walking in the Spirit

this is where i have been for the last few weeks or so. life is incredibly busy ... i'm teaching two post graduate courses at two colleges, preparing for the upcoming Cleansing Stream retreat at which i am one of the speakers (on freemasonry!!), and trying to keep up with all of the demands of full time ministry. people are struggling. i have heard little from my son since he left with milly. i have been doing all i can to walk in the Spirit ...

there are many Scriptures to support what i am going to write, but i do not have the time this morning to link to them. i'll come back later to do all the linking.

the foundational teaching of the Cleansing Stream Seminar is teaching the church how to Walk in the Spirit. Based upon Galatians 5 and Romans 8 for a start, the growing Christian is taught that we must crucify our flesh and walk according to the Spirit of God.

Once we are able to truly give the Lord control ... to surrender our lives to His perfect plan for our lives, we are ale to live in that secret place ... the strong tower of the Lord ... the peace that passes all understanding. the joy of the Lord becomes our strength. it's a beautiful place.

the Lord allowed me that awesome revelation in a powerful way the day that i pulled robby's bail. i had a client show up at my home later that evening... it was his regular time but he had not been scheduled. i was really out of it. sad. crying. afraid. since he was going through something far worse than i, i 'sucked it up' and went down to meet with him.

well, God does meet us when we crucify our flesh, because then we are 'in the Spirit' and able to hear His voice. the fact that i had been fasting for a week didn't hurt either. so i find myself telling this precious man that although he finds himself in a place that appears to be a set back, that God knows all ... that He may be taking him out to do the work in others, and in him. That God is in control. He knows all. Nothing surprises Him. Not 'their' actions. Not our actions. and ... He is able to bring all things togther for all of our good. He is interested in our eternal future ... our character ... our likeness to Jesus.

ding
ding
ding
in my own heart

i could release my son, his girlfriend, his career, his school, his safety, his future ... and our relationship.

i've had a sense of peace for the last two weeks that is beyond understanding. and joy. and strength. and purpose. and trust. and ... well, it is well with my soul. why? because my soul (and body) is securely tucked in under my spirit, which is hidden with Christ in God. yoked up with the Lord ... easy and light.

sigh

it is a beautiful place.

so my question is ... why do we struggle to stay o u t of that place? are we nuts? why do we fight the Lord's work in our lives when we know it will bring us into perfect peace? i speak to myself as much as i ask others.

i think of you ...

when i read today's Scripture ...

Romans 10:15 ...it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!

thanks so much to those who have held us up in prayer during this trying time. it has been a journey for sure and i'm so thankful for those who have walked it with me. i know that God will be glorified in this process ... and that we will all end up more like Him in the process.

thanks friends.

Scriptures ... hanging on them today ....

Zephaniah 1:7
Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.

Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you."

i pray that i will be able to form a sermon around these Scriptures tomorrow. this has been an incredible time for me. how He has proved Himself faithful to me emotionally when i but submit my Spirit to His and crucify this screaming flesh!

anybody know any good time management courses or books? lol

a day i thought i would never live through

thanks so much for your prayers, from the bottom of my heart.

i thought i was going to die last night. my heart was so heavy and broken. bill was really getting scared.

then one of my clients came. i did not have him scheduled, but it was our usual time. well, i sat and talked with him and God really intervened through this man's struggle. i found myself talking to him and God was talking to me ...

He showed me that this does not surprise Him and thus, He is in this with robby, milly, bill, and i. He wants them both for His kingdom and He is capable of holding them and bringing them there. i immediately had such peace, it is amazing.

the kids came this morning and removed all of their stuff. and although it broke my heart to see robby carrying his things out, i was able to have such peace. finally, as he came for the last load, he was by himself. calmly, he came to me and said ...

mom, i'm not leaving you. i'm just leaving here. we can't all live together, but i still love you. i'll see you next week for school. i'll call you. i love you.

i told him that although i thought he was making a mistake, that i still respected his right to make it and that i would be here for him if he ever needed me. he will always be welcome here.

he gave me a hug.

i'm positive the Lord is working in him. i'm not happy with the way i have dealt with milly and one day soon i will have to apologize when things calm down.

i'm so thankful that the Lord continues to deal with me in His mercy.

oh Lord, bless them ... have mercy on me.

amen.

they are moving

finally, things came to a head and milly has been asked to leave. unfortunately, he has chosen to go with her. it makes me sad, but it is probably the best for evening involved.

:(

i will update later, when i get myself together.

my heart is breaking.

Zephaniah 1:7

This is on my daily Bible Verse today:

Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.

*sigh* this really speaks to me today...

ooooo ... i'm on a roll

i will teaching the material from my doctoral dissertation next week at the Bible College associated with our Church.

since i have to present the students with a textbook, i have been preparing the material to publish. they will get a simple copy of the first edition ... and i cannot tell you how excited i am to edit this again.

woooooowwwww, God did an awesome job of writing this book! can't wait!

great quote

"It takes guts to go and tell a complete stranger that something is seriously wrong with you but it takes a really tough old bird to then go forward and fix it because doing so often changes every aspect and every relationship in your entire life. " Hey Jules

Commiting everying to God!

tonight was our third cleansing stream evening.

i have been involved in this ministry for almost 10 years and have led the seminar for the last four.

God has blessed me with the most incredible group of people this time around. they are so hungry for the Lord and for His presence in their lives, we can barely stop at 10:00. i'm sure if i did not close the door and turn off the lights that they would still be there praying and praising God until 1:00 in the morning! what a blessing!

our first two sessions focused on 'walking in the Spirit'. Tonight we talked about 'committing everything to God'.

to hear these precious people talk about how God has led them through the last two weeks ... shown them when they are in flesh, helped them to walk in the Spirit ... and the testimonies that they have about His great faithfulness in their lives ... well, it is so satisfying.

i've come home revived. rejuivinated. renewed. refreshed.

how thankful i am for these days ... and how i realize after all these years ... it is so easy to find ones-self in the flesh ... sigh.

He's a good God and i guess i do not have to tell you what i commited into His precious, capable Hand this evening.

thank You Lord!

Thankful for His keeping grace

it's been a long few months.

i've been reflecting on what has happened and the challenges we face. even yesterday when i went to visit with sr. pastor (my boss) and his wife, i am so aware of the challenges those in ministry are facing right now.

i see it in my practice. marriages are challenged. people are tired and stressed. they're looking for something ...

i have many non-Christian clients because of the Employee Assistance Plans i work with. this has truly been a blessing for me. what an outreach! people come into the office and they immediately sense the peace and tranquility there. it's not me. that office is consecrated to the Lord. His presence is truly there in a precious way.

what an outreach to offer this place of peace and sanctuary to seeking people ... they are looking for that peace that passes all understanding that can only come from a personal relationship with Jesus!

but i digress ...

what i have been thinking on this morning is God's keeping mercy. my daily practice is to soak in the tub in the morning and read my Bible. the Lord blesses me with sweet communion of Spirit, and often i am overwhelmed that i have read 10 or more chapters before i stop. He is showing me a consistency in the Scriptures i have not seen before.

today it was romans. after chapter 12 i had to get out of the bath and start to get ready for my day. robby is struggling today ... he was up all night with a terrible croupy cough and he's wanting to sleep in a little later. it's 11:30 and he must get up as my first client is 1:00. (today is his study day at my office)

i want to cry with all that is going on in our house. there doesn't seem to be any place where i can get my peace ... the oppression is strong ...

then the Lord met me in my tub. lol. we had a time of sweet conversation. He infused me with strength and peace. He gave me the love and desire to make it through one more day with the issues we have been challenged with.

today is the first day of my fast. i am praying for His wisdom. we've been here before with milly and robby and yet, i still do not have the peace i need to tell her to leave. how He loves her. i need more of that ... i also need to know how i can possibly help this girl if she is to be left here for us to help.

sigh

that's why i'm fasting. there is no other way to get to the heart of God for me right now.

thank you penni, for your comments to yesterday's post. the Lord wouldn't let your comments out of my head ....

What about this room?

the entrance to the room ...

this is the laundry pile!

This is what milly's room looks like today.

does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get her to get this place under control?

we've tried contacts. we tried threats. we've begged. we've cried. now we're at the point of telling her to leave.

my concern is that robby will leave with her ... it's obviously not the best choice, but it is his choice. if i could work this out in a respectful manner maybe we will not lose everything we've worked so hard to gain.

ack. sob.

her true personality

although the picture we chose is very peaceful, this is Jadzia's true personality. i love the photographer, she sets up a booth in the local mall and takes the pictures in this little black 'booth' ... you can see kelly's hand to the right, mom stands in a little alcove.

She then uses an advanced version of 'photoshop' and adds a background. last year we chose a garden, this year we chose the top steps of a church. you can see the door behind her. it's very pretty.

when we were finished, Jadzia just stood up and started to dance for the 'crowd' which had formed. the photographer caught it.

last year's picture ...

how she has grown.

thankfuls ...

are we in ministry too busy?

i remember reading in the Elijah List last year that this would be a year of distractions.

hmmm.

i see so many distractions in the lives of those i counsel, especially those in full time ministry. i see them in the students at the Bible College. i see them in my own life. things are happening all around them (us) and if they (we) are not careful, the distractions exhaust and walking in the Spirit becomes even more difficult.

does anyone know what i mean?

when we are walking in the flesh (our mind, will, emotions and body according to a recent study of the hebrew and greek) we are being led by the flesh. but when we walk in the Spirit ...

Galatians 5:-17: This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would

i wonder how those without Christ keep their sanity sometimes. i just don't know what i would do if i could not snuggle up against the feet of Christ and receive the rest He gives.

even then, i realize that it is becoming a daily struggle to keep my peace when the trials of life, ministry, parenting, marriage, friendship, keep pounding against me and there seems a constant outflow of energy. i know the Lord is greater than anything i struggle with and He will give peace and strength when i press into Him.

that's the point i'm trying to make.

this is what He is showing me.

He is allowing all these things to cause me to press further and further into Him for my strength. not to my training, not to my flesh, not to other people ... but firmly into His strength, anointing, being. and oh, how the flesh screams! the flesh really does want to do it all.

think of the old testament circumcision. cutting off the flesh. hmmmmm. crucifying the flesh ...

Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

John 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

so the distractions, they are in the flesh. they are meant to expose how much we are still walking in the flesh. they are a good thing. actually, a gift from the Lord. after all, He is more interested in our growth toward Christ - who fought the flesh, and crucified it in a way that few if none of us will ever have to do. What an example. What a great God!

blogging personality

i found this on

Penni's

blog, who got it from

Gayla's

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

no drama for me? tell that to robby's girlfriend! lol.

his first paycheque

i should have taken a picture ... of the cheque ... and of his face.

robby has a job.

he's working with a duct cleaning firm. Mighty Ducts i'm not kidding. lol

he worked hard this week, only a couple of days, but hard because the hours were so long. he had to take the transit bus from one end of Toronto out to our little town ... a two hour trip and about $10.00 one way. but he did it.

and he was so proud of himself. look ma, he says, my first cheque. isn't it neat?

the beauty of this job is that his boss knows everything about him ... his past ... his future, everything. he will work around robby's school schedule as it changes and will give him Sundays off for church. it is right from the Hand of God.

sometimes i am so thankful for God's mercy and grace. for His sustaining, guiding Hand. once i settled down with the bail restrictions, everything has been so sweet. robby's really making it.

that's what he said tonight.

ma, i feel like i'm living a completely different life. i'm so thankful for where i am and your unconditional love for me. thanks so much for letting me stumble around and just loving me in the process.

*sob*

i pinched this from penni's blog, who took it by way of ukok's blog - the 23:5 Meme (who found it via alica...)

Rules:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to it).
3. Find the 5th sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these
instructions.

He's a body guard or security guard, one of the two, I'm not sure.

wow, that was a good day. it was the first *sighting* of the prodigal, robby.

up in the night

can't sleep tonight. the Lord has been dealing with me, my husband, my son, his girlfriend... how i thank Him for His grace and mercy when we are stumbling along our walk.

i've been reading other blogs tonight of Christians who like me are struggling with this walk. i want nothing more than to glorify Him in my life. in the minstry, we are under a microscope. not to be judged, but to be followed. paul said ... follow me as i follow Christ.

i had a long meeting with my senior pastor today. what an awesome man of God he is and how i thank God i am under his ministry. it truly is a place of safety and anointing. we've loved each other as brother and sister (sometimes spiritual father and daughter, even though i am almost a decade older than him).

how we have learned amazing lessons over the last several months.

over the last few days, bill and i have been agonizing about what to do with these kids. we know that milly needs to be back home ... we know that we were to open the door to her ... it's been so difficult to iinclude another person in our lives after five years, let alone two.

but what a lesson it has been!

my busy schedule has not allowed for much interaction. i have had to come home to listen to bill's complaints, robby's complaints, milly's complaints. i've talked to the Lord and other friends, ad nauseum, about mine. we've learned to love and tolerate and flail (is that a word??) around searching for the boundaries we are beginning to wonder are long gone.

once again, i had to consecrate this boy ... to realize that in asking milly to leave, i might be losing my son as well. i had to realize - the Lord is sometimes not so tender with his shepherds as He is with His sheep - that i had been agreeing with fear and not with Him.

ouch. ouch. ouch.

robby has been learning the lessons a pastor needs to learn. how it has hurt to watch him, knowing i have to stand back and let him struggle with the Lord to work out his own salvation and fight his own demons.

*sigh* being a mama ... being a counsellor ... being a pastor. i'm so thankful that the Lord is leading us down this narrow hallway. there is something coming ... we must be prepared.

rattle, rattle. bang, bang.

here i am again, Lord. i'm standing outside a door in this doorway rattling the doorknob, yelling, and knocking.

i thought You told me to go to this door? am i not hearing Your voice correctly?

Lord, i want nothing more than to do Your perfect Will in my life and to lead Robby as You have called me to do. again, in the early hours, i come to You and again, i consecrate this journey to You knowing that You will lead us tiny step by tiny step.

i know that You long to be glorified in our lives. Lord, please, anoint me to show Your love and the fruit of the Spirit in my everyday disappointments.

hmmmmmmmm. robby and i went to court yesterday morning at 9:00. we were told that if we were there that within an hour or so that the bail restrictions would be changed and the transfer of surety from nancy to me would be complete.

then robby could start school and his life.

*sigh*

it didn't happen. why did it not happen? at 2:00, they still had not found robby's file! the file which includes charges, the 'victim's' disclosure that she lied (old girlfriend, breakup, false charge of domestic abuse, yadda, yadda). these are charges which will be dropped in due time, but due time must be due.

Lord, what are you teaching us? me? robby?

at 2:00 the duty crown, bless her heart - she worked so hard for us, told us to go ... that was great because my first client of 6(!!) was in half an hour. so we 'wasted' a day waiting in the court.

or did we?

we had a great day. we had breakfast together, we had lunch together, we went outside so he could have a smoke, we went inside and sat on hard wooden benches and talked, we went outside for him to have a smoke. we went to a local store and got a great deal on some excellent quality pants for him to return to school. he sure does 'look' like a pastor even if at this point he doesn't act like ... nor can he go to school to learn to be ... a pastor.

i think i'm starting to see something ...

the lessons. he's learning valuable lessons.

they rebooked his court date for october 6th. that pretty well settles his school. he will have missed three weeks of classes. that is almost impossible - outside of God's strong anointing - for him to catch up with the classes. if, that is, the registrar will even consider enrolling him.

*sigh*

me thinks we have been rattling door handles that the Lord does not want us to open.

i get this picture in my mind of me ... did you catch that? me ... not robby of whom this story is supposed to be all about ... hmmmmm ... me ... rattling the door handle and the Lord standing on the other side. he's got His big Hand up against the door preventing me from getting that d.a.n.g.e.d.t.h.i.n.g. opened. rattle, rattle, bang, bang. sigh.
ya think maybe i'm not getting it???

*sigh*

oh, Lord. thank You for leading us. please, continue to lead us. i'll listen, really i will. thank You for the lessons we are both learning. i love you so!

as we are walking out the door, pastor robby says to me ...

"mom, He has to have a reason for this. He has promised to lead us tiny step by tiny step. His perfect Will ... it will be done. we just need to trust Him."

ahhhhhhhh, a lesson from God through pastor robby to pastor carolyn. don't you love it?