Saturday, October 29, 2005

What about this room?

the entrance to the room ...

this is the laundry pile!

This is what milly's room looks like today.

does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get her to get this place under control?

we've tried contacts. we tried threats. we've begged. we've cried. now we're at the point of telling her to leave.

my concern is that robby will leave with her ... it's obviously not the best choice, but it is his choice. if i could work this out in a respectful manner maybe we will not lose everything we've worked so hard to gain.

ack. sob.


loren said...

I like the Title of your blog and your ambitions in being the Lord's bride. We're all still a work in progress.

Gayla said...

Carolyn, this is a room in YOUR house?!! This is a guest staying in YOUR house?!

Remember the great emphasis I put on it being YOUR house on another one of your posts? :)

Well, it's still YOUR house. More importantly, YOUR HOME.

Maybe, just maybe, before I kicked her out, I'd give her one last chance. I might just try telling her that if things aren't cleaned up, her clothes will be thrown out with the garbage. And if that didn't solve any future problems, then I'm with you on asking her to leave.

It's harsh, but her disrespect for your home is mind-boggling.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Sheesh!

Gayla said...

OK, after looking at the pictures again, I think I'd change it to ALL her junk, not just the clothes!

~m2~ said...

here's the scoop, as i see it: my therapist once told me you could tell where someone was in their mental state by how orderly/disorderly the interior of their home is, or in milly's case, her room.

i know that she is your son's girlfriend and you have a relationship you are attempting to rebuild in both of your lives. it would be a shame to have something like her lack of control and being orderly equate to his leaving and walking out on your relationship again. there has to be a middle ground, a middle way to resolve this.

boundaries boundaries boundaries.

have a *team meeting* - tell milly how much you love her and you have really enjoyed getting to know her. tell her regardless of her ability to maintain her domain, you love her, just as she is.

however, if she chooses to stay where she is living (with you), you would really appreciate her picking things up and getting it together. offer to help with hefty trash bags and do the flylady thing - 27-fling boogie, 15 minute room rescue, five minute drills. small chunks of time to tackle and enormous problem.

if you 27-fling, you get three boxes - 27 *must goes*, 27 *give aways* 27 *put aways*.

15 minute room rescue - once an hour (when she is home), set a timer for 15 minutes and have her go in and fold clothes and put them away. take trash and throw it away. and as soon as the timer goes off, she is done. do this with her and tell her you aren't there to judge, but to help.

organize that chaos, you can do it :) and you can do it with love.

love ya girlie.

Carolyn said...


thanks for your input.

we've tried it all. i've offered the flylady thing, but it has not been accepted. i can't force it.

i've tried to tell her i love her, etc., but to be truthful, that love is severely challenged right now.

i've kept on because i didn't want robby to make a bad decision by leaving with her. it looks like it will go that way if i ask her to leave, so i have to be prepared for that.

a mistake, yes. but he's made them before.

i've been praying that the Lord would get her heart again ... He's getting robby's. sigh.

we have had the sr. pastor over to mediate, but to no avail. she wouldn't even come upstairs to talk with him and robby wouldn't let me go down and get her.

a team meeting would be nice, but they're not 'on the team' ... i think that's obvious.

i've tried the love thing and all it has gotten me is sick. seriously, i'm exhausted from this pressure. my ministry is suffering. sigh

i won't even tell you how bad it is with bill. i'm constantly trying to bring peace in the home.

i want to run away myself.

Gayla said...

I love Pen's merciful heart. :)

Carolyn, it appears that you've exhausted all the possiblities. If this girl will NOT respect your and Bill's rules, regs and boundaries, I don't see that you have any other choice but to ask her to leave.

This is just not right.

Love you, and I'm praying.

Carolyn said...

gayla, i love pen's merciful heart as well ... and i love your heart.

thanks for your prayers.

we've decided to pray and fast and wait until the Lord gives us clear direction about how to go.


Lorna said...

sorry to see and read this - but in a small way it puts my own trials with teenage kids at home into come perspective.

We have a rule here - at least I do - keep the door closed especially if you bed is unmade and the room is chaos - then at least it doesn't rub my face in it and I'm less likely to nag!

As a mother I have the responsibility of training my kids too. I just never knew it would be this hard. (I was away at boarding school from 9-18 so simple things like not leaving stuff around and doing the smalls by hand and putting other washing in the basket were just absorbed!

On a slightly funny note - after ranting over at stf a while ago about my daughter in particular (she's 13)- songbird and others suggested that I make the kids do their own laundry. Even hubby was taken aback by that (prob afraid I'll make him next!).

The kids did ok the first time, but the second time loving son mangaged to break the frontloader handle - so we're washing machineless right now. Sigh and giggle. It IS funny when you think it through really.

It's hard not to get cross though and then - for me -even harder not to get depressed about it all.

Praying for you. I'm with the others who say it is YOUR house and to allow this to continue will not bear good fruit - but I'm honestly at a loss to offer real advise or help. Prayer I can and will do though. Be blessed :)

(PS she does have somewhere she could put her clothes and stuff if she chose doesn't she? It just struck me that I find it very hard living somewhere temporarily - like when we've hired a cottage for holiday - unless I discipline myself to unpack properly. )

Carolyn said...

lorna, thanks for your prayers! that is really all that will help right now. i love this kid so much. i know my son loves her. i know she loves us. it is so difficult to walk through this journey, but as penni said, i believe we've been called to do it.

she does have two dressers and a huge wall unit (10 feet long!) she just chooses to step out of her clothes and leave them where they fall.

the door is closed, but since we heat with gas fireplaces, it cannot remain that way during the winter. air movement is essential. sigh.

i'm fasting and praying for discernment, so we will not do anything until i have clear direction.

showing the Lord's perfect love requires sacrifice!

see-through faith said...

please know you are loved!