Sweet Ride

TA DA





This is my new Sweet Ride.

I was no longer allowed to write off my Hyundai Elantra on my income tax because it is too old. So, I had a problem. I needed to lease another vehicle. So ...
DS says ... Let me research a new vehicle, Mom.

Look what I ended up with!!!!

I interrupt this program ...

Blessed are the humble in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.

Sometimes the Lord shows me interesting things and I spend weeks working it through in my mind and with my clients.

The latest is with a 22 year old who is struggling with his pride following a recent relationship breakup. Out of my mouth comes the statement that the greatest strength is found in humility. Since it was out and his face registered disbelief, I had to elaborate with the anointing of the Lord, because I wasn't sure what I was saying anyway.

Ever have that happen??

I wish the Lord would fill me in on His thoughts in advance.

In a nutshell ... when we are humble before all around us, it is not a position of weakness, rather it is a position of strength. Because, with that place of humility, comes the death of our pride. And with the death of our pride, comes the strength to withstand any onslaught of those who wish to hurt our pride.

Humility is the emptying out of the flesh, crucifying it, and walking in the Spirit. It is always the Lord's desire to bring us into the likeness of His Son. Stripping off the flesh is an ongoing very painful process, but oh, how worth it when we step a little further into the Spirit.

Christ, Himself, did it. He is our example. He left His heavenly home and took on this flesh in order to conquer it and all its appetites. Pride being the most difficult at all. It is a condition of the heart, and one He does not want us to walk in.

But humility takes us to a place where we can truly see the Kingdom of God with all the love and power and glory. Where we look at others through the eyes of God and see their worth and value to Him and ultimately to Him. It is from that place that we are able to truly love ... and be loved ...

sigh

Sounds good.

Easier said than done.


Carry on...

Palm Sunday

I was thinking this morning about the liturgical passion week from my former Lutheran church and how much I missed it.

Lent, the fasting and praying
The looking within
Palm Sunday and the procession of the palms
Maundy Thursday and the seder meal with the washing of feet ... and the stripping of the altar, all of us leaving in silence and prayer.
Good Friday Service ... solemn and quiet. ... the procession out to the back yard of the church which is up on a hill and can been seen for many miles. There we always erected three crude crosses ...
Easter Sunday sunrise service
The celebration and the looking for the Allelujah banner.

I miss that.

This morning I walked into my beloved Pentecostal church to be greeted with palm branches (!!!!!) and a wonderful service with an incredible sermon. I had missed the mid week Pastoral meeting because I was so busy with the funeral and the parents. What a blessing.

I don't know if it is the fasting or the place I am right now, but the Lord is showing me things that are His heart in a precious new way.

I am so thankful for Stephanie and Robby. That the Lord's promises and blessings and love - all are new every morning.

Good news ...

Robert is engaged!!

He started dating an old friend a while ago. They have been spending a lot of time together as friends and have really been having a good time. I liked her from the moment I met her.

Robby came to me a week ago and asked if there is any way that one can know that "this is the one" so quickly and with such security? Oh yes, we can.


She is the sweetest girl! You can easily see it from the picture. I've never seen Robby so happy and so content.

The best part ... she is a Christian! And a lovely one at that. She loves the Lord so much. What a blessing.

Last week, we painted the new condo - well, the Kitchen, Livingroom and diningroom. We had a great time and really got to know each other. We had Christian music playing - quite load - and found we like the same artists. We were singing ... well, I was really very, very blessed. She bought me a present - and a card thanking me for welcoming her into the family with open arms.

I couldn't do anything else.

For all the dark times and the concern I have had for Robby and his future ... and for the many prayers ... God is really returning with joy.

Challenges continue

Last friday evening ... March 23 ... I was the oncall Chaplain for the local hospital. It was a very long day and I was just settling down to change into my jammies and drink a cup of camomile ... having forgotten my commitment. Within half an hour of my last client, I got a call from the hospita asking me to come in for a death.

Half an hour later I was faced with 40 something parents who had just lost their 10 month old baby boy.

This is not something there are easy answers for.

I stumbled through the next 3 hours ... not knowing what to say, what to do. I felt I was in the way, but stayed close to them anyway.

Praying over the baby
Committing him to the Lord
Praying over the parents
Praying with their sister
Praying .. praying ... praying.

I went home that morning, feeling that I had been of little use because I didn't have many words to say at all. I just sat there, looking at them. Staying with them when the coroner came in to look at the baby, while the detectives came to talk to them (standard proceedure in our area) ... walking to their car...

I finally went home and slept for a few hours and then did what any self respecting pastor would do given this circumstance:

Pray ...

Question my call
Pray

And then I picked up a paintbrush and painted the livingroom, diningroom and kitchen. Steph helped me ... see previous post for good news!!!!

Later in the week, I got a call from the local funeral parlour. The director wanted to know if I was willing to take the funeral for this little boy. The parents had been so comforted by my presence at the hospital.

Whew ..

Thank You Jesus!

So I embarked upon one of the most difficult and yet fulfilling weeks of my life.

I couldn't understand why the Lord had me start a fast just four days before this death. I assumed that it was for my husband ... but quickly realized it was for this family. As of this date ... 2 weeks later ... I am still fasting, but that's another story.

I started writing the sermon. There are few places on the net with instructions for pastors in this case. Several for a baby dying in birth, but few for one who dies at around the year mark. I talked with every pastor I knew well and none of them had ever been there ... each one prayed ... but each one said there is no way you can come through this and not be impacted.

I sat at the computer. And quaked.

God just took over and He produced a lovely work for them.

Stephanie sang as the casket was being brought in and again at the cemetery when we released what seemed like a hundred balloons into the air. The stayed around for the longest time, little bright coloured dots in the air... very moving.

*sigh*

I found during this week, the very thing God created for me to do ... brought the comfort I had been looking for. That in the death of a precious child, I found the life I had been searching for ... and the purpose of life ... to comfort others.

I need to keep writing ... sharing ... praising God!!

Out of the dark place

I cannot believe it has been three months since I last posted. It has been a difficult three months for sure.

My precious husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer. We have to wait until Wednesday to find out how serious it is, we are praying for a miracle. We did pray over him at church yesterday and I am going to stand on faith that God's will will be done.

We are still not in the same house; he does not see the severity of the mould and continues to live there inspite of the obvious damage it has done to his endocrine system. We do, however, spend Saturday nights together and yesterday he came back to church after a few month's absence. We are truly seeing answers to prayer there.

I finally had to submit to some antidepressant medication. It appears that the mould and resulting illness left my system so stressed that I fell into a fairly deep clinical depression. I have counselled many people who have been depressed, but had no idea as to the possible depth of how bad it could get. It is a very, very, very dark place. I cannot imagine those who refuse the medication as for me it was an almost instant improvement with the second one. From that point on, it has been a steady climb up and out of that pit.

My ministry is going very well. The Lord continues to provide enough clients to keep me busy but not enough to hire another therapist. I'm wondering what His next step for me is, but since He has chosen not to include me in on His plans, I must wait until He opens a door for me.

Robert is also doing well. He has reduced his course load at the College and is working hard on learning what he is enrolled in. It seems that five courses were too much for him last semester and we needed to give him a bit of a break. I keep forgetting that he is not me and that he needs to move at his own pace. God has been very, very faithful to us.

My regret is that I did not continue to journal during the dark times. It would have been interesting to read the upward progression. Oh well.

God is still good. All the time.

Out of the dark place

I cannot believe it has been three months since I last posted. It has been a difficult three months for sure.

My precious husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer. We have to wait until Wednesday to find out how serious it is, we are praying for a miracle. We did pray over him at church yesterday and I am going to stand on faith that God's will will be done.

We are still not in the same house; he does not see the severity of the mould and continues to live there inspite of the obvious damage it has done to his endocrine system. We do, however, spend Saturday nights together and yesterday he came back to church after a few month's absence. We are truly seeing answers to prayer there.

I finally had to submit to some antidepressant medication. It appears that the mould and resulting illness left my system so stressed that I fell into a fairly deep clinical depression. I have counselled many people who have been depressed, but had no idea as to the possible depth of how bad it could get. It is a very, very, very dark place. I cannot imagine those who refuse the medication as for me it was an almost instant improvement with the second one. From that point on, it has been a steady climb up and out of that pit.

My ministry is going very well. The Lord continues to provide enough clients to keep me busy but not enough to hire another therapist. I'm wondering what His next step for me is, but since He has chosen not to include me in on His plans, I must wait until He opens a door for me.

Robert is also doing well. He has reduced his course load at the College and is working hard on learning what he is enrolled in. It seems that five courses were too much for him last semester and we needed to give him a bit of a break. I keep forgetting that he is not me and that he needs to move at his own pace. God has been very, very faithful to us.

My regret is that I did not continue to journal during the dark times. It would have been interesting to read the upward progression. Oh well.

God is still good. All the time.

Out of the dark place

I cannot believe it has been three months since I last posted. It has been a difficult three months for sure.

My precious husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer. We have to wait until Wednesday to find out how serious it is, we are praying for a miracle. We did pray over him at church yesterday and I am going to stand on faith that God's will will be done.

We are still not in the same house; he does not see the severity of the mould and continues to live there inspite of the obvious damage it has done to his endocrine system. We do, however, spend Saturday nights together and yesterday he came back to church after a few month's absence. We are truly seeing answers to prayer there.

I finally had to submit to some antidepressant medication. It appears that the mould and resulting illness left my system so stressed that I fell into a fairly deep clinical depression. I have counselled many people who have been depressed, but had no idea as to the possible depth of how bad it could get. It is a very, very, very dark place. I cannot imagine those who refuse the medication as for me it was an almost instant improvement with the second one. From that point on, it has been a steady climb up and out of that pit.

My ministry is going very well. The Lord continues to provide enough clients to keep me busy but not enough to hire another therapist. I'm wondering what His next step for me is, but since He has chosen not to include me in on His plans, I must wait until He opens a door for me.

Robert is also doing well. He has reduced his course load at the College and is working hard on learning what he is enrolled in. It seems that five courses were too much for him last semester and we needed to give him a bit of a break. I keep forgetting that he is not me and that he needs to move at his own pace. God has been very, very faithful to us.

My regret is that I did not continue to journal during the dark times. It would have been interesting to read the upward progression. Oh well.

God is still good. All the time.

Retreat number 22 ...

I have been on the ministry team of Cleansing Stream Ministries Canada for 10 years. This awesome ministry has become part of my very soul during this time. It was at a Cleansing Stream retreat that I received my healing from Multiple Sclerosis (see March 2005 for a picture) in May of 1998.

This past weekend was retreat number twenty two for me ...

It was the most amazing experience, the best retreat EVER, although everyone laughs at me because I say that every retreat. But it is true, the retreats become better and better for me. Easier, more healing, and they bring me closer to the Lord than I could have ever imagined.

God has blessed me with increasing responsibility and servitude at these retreats over the years. For the last few years, I have been training the on-line ministry team and have had the honour of seeing and participating in the Lord's work of healing the church thousands of times. Often I have been asked to present some of the topics ...

I found out this Wednesday, two days before retreat, that the Lord wanted me to present on the spirit of Death. *eek*

I had initially requested to be freed of all responsibilities at the church which were voluntary and had barely been able to keep up with my pastoral counselling duties. This has been a very dark and trying few months for me.

One of the ministry staff contacted me early last week. She had been seeing my in therapy for a serious and painful issue which has plagued her for many years and we had been making good, but slow and painful progress. She asked me if she should still serve at retreat given the "mess she is in". Of course, I told her that the work on "the line" is the Lord's and not hers and that when she was so weak emotionally that the Lord could show Himself in a powerful way as strong in her life and to bring healing in to other's lives.

Great Pastoral response, right?

Well ... the Great Pastor gave me the same one.

I couldn't believe I was considering not going to retreat!

Our Canadian Director is my senior Pastor and he always seeks the Lord as to who does what at Retreat. I immediately called him and told him that I would do whatever the Lord wanted. Well, my usual responsibilities were what the Lord wanted.

Imagine my surprise when I was asked to speak on Death? *smile*

I had intimate understanding of how that stinker affects one!

Need I tell you how I am feeling today after ministering on my feet from Thursday night until Saturday night with about 8 hours sleep in the three days?

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is Good .... more tomorrow.

The Keeping Power of God

As I slowly start to dig myself out of this dark place, I am so aware of the Keeping Power of God. He has been here through it all. Sometimes He is as quiet as a whisper, sometimes He bellows through the screaming of my soul to tell me He is here.

How I long to be baqck in the place of peace and rest, but I realize that it is a short lived place sometimes, when the Lord has more refining work to do in my life. He's had that iron out and the bleach taste is still in my mouth, but I know without a doubt that He is working in and through me for my own good. And those of my clients.

None of my clients have this address, I don't know how they would react to the inner squacking of my spirit ... I have been overwhelmed at the anointing and wisdom that comes out of this woman's mouth when someone comes in pain trusting that I can lead them out of their wilderness. Many can see I am in my own, but isn't it awesome that God can minister to them in and through mine???? It is awe inspiring.

I often cry out ... how come You don't break through mine, LORD??!!! ... and He tells me ... Be still, Child. I am still God.

sigh

He is good.

As dark as it gets, there are awesome rays of Sonshine that break through. He is always behind the clouds and we need those clouds to bring the right conditions for the soaking rain of God to refresh.

I'm waiting, Lord.

I think I felt a drop ....

The Power of Attitude

From Deadly Emotionsby Dr. Don Colbert - excellent book!

I recently read a short essay on attitude by Charles Swindoll. He wrote:

"Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me."

Don Colbert goes on to say:

"All deadly emotions, to some extent, derive from our attitudes. And attitudes are something we can control.

You can choose how you will think and feel about any circumstance, event, or relationship in your life. You can choose to a very great extent how you deal with grief, resentment, bitterness, shame, jealousy, guilt, fear, worry, depression, anger, hostility, and all other emotional situations that readily trigger physical responses.

The first step you need to take toward health is to reflect upon your own attitudes. Own up to the attitudes you have. Ask yourself, "Is this the way I want to think and believe?""

Good words.

Jadzia's 4th Birthday

I can feel the prayers!

First, friends, I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and I encourage you to please keep them up! I can feel them - the Lord is very, sweetly, close - and I'm improving every day.

It has been a nutty week with lots of news.

First, Robby decided to end his relationship with Milly. Although I am happy for Robby because I wasn't sure that she was going in the same direction that God was calling Robby, I miss her. She caused a great deal of drama around here, but also, great joy with her outgoing personality.

He has made his room his own and is a very, very neat young man! It's a delight to have him so conscious of the state of the apartment, it looks lovely! I wish I knew how to post pictures from my cell phone, I'll have to ask him today to help me. He is also doing very well at school, although he has been home with me this week, so he's missed a few classes.

Second, and I am so thankful Milly was here when it happened, I had a seizure on Tuesday morning. After a day in the hospital, it appears that I had a reaction to antidepressant medication the doctor prescribed due to the stress I've been under. He thought it would help with the physical fatigue, and it has helped with the daily grind of trying to keep going when I'm so tired, but when we increased it to a "therapetic dose", I had a seizure. So, back to the drawing board in my quest for health.

After the seizure I spent an unusual two days in bed and saw a full caseload of clients out of the house yesterday - success. The Lord really anointed and it was a good day in the counselling office. I have taken the week off from teaching at the College. I have been told that the entire College is praying for me during every class - so praise God for answered prayer!!! Today I have three clients at my home and they are easy ones, so it is good.

As for the financial situation ... not so good at this point. I have enough in the bank for rent on the first, but that is it. I've only received $300.00 more than the rent this month in income - and I work the equivalent of almost five times that in hours, but the insurance company I work with has not released my funds yet. I'm angry and frustrated, but thankful there is enough to cover my expenses. Talk about pulling the belt in a little tighter, but we're not starving so I know the Lord will release all of the money when the time is right.

Oh, and remember I said I was praying for clients who would pay cash? Three old paying clients and three new paying clients have made contact with me. Isn't God good? *shaking head and sighing*

As for Bill ... well, that's going a little better, but I've paid a price for it. He made dinner for me last week - at the house - and we have been able to at least reconcile our relationship to the point where we are dating. That is a good thing, but since I refuse to go to the house and he refuses to go to a restaurant, or to my new house, I'm not sure where we will go from here. He's not well physically and doesn't see the connection with the mould (yes, Canadians spell it with a 'u' - lol), we're still fighting that battle.

Thanks for your prayers, my friends. I cannot thank you enough. The story isn't over, but the Lord is close and He is so good ... I can do all things through Him ... He is my strength.

Still feeling very fragile

I didn't want this blog to be an update on my struggles so much as my victories. It seems that I have been having way more struggles than victories yesterday and my old Word of Faith teaching is leaving hard and screaming all the way.

Robby told me that when he was praying for me a few days ago the Lord showed him that I would think things were going to only get better when we moved, but that it wasn't the case. I have to admit that I thought there would be a lot more emotional and physical release when we moved, but it has proved untrue.

It looks like my body is detoxing from the mould, etc., in the house. I am so tired and achey, it is frustrating. I am normally a very high functioning and busy person and do not deal well with not having enough energy to do everything I need to do ... especially when I am the majority breadwinner and it is difficult for me to work feeling this way.

The Lord has been so good. He has consistently brought new clients my way which is a relief, but for the last three weeks, I have only been able to see half of my client load. That means half of my income. Unfortuantely, it will not show up fully until around Christmas from the receipts from the insurance company. I'm praying that the Lord will bring more cash paying clients around that time to cover the expenses.

The Lord did provide work for Robert at the College so he can work off his tuition. I met the College President in the hall on Friday and he told me how happy he is with Robby's work! Yeah, God! Good work, Rob!

Now I can be paid for my work at the College because I was going to apply that to his tuition. That is a good God in the works, isn't it?

Things are going well with us at the new home, although Milly is not feeling well right now. As we speak they are off to the doctor, something about her not taking her pills properly and her system is out of whack. Prayers appreciated there!

She's matured a lot. They have been keeping their room very clean, it's nice to see a bed made and the laundry all up to date. It really is nice.

Bill and I have been talking on the phone every day and he has been asking me to come to the house for the night. Unfortuantely, I don't want to give up all of the detoxing I have done to go back to the house for any length of time. It's just not worth it to me and I think he is finally starting to understand by my consistent refusal to go near the house.

But I miss him so much. I don't miss the constant discussions about money at all, but we seem to be able to date very well. It's sad when we love each other so much but cannot live together in peace. Very sad.

Well, thanks for reading. I'll try to be more forthcoming for those who are worrried and I thank you for your calls and emails. I know I have been very scarce, which is out of character for my outgoing personality, but I need desperately to get my health back.

Blessings, my friends.

Teaching

I am teaching three courses this semester at the College:
Introduction to Pscyhology I
Psychology of Counselling I (yes, that is two 'L's ... the Canadian Way)
Psychology of Christian Life I

The two first are undergraduate and the bare introduction - usually a very difficult course to teach because the amount of material is vast and the basics can be very, very boring. The third is a Doctorate course and one that I have been left to develop completely on my own. I'm loving that!

The textbooks for the last course are "Master Potter" by Jill Austin and "Intimate Friendship with God" by Joy Dawson. Both excellent books by awesome women of God. Not that I am adverse to books or material written by men, gracious no, but these two women have written material that takes me straight to the Heart of God.

It is a delight to teach from this material.

The first book is written by a woman who is a potter. She uses her experience and the Word of God where one of the allegories of God is as a potter and us as the clay. Our most recent class was discussing the time in a Christian's life where he or she is put on the shelf to 'cure' so to speak, often early in their relationship with the Lord. But often, the Lord places us on the shelf again at another point in our production to cure. Maybe after a beautiful glaze has been applied, or a design. And we may cry because we are not being used as the instrument we once were. We do not see the finished product, or what the Lord is planning for us.

I was bemoaning my recent putting on the shelf by the Lord. This placing was bugging me because I have so much to do in ministry and I have been so ill that I have been unable to concentrate enough to even think about preaching a sermon. I went so far as to ask the senior Pastor to give me a few months off from my responsibilities of teaching and preaching until I was in a better place physically and emotionally. I have continued my counselling practice within the church - albeit barely - and have been able to sit in the congregation and just receive during the services. It's been a sweet time in some ways, and frustrating in others because there is so much I want to do.

Yet, the Lord showed me this week that there is beauty in that time of shelving. And I have been preaching ... three times a week in class. He has been giving me revelation and anointing for these students in a way that is truly incredible. Even my son - who is in my classes *clapping* - is amazed at the transformation.

It is when your family sees the anointing of God on you ....

Lord, why do I not have that anointing at home? All the time? I so long to walk in a way that is pure, holy, a testimony to the Love of God every moment of my life, but alas, I am but clay. An empty pot without the Lord.

He is doing something so deep in my life right now. Even my thoughts are open and bare before Him and He is showing me some that are *sigh* not very pretty at all. It is almost like there is a Holy Spirit Spotlight on my mind at all times. It is most uncomfortable, I must tell you.

But it is cleansing too.

It amazes me how He uses whatever is in our lives to continually cleanse us, bring us closer to His heart and from Glory to Glory to Glory ... for His Glory.

He's so good, friends. He is so very good. And faithful.

Even when He has the iron and the bleach in His Hand. (or the potter's shelf)

Feeling Better

This is very interesting.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the Lord wanted us to move out of the house. When I think back on how I was feeling and what I was doing, it occurs to me that He was prompting me to prepare for a move. I thought we were going to have to sell the house because of the mould, and we probably will have to, but I think there is more.

This is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah. I read a very interesting article on The Elijah List (elijahlist.com) this morning about Rosh Hashanah. One comment made was this is a time of transition and change, that realignments are happening. Something in my Spirit, that I KNOW is the quickening of Holy Spirit, said ... it is time.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I am where God wants me to be ... and that He has led me like a little child because I was too ill to make the trip myself ... footprints again ...

What is great is that I am finally starting to feel like myself again.

Mould is a horrible thing. Horrible! Like sin, it is insidious. It hides the the dark and then sneaks in tiny spore by tiny spore until it has destroyed its host. And only by killing it, will one be free.

sigh

The New Place

We moved into a beautiful condominium this Thursday. Mainly because I was under so much stress that I ended up with a full blown panic attack on Wednesday when my blackberry fell down the stairs and broke.

My whole life is on that thing.

I have been without it since Wednesday and I've missed several appointments. It is so frustrating. It has been backed up every night, but the computer in the house has been damaged by the power surges we were experiencing by the electrical meter incident last week where the meter was moments away from burning the house down.

*blink* *blink*

Just thinking about it causes me to breathe deep into a paper bag.

breathe in, breathe out.

Is it just me, or is the enemy on the warpath? He is picking up on whatever he can pick up on and causing as much damage as he can try to. He cannot make things go wrong, but he sure can distract, huh?

Anyhooooooo, the apartment is lovely and I am so enjoying the quiet and cleanliness of it.

More later. Thanks for those who pray.

On a Brighter Note ... College Days

Robert started College this week. He is taking classes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. It is so much fun to be walking around the College with him ... to see the reaction of all the people who have prayed so faithfully for him for 6 years! He is truly a walking miracle.

He has taken it so seriously! He sits in class and types away his notes from the lectures on his laptop. He sits on the edge of his seat and listens, really listens. (Must I admit that I sneak a peak from time to time???)

He talks about the classes, what the profs are talking about and how he feels about the politics of the day. It is so awesome to see how God is pouring out favour over this boy. He is completely different at school.

He is with me in the office and is presently overseeing the Psychological testing for my new clients. It is so sweet to see him dressed in his suit and looking so darn 'old' and 'mature'! Where do the days go?

Tonight as we were driving home (at 10:00 - eek) he said that he didn't want to leave the College because the Spirit is so sweet there.

In the midst of all of our hell at home, I am living and watching a real live miracle unfold before my eyes.

The enemy is a stinker.

Do you hear me? The enemy is a stinker.

He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It breaks my heart how Bill is walking along side him and attempting to ruin this precious time. I hate being in the middle, but for a few sweet moments at school - and at the office - I am living a miracle!

Thank you for your prayers

Thanks for your prayers. There is no change. I've seen this look in other men's eyes in counselling. It is not good and he does not want to get therapy for us.

Sad, huh?

Oh well, can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to.

Tonight was not good. I bought something for $10.00 at McDonald's for our dinner because we didn't have time to pack a lunch before we had to run out of the house. Bill was not happy.

I've started teaching at the College again and Robby started his classes, so Bill and I will go from Sunday night to Thursday night without seeing each other except passing in the night ... he goes to bed at 8:30 and I am usually not in bed before 12:00 so we do not see each other awake at all. I'm sure that is part of the problem. It is not an ongoing thing, but it lasts during the semesters. I simply have to work at night if I am going to make money and money is at the root of the problem.

I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I am home, he is upset I am not making money, if I am out making money, he is upset I am not home. ack.

We need a miracle.

An update ... thanks for the prayers

Bill returned home, but he still says he is leaving as soon as he finds a place to stay. I have been trying to respect him and give him all the tender loving care he needs, but it has been difficult with me being soo sick. He didn't even make me a cup of tea.

Every conversation is strained, he does not say a positive thing and I just cannot listen to his complaining all the time. I'm struggling with a huge case of compassion fatigue, which means that I cannot take anyone else's crap ... even to the point of not wanting to counsel certain people because they are such whiners. I feel that I have lost all of my compassion!

*sigh*

Because of that, I've had to cancel several days worth of clients, which does not help the financial situation, which is Bill's biggest complaint!

We are in a cycle I don't know how to stop with his help - and he is not helping.

Uncovering serious mould in the renovation has not helped matters at all. I am positive this is the reason that we have all been struggling with such serious illness over the last year, but again, Bill is unwilling to spend the money to have it assessed and then even more unwilling to spend the money to have it repaired.

He has dug his head well under the house like an ostrich and we are all dying from it.

*sigh*

I am simply hanging on as I have been for several months, but I don't know what else to do. Robby and I are renovating in spite of Bill at least to increase the value of the home if we have to sell, but I cannot in good conscience renovate over existing mould problems. I feel so stuck, I want to leave myself. But like Bill, I have nowhere to go and besides, leaving is the coward's way out.

We have had similar issues occur at the church as well:

Vandalism - some 'kid' stuck a garden hose turned on full down an airvent which flooded the nursery and all carpets had to be taken up - including our fellowship hall and probably the four Pastor's offices!

A tree was struck by lightening on the Manse property which crashed through the fence and landed on the parking lot ...

The overhead projector for our worship lyrics suddenly died ...

There is more ...

What I keep seeing in my mind is the enemy leading a parade of demons outside of the window ... they all have drums and noisemakers .... but ... they are outside. They can only try to distract us from our work by their noise and shennanagens (sp) ... That's all they can do.

I find myself giggle as I write because of my blog name and the description. The comparison between myself and the spots of mould are almost comical. Do you know how you kill mould? Bleach. *giggle* *sigh*

Prayers to keep focused would be so appreciated.