Sunday, March 20, 2005

My Precious Prodigal

I've been trying all night to upload and post a picture of my dear son without success. Frankly, I'm too tired and frustrated to keep it up. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

Robert has been gone since August of 2000. He was only 15.

How does one explain a 15 year old running away from home? How does one begin to understand how desperately confused he must have been to choose living anywhere else but home? Especially when his mom loves him so much?

I wish I could.

I've thought over the last almost five years it was my husband's fault, or my 'best friend's' fault ... he was abusive to me years ago ... she thought i should never have returned to him and told my son so.

it is so sad for us all.

my husband has truly turned into an amazing man of God. Jesus has brought him healing in areas none of us knew were possible. he's a completely different man. after almost five years, we are happier than we've ever been. sure there have been some tough bumps in the road, but we're making it.

but at what price? did i really choose this man over my son as 'that woman' accused me of?

great big sigh

i miss Robert so badly. it has been an awesome five years for me. i've accomplished so much academically and professionally, but all without him here to cheer me on with his cute little face and mischevious grin.

i miss him so much these last few days.

sometimes i think he is walking down the road coming home ... sometimes i think the next phone call will be him. five years. five very long years ... and no word to me.

how does a mother ever survive this?

i made so many mistakes, but surely, they were no greater than the mistakes of countless other mothers who kiss their boys goodnight. who get a hug and a kind word. oh, the pain of having lost forever five long years of my dear son's life!

he will be twenty soon. will he suddenly wake up and realize what he has done? will he miss his mom who loves him so much? is God really capable of breaking through his stony heart and bring up those memories of a better time? of how close we were?

how come i can believe it for countless clients? how come i see family after family restored in my ministry and am denied that very thing for myself.

only God knows ... i'm left with my faith. wavering as it does.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Carolyn - You know I love and respect you so much, dear sister. I am so very sorry for your "loss." I'm keeping you and he in prayer.


Carolyn said...

thank you, Gayla. i know that Robert will not come home one moment before it is time ... truly I feel in my spirit it is so close. like the Lord is preparing me somehow. but it has made it more difficult for me to function because i have such a feeling of expectancy regarding him.

i need prayer. so much. i'm also glad God is in control and not i. what a mess i would make of it.

every blessing ...and thanks again for reading my stuff.

ben said...

My younger brother ran away when he was 15, that was 6 years ago...He was very bright, had a lot of promise, could have done anything he wanted - sports, academics, ministry of the faith, music, writing, anything.
I've seen him twice since he ran away, he's on any drug you can think of, strung out constantly, never contacts the family to check in, I'm disappointed in him, he was my best friend before he ran away, even though there are 6 years of age difference between us.

Here's what I hope - He'll turn around and know that he's got a home to return to and start over.

Here's what I think will actually happen - He'll hit rock bottom, he may die, if he doesn't die; he'll think about coming home for a few days to let his wounds heal...than he'll be gone again.

My mom asks me if her and dad did ok when they raised me and my brothers and one sister. My mom asks if I'm mad at her for any reason or if she was a good mother, she's trying to figure out what happened with sam, why he ran away when the rest of us stayed and now own homes and are married...where did the switch come for the middle son?

It's not an answer that I think would even help my mom if it was spoken...answers don't help if the results are already revealed.

I know it's hard to not have your loved ones under one roof, even if it's not your roof, at least to know that they're safe and know that you love them...

Just remember the parable of the shephard, the 99 that stayed home and the 1 that went astray.

Hope is not lost and good seeds find good soil sometimes very late in the season.

~m2~ said...

hey, girlfriend - you know how i feel about this situatin and am praying right along with you that he returns home.

i pray he has the wisdom to recognize the need for home, even as a young adult.

the best we can do is pray, pray without ceasing, be the persistent *widow*, keep knocking on that door. He hears your prayers, even the ones you have no idea you have said.

i stand in agreement with what ben said: Hope is not lost and good seeds find good soil sometimes very late in the season.

peace to you, my sister.

Carolyn said...

wowza ... thank you. it helps to know that others are praying. even though i know i have a ministry team and a fantastic church who supports me ... well, the pain is never far away.

read today's addition, something marvelous happened.

m2 ... so glad you made it in here ... i love your blog and wish i had the time or the skills to make this as beautiful. you're a blessing to me every day.

ben ... hugs ... my heart aches for you. i know how much my daughter suffers. she blames herself as well. why do they do it? i wish i knew. i choose to believe that they love so much they must cut off in order to develop their own lives. that gives me hope that some day he will come home ... wagging his little tail behind him, like that one lost sheet.

every blessing to you dear one .. please keep me informed???

it's nice to "meet" you.

saltnlight said...
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