Sunday, May 29, 2005

The prodigal's return ... part two.

i do not know how to feel.

for five years my focus has been upon praying very specific prayers for Robby. i've prayed that the Lord would keep him safe, protect him, guide him, bring people into his life who would model Christ and finally in the last two years ... Lord, just get his heart. that's all that matters ... when You get his heart, everything else will fall into place. please, don't bring him home until then. i don't know how i would take it. also, please, prepare our hearts!"

since Robby has contacted me and we've had two very good and positive visits, i can only thank God that He has indeed turned Robby's heart ... that was my prayer after all and God would not have allowed this had it not been time.

now i find myself feeling an unusual lack of emotion. i know from my training that what i am feeling is most probably shock. it is not really a lack of emotion, i have this deep, gut level, abiding peace that i know from experience can only be Holy Spirit. He is carrying me ... your prayers are carrying me. all of my prayer focus - well at least a good part of it - now has to be redirected.

how do i pray for him now?

yes, i continue to pray the same things as above. but his needs are so different. he's looking at jail time. is this a good thing? from what he has shared, it was not a good experience for him. geee, that is the whole purpose, isn't it? he says that he is now considered a dangerous offender. ("don't ask mom. i've made a lot of mistakes") *sob* he says that he cannot stand the thought of returning to jail. oh Lord, keep his heart, strengthen him.

Lord, once again and in a completely different way, i commit to You this precious child that you gave to me 20 years ago. in my mind's eye, i still see him as a newborn ... looking very much like a puppy with his huge hands and feet and little body. we knew when he was born that he would be a big man and he certainly is.
i thank You for Robby. he is beautiful as ever and when i see him, i thank You that You give me the ability to see into his heart and to see the man that you are preparing to minister unto You. i do not see a criminal, i do not see a drug addict, i do not see a violent man, but i see my little boy with his precious mischeivous grin and his quick, sparkling eyes. i couldn't understand why until i remembered the awesome gift you give me with my clients ... how You told me You would give me the ability to see them through Your eyes.

how desperately and perfectly You love Your children, Lord. every one, no matter where they are in their journey and no matter how accomplished in ministry they are. You love them with a perfect love and i thank You for that ability and gift.
Lord, please anoint me to minister to my son in the capacity You have called me to and no more. Tie my hands where i might want to wipe away a perceived tear or make things all better like a mommy wants to do. give me disernment and wisdom to let You complete Your perfect work. if you have brought him back to me for this time and season in his life then You have a plan for me to minister to him in some way. please, let it be clear.
i love You Lord, and i thank You with everything i have for the incredible experience of this week ... to talk with and then see my son. hugging him once again was such an amazing experience and i think my heart needs a chance to catch up with my head. this is overwhelming and i don't even know how to feel.
please Lord, protect my heart. protect his heart. protect all of our hearts and lead us in the way everlasting for Your Name's Sake. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.


Adinah said...

what a beautiful prayer and one that I will pray along with, and for, you and Robby. Your words, I imagine would be very much like Gods words to us, a prayer of the heart, that speaks to our heart. Under my blog heading I used to have the words,"God wants the heart. The mind is a wonderful thing, but it follows the heart, amplifying the music the soul sings." (hence the name of my blog) I pray that you may have full confidence that your prayers will be answered. Blessings and peace to you.

Adinah said...

what I meant to say was, I get so "typing tied" here on these things, is that you have given to God, that which is His; your heart. And with that there will always be His presence to you and your son. Let me say not another word....:) Just know you are in my heart.

Carolyn said...

aye, i do understand and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers.

i believe very much that our prayers are notes in a concert straight to the Father's heart. He knows when the last note will be hit (not that our prayers matter in the scheme of things, it is in His time) but He knows how long it will take and how many will pray. (i pray that makes sense)

every note is important and necessary to the completeness of the song.

i covet and appreciate every last prayer no matter how long.

thank you.

Julie D. said...

Your post is an insight into something that I have occasionally thought when seeing a homeless man or picture of a hardened looking criminal on TV ... "That was once someone's little sweet toddler or precious baby." Thank you for reminding me of that thought once again.

That is a beautiful prayer and you show such wisdom in asking to minister in the capacity that is willed and no more. Thanks again for sharing all this with us and you will be in my prayers.

~m2~ said...

carolyn, i have been thinking about this post all day, which is why i didn't respond sooner.

when you're outside in the yard, doing yard work, you tend to think about everything, and you were on the list :)

i still don't know how to respond fully, but i agree with you: your prayer has to change. you are now in his life not only as a mother, but as a very well educated woman who can help him (if you are called to do so) on different levels. you are able to stay, to a certain extent, unemotional because five years, no matter how close you think you will remain, has a tendency to put more than just distance measured in time between you.

you have a lot going on (as ususal!!) but this is such a wonderful thing, all in all. "you reap what you sow" still keeps coming up in me -- he seems to be accountable for his actions (whatever they were) and is unwilling to share them with you because he respects his mama's heart.

i trust that God has all in control and stand in agreement with your awesome prayer.

love ya :) still praying...

A Heart of Worship said...

What a beautiful prayer filled with your heart and His wisdom, but this really struck a cord in me:

You said:
"...I remembered the awesome gift you give me with my clients ... how You told me You would give me the ability to see them through Your eyes. how desperately and perfectly You love Your children, Lord. every one, no matter where they are in their journey and no matter how accomplished in ministry they are. You love them with a perfect love and i thank You for that ability and gift."

Halleluyah, the sign of a truly spirit filled woman (and an effective minister and counselor)--non-judgemental and forgiving, loving, embracing, and understanding; a non-respector of a person's place or station in life. Seeing people as God looks at them....only with pure love. God only looks at our hearts...the rest, the outer trappings that we as people tend to get so caught up in, does not matter one iota to God! He only looks at our hearts...

Carolyn, I am so happy for your reunion with your son, Robby! As a mom, I can imagine your joy! We know that God is working something out in his life, in your life, and we pray, trust and believe with you that God has it all under control.

I was a prodigal daughter...and to make a loooooong story very short, it was only after I hit the dead ends and roadblocks on my journey, by God's grace, that I recognized that only God could fulfill that "emptiness" that existed in everything outside of myself. I THANK GOD for my misadventures--it brought me to the place where I am now in Him spiritually...and continue to grow!

I only said that to say, keep the faith, Carolyn, keep the faith! God knows what He is doing! You have the prayers of many joining in agreement with you for Robby's heart and the rest of his life

Charles said...

It’s hard to give our kids the space they need to mature and wait to see the results. We don’t know if they will offer there struggles and mistakes up to God for him to spiritually mature us or if they will hold on to it and let turn into bitterness.
May God bless both of you.

Adinah said...

Carolyn, thanks for your note. Since I am by nature a "ponderer" and "ruminator"....I like to chew on things a while, and was in my quiet time that I thought about your prayer.....and you. And how seldom we see these days such supplication of spirit...especially in print. We seldom (I realize I am making loose associations here) humble ourselves fully...(operative word being fully) before God as you so beautifully did. I too have been on my face.....looking at those's not such a bad place to be, when being there is the only place you know and you are there in your heart as well. It is good that you put the words out there to be read, with both mind and heart.
For some odd reason I wasn't too surprised when I read the name of your group.....what a great name!!
I just sat here with a silly grin.
Many blessing and prayers

Carolyn said...

my new friends, (and a few old), thanks so much for agreeing with my prayer. i will need this wisdom and discernment more than i ever have.

aye, i sat with a silly grin on my face as well. at His feet is the only place to be. oh how often i have found myself crawling back ...

more to add, but i'm exhausted emotionally from trying to keep myself going in my job. we had a five hour church board meeting last night. maybe tomorrow morning i will be able to write more, but not tonight.

just let me say, my husband, Bill and i need prayer and so does Robby.

Adinah said...

you are on the auto prayer list!