hugging him once again was such an amazing experience and i think my heart needs a chance to catch up with my head. this is overwhelming and i don't even know how to feel.
please Lord, protect my heart. protect his heart. protect all of our hearts and lead us in the way everlasting for Your Name's Sake. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.