10 years is a very long time

Almost 10 years ago I experienced something that severely affected my walk with the Church.

Although I continued to serve God and work at the ministry He has called me to; my heart was shattered.  The details are really not necessary; God worked it out; but let's just say the enemy took my family and myself on a very rocky road indeed.

Today I sit here with so many changes in my life ...
To update:
Robert now has three absolutely beautiful children; Joshua now 9; Aubree 5; and Natalie 3.  I cannot even begin to communicate how much joy these beautiful children bring into my life.
Kelly still has the one gorgeous daughter who is almost 17!

I continue to be honoured to practice Psychotherapy in a thriving and extremely busy private practice. 

Bill is still hanging on but is quite ill right now.  He has slowed down considerably and is approaching his 77th birthday!  He didn't think he would make it to 65 so these have been extra blessed years.

My relationship with the church is what has fallen right apart.  I continue to minister to all sorts of Christians, and God meets us in powerful ways.  Just tonight, barely an hour ago, He arrived and brought healing and power to one of His daughters in the way only He can do.

It's me. 

I'm finding it so hard to open up to other people on a personal level.  As I type I realize I've closed my heart following the pain of 2010 and find it difficult to trust those in my personal life.  It continually amazes me how God brings such intimacy with my clients but I remain closed off and fearful of those in my life.

Interesting - both of the ladies who were at the core of my pain have since passed away.  I don't know if they knew God before ... there were signs they had given their lives but I wasn't in contact enough to know if they did.  All of the evil they tried to use to destroy the family came to nothing.  They are now gone and I have been blessed with these precious lives to continue to love even though they tried to take them away.

I did have the chance to forgive both of them before ... and I do have faith the Lord was able to show Himself to them before - only the Lord knows.

When I walked away from the Church, I felt little to no problem with it.  I discussed it with my Pastors; explained my reason and assured them it was a journey I had to travel.

I think it is time for me to come out of my cave and venture back into church life.  I know I have a ministry outside of my practice ...I'm still trying to process what God is telling me.  I'm still not sure which Church He wants me to go to or how.

My prayer tonight is He will show me clearly and anoint me to walk through the doors again.

rats ... sick again

I wondered why Coco was all over me yesterday. She wouldn't stray from my side and as I stuck to the couch, she stuck to my side. I was tired, but didn't really think I was sick.

Today ... different story. Woke up with horrible headache, stomach ache, body ache. *sigh* I see the doctor tomorrow so I'll have to start looking again at my sinuses. Maybe it is time to have the surgery that I postponed last year.

I really hate being sick ...

Social and School

January 12, 2010
Grandma’s Prayers from:
Grandma, I Need Your Prayers
Quin Sherrer, Ruthanne Garlock

Lord I pray for he protection of my grandchildren in the classroom, on the playground, on the school bus, in the carpool. Watch over their coming and going, and watch over them while they are on campus. Give them discernment and wisdom, and help them keep alert to danger. I pray for the right friends to come into their lives at the proper time. Give them godly, like-minded friends, and may they be a good influence on one another. Help my grandchildren to apply themselves well in their studies and to use the talents You have given them to their full potential. Lord, I pray their lives will always glorify You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Today we pray for their social life and their studies. Jadzia is in grade 2 - she's very good at school, loves to read and enjoys her time there. I'm glad to pray for her to have good friends and to be aware and alert to danger.

Joshua is only 2 1/2 months old. But it is never too early to pray for these things.

Imagine all the things they will need to face in the coming years ... how differen this world is from the world I grew up in.

Grandma's prayers

This is another thing that I have started doing.

I want to bless the families of my children - and my grandchildren. It is so important that they all are blessed and I have an unique opportunity and responsibility to pray for them.

Today's thought is about the home they live in ...

I want to bless the marriages of both of my children. Kelly and Derrick; Robert and Amanda. They have made choices in a mate and those choices fulfill their needs. Being a mother-in-law is a joke in our society, but my true prayer is that they would all be happy - and more than anything, that they would all know Christ - because only He can bring true, lasting peace into their homes. But that relationship is between Him and them. I trust Him to fulfill His side of the equation.

January 11, 2009
Grandma’s Prayers from:
Grandma, I Need Your Prayers
Quin Sherrer, Ruthanne Garlock

Lord, I pray for peace in the environment in which my grandchildren are reared. May it be a home filled with Your love and be a neighbourhood that is safe. I pray You will give their parents and those who care for them the wisdom and understanding to nurture them. Also provide them positive role models who will be godly examples. Thank You for the gift of these precious children. Amen.

amen.

On to other happy things - Jadzia!!

Jadzia is now 7 years old! She spent four days with me over New Years - I picked her up on New Years Eve (Thursday) and returned her home after church on Sunday. We had a good, good time.

We had our usual trip to Walmart - Carolyn doesn't go too far without getting something there ... she was in a very bouncy mood and I wanted to keep track of her so I put her in the shopping cart. I was told afterward that it is not the safest thing to do, and I will not do it again, but it was sooo fun and no one was hurt.

She is so much like me - a nut - and we can find laughter and fun in just about the simplest things to do ... just look at that face!! She is and continues to be a joy to me.

December 13, 2009 - I first met him

Now, that is the face of one very happy Grandma. I got to meet him. He is a beautiful baby - very sweet. Robert and Amanda have been consistent and faithful with visits - I've been able to feed him and all those things that Grandmas take joy in.

I praise God for His answers to prayer .... we prayed so hard. How I wish I had blogged about those prayer meetings! Darlene, Rob, Sandra, Dwayne and I stormed the gates of Heaven to see this (and other events in their lives) to come to pass.

I believe that the turnaround was due to our God being faithful to prayer. We just do not know what goes on in the heavenlies when prayer warriors come together in prayer - specific prayer.

God gets all the glory!

Shortly after ...

My first mistake? Maybe, I don't really know. I've searched my heart long and hard about this and wish that I had blogged about it during the process as I tried to do when Robert was missing all those years ago.

Robert and I are too close.

Amanda sensed it - and rightly so, she wanted some space between us. Or so I assume. The short of it is, I didn't see them from after the wedding - July 12 - until December 13.

Joshua was born October 23rd.

Words cannot express the pain of being left out of his birth and the first few weeks of his life. He was seven weeks old when I saw him first - but so much better than not seeing him at all ... There were friends who emailed me these pics before I had a chance to meet him.

Robert is now married.

He met Amanda in December of 2008 and by the end of January she was pregnant. He was delighted - he has always wanted a family.

You can imagine my surprise?

I like Amanda. She is a very pretty girl, as you will see. She has had her share of difficult times in her life, I believe they brought her and Robert together. But good looks isn't all that life is about - I've learned that lesson very well - but that's another post for another day.

They were married in Cuba at a resort my best friend and I go to often. Out of all the "stuff" that has happened in the last few years, Darlene (and her family) has been a bright spot. She took on the job of my scheduling and is amazing at it. Because of that, we both need a break regularly from the stress of psychotherapy private practice. Our trips to Cuba to rest and "debrief" have kept me sane for the most part.

We shared our resort with them, and Sirenis La Salina in Varadero put on a fantastic wedding ...





I had the honour of leading the ceremony - there is nothing sweeter than being that close to such a special time in their lives.









In typical Robert style - with all his tough exterior, he cried through the whole ceremony. <3

Remember my Prodigal - Robert?

He returned home in 2005 - just showed up and came back into our lives and turned it completely upside down as he turned our lives upside down when he left.

Over my years of counselling, I've learned a lot about temperaments - especially using the Meyers Briggs Typeology. Robert's temperament is the strongest ... which usually means he will be a leader, strong, independent, etc. Well, that he is. I love this boy so dearly that there is not much he can do wrong in my eyes. That's not good. He has been able to manipulate me and get away with so much over the years.

I think of my daughter, Kelly. She couldn't be more different. She's calm, dependable, sweet, compassionate, a fantastic mother and wife. She has done "all of the right things" in life. She's been a stabilizing force over the years - basically unchanging and dependable. I love and respect her with all of my heart.

Robert, well, he's Robert. There is no one else in the world like him. As is common with his type of personality, he marches to his own drum - and that has cost me a great deal of money over the last 5 years. I don't regret it all - I wanted to give him a good start, but I was blind to the cost it would be. To Robert, myself, Kelly, my husband, marriage, etc.

Love is blind. Yup.
Boundaries are very difficult to establish when there is fear. Yup.

Oh well, on to the news ...

Catching up

I guess it is time that I get back to blogging.

I've been sooo busy and truth be told a little (?) depressed over the last few years. I've isolated to the point of not wanting to talk to anyone - even myself. Funny, strange, I work and love my work caring for others. I can listen to anyone's story - be compassionate - and truly feel at the end of the day that I have helped another. God anoints me to do my work and He is glorified in all that He does for my clients.

But me ...

What about me?? *sigh* I wish I could even express what about me. I truly do not know.

I saw a play at a dinner theatre years ago - I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can - that's sort of how I feel these days; that I dance as fast as I can and it is never fast enough. I feel that I can never get all that I need to get done; that there is always something more I need to do and not the energy to do it. *sigh* Enough whining.

I'm back.

I'll update in a couple of posts ...

90/10

My, a lot of new things to share. *sigh* Sometimes I think I could write a soap opera, but then again, lots of other people go through stinky things in their lives.

I asked the Lord to iron out the wrinkles in my life which keep me from shining for the Lord. Ha....

It doesn't matter really what has happened ... it is my reaction which is the important thing. I don't know where I read it so I cannot give credit to the author, but I read "Life is 10% what happens to you; and 90% how you react to it."

The 10% I can whine about, the 90% I want to succeed at.

The Crisis of Disaster, The Crisis of Delay

I cannot claim this title as it was from the sermon of our visiting Pastor. This is a precious man in his late 70's/early 80's ... he is our gift during the interim period of waiting for our new senior pastor.

What struck me was the content of his sermon. It is in essence the thesis of a book I am writing and a sermon topic I love to preach on as well. It concentrates on that period of time between fear and faith.

You know ... when something happens ... like awaiting Gustav this weekend ... our first flesh response seems to be fear. Fear is a good thing ... it is an emotion given to us by God for a very specific and useful purpose.

Why?

Fear was given to us to cause us to see our inability and to run to His ability.

Let me say that again in full Pastor voice ...

Fear was gven to us ... by God ... to cause us to see our inability ... and to run to His ability.

Our precious Pastor did not go this way with his sermon, and it was a wonderful word full of faithand hope. But God wanted me to concentrate on this one concept. I end up doing a lot of that these days as I attempt to write this book I've been trying to write ...

I want to add something else to it though ... The Crisis of Faith

Think of the last time you felt fear.

A storm;
A near car accident;
Your child was late;
You couldn't find your precious kitten;
You got that diagnosis of cancer.

What happens? You take in a deep breath ... no doubt to prepare your body to run. You go numb as all of your blood is now moved to your head for clear thinking ... then to your heart to prepare you to run and that is all you want to do. This is a normal, healthy, and fantastic response built into our bodies by our Heavenly Father to strengthen us to take flight from an enemy or danger.

That is the same as a stress response or a panic/anxiety attack. However, there usually is not a flesh and blood - or wind and rain - enemy for us to run from these days. The enemy is usually ourselves or the voice of fear ... straight from the pit of hell, but that's another sermon. *grin*

So to whom to we run?
Our spouse? Our best friend? Our Pastor? A therapist?
All those are good places to run as there is wisdom in a multitude of counsellors.

However ...

all of these people need to run with us to the foot of the Father ...

It is there that we will find peace and rest. It is only in faith that the Lord has come, has died, has risen and sits at the right Hand of the Father that we can find the peace and rest. He is always interceeding for us; working things out for our good; preparing; knowing and working his good plans for our lives.

It is such a short journey, but yet such a long one for most of us ... myself included and that's why I spend so much time on this topic ... because we generally take a "Family Circus" type journey from the crisis to the Christ.

That is the crisis of disaster. But what about the crisis of delay? What about when we run to the Father, feeling that we are safe, and yet the wind and the rain continue and the enemy continues to growl in our ear? What about the time it takes from the accident to the healing? That's where the faith comes in big time, isn't it? That's where we press into Christ again .. and again ... and again ... and again until we feel we cannot press in any further . a.n.d. we are concerned that our faith was misplaced.

Ah, the crisis of delay often takes us to the crisis of faith.

Jarius, The woman with the issue of Blood, Peter, John, the rest of the Disciples, the Mary's, Debra, Esther, Moses, Abraham, Sarah, the list goes on. They all had that moment of the crisis of faith.

It is there that the roots are dug deep into the olive branch, the vine ... the Christ. It is there that we find Him.

P.U.S.H. Look up the story ... Pray Until Something Happens. We find Him in the Prayer.

He is good. He is faithful. He is love. He is Peace and Rest for your soul and mine.

Amen.

ahhhh, this is the life.

Meet the furfamily!!

Coco Chanel ... part Siamese, the sweetest cat ... so loving.


Meet Austin ... a HUGE Main Coon ... a gentle giant.


Meet Butch. He is our oldest cat - almost 17 and daddy wakes him up to take pictures of him with the plants. Something about to check the size of the bloom.

This is her favourite pose ... I wish I could sleep like her.

The Beauty of Nature

Labour Day ...

Where did this summer go?

It was so wet for so much of it, seems that we have only been able to enjoy the sun for a few weeks and already the kids are back at school.

Did I tell you that we won "Best Perennial Garden" in our community last year? The Community Association came today to bring Bill's plaque. Oh, I wish you could have been there to see his face! Such pride! He has been so unwell for the last two years, I think he had lost some of his pride in gardening ... and how the Lord has returned to him that delight! He is not well enough at this point to work a lot, but it still looks lovely ...

And now we're looking at the last few weeks to enjoy the warmth and the beauty of pink flowers ... sigh ....

The changing of the seasons - especially from summer to fall - always bring about a certain melancholy for me. Maybe it is getting older and not being so much in the summer of my life but looking at the fall, maybe my bones preferring the warmer weather and longer days ... but this year I am wishing for a longer summer. Maybe the fall with be warm.

The long, lazy days of sitting on the swing in the garden, enjoying my coffee and my devotions with the Lord in the morning on the wicker set watching the birds and the breeze flowing through the plants and with Butchie the cat at my side. There is something so peaceful and sweet about that time of the day. Usually I sit after I've had my morning walk, a new routine I've had to impart upon because of advancing age *grin* and a greater need for dexterity and exercise. It's a sweet time I will miss over the winter.