I've been trying all night to upload and post a picture of my dear son without success. Frankly, I'm too tired and frustrated to keep it up. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.
Robert has been gone since August of 2000. He was only 15.
How does one explain a 15 year old running away from home? How does one begin to understand how desperately confused he must have been to choose living anywhere else but home? Especially when his mom loves him so much?
I wish I could.
I've thought over the last almost five years it was my husband's fault, or my 'best friend's' fault ... he was abusive to me years ago ... she thought i should never have returned to him and told my son so.
it is so sad for us all.
my husband has truly turned into an amazing man of God. Jesus has brought him healing in areas none of us knew were possible. he's a completely different man. after almost five years, we are happier than we've ever been. sure there have been some tough bumps in the road, but we're making it.
but at what price? did i really choose this man over my son as 'that woman' accused me of?
great big sigh
i miss Robert so badly. it has been an awesome five years for me. i've accomplished so much academically and professionally, but all without him here to cheer me on with his cute little face and mischevious grin.
i miss him so much these last few days.
sometimes i think he is walking down the road coming home ... sometimes i think the next phone call will be him. five years. five very long years ... and no word to me.
how does a mother ever survive this?
i made so many mistakes, but surely, they were no greater than the mistakes of countless other mothers who kiss their boys goodnight. who get a hug and a kind word. oh, the pain of having lost forever five long years of my dear son's life!
he will be twenty soon. will he suddenly wake up and realize what he has done? will he miss his mom who loves him so much? is God really capable of breaking through his stony heart and bring up those memories of a better time? of how close we were?
how come i can believe it for countless clients? how come i see family after family restored in my ministry and am denied that very thing for myself.
only God knows ... i'm left with my faith. wavering as it does.