closed doors, opened doors, God's direction

have you ever wondered why certain things appear to be good to go and yet they do not materialize. and ... you have perfect peace in the process, but just don't understand why?

this seems to be our lives lately. in retrospect, i see God's powerful Hand closing doors all around us and directing us.

robby went today to register for grade 12 - to finish his highschool and ease himself into life again. we thought it was a great idea until all of the doors closed. we thought everything was good to go, but yet, they told him he was too old to come back, and that he would be better suited for 'alternative learning' (read rebellious kids hidden away 'cause they're going to fail anyhoo), but that 'alternative learning' was not available to him because it was full. then he was told he could go 30 minutes east to another town for another - even worse - school.

we didn't want to accept that.

robby went back to the principal after a couple of hours and said ... listen, all i want to do is learn. i don't care if i am 2 years older than anyone else. i've wasted five years and i only want to learn. please give me a chance.

she said ok.

go to a guidance counsellor and register.

the guidance counsellor says to robby .. you know what? you're smart and you're mature, i think you would be better suited to go to college or college prep instead of spending the two years it is going to take you to catch up your grade 12.

when he asked robby what he intended on going - trade school - or whatever? robby told him Bible College and then told him which one ...

the guy says - i know that college! oh, by all means ... go! this from a secular guidance counsellor.

we expected another year, but it appears to me that God has closed all of the doors to us except this one. the college does have a high school attached, so robby might go there for the last year, or he might go to college, we don't know.

we have an appointment later this week.

i'm starting to understand why we have gone through the sleeping arrangement thing like we have. he has to come to the place where he obeys because it is our rule and God's rule, and he wants to be obedient because he chooses to be, not because he has to be.

Matthew 21:28-32 But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him.

how can a future Christian counsellor or Youth Pastor possibly do his job if he is obeying the Lord because he has to? he won't last a minute like that. all of us in ministry know that it is a continual, constant crucifying of the flesh to stay afloat. how dear robby is learning this lesson first hand.

interesting huh?

your comments please

i am going to open up something without giving you the solution that we have arrived at for this problem. i may end up with my pastorly butt in flames, but i want your thoughts and opinions anyway. all opinions respected and considered.

problem one:
it has become necessary for our milly to leave her home. i alluded to it earlier and i do not feel that i can share all of the details, but i will share that she has no other family, she was not even living with her parents, but her mother's cousin and there was a good deal of abuse and other activity involved which left her with nowhere else to go but to our home.

we could have sent her to a shelter, but i've been in one and i know it would be out of the question for her. she's street smart in some ways, but broken in others.

problem two:
robby wants milly to sleep in his room with him. they have both assured me that they have chosen not to have sexual relations, and that they fully intend upon getting married in a few years. i certainly concur, they are made for each other.

of course, bill and i disagree with them sleeping in the same room. morally ... because i am a pastor ... and for their own good.

i have tried to explain that when i accepted the ordination, i took all the curtains off my home. i must live to a moral standard that is above reproach for the sake of the people God has put under my care.

- they both agree that this is not the 'way it should be'. she should be home with her family.
- they both agree that the Word of God is clearly against premarital sex and even the appearance of evil.
- they both agree that the church would not approve.
- they both agree that they need to obey the rules of our house and our morals.
- she knows that she wouldn't have been able to do this at her home, and they were not christians, nor in full time ministry.

they believe they are not doing anything wrong because they are not having sex.

they really have grown up in a completely different world. we wouldn't dream of bringing this up to our parents. this generation thinks nothing of it. society thinks nothing of it.

bear in mind, robby knows he will be a pastor one day, but his relationship with the Lord (i want to say 'obviously' but have a check about it) is not what it will be. he says it is much better than it 'was', but not what it will be. i believe that it is Holy Spirit's job to convict them of sin, not mine.

there are other issues involving my husband that robby brings up. he has done it privately because he does not feel that he should intrude or judge what bill is doing, but he has a point. bill has some besetting sins that are as bad or worse than the issue at hand. i have discussed the difference between a parent and a child. but robby really is not a child any longer. he believes that bill is being hypocritical by doing this and not dealing with his own issues.

*ducking the flame thrower*

problem three, and probably more the root of the situation:
- i'm afraid i will lose robby if i am hardnosed about this
- he is afraid he will lose her
- she feels she has caused way too much trouble at our home
- we are all afraid that this will cause irrepable harm to my marriage because bill is dead set against her living in the home for a moment longer than necessary.

my struggle:
- i want to honour my husband, but feel he is being very hardnosed and not dealing in love with this.
- as a pastor, i know i should be dead set against this, but i have such peace that we will come to a compromise that will work for us all and that getting legalistic and hardnosed about this is not the solution.

have i lost it?

we have come to a solution, not everyone is happy about it, but it is one that we can all live with for the moment. we have agreed to come back together in one week and discuss how we feel.

we have agreed that bill and i meet with our senior pastor - my boss - and talk about our feelings.

they have agreed to meet with senior pastor and talk about their feelings.

is there a glaring issue i am not seeing?
mothers really cannot counsel their own family.
what do you think?

just sharing my thankfuls

he looks snarky here, but he didn't have his contacts in and was squinting. it's his 'tough' look. lol

seeing things through different eyes

robby is going back to school next week. he decided that he would return to the local highschool and complete his grade twelve diploma before going on to Bible college. i think this is a very good decision and i applaud his maturity and courage to do so.

as he is still not working, i took him out to make sure he had some nice clothes to return back to school. you would have to know this dear man's heart to realize how difficult it is to be without money when he had spent several years in the drug and gang arena. there was always money available and his wardrobe was high end.

now he is buying $20.00 wallmart track pants.

today we decided that it would be a mom and robby day and so we went out to lunch alone and then off to wallmart. his stash of four pants and three sweat shirt cost $85.00. his shoes are falling apart and since we couldn't find size 14's (!!!!) there, we went to the local mall. i knew that i would probably have to pay as much for one pair of runners (i remember 5 years ago well) as i did for all the clothes.

we found some runners and they were having a sale at the store for 1/2 price for another pair, so i bought him two. then i saw his eyes light up when he saw a basketball suit. he didn't know that i saw him and he went off to look at the t-shirts. i went over and found that the suit (white, no less) was on sale for 1/2 off again (it was a really good sale) and that i could get this $200.00 suit for $100.00.

i grabbed it off the rack and gave it to the salesperson. robby was almost in tears. i couldn't decide if it was shame, thankfulness, or what it was. all along he was sad because i had to purchase these things. i, on the other hand, was having a great time! it is a joy to buy him anything because he appreciates it soo much.

i was kidding him about just being thankful because to not be would be to steal my joy and my blessing. we joked about it on and off all day.

well, the bill rang up to just over $300.00. The girl looked over at robby and she said ... i guess you'll have a lot of dish duty to do for this, huh?

robby, poked me and said, 'nope, i'm not going to steal my mom's joy.'

lol

when he was walking out of the store, he said he was going to go over to look at something in another store. the sales girl remarked how lucky he was.

i told her that when she has other mothers or fathers who complain about having to spend money on their kid's back to school clothing that she has permission to tell all about the mom who paid $300.00 with tears of gratefulness in her eyes because she had a son alive who could wear them.

i know it impacted upon her.

i pray that others will be blessed. i love to share the blessing of what i am living right now ... i sure wouldn't want anyone to steal the blessing that could be received from his story.

for all the stuff we're dealing with and all the uncertainty, i am reminded of the incredible honour it is to be the parent of any child. robby is giving me more joy than i can even begin to express just by being himself and being alive.

God is surely a good God.

corrected?

how does so much time go by and i do not have time to post on this thing? *sigh*

life is heating up here. nothing like what our dear neighbours to the south are living through, i cannot imagine how they are holding up in the south. thank God there are kind hearted souls who are rushing to their aid. from up here in canada all i can do is send some money and pray, pray, pray, but ... as my dear friend penni says, i digress ....

my precious son and his girlfriend are just so much fun to be around. i wish i had a picture to post of them but neither of us stick around long enough for the camera to be of any use! *wink*

edited ... i now have some pictures ...




i will not share the details of milly's trials because that is her story to tell, but ... she has moved in with us due to issues at her home which just could not be resolved. we have been trying for over two months to mediate and bring unity there, and unfortunately, it was not successful.

last night, this dear one moved into our home. i wish you could see the downstairs of our house and even more so, my precious husband's face! just imagine what an almost 18 year old girl would bring when she moves in! i don't have that much stuff myself at almost 50! bless her little heart.

so, with all the crisis going on, i kept calling it 'drama'. it sure seemed like that to me. i could write a soap opera on the stuff that has been going on in her family. finally, i got a little frustrated with robby because he has been very distracted by the goings on and told him that the 'drama had to stop' and he had to get his mind and his actions focused on his future. now is the time and milly's crisis will go on and on and on, so he may as well get some of his own life on the right track.

well, it was not well received. it was actually kind of funny to be bickering with my son. can you imagine? a mother saying that she enjoys bickering with her son?

i should have called penni before i started to talk with them because she understands this generation's language more than i do.

it was the 'drama'. you see, a drama queen is one who causes lots of trouble everywhere she goes and loves it. a girl who cannot have a normal life because it is not fun and she makes sure that everyone else's life is all wrapped up in her life so that she can feel worthy or needed or whatever. hmmmmmm.

he was not impressed i was using that term. hmmmmmm. is there any truth there?

i didn't mean it in an unkind manner at all. i love this girl like she is my own daughter. truth be told, she reminds me of me so much when i was that age. she has been living in the most impossible situation all of her life and deserves an opportunity to put her life on track and show the wonderful things God can do through her.

but i'm not supposed to call her a 'drama queen'. which i did not do, well, maybe once, but not with the nasty intention. funny. i love how he supports her and loves her. it's cute.

things are fine now. i apologized to her and explained my understanding of 'drama'. just stuff that doesn't end and is not fun, you know?

so .. what do i call the stuff that is going on in my house? is it drama? is it stuff? all i know is i went from a nice quiet home to a home full of kids and stuff and music and love. that part is so great. bill's not impressed, but he'll move over eventually and get used to it. maybe he's the drama queen??? it wouldn't be me???

lol.

on a lighter note

i had my sweet, little Jadzia over for the day. mama has started working nights and she spends the entire day with our little fireball so i offered to take her for the day so kelly could sleep.

she's such a fireball! we had so much fun. she'll be three in a little over a month, but she is the tiniest thing. i put her in the stroller and we walked down to the beach just a short walk from my home (lake ontario) there is a wonderful park for the kids and because the storm you see in my other post was brewing, there were few people there. we enjoyed that beautiful 'calm before the storm' time and played in the park for a little more than an hour.

what fun. i've promised to take her over tomorrow should the weather hold and i'll take some pictures of her running from one area of the park playground to the other. it is a great jungle gym and she made good use of it today!

well, i brought her back for her nap at 1:00 and needless to say, grandma's house is waaaaaaaaay too much fun to have a nap at so she ran around and terrorized me while i attempted to put together a new filing cabinet for the room i am going to be using as an office.

then we had THE STORM. that was way too much fun to sleep through. well, the little sweetheart finally crashed on the couch after her bath. i'm sure she has not moved for at least 2 hours now .. here's a picture ...


don't you just love digital cameras? we get such great shots sometimes!

we thought we were in the ark ...

we had an incredible storm today. the thunder lasted longer than i have ever heard it in my life! this is the water rushing down our driveway. thank God our house is about 8 inches above the ground, otherwise, we would have had very wet floors.

there were areas in toronto where the water was three feet high! wow.

what's going on??



i don't know how clearly you can see this, but it is a piggy bank that stands at least 5" high and it is well under water. this is at my front door!

mingling the seeds ...

We had a visiting pastor speak at our church today and he had quite an interesting Word for us ...

He based his sermon on Deuteronomy 22:9 "You shall not sow your vineyard with different kinds of seed, lest the yield of the seed which you have sown and the fruit of your vineyard be defiled."

this guy had us jumping all over the Bible to support his comments. i did not agree with everything he spoke on (a little unbalanced on the 'name it, claim it' side - there's nothing worse than one pastor commenting on another pastor's sermon, huh?) but i wanted to write about one part of the sermon that really impacted me.

when he talked about 'seed', he talked about it in relation to the Word of God, but also to our words. i've often taught that our words have life. they will either give birth to life or death in our lives and those around us.

Proverbs 4:22 Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.

Luke 6:45, Matthew 12:34 ... For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

He went on to talk about us speaking life and death over ourselves at the same time ... mingling our seeds ... and receiving the harvest of defiled fruit. When we speak 'i know God will heal me, i've been healed by the stripes of Christ' and when it takes longer for the healing to manifest itself, we say 'i wonder if the Lord is trying to teach me something from this illness' that we are in fact sowing different seeds into our lives. those of faith and those of unbelief.

theologians like to argue about this concept almost as much as they do election and predestination.

while i am not going to provide an answer to this, i want to share what the Lord showed me ...

this is profound because my husband and i have struggled with illness almost from the first of april this year. first me with gallbladder and torn ligaments in my ankle and then him with a serious enough back injury to put him off work longer than he has ever been in his 40+ year career.

we've wondered what we've done wrong. we've prayed. we've fasted. we've rebuked the enemy and infirmity. we've asked the Lord to show us what to do. but we have still been left to struggle through this illness and glorify the Lord as much as we could during the process.

i've always been impatient with people who will ask you how you feel and when you tell them the truth they say: 'no, you are healed by the Stripes of Jesus!'. i looked at the cast and felt the pain in my foot and wondered, 'well, where is it?' why would i want to lie when the truth is, i'm injured and in pain and to tell someone that i was healed would be a lie.

what the Lord showed me was ... from the moment that the illnesses started to manifest, even before they started to manifest ... the healing power of Christ on the Cross was manifest in our bodies and our lives. and since 'greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world' and since 'the very power which raised Christ from the dead lives within us' ... all we need to do is agree with the healing work of God and speak into it rather than not.

another way of saying it - according to our friend:
the facts are ... the ankle is sore and ligaments are torn.
the truth is ... the power of Christ is working in that ankle to bring it to complete healing ...

now that i can wrap my mouth around. that i can take into my heart and believe.

the challenge is to speak life into the situation or the illness like 'i thank You Lord that Your power is working in my ankle to bring it to complete healing! not 'i don't think this thing is healing, etc.'

it doesn't help me to explain to the precious couple who came to me this week asking why their ten day old baby died when they had been speaking these words of life and faith over her, but i guess that is another post, huh?

i'm not questioning my faith ... hear me ... i know the Lord is faithful and that He heals ... i received a complete physical healing from multiple sclerosis eight years ago! i just needed to look at it another way.

what do you think???

Oh how great is Thy goodness

Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! Psalm 31:19

He is a great, good God. i often kid with my friends or my clients that i should be a pile of ashes for all the things i think, say and do that the Lord has not judged me on. oh sure, we always reap what we sow. i am so thankful that He gives me time to 'think on what i am thinking' and to repent. if we were judged immediately, well ... as i say all the time ... i would be a pile of ashes from the lightening bolt.

but He is good.

He convicts
He waits
He listens
He forgives.

what a good God we serve.

ah, 'normal' life ..

i know, i've been scarce. after several emails and a phone call or two, i decided to come out of my funk and post something. i really have a good reason ...

i've been struggling for the last few weeks with fatigue and just plain overwork and stress.

having robby back home has been great, but it has been very tiring. he's moved in our back bedroom on the first floor of the house and has taken over the downstairs livingroom. it sounds like a big house, but it's really not ... we put a second floor on a sweet little cottage ten years ago but decided to make half of the upstairs floor another living room. bill and i have a huge bedroom, a large bathroom with a jacuzzi tub and the living room upstairs.

it's worked out quiet well.

robby now has his girlfriend and a few friends over - what a joy to have him around the house - and since we've moved some furniture around, i now have the computer upstairs. that's where i am now.

robby and his girlfriend, milly, have been struggling with some sort of flu the last week and guess who got it next? yup, me. *sigh*

so, i've come up from the couch and my migraine long enough to post this, and now i'm back to the couch and a movie. *sigh* i don't like being sick.

but ... this is my quiet time of year, so i do not have to see another client until tuesday night. i'll rest until then.

thanks friends for calling me out. i'll back back ... sometime ...

such love ...

the Lord has only given us twenty four hours in a day and i often wonder how i manage to overbook myself so much and seem to run short consistently.

today was one of those days. i didn't want it to end. six clients. one accountability partner who wanted to help in ministry. powerful anointing and powerful freedom.

i have the awesome honour of working full time in the Lord's ministry. somedays i end my days so overwhelmed that He would choose to use this cracked pot with which to pour out His love and healing upon others.

how can i ever begin to express how it feels to be so overtaken by the perfect, unconditional love of the Father for His children? we fall so short in our humanity to even begin to understand the height, depth, breadth or width of His love, but yet ... the Scriptures tell us we can!

Ephesians 3:17-21
17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.


Christ, dwelling in our hearts by faith ... when we are rooted and grounded in that love, we can comprehend it. the word translated 'comprehend' means to take eagerly, i.e. seize, possess, etc. oh how willing i am to 'take eagerly ... seize ... possess!!!

once we've had a taste of that love, nothing else will do. once i got a taste of that love, i wanted freedom to be able to express it to all i met. if only we all had it in abundance to express to a lost, frightened, lonely, thirsty world. the church buildings wouldn't be able to hold those coming for just a taste.

one of my current 'thankfuls'

Watering the plants ...

This is my precious Granddaughter, almost three. My daughter is such a good mommy, giving her all sorts of experiences ... they have such a good time together playing. The nightgown she is wearing is one that Kelly wore when she was the same age. It makes my heart sing to see Jadzia wearing it. Precious or what???

Kelly sent these to me. the cute thing is Jadzia in all her drama queen glory decided to water mommy!!





Just look at that face.

walking in mama's shoes?

i know i need to update things here. it has been so busy around my house ... bill is still off work, i'm working hard - lots of clients, and i've been spending a lot of time with Robby. as i type, he's crashed out on our pull out couch in the living room because he has agreed to come and do some gardening work for bill today.

so on to walking in mama's shoes ...

sunday night, robby and his girlfriend, milly, asked me to take them to church. robby had been to the lutheran church around the corner with the family he is living with. apparently the sermon had hit him between the eyes. powerful stuff.

Thank You Lord for using Your men and women of God to speak Your words of life to us.

so i pick them up and we try to decide which church to go to. my church does not have a sunday night service because we rent out our facilities to another church on sunday night. we have one on friday night instead. so we decide on a local pentecostal church because that is our background. we drive up ... can't believe it ... huge church, no service.

so we go to another local church ... no service. the kids insist, they must go to church. i remember a little church that a friend goes to. we stand outside the church so they can have a cigarette (old habits die hard) and the two of them are feeling very, very sick to their stomachs. thank You, Jesus, that they know enough not to let it stop them!

we go into the service. the music was great, the Spirit of God was evident. wonderful! i know several people there, it was a great time. the sermon was fantastic. i could see robby studying the pastor ...

as the pastor is closing the service, the Lord gives him a word, just for these two kids. he says

i know, by the Spirit of the Lord, that there are at least two people here who have very deep wounds in their hearts. they're wondering about how to serve the Lord. He wants you to know that He accepts you just the way you are. warts, mistakes, history and all. He only wants your heart.'

need i tell you what happened next? awesome. i cannot tell all of the rest of the story, because it is robby's to tell. but i know he will tell it one day.

what i will tell you is robby told me later ... 'i was studying the pastor because i was thinking there was no way i could ever do what he was doing. he was so good. but after what happened tonight, i know that i know that it is my purpose in life, that i must go to Bible College and be the youth pastor that God called me to several years ago.

Oh Lord. You are so faithful. Father, how can i thank You for allowing me to be present when he made this decision. how can i thank You for the mighty way You have kept him over the last five years?? You are an awesome God. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

Kelly and Robby

butchie, king of the street 


now that i have figured out ... hopefully for good ... how to use Picassa, i must post a picture of our Butchie, king of the street.

he sits under the trees and watches the neighbourhood from this great vantage point. we can see him from our dining room window and have giggled many times over this sight.

two of my favourite people

robby and jadzia, july 1, 2005 


today is Canada Day. it was awesome to pick up Robby and then Kelly and Jadzia and spend the day together. what fun we had! this picture is from us exploring the 'marsh' just south of our house. we live just a few streets north of lake ontario in what used to be Toronto's version of cottage country. now we're just part of the 'burbs.

kelly and robby told me about the paths they used to travel as kids and i was shocked that i had never travelled this area with them. twenty five years in the same neighbourhood and i'd never been there. we had such a great time treking through the trees and the bush. robby first, jadzia second, me and then kelly with the baby carriage.

i am so thankful for the up side of the roller coaster. today was one of those times. we're swinging high and low and fast, and even though it is so difficult, it is awesome to be together as a family again.

i know the Lord will carry us through this time.

clunk, clunk, splat

the sound that you hear is the fruit falling off my tree ... arrrrrrggggghghhhhhgghhgghg ....

the clunk is the undeveloped fruit...
the splat is the rotten fruit ...

stay tuned for an update when i dig myself out ...

update

sorry i've been so quiet lately. i've been struggling with some things that are happening in our home.

i have had almost no contact with robby since june 8th when i took him to court. i found out that he lied to me on an issue and i've had to separate myself to deal with my emotions.

my husband bill has been off work for two weeks (more time off than i have ever known him to take even after surgery) with what we thought was sciatica, but it turns out he has hurt a groin muscle which has pulled a vertebrae out and put his back muscles in spasm. the chiropractor says it is the most painful thing possible. bill's in agony. all of his weighbearing muscles are in spasm and they are pinching his sciatic nerve. unfortuantely, all he can do is lay on his stomach on the couch. he's on mega painkillers ... it's not fun at all.

i can't do much around the house because i still have a cast on my ankle. that's another story, but i don't have time nor the energy to get into it.

i ministered at a retreat last weekend and further injured the ankle by being on my feet for so long. *sigh*

so we're laying low. i'm driving him all over to doctor's appointments and trying to keep my client base up, so it doesn't leave much time for anything other than hanging on.

thank you so much for your continued prayers. i'll be back with gusto when this is all over.

through it all, God is Good!

we need your prayers

i know i've been quiet the last few days. it is because i am having trouble with my emotions. i do not know how to feel. *sigh* and the emotions i am feeling are not fun.

i need every prayer i can get. for peace, wisdom, discernment and direction. thank you to those who have been praying.

thank you to those who have called me at home or who have left messages.

thank you to those who have sent cards.

i feel like i am in the battle of my life. i feel like robby is in the battle of his life.

but ... God is good. all the tme. He will prove Himself faithful during this time. He has plans for robby ... to prosper him and give him a future. He holds robby (and me) in the palm of His hand and will work all things out for our good. we are called according to His purpose. we will overcome. we are the head and not the tail. God will draw him unto Himself. robby will serve the Lord. the blessing of a thousand generations is ours. greater is He who lives within us than he who is in the world. greater! mightier! faithful!

please friends, would you help me to keep my mind on the Lord? would you post a promise, a Scripture, a word? thanks for your love and support.

sigh

court today ... sigh.

i really do not want to venture into this lifestyle. he doesn't want to be in it anymore. sigh.

likes idleness and laziness??

i found this neat site on Penni's blog, who found it on Annie's blog.
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
http://www.martha2.blogspot.com
(i am so challenged on this net stuff ... note to self, set aside some time to research how to do those thingies!!)

other than being idle and lazy, it had me pegged right on.

You were born on a Friday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 6.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2436003.5.
The golden number for 1957 is 1.
The epact number for 1957 is -1.
The year 1957 was not a leap year.
As of 6/7/2005 6:24:19 AM CDTYou are 47 years old.
You are 576 months old.
You are 2,504 weeks old.
You are 17,525 days old.
You are 420,606 hours old.
You are 25,236,384 minutes old.
You are 1,514,183,059 seconds old.
There are 7 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 48 candles on it.
Those 48 candles produce 48 BTU's,
or 12,096 calories of heat
(that's only 12.0960 food Calories!) .
You can boil 5.49 US ounces of water
with that many candles.

Your birth tree is
Fig Tree, the Sensibility

Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, good sense of humour, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

There are 201 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.

The Life Path 6 indicates that very prominent in your nature is a strong sense of responsibility. You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support. This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on. While the 6 may assume huge responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.
The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others. Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others). The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern. The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.

Court ...

Tomorrow is Robby's court date.

i promised to go with him for support and to speak with his lawyer to see if there is anything i can do for him from my side. he could do all of his community service with our church, but he needs permission to be in Toronto as there is a restraining order on him. (very, very, long story)

oh, i am not cut out for this type of life. i can't believe how stressful it is ... he seems to be ready to let it all go, that is good, but we still have to go through the reaping business.

i guess that's why the Lord brought him back now.

oh, and i had a chance to speak with Nancy yesterday. i took Robby's clothes over and she was standing on the front yard with her boyfriend. he's a nice guy ... we had a nice talk. he's in the same sort of business (intake counsellor for a men's shelter) and we had a lot in common. the conversation was a touch strained between us - the first time in four years - but it went well.

when it was time to go, i thanked her (and very sincerely, from my heart) for all that she has done for Robby over the last few years. she was shocked. it was interesting to see the emotions pass over her face. that is not something you can fake and i truly meant it from the bottom of my heart. if you had told me that even two months ago i would have laughed, but God has brought such amazing healing in my heart.

i pray He does the same with hers.

so Robby and i are off to court tomorrow morning...

always a little brighter in the morning

as i re-read my post from late last night, i see how the enemy and my mama's flesh had me concentrating on the negative. having a sick, grumpy, and angry husband to come home to didn't help my mood when i had to leave robby at the donut shop with "dealers".

what i didn't share was the good stuff. the laughs. the many, many sweet memories we talked about. the Lord.

we talked a little about the Lord. he told me how he used t pray when he was in jail. in his own jargin, his relationship with a distant Lord he wants to know better but doesn't know how.

he's come to the right place. but that is going to take time and relationship. the last thing i wanted to do was preach to him, i just tried to do it with my life and my love for him.

i also didn't write how he didn't appear to want to leave last night, nor how he didn't want me to leave. how he came around my side of the car and gave me a big hug before he left. a big hug by a big guy in an old wrinkled suit. he looked so cute. still my little boy. i didn't catch it until this morning. i was so anxious to get back to Bill because he was so grumpy, i missed robby's invitation to stay at the donut shop.

he asked me if i would be willing to come back and drive them home later. what does that mean? he was not all that far from his house ... and ... there are buses. he just did not seem to want to let go. always this sense of something that is being left unsaid. always this sense that he does not want to leave me. that has been consistent since the first time i saw him last Tuesday.

maybe he is not as entrenched in this as i think? if he was going to get stoned last night, it would have to be a decision, not just something they all do. from all he talked about on the trip and for the last week, it's obvious he is stuck in that place between this lifestyle and change.

thank You Lord for the brightness of the morning and a good night's sleep. everything always looks brighter in the morning.

i also want to thank my friends for their continued prayers. i KNOW that i know that i know ... i would not be standing without them. yours coupled with the prayers of Jesus.

thank You Jesus, You are always interceeding for us all. please keep my precious boy and his girlfriend in Your mighty Hand and do not let harm fall upon them. thank You that You kept Your Hand upon him all these years and that Hand has brought him back to me. please keep this heart ... there is nowhere else i can be than hidden with You in God. nowhere else. only You have the words of eternal life.

now Lord, please anoint me to minister to the precious ones You have brought me today at the office. i am so tired in my soul and my body. as i align them under my spirit, hidden with You, may Your anointing and freedom and love flow through me as never before. You have given me an amazing job and ministry. please do not let anyone be hurt by my struggles today. thank You that You have always been faithful in this way ... You are truly an awesome God. how You keep it all together all the time is beyond my understanding. but i am so thankful it is You who is in control today. if it were me, the earth would stop spinning and everybody would fall off.

i commit this day to Your precious care. In Jesus' Name i pray. Amen.

Sad ... very, very sad

finally my emotions have caught up with me. this is long. i need to write it. *sigh* i knew this was going to come, but it has taken me by surprise.

this is going to be very long, i have a lot to write about, a lot of emotions to figure out.

i'm exhausted.

robby, amy, and i drove about 2 hours to another town to pick up some of robby's possessions. it was a great trip. we met with my dung friend (accountability/prayer partner and best friend) for lunch half way and had a great time. she has lived this whole ordeal with me step by painful step and has prayed for him probably more than anyone. although she has never been a mother, she has wept and rejoiced with me.

lunch was great. she sees the remorse and change.

then we went another hour and more to a small town in southern ontario to pick up his clothes. i realized how sad this whole mess has been. he told me a lot. amy said about ten words the entire time, she's shy around me. he was only there for two months. when he came back to toronto, he found out there was a warrant for his arrest. he turned himself in.

he told me about jail. about places he had been. about the house where he lived. *sob* the other family that he lived with. i always thought it was the girlfriend, her mother, i really didn't know the entire extent of what kept him there so long. until he told me it was the father. you see when i met them very early after he went there, the father and mother were separated. it seems he came back.

robby said that *kevin* was the only father he had ever known. it had been the father ... not the mother ... he was looking for. *sob* i honestly didn't know.

he told me about jail. how scared he was. he told me about crime. how powerful it made him feel. he told me about the drugs. how they make him feel better. *big long sob*

so we get to this run down house. he owed them money. they had all of his good clothes there. the drugs and crime paid off in nice clothes. i had given some money to him to give to them. it really wasn't much money. he got out of the car and stuck his head back in the car and asked if it was really ok with me. i said, if you owe, you pay. what you reap, you will sow and if you owe, you pay. we'll work it out together sometime.

so he goes into the house. amy and i stay by the car. he comes back with shirts and pants on hangers. meager load it was. not everything was there. the best of the clothes were long gone. he was so sorry. i just shook my head and said ... let's go.

so off we went. exhausted.

he had his hip hop playing on the radio (how do they listen to that stuff???) and i'm getting a headache. i'm driving without my cast (found out that driving with a cast is illegal) and my ankle is hurting. he's so tired. amy is quiet. he falls asleep. we fight toronto rush hour traffic.

i call bill.

he's home with the worst siatica he's ever had. almost crying on the phone. the doctor has told him he has to take a week off. oh, how i know how rough this next week is going to be. bill is more like a bearthan anything else when he is sick. we are at least four hours more than i expected. bill is mad i am so late.

i think i am going to cry but i am too tired to do so.

we come to my house. first time in five years. there is the suit robby wore to his grade eight graduation hanging in the closet. it was big, he was heavy, could it fit? i brought it out and sure enough it fit. beautifully. he tried it on in the driveway. the neighbours see him and run over to congratulate us. he looks so beautiful. amazing.

so we have the trunk open and he shows me this bag that has all of his "jail" letters in it. he leafs through, shows me a couple of pictures of the other family, letters, things. i realize there has been another life i have not been involved in. other people he called family. other people he called 'mom and dad'.

i don't even know how to share what i am feeling. hopeless. like i'll never get my son back. like i've lost so much. grief. maybe the grief i should have felt years ago. anger at him. anger at myself. anger. sadness.

i drop him and amy off at a coffee shop in the neighbouring town he lives in. as we're driving up, amy spies a young man who is a friend and climbs out. robby stays in the car. she comes back with a quarter wanting to know if she can call to "get some stuff" for this guy.

*sob*

will it ever end? will he ever get straight?

robby and i talk for a while. i'm going to go back home with his stuff in my trunk. he is going to come over after church on sunday. (he's going to the lutheran church up the road with nancy)

he gets out of the car. with the wrinkled suit on. i'm biting my tongue trying not to ask him to put his grubbies back on so that he doesn't ruin the suit when he gets stoned tonight. but i shut up.

i watch him walk up and shake the hand of the man (about 40!!!!!) who is obviously the dealer. i want to cry. he turns around and looks me straight in the eye. gives me a wink and a wave. doesn't even seem to care that his friends can see him doing so.

i want to cry.

truth has come out ... little bit by little bit of where he has been, what he has been doing and who he has been doing it with.

i want to cry.

in some ways it was easier before.

if you've read this far. thank you. i need to get it all out somewhere. once again i'm not sure how i feel. i just know i need my Lord more than ever before. i've got a huge pit in my stomach and i want to go back so badly to those times when i would nurse him as a baby, rocking in the rocking chair in his nursery, with kelly at my feet on the soft carpet reading a book out loud ... the monster at the end of this book - it became his favourite book and she now reads it to her precious daughter.

i want to put him down in his crib, sleeping, peaceful and safe.

and i cannot.

*sigh*

i can only place him in the hands of his Heavenly Father, along with my aching, broken heart ... and wait.

be still

know

He is God.

Beautiful Day!

it is incredible outside. the sun is shining, it's warm but not too hot, the flowers are blooming, the garden is alive with life. oh, these are my favourite days. and to top it off, i'm not working today.

robby and amy (his girlfriend) are coming with me to another town about an hour and a half away. i offered to take him to get some clothing and possessions he left there several months ago. i also offered t pay the storage costs. he is trying to apply for jobs without dress clothes. i believe that is where he was living when he was arrested. so, we're piling into the car and taking a nice drive out. we'll probably meet one of my best friends who lives out there for lunch.

prayers .... if you see this today ... are much appreciated. i'm going to try to talk to him about the Lord, but again, i need the Lord's discernment and wisdom as to how much to say. for the most part now, i've been doing nothing but listening.

Lord, oh, Lord Jesus, put a reign on my tongue today.

give me Your heart for robby and amy and let me be an instrument of Your grace and love to them. Lord, anoint this heart to hear You clearly during this time. I do not want to get in the middle of the work You are doing in their hearts and slow Your process down at all.

I come against, in the Mighty Name of Jesus, any forces of the enemy which might try to halt or hinder the plans and purposes for God's work today between us. you will not attack me with fear and prevent me from speaking the truth of God's Word and powerful Work to these precious ones of His. i cancel any assignments you have today.

Lord, thank You that there are ministering angels assigned to us today. I see them in my mind's eye hanging on to the car, leading, guiding and directing our day. Bless You Lord that You love us so much and never leave us nor forsake us. Bless You that there is an open communication through Your Spirit available at all times today. Be close to this mama's heart and guide my every word and movement I pray.

You are an awesome, awesome God. I worship and adore You and thank You for Your faithfulness in our lives ... i thank You that You choose to live within me! be blessed and honoured and glorified through me today. In Your Name i pray. Amen.

still do not know what to say or feel

it's been almost a week since i saw him. he is constantly on my mind and in my prayers. i do not know if i am happy, sad, nervous... it's like the Lord has a hold on my heart and i still cannot adequately express my emotions. i guess all of them.

i want so much to follow God's heart in this. all He's saying is ...

you guessed it ...

be still.

know.

I am God.

*sigh*

how many times has He dropped that truth into my heart in the last five years? how much this revving mama wants to just jump in there and fix everything? i realize even as i write that the lack of emotions (or better yet, reigned in ones) is the work of the Lord. He's holding me back.

*snicker* i just got a picture of me in overalls straining forward with my arms and legs flailing (is that a word?) and the wind blowing through my hair withGod holding me back by the straps. *snicker* you think i need to be held back??

*sigh*

i'm not adjusting to this new position very well. but the time spent in prayer is awesome these days. He's close. so close. thank You, Jesus!

The prodigal's return ... part two.

i do not know how to feel.

for five years my focus has been upon praying very specific prayers for Robby. i've prayed that the Lord would keep him safe, protect him, guide him, bring people into his life who would model Christ and finally in the last two years ... Lord, just get his heart. that's all that matters ... when You get his heart, everything else will fall into place. please, don't bring him home until then. i don't know how i would take it. also, please, prepare our hearts!"

since Robby has contacted me and we've had two very good and positive visits, i can only thank God that He has indeed turned Robby's heart ... that was my prayer after all and God would not have allowed this had it not been time.

now i find myself feeling an unusual lack of emotion. i know from my training that what i am feeling is most probably shock. it is not really a lack of emotion, i have this deep, gut level, abiding peace that i know from experience can only be Holy Spirit. He is carrying me ... your prayers are carrying me. all of my prayer focus - well at least a good part of it - now has to be redirected.

how do i pray for him now?

yes, i continue to pray the same things as above. but his needs are so different. he's looking at jail time. is this a good thing? from what he has shared, it was not a good experience for him. geee, that is the whole purpose, isn't it? he says that he is now considered a dangerous offender. ("don't ask mom. i've made a lot of mistakes") *sob* he says that he cannot stand the thought of returning to jail. oh Lord, keep his heart, strengthen him.

Lord, once again and in a completely different way, i commit to You this precious child that you gave to me 20 years ago. in my mind's eye, i still see him as a newborn ... looking very much like a puppy with his huge hands and feet and little body. we knew when he was born that he would be a big man and he certainly is.

i thank You for Robby. he is beautiful as ever and when i see him, i thank You that You give me the ability to see into his heart and to see the man that you are preparing to minister unto You. i do not see a criminal, i do not see a drug addict, i do not see a violent man, but i see my little boy with his precious mischeivous grin and his quick, sparkling eyes. i couldn't understand why until i remembered the awesome gift you give me with my clients ... how You told me You would give me the ability to see them through Your eyes.

how desperately and perfectly You love Your children, Lord. every one, no matter where they are in their journey and no matter how accomplished in ministry they are. You love them with a perfect love and i thank You for that ability and gift.

Lord, please anoint me to minister to my son in the capacity You have called me to and no more. Tie my hands where i might want to wipe away a perceived tear or make things all better like a mommy wants to do. give me disernment and wisdom to let You complete Your perfect work. if you have brought him back to me for this time and season in his life then You have a plan for me to minister to him in some way. please, let it be clear.

i love You Lord, and i thank You with everything i have for the incredible experience of this week ... to talk with and then see my son. hugging him once again was such an amazing experience and i think my heart needs a chance to catch up with my head. this is overwhelming and i don't even know how to feel.

please Lord, protect my heart. protect his heart. protect all of our hearts and lead us in the way everlasting for Your Name's Sake. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

today ... it is the day i have waited five years for

oh my goodness, i had lunch with Robby today!

he called me this morning and asked me what i was doing this afternoon. since my first client cancelled, i had a little bit of time so i dropped by his house and took him and his girlfriend out for lunch.

oh my goodness

my boy ... my boy.

it went really well. he is not as big as kelly said ... only [i]only[/i]6'4". he's beautiful tho even if he does have four tattoos and three earrings. he's still my little boy.

and he is so tired. everything that he said ... even when he was telling me the trouble his is and was in ... tells me how tired he is of the life he has chosen. he wants out. he wants to change.

*sigh*

i told the Lord that i didn't want to see him until He had his heart and although Robby did not say as much, i believe He has. He's so prime for getting straight. at least i think so.

i've been praying that the Lord would heighten my discernment meter and not allow the enemy to dull my senses or keep me in denial. but we had such a good time. his little girlfriend is really sweet, they seem to get along really well. she seems straight and a good kid and was very respectful with me.

i brought the camera with me but didn't take any pictures. i regret it right now, but i'll wait until sunday when we meet with Kelly.

when i dropped him back off at where he is staying we stood outside the car and talked. he didn't seem to want to let me go and every time i tried to go toward the car he would ask another question or say something else.

finally i took his face in my hands and looked deep into his eyes and said "thank you". he asked why and i said how thankful i was that he contacted me and came out for lunch and that i have missed him soooo much. his eyes filled up with tears.

so i asked him if i could have a hug and he opened his arms wide and said sure. i told him i loved him and he said i love you too mom.

*sob* *sniffle*

it was so difficult to leave.

since i left him i have had the most amazing peace that only God can give so deep in my heart. i'm grieved at the trouble he is in but so thankful that i believe God has captured his heart again and no matter what we have to go through in the future, it will be God's plan and He will keep Robby safe.

i'm so overwhelmed that our God is such a great God!

Hear Ye Hear Ye News News News!

i only have a moment to post and i'm already hours behind on my bedtime. it's almost midnight and my first client is at 10:00 tomorrow morning, last at 9:00. *sigh*

so much has happened ...
not the least is ...
drum roll ...

ROBERT CALLED YESTERDAY MORNING ... TWICE!
ROBERT CALLED THIS MORNING ... TWICE!
WE'RE HAVING LUNCH ON SUNDAY!

Happy dance,thunk (that's the crutch and cast) happy dance, thunk, happy dance, thunk, happy dance, thunk.

i'll talk to you later when i have settled down and get a moment to spend at the computer.

more drama

i had an endoscopy/gastroscopy yesterday and thankGod it showed nothing more than an infection and some inflamation. the doctor, who i was quite impressed with ... chose to take a look around that way before he chose to take the gallbladder. he was 99% sure that it was an infection in the gallbladder because the symptoms had subsided. he was right and my gallbladder is happy for it.

as for the ankle ... after the surgery i was wheeled over to the fracture clinic to the ortho surgeon on staff. he took one look at the ankle and shook his head. it should have been casted 6 weeks ago ... i should have gone back before this. so .. i was fitted with $175.00 worth of cast to immobilize the ankle for four weeks and then they'll take a look to see if i need surgery. ack. no wonder it was hurting so much, the dratted thing was disloacating and reinjuring with every step.

oh well.

the cast is one of those foam filled, air pocket things that weighs a ton. it's quite a sight, but at least with the ankle still, i'm not in as much pain ... now i'm just sore because i can move around a little more.

so i go to the hairdresser to get my nails done and my hair coloured. the technician gave my one foot a beautiful pedicure because there is so much attention on that part of my anatomy. i thought it was cute. and it's a pretty colour too...

Monday

I did the most lazy thing this morning. Is that an oxymoron? I did ... lazy thing? lol.

I stayed in my PJ's and snoozed on the couch until 2:00 this afternoon! Oh my. This little workaholic actually rested! lol.

Seriously, I've been so tired the last few days with my ankle being so sore. Actually, I did great damage to it again yesterday. I was sitting here at the computer and Bill had dinner going on the stove. (I am one very, very blessed woman to have such a great cook and all around great man for a husband)

I can hear the potatos boiling ... and it sounds like there is little water in the pot. Bill is no where to be seen or heard. (He was out in the garden). So I get out of the chair and decide that I can easily walk the 20 feet to the stove without my crutch.

Right. Well, I could walk, but the foot didn't. I got up and over on the side went the ankle. It looks like I keep disloacating it or something. So now I am walking around - after 6 weeks - with the stupid thing bruised and sore again. I tried to walk down the stairs this morning and - same thing again - it hurts like it did when I first sprained it.

I hate to sound like I am whining. Where is my cheese?

It's kind of cute, but a little frustrating as well. As soon as the hospital and the specialist's office saw that I had the big "D.R." in front of my name, guess what they did? They arranged for me to go to the fracture clinic at the hospital after my surgery on Wednesday to be seen by the top ortho surgeon. With less than a week's notice?!! They did this so I would not have to work my schedule around another day as they understand how busy I must be.

I'm glad, but am frustrated because of all of the other people in Canada who are not getting that sort of medical care. It is sad how our "free" medical care works.

In the hospital for the morning and out in the afternoon after general anesthetic.
You cannot go home unattended and cannot be alone for 24 hours.
Call us if something goes wrong.
Call us if something goes wrong?

*sigh*

I will be glad to see this sick thing over. I don't have time to be sick.

*moan* where is that cheese?

demoninational differences

no, it is not a spelling error. i do mean demoninations! i'm glad this is a little out of the way blog and that few people read it because i have some things i need to say. it is not out of offense, although through this medium, it could be taken this way easily, so let me get that out of the way. it is out of grief. sheer, deep, grief.

my dear friend, martha2, who is a precious sister in the Lord, posted a comment about denominational differences. her question was ... does it make a difference? since we attend two different churches with quite vastly different doctrinal beliefs, i can understand her question. these differences cause such great division in the body of Christ. these differences cause such sadness to my heart.

would we have become friends if we were limited to our demoninations? hers believes that i am not saved ... some in mine believe she is not saved. both suggest that either are not "in the fullness of Christ". ack what's with this? "how this must grieve Daddy" as my friend anne says so often.

it sure grieves the Spirit of Daddy in me.

John 17:21 That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I
in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou
hast sent me.

Psalm 133:1 A Song of degrees of David. Behold, how good and how
pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

Ephesians 4:3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of
peace.

i have failed so much at this. a comment was made today that truly cut me to the quick and i responded in a manner i should not have ...

i read it three times ... on the original poster's blog, on pennis, and on another's.

I just cringe when denominational lines are blurred and we act as if
the Eucharist is the same every where. Its not, and I feel like we turn Jesus's
sacrifice into a Triscuit.

if i understand the writer correctly, and from other posts she made i believe i have ... the context was that 'other denominations' (read into this, non Catholic) reduce the work of Jesus on the cross into a triscuit in Communion because 'they' (remember that faceless 'they' of my earlier post?) refuse to believe that the elements become the body and blood of Christ.

pardon me while i step outside to have a small, short rant. arghghghhghg, sob ... sorry, the flesh got in there.

how can this be? how can an experience of "do this in remembrance of me" be reduced to a triscuit when the 'doer' is truly thanking the Lord Jesus for His work on the Cross and loving Him with all of their lives and their hearts? why such fighting?

someone in one of the other threads made a point during her response to the ensuing discussion (to call it a discussion would be polite) of stating she has a Masters in Theology. she was trying to point out that she has studied the Bible and if she has a Masters, she has ... of that i fully understand. but, we all study the Bible from our own theology and that of our demonination ...

Well, i have her beat ... i have a doctorate and am working on a second Ph.D. in theology/psychology. i have visions of Paul outlining his credentials and how useless they are in the work of Christ. (Philippians 3 always makes me giggle at our pride) does that make me better than her, more educated, more understanding in the mystery of Christ, the Church? Nope, but what it says about both of us is that we have devoted our lives, energy, strength, love, heart and soul to His work. and with maturity - another excellent point i think she made, the division will not be the guiding factor in any relationship, but the fact that Christ died for the other person and none of us have it all down. (I apologize, i cannot remember her name at this moment and i'm so challenged in this blogging stuff yet)

i guess the point is ... i wish we could all play nicely and love each other as Christ called us to love each other. i've got so many spots and wrinkles (hence my blog name) that i need to have pressed and bleached out of me ... it is not my job to try to iron them out of others. that's Holy Spirit's job! and He does a far better job of that than i ever could.

and even though i am a college professor, my purpose is to teach those who come to me, not chase them down and bonk them over the head with what i believe is 'their' faulty doctrine/theology.

sigh.

all of this from a woman who has the nerve to be ordained. (that's me) and that's another ost that would cause a real 'discussion' if i were to open that one up. maybe that's the root of my grief and sadness. my heart aches at the lines and boundaries and division people place around the work of God. He's so much bigger than gender, race, history, pharisees.

world, LET HIM OUT OF HIS BOX, you cannot box Him into your piddly little idea of what He should be or what we should be following Him. or how we should follow Him. He made the rules.

ok, i am now off the pulpit - or soapbox for those of you who think i should only be cleaning the pulpit. sigh. how this grieves my heart.

my ankle

i'm still on crutches. as i went to see the doctor to get pre-admission forms filled out for a minor procedure next wednesday ... the gallbladder is finally going to go 'bye-bye' ... my dear doctor asked me about the crutch. i saw him a few days after i had injured it and he was questioning why i was still using the crutch.

he examined it and said ... oh, it should have been casted right away, this is a more severe sprain. ack. now i have to see an orthopedic surgeon as it appears that the ligament was either torn right through or almost.

the continual bruisng on my foot suggests that i am damaging it again with every step i take. i wondered why it was still hurting so badly. i cannot walk around the garden without the crutch ... i was wondering why my ankle was so unstable! it appears that it is dislocating anew with every unstable step.

hmmmmm.

you think the Lord is trying to tell me to rest?

well, we'll see when i see the specialist this next week. they initially booked me an appointment on the same day as my surgery, so unless the specialist is in the hospital, i'll have to go on another day.

oh the trials and tribulations of carolyn.

you think this will be part of the 'dash'? see below.

and life goes on

i cannot believe it has been five days!

my best friend's mother died this week. she had a heart attack last friday and we buried her this friday. another funeral. almost the same anniversary as my own dear mother's death. my precious friend, anne, is struggling so much with this. it has really taken her by surprise and i have spent almost all of my free time the last week being with her and helping her through this.

the funeral was interesting.

Sr. Pastor and i went together to the church ... amazing RC ceremony, i just LOVE the liturgy .. and to the cemetery. she was 87 and now there were very few people left to go to her funeral. what a small group we were standing in the cold wind around the coffin and committing her to her resting place.

interesting ... the emotions.

many other funerals remembered. tears shed for a woman i barely knew and for a woman i love as much as i ever could love a sister and a friend.

from where dear josephine is buried, if you just turn and look over the hill, you will see where my dear mother was buried, 13 years ago, almost to the day. we buried her the monday after mother's day. sigh.

there i was, standing .. well attempting to stand on my crutch ...

wondering ... what is it in the dash. you know the one, between birth and death. josephine macdonald. april 18, 19.. - may 10, 2005. that dash. it represented her life, her children, her joys, her sorrows, her failures, her successes. and on the gravestone, it is only a dash. i wondered about the person who would chisel that dash. does he ever wonder what it represented?

what will mine represent? what will yours represent?

i asked pastor if he would mind driving me over to my mom's grave. there we hobbled on the soft ground, the trip well worth the additional damage to my ankle (more on that later) to stand at the grave.

more of my family is represented in that plot than i have contact with right now.

uncle = 1942
grandfather = 1972
grandmother = 1985
brother = 1987
mother = 1992
aunt = 2002

i didn't even realize that my aunt had been buried there a few years ago. no one told me she had died.

all those dashes. pastor didn't know any of them, but i sure did. memories flooded my mind. sweet ones, sad ones ...

oh Lord, please take these remaining days, no matter how long and make them matter for you.

On Call Chaplains

I have just taken the position of an on call chaplain for one of the local hospitals. they ask all of the area pastors to volunteer one night a month to be on call from 5:00 pm until 8:00 am to deal with emergencies and impending death when the chaplaincy staff are off. so today we had our quarterly lunch and catch up time.

what a hoot we had.

there are many denominations - actually, religions - represented in the group of about 20 or so. only the Christian ones were present at this meeting, which is quite unusual, but it allowed us a rare time to share without being concerned about using the "J" word. it's funny how the precious Name of Jesus is such a stumbling block to some.

well, there was this one pastor - actually an Anglican Priest. what a hoot. he was one of the funniest men i have ever met. he had us all in stitches the entire time we were there.

i was sitting there thinking how awesome it was to sit around a table with such a precious group of men and women who are called in ministry and who love Jesus so much. it's a rare thing for me and i really enjoyed the time.

so my first on call is may 31st. i go at about 5:00 and get to go all over the hospital and visit and pray for people or the staff who need it ... then i go home at about 10:00 understanding that i could be called back if there is an emergency.

what an honour. sometimes i want to pinch myself when i think of all the great opportunities the Lord is bringing my way. after years and years and years of ministry, it's so neat to be doing this full time and getting paid for it. i love it. i am really one blessed lady.

Mother's Day 2005

This is number five without Robert. Funny, it's 10:38 and he hasn't called. i guess he will not. Three weeks ago he leaves his business card in my screen door. i thought for sure by now i would have been in contact.

sigh. this waiting is almost worse than it was when i didn't know were he was!

today i sang a song at church ... He's My Son. i think i posted the words to it somewhere back in the earlier part of this blog. i sang it for my little Cleansing Stream group several weeks ago when we were discussing the consecrating or 'commiting everything to God' section.

have i had experience in that area! ack. sigh.

great
big
sigh

sometimes it is so tough being a mom.

one of my best friends called and left a message on my answering machine this morning. actually, by 8:00 am, i had three messages on my answering machine and none from my kids. three precious friends who know how difficult this day can be just called to say they loved me and they would be praying for me today. especially since i was singing. one precious woman said i am such a precious friend, i must have been a wonderful mother. not to let this get me down.

you see i am not a singer. usually, i try not to belt out in praise and worship because i can be a little flat. but not when i am singing 'robert's song'. it never ceases to amaze me how God anoints me to sing.

not a dry eye in the house.

one of the rough and tough guys at church came up to me and quietly took me aside. he said, 'i never cry, but i shed many tears while you were singing. i could hear your mama's broken heart singing. i pray he shows up very, very soon.'

this is the attitude i came home from church with. he did not call .. but ... one day soon. very, very soon.

it is a bittersweet day. let me tell you about the sweet, you've already heard about the bitter.

i did have dinner with my precious Kelly and Jadzia. they took me out to a great restaurant. oh my, you cannot imagine how i felt when that little sweetie, Jadzia came through the doors of the restaurant and caught my eye! she jumped up and screamed at the top of her lungs

'GRANDMA!!'

sob
tears

she ran around in circles and then jumped into my arms with her precious little arms out and a big kiss for me. this is at only two and a half. what a doll. later we went over to wallymart to pick up some craft supplies, etc., and every time they turned a corner or i was out of her sight, Jadzia would yell 'grandma! where are you, grandma!' then Kelly chimes in. it's so cute, people all over are giggling at this tiny little sweetheart. she steals everyone's heart.

my heart swells and it bursts with love for these two precious girls of mine.

another sweet part? precious Bill. My darling man. he had my customary fuscia basket for me. kelly started this tradition ten years ago. every mother's day i get a fuscia basket for the garden ... not just any ... they have to be that soft pink and white. what a sweet man he is. he came to church and stood up and clapped the loudest and burst his buttons. he never complains when i spend hours away from home and said ... go off with kelly and have dinner, i'll see you when you get home. we only have two meals a week together and he sacrificed one for me today. he's a real treasure this man. a true gift from the Lord.

so, a bitter day ... a sweet day. when you think about it, i've had all of the experience of a mom and a wife today.

Never take Dristan when ...

you have a full case load of clients to counsel today.

What a day. whew.

i've been fighting a bit of a cold or sumpin. so saturday morning i decide to take a dristan (no offense intended to the company who produces it). what i didn't know was that my body does not like dristan. either that or i was not coming down with a cold but was having my physical chain yanked because i was going to sing in church on sunday. doh.

i pick up my first client ... i know, not supposed to do that, but it's a long story and i am a Christian after all ... and we get to my office. i've got them booked really tight so we get right to work. well, about fifteen minutes into our session the room starts to buzz and spin. oh no. i'm stoned. i'm having a reaction to the dristan.

*i'm shaking my head in grief*

this dear young man had to drive my car with me in it to go to my second client's house around the corner ... i know, don't tell me, see above. we decide that it might be a good idea for me to go through mcdonald's and get something to eat. i had forgotten i was fasting, i guess that doesn't help much when you're taking cold meds.

we get something to eat. i can barely stand in the restaurant. i'm still on crutches ... good thing, i probably would have crawled into the place without them.

so my second client gets to the office and we decide this would be a really good time to have something to eat and just have a visit. we put on some great soaking music and just yakked. didn't help my accounts receivable much, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

well .. so far i have not betrayed professional ethics other than to shine the light upon what is sometimes the silly story of my life.

where God really comes into this is with my third client. who came in while i was still trying to recover. the really cool part about it was ... i was trying to get my second and my third clients together as one can really help the other through a tough time. it has been awesome how God has brought it together and they just couldn't coordinate a meeting. But ... God did it for them. i sat - stoned all the while - and watched these two precious women talk. what an honour. i cannot and will not share the details, but marvel at how God knows it all.

even the fact that i took that stupid pill. it was that stupid pill that allowed these two women to finally meet and God's purpose for them meeting to be fulfilled.

i'm happy to report that by the time clients four, five, and six came along, i was somewhat sober again ... well, mostly ... and was able to pick up the therapist hat once again and do my job. actually, four was quite happy as it was their first session with me and they were concerned that the Christian therapist would be a little ... well ... pious and stiff. *snort* not me at the best - or is that worst - of time.

isn't our God something? i'm so thankful to be used of Him even if it does completely destroy whatever pride i've got left over. hmmmppphhhhhh ... He's a good God.

Information on Soaking

Instead of me trying to put this together myself, I ran to the TACF website and found this article by John Arnott. Good stuff ... enjoy. It's worth the read ..

Is ‘Soaking’ in the Bible?
This is what the Bible has to say (NKJV):

Psalm 23:1-3 - "The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul ..."

Psalm 131:2 - "Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."

Psalm 4:4 - "Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still."

Psalm 37:7 - "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him."

Matthew 11:28-30 - "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Hebrews 4:9-11 - "There remains therefore a rest for the people of God. For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His. Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest."

Isaiah 40:29-31 - "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Psalm 27:14 - "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!"

Proverbs 1:33 - "But whoever listens to Me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil."

Luke 10:39 - "And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word."

Hosea 2:14 - "Therefore, behold, I will allure her. I will bring her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her"

What is soaking?
During previous revivals people referred to it as "waiting on the Lord" or "tarrying" as they lingered expecting God’s revival blessings. Although "soaking" includes waiting on the Lord, in this present move of the Spirit it means much more than that. To "soak" in God’s presence is to rest in His love rather than to "strive" in prayer. As the person receiving a touch from God begins to connect with the reality of the Holy Spirit’s presence, he often responds by falling or simply lying on the floor. As he rests expectantly in God’s presence, often the Holy Spirit hovers over the person to reveal more of God’s love and to renew and repair areas of a person’s life. As the believer soaks in God’s presence, the Lord takes control and begins to draw his attention to God’s word either in the scriptures or through internal audible impressions or pictures he sees in his mind’s eye.

Carol likes to compare soaking to making pickles. A few years ago, I found a classical Greek word study on the Greek words bapto, meaning to dip, and baptidzo, meaning to immerse. The article used the illustration of making pickles. The recipe called for the raw fruit to be dipped in boiling water to blanch or sterilize the cucumber, using the word bapto, which means "to dip in and out quickly." Then it called for the cucumber to be immersed, using the word baptidzo, and soaked in the brine and the pickling solution for several weeks.

What happens during this soaking time is that the marinade or the pickling solution soaks deep into the flesh of the cucumber until it takes on the flavor of the pickling solution so that it no longer tastes like a raw cucumber.

This is what we mean by soaking. May you be so marinated in the presence of the Holy Spirit, soaking in the River of God, that you no longer "taste" like your old, raw nature any longer, but you have taken on the flavor of the Holy Spirit. "Pickle us, Lord, in the marinade of the Holy Spirit. Soak us in your wonderful presence until we become more and more like you."

Why do I need to soak?
There is a deep need in every one of us to be close to God. Experiencing God is something to be sought after and not avoided. While we base our theology on God’s Word, our experiences with God make it all come alive. The Bible is a book of experiences of men and women of God throughout history, whose lives were changed through divine encounter. Your life will be changed as well as you encounter Him.

Where can I soak?
At the local church in Toronto, they conclude every meeting with a time of soaking prayer. People stand for prayer on the prayer lines and the ministry team will come and minister to them, praying such things as "Lord, come and give them more of your presence; more of Your love." They may stand there or often rest in the Spirit as they fall in God’s presence. Because of the many people who experience this phenomenon in the meetings, every prayer team member is assigned a "catcher" to assist the person receiving prayer by standing behind them as the prayer team member prays for him. This allows the person receiving prayer to relax and be less anxious about what might happen if he falls.

Soaking prayer is something that you can also do in your own home. You can be alone, or just with your spouse or children, or you can invite several friends over who can take turns praying for one another. Steve Long, one of the local pastors at TACF, was one of the first on staff in Toronto to begin soaking at home by himself. He would put on a CD, lie down on the floor and let the intimate worship draw him into a beautiful refreshing time with the Lord.

Jeff Metzger, a pastor from Akron Ohio, was one of the first to have group "soaking prayer" going on in his home, and he’s been doing it for over seven years. People are free to come and go as they please, yet they are encouraged to enter quietly, lie down on the floor and experience a restful revitalizing time with the Lord. Many changed lives have resulted from attending the soaking times at Jeff’s home. Recently I met a man from Germany who started inviting friends over to his house just to soak in the presence of God. He has been doing it for years, because he couldn’t find a church near him that was flowing in the River.

How do I soak?
Although you don’t have to lie down, you may sit in a chair or lie on your bed, the main thing is to be in a safe place so you can be vulnerable. Set your affection on Jesus. You might like to soak while listening to intimate worship music with meaningful words that quiet your soul and help you draw near to God. As you reflect on the cross and all that Jesus has lovingly purchased for you, begin confessing your sins to Him and longing to be close to Him. After a few moments, you will become aware of the Holy Spirit’s unseen presence. People experience Him in many ways: a weight upon your body, an electric tingling upon your hands or face, or a warm sensation of love going through your heart which connects you to Him. This is how you grow to love anyone, by a series of several encounters that bond you together. It is not only a rational process; your heart must be engaged.

Experiencing God’s presence is what will cause you to love the Lord with all your heart and soul. (Matthew 22:37) Humble yourself before Him. Give all your worries and cares to the Lord talking to Him about them. Pray a prayer like this. "Lord Jesus, I invite You to come and search my heart. Come close and let me know your love." Let worship rise up inside you and give yourself to the Lord. If you become distracted, then re-focus on Jesus. Remind yourself why you are soaking and listen to the worship music.

Can I trust that it is the Holy Spirit working?
Yes you can. Remember, everything we receive from God we receive by faith. Faith must be positive and focused on God. (Not negative and fearful, focused on the enemy.) Jesus said in Luke 11:11-13, "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" The key is intimacy. It is not a program to be run and managed, but a relationship to be maintained.

How long do I continue soaking?
It usually takes about fifteen minutes to quiet the business of life and enter into rest. But Jesus is the Lord of the Sabbath, and He wants you to enter into His rest. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy and peace, so we need to take quality time with Him. You cannot force or hurry this. The idea is not to "get" something but to "be" with someone. Take time just to be with Him; to love Him and let Him love you. If you fall asleep, that’s OK. If you are interrupted, you can always come back for more. You will know when your time is finished. You will feel a satisfaction in your heart and a release to go and get on with life.

Occasionally people can become quite emotional during soaking prayer. God may want to touch deep places in the heart. There are often areas of past wounding where we are very reluctant to go. That is often the very place that the Lord wants you to revisit so that He can bring freedom and healing to areas of fear and pain. It is helpful to have friends and even experienced ministry people in the room so they can love you through this and help reassure you to go ahead in faith in order to, so as to bring closure to these areas.

Time ..

I had quite a laugh with my Senior Pastor yesterday. I don't know if I even posted it here, but almost a month ago, I tore ligaments in my right ankle. it has been a frustrating journey because all it has done is slowed me down. i know the Lord has been calling me to rest ... this has been the vehicle He has used to do so.

So .. back to my laugh. I was coming into the office yesterday for a full load of clients to be followed by Cleansing Stream and then by a visiting Pastor. (wowzers, that is another post, her message on The Cross was amazing! Look for further info on Cathy Ciamitaro's book. amazing)

Sooooo ... back to my laugh time two. I am coming into the office, crutch in hand. I have my purse, my briefcase, my coffee, the cream and treats for Cleansing Stream and I'm trying to balance them all because i do not want to go back down the stairs to the car and make a second load.

in order to get through the door, i have to place them all down on the floor and open it. then i dropped the cream so i attempted to prompt it through the door with the bum foot ... need i tell you what that did to the foot? i'm whining, and whimpering and not so pastorly sort of cursing (you know, of course that Pastors do not curse!) i was just asking the Lord for angelic help to assist me through the consequences of my not so smart choices.

pastor hears me from his office and laughs at me from his computer. i hobble over to my office, put everything down again, muddle through my janitor's stash of keys (you know, home, three offices,k two churches, ... etc., etc.) and finally manage to get my office open. i throw my briefcase, purse, cell, coffee cream, treats, etc. on my desk and proceed to his office.

clunk, clunk, clunk.

here she comes ....

he looks up and motions me to the chair infront of his desk and gives me that look that only those who know him really well know. you know .. even though he is almost 10 years younger than i am, it is that Father's look of ... well, Carolyn, you did it to yourself.

so .... i proceed to tell him that i am not impressed that God did not give me an extra hand and an extra leg and an extra at least six hours in my day. afterall ...

we just about fell off the chairs in laughter.

Lord, You're trying to teach me to be a better steward of everything You've given to me. Thank You that You gave me what You did. Please teach me to better organize my time and my energy. There needs to be a balance and I know You're trying with everything I have to show me, but I'm squacking and mummbling and whining and whimpering too much to hear You.

Now is a really good place to insert *soaking*, but I've run out of time. tee hee. That's what I am going to do. *soak* in His presence for the strength, discernment, strategy and peace I need ... I'll talk to you later.

Soaking

I can't believe I have lived outside of Toronto all these years and I haven't had time to spend a week at the Toronto Blessing ... http://www.tacf.org

That's why I haven't been around for the last week ... wow.

I spent the entire time doing *carpet time* or *soaking*. Oh my, I'm undone.

Now I know why I couldn't get satisfied in my time with the Lord. It seemed that no matter how much time I spent in prayer and worship, Bible reading or teaching, I was still starving for the presence of God. I couldn't understand it. I asked the Lord to show me why and He seemed silent.

What I didn't realize was that He had answered me, I just didn't know it yet. He had told me to go to this retreat/conference months ago and I was awaiting it with great anticipation. I didn't realize that it was to be an answer to so many prayers.

More on this later .... dinner calls ...