Saturday, June 04, 2005

always a little brighter in the morning

as i re-read my post from late last night, i see how the enemy and my mama's flesh had me concentrating on the negative. having a sick, grumpy, and angry husband to come home to didn't help my mood when i had to leave robby at the donut shop with "dealers".

what i didn't share was the good stuff. the laughs. the many, many sweet memories we talked about. the Lord.

we talked a little about the Lord. he told me how he used t pray when he was in jail. in his own jargin, his relationship with a distant Lord he wants to know better but doesn't know how.

he's come to the right place. but that is going to take time and relationship. the last thing i wanted to do was preach to him, i just tried to do it with my life and my love for him.

i also didn't write how he didn't appear to want to leave last night, nor how he didn't want me to leave. how he came around my side of the car and gave me a big hug before he left. a big hug by a big guy in an old wrinkled suit. he looked so cute. still my little boy. i didn't catch it until this morning. i was so anxious to get back to Bill because he was so grumpy, i missed robby's invitation to stay at the donut shop.

he asked me if i would be willing to come back and drive them home later. what does that mean? he was not all that far from his house ... and ... there are buses. he just did not seem to want to let go. always this sense of something that is being left unsaid. always this sense that he does not want to leave me. that has been consistent since the first time i saw him last Tuesday.

maybe he is not as entrenched in this as i think? if he was going to get stoned last night, it would have to be a decision, not just something they all do. from all he talked about on the trip and for the last week, it's obvious he is stuck in that place between this lifestyle and change.

thank You Lord for the brightness of the morning and a good night's sleep. everything always looks brighter in the morning.

i also want to thank my friends for their continued prayers. i KNOW that i know that i know ... i would not be standing without them. yours coupled with the prayers of Jesus.
thank You Jesus, You are always interceeding for us all. please keep my precious boy and his girlfriend in Your mighty Hand and do not let harm fall upon them. thank You that You kept Your Hand upon him all these years and that Hand has brought him back to me. please keep this heart ... there is nowhere else i can be than hidden with You in God. nowhere else. only You have the words of eternal life.
now Lord, please anoint me to minister to the precious ones You have brought me today at the office. i am so tired in my soul and my body. as i align them under my spirit, hidden with You, may Your anointing and freedom and love flow through me as never before. You have given me an amazing job and ministry. please do not let anyone be hurt by my struggles today. thank You that You have always been faithful in this way ... You are truly an awesome God. how You keep it all together all the time is beyond my understanding. but i am so thankful it is You who is in control today. if it were me, the earth would stop spinning and everybody would fall off.
i commit this day to Your precious care. In Jesus' Name i pray. Amen.

5 comments:

~m2~ said...

oh my carolyn, i don't know where to start or post (here or the sad one, but julie & aye were there so i'll post here)...they are sweet friends of mine, i would take their prayers to heart and am glad you did :)

first thing i want to say is this, and please hear me out and then you can get as mad as you want, but the word that kept coming up in me is: BOUNDARIES.

you need to let your son know under no uncertain circumstances are you to be present during a drug deal, during any time they want to make a call to *cop* - WHATEVER. that is no place for him, first of all, but certainly his actions may put you in danger.

you can assure him of your help in any given situation, however, waiting patiently in the car for him while he is out getting drugs or while his girlfriend is *scoring* is simply wrong wrong wrong (on them) - set the stage now with your parameters and i'll be that will never happen again.

also, don't worry about this other guy being some kind of god-like father figure to him; rob certainly chose his own path regardless of who was or was not in his life at the time he made his five years' worth of bad choices. carolyn, i believe with all of my heart it was your prayers and the prayers of the saints of God that sustained him during those years and were it not for them, then he wouldn't have been able to put on his suit from the eighth grade!

i can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. God has been preparing you for ministry, but you really didn't know what kind of ministry it was, did you? you can counsel him, mentor for him, mother him - but carolyn, again i say this with such love: don't enable him.

there, i said it and will post it now before i chicken out.

then i shall come seek you out on instant messenger :)

Adinah said...

I chuckled and said "Martha Martha...." and I agree.......no enabling!!

Carolyn said...

i would never get mad at you, Pen. ... especially not for speaking the truth in love as you do.

i don't think you understood my post or maybe i didn't write it correctly. so much happened, i couldn't get it all down with what felt like any clarity.

in no way was i present, nor did i approve of or enable any kind of a drug deal. no enabling here. this all happened as i was driving away. she was doing "the deal" all on her own. robby was not part of it at all. as a matter of fact, it was me who got in the car and left.

i don't even know if he did even do the drugs - i was only assuming he would.

i'm sure she'll "share" but he was sitting in the car with me while she was in the donut shop making a phone call.

i was shocked at how quickly the man came by ... maybe i only assumed he was the dealer. i don't know. i was in an awful mess emotionally last night when i wrote.

as far as boundaries go ... i hear you completely. this is my biggest struggle and why i am asking for wisdom and discernment. i don't know how far to go into the pit to love him. Christ went to eat dinner with them, that means some contact with the pit.

how do i love him unconditionally and remain aloof of his crap? do i pay for him to get a pack of cigarettes, or do i watch him withdraw when he's not ready to quit? do i pay once? twice? i really do not know.

i believe God will anoint me with wisdom. mama's heart just needs to be held close.

please do not hesitate to chime in ... ever. i value your comments.

Anonymous said...

Janis

Carolyn, things do seem much worse when you're tired and I'm glad that after a good nights sleep, things look better for you. Robby is coming home, a little a time, and one day I'll be reading some amazing things that he's doing in his ministry. It's all unfolding. Maybe Robby did think he needed that father figure, but I think what he needs and misses now more than ever is his mama. He had a 5 year void of not having you in his life. There's a lot that needs to be caught up on.

In time, Carolyn...in time. Everything is gonna be alright!

Love ya!

Carolyn said...

thanks, janis. i'm glad you popped in!

things are much easier.