Bride Without Spot

90/10

2009-11-09T11:14:00.002-05:00

My, a lot of new things to share. *sigh* Sometimes I think I could write a soap opera, but then again, lots of other people go through stinky things in their lives.

I asked the Lord to iron out the wrinkles in my life which keep me from shining for the Lord. Ha....

It doesn't matter really what has happened ... it is my reaction which is the important thing. I don't know where I read it so I cannot give credit to the author, but I read "Life is 10% what happens to you; and 90% how you react to it."

The 10% I can whine about, the 90% I want to succeed at.

The Crisis of Disaster, The Crisis of Delay

2008-09-02T12:12:00.004-04:00

I cannot claim this title as it was from the sermon of our visiting Pastor. This is a precious man in his late 70's/early 80's ... he is our gift during the interim period of waiting for our new senior pastor.

What struck me was the content of his sermon. It is in essence the thesis of a book I am writing and a sermon topic I love to preach on as well. It concentrates on that period of time between fear and faith.

You know ... when something happens ... like awaiting Gustav this weekend ... our first flesh response seems to be fear. Fear is a good thing ... it is an emotion given to us by God for a very specific and useful purpose.

Why?

Fear was given to us to cause us to see our inability and to run to His ability.

Let me say that again in full Pastor voice ...

Fear was gven to us ... by God ... to cause us to see our inability ... and to run to His ability.

Our precious Pastor did not go this way with his sermon, and it was a wonderful word full of faithand hope. But God wanted me to concentrate on this one concept. I end up doing a lot of that these days as I attempt to write this book I've been trying to write ...

I want to add something else to it though ... The Crisis of Faith

Think of the last time you felt fear.

A storm;
A near car accident;
Your child was late;
You couldn't find your precious kitten;
You got that diagnosis of cancer.

What happens? You take in a deep breath ... no doubt to prepare your body to run. You go numb as all of your blood is now moved to your head for clear thinking ... then to your heart to prepare you to run and that is all you want to do. This is a normal, healthy, and fantastic response built into our bodies by our Heavenly Father to strengthen us to take flight from an enemy or danger.

That is the same as a stress response or a panic/anxiety attack. However, there usually is not a flesh and blood - or wind and rain - enemy for us to run from these days. The enemy is usually ourselves or the voice of fear ... straight from the pit of hell, but that's another sermon. *grin*

So to whom to we run?
Our spouse? Our best friend? Our Pastor? A therapist?
All those are good places to run as there is wisdom in a multitude of counsellors.

However ...

all of these people need to run with us to the foot of the Father ...

It is there that we will find peace and rest. It is only in faith that the Lord has come, has died, has risen and sits at the right Hand of the Father that we can find the peace and rest. He is always interceeding for us; working things out for our good; preparing; knowing and working his good plans for our lives.

It is such a short journey, but yet such a long one for most of us ... myself included and that's why I spend so much time on this topic ... because we generally take a "Family Circus" type journey from the crisis to the Christ.

That is the crisis of disaster. But what about the crisis of delay? What about when we run to the Father, feeling that we are safe, and yet the wind and the rain continue and the enemy continues to growl in our ear? What about the time it takes from the accident to the healing? That's where the faith comes in big time, isn't it? That's where we press into Christ again .. and again ... and again ... and again until we feel we cannot press in any further . a.n.d. we are concerned that our faith was misplaced.

Ah, the crisis of delay often takes us to the crisis of faith.

Jarius, The woman with the issue of Blood, Peter, John, the rest of the Disciples, the Mary's, Debra, Esther, Moses, Abraham, Sarah, the list goes on. They all had that moment of the crisis of faith.

It is there that the roots are dug deep into the olive branch, the vine ... the Christ. It is there that we find Him.

P.U.S.H. Look up the story ... Pray Until Something Happens. We find Him in the Prayer.

He is good. He is faithful. He is love. He is Peace and Rest for your soul and mine.

Amen.

ahhhh, this is the life.

2008-08-31T15:34:00.002-04:00

Meet the furfamily!!

Coco Chanel ... part Siamese, the sweetest cat ... so loving.

Meet Austin ... a HUGE Main Coon ... a gentle giant.

Meet Butch. He is our oldest cat - almost 17 and daddy wakes him up to take pictures of him with the plants. Something about to check the size of the bloom.

This is her favourite pose ... I wish I could sleep like her.

The Beauty of Nature

2008-08-30T20:52:00.003-04:00

Labour Day ...

2008-08-30T19:29:00.005-04:00

Where did this summer go?

It was so wet for so much of it, seems that we have only been able to enjoy the sun for a few weeks and already the kids are back at school.

Did I tell you that we won "Best Perennial Garden" in our community last year? The Community Association came today to bring Bill's plaque. Oh, I wish you could have been there to see his face! Such pride! He has been so unwell for the last two years, I think he had lost some of his pride in gardening ... and how the Lord has returned to him that delight! He is not well enough at this point to work a lot, but it still looks lovely ...

And now we're looking at the last few weeks to enjoy the warmth and the beauty of pink flowers ... sigh ....

The changing of the seasons - especially from summer to fall - always bring about a certain melancholy for me. Maybe it is getting older and not being so much in the summer of my life but looking at the fall, maybe my bones preferring the warmer weather and longer days ... but this year I am wishing for a longer summer. Maybe the fall with be warm.

The long, lazy days of sitting on the swing in the garden, enjoying my coffee and my devotions with the Lord in the morning on the wicker set watching the birds and the breeze flowing through the plants and with Butchie the cat at my side. There is something so peaceful and sweet about that time of the day. Usually I sit after I've had my morning walk, a new routine I've had to impart upon because of advancing age *grin* and a greater need for dexterity and exercise. It's a sweet time I will miss over the winter.

In Kentucky??

2008-08-27T10:18:00.002-04:00

I drove home from the church last night and was struck with the inevitable grief that I could not call Steph and meet her for a tea. I determined to send her an email and tell her that I was thinking of her.

Upon returning home and logging into the computer, I found a message from her ... they had stopped in Kentucky for the night. God sure knows what we need when we need it. *smile*

We continue to pray for her safety.

The fulfillment of prophecy!

2008-08-25T22:33:00.004-04:00

Bill and I were given prophecy over three years ago that we would be spiritual parents to certain young people. We were told that these would come, be mentored and loved, would leave ... some would return, others would embark upon God's plan for their lives and not return. At the time we had no idea how this could have been possible as we had little contact with our own children, none of them at the time in church.

Stephanie blew into our lives just a mere year and a bit ago, stole the heart of my son, stole our hearts, scared him half to death to the point where he ran away! She was a little too close to his calling as a Pastor. We are thankful that she did not run away from us. She became a huge part of our lives, attended church with us, shared many Sunday dinners, blessed us continually with her amazing Spirit. Even though Bill and I have grown children of our own, whom we love with all of our hearts, Steph was our first Spritual daughter together.

During the last year she has embarked upon a journey with the Lord which has taken her from drinking in a bar to receiving ministry at Cleansing Stream, finishing a College diploma in Child and Youth Worker, and now she is travelling all by herself to Georgia (USA) to go to Bible College.

This journey started with a prophet who visited our church on the very first service Stephanie attended. It was her first time in church in a long time. Well, Pastor Zack called her out of the congregation and spoke words over her life that were only from the Lord. My son was also present ... one of the few times we were able to get him to church. The same prophet spoke a powerful word over him as well.

In a little over a year, all prophecies have been fufilled for Steph. Then, earlier this year, another Pastor visited, this time from a Bible College in Georgia. No doubting, no wondering, this was God's call for her life, and she was in the right place at the right time.

Thanks to my son bringing her into our lives. Isn't that awesome!???

I have rarely seen God move so quickly in another person's life and we had the honour of loving and caring for her as spiritual parents. Her own parents do not attend their Catholic church regularly and had no concept of the spiritual journey Steph was travelling. They are awesome parents and have stood by her ... as of tomorrow morning they will be taking the 12 hour drive to the College with them. An amazing answer to prayer and one that Steph would have thought impossible a year ago.

She believes that she will one day marry my son. I know that the Lord showed me that she was the answer to the prayer I have prayed since he was a tiny child ... to bless and care for his future wife. We do not know how this will happen, but we're also glad that it is not up to us to make it happen.

So, we released her tonight. She came for a visit and we sat and prayed over her, cried, and rejoiced in what God is doing in her life.

What awesome honour it is to be part of another person's life and to have had the opportunity to pour into her life and pray with her as God unfolded what He wanted for her. It is very humbling.

And very, very exciting.

Thank You Lord, may You and only You be glorified in Stephanie's life. Thank You for brining her into our lives and allowing us the precious times that we spent together. We release her Lord into Your mighty Hand and trust You to bring her back when the time is right. Bless her, Lord. Strengthen her, build her, mess her up and put her back together again. I ask that You anoint us to minister to her from afar and to be the support in prayer and love that she deserves and more. I pray that You go before her every step of this journey and anoint her to do all that You have called her to do. May the journey be only as difficult as it needs to be to stretch her, but I intercede for her that the time spent away will be fulfilling and exciting as only You can orchestrate. May her days be filled with God Breezes. As you form her into the image of Christ, may she be blessed as much as she is a blessing and more. I thank You for the plans You have for her. In the Precious Name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

Grandkid ;)

2008-08-22T11:56:00.002-04:00

Here she is ... our most recent pic. This was taken New Year's Eve on our way out to celebrate by doing a light tour! Here is her school picture:

Tests updates

2008-08-22T11:44:00.002-04:00

We had a difficult time getting Bill through to the hospital for a scan of his stomach. First the order was "lost" between our MD and the surgeon - not once but twice - then he finally made it in to see the surgeon and he was going on vacation for a week. *sigh* The OR was closed to elective proceedures so we had to wait a week for that. The surgeon referred us to another one to get it done through emergency and he dropped the ball and booked us for the first day the OR opened again. *ack*

Then the next surgeon only looked at the stomach through the scope and not into the duodenum, which is where the thickening is. He came out to tell us that there is significant ulceration *eek* and that Bill must have been in some serious pain! *yup*

When I asked about the tumour he looked at me with a blank stare. We shared the results of the other tests - ultrasound, CT, etc. - and he left us there to get a copy of the former tests.
An hour later this dear man comes back to say that he should have looked, but now that Bill is out, he cannot put him under anethestic again so we have to wait for a few months to have another scope.

The thickening could be from old gallbladder surgery 30 years ago and made worse by the kidney removal last year or it could be a return of the cancer. They're not sure.

And we have to wait another couple of months.

*eek*

*sigh*

We are thankful to have the ulcerations diagnosed because Bill has had some pretty severe pain and now he can add some more medication to his cocktail to ease that pain.

I find myself so tired these days and I do not want to whine, but I guess that is what this place is for, if only I read it. I need to press into the Lord even further than before for His strength because it can be so difficult to pour out to clients and church members without having my own batteries recharged.

I'm thinking of going away for a few days to a Catholic retreat center very close to my home and see if some quiet prayer and meditation away from the phones and the temptation to clean or paint will lift my mood.

You know, through it all, God is so very faithful. Thank you for the two faithful friends who dropped in here almost as soon as I posted ... you two are dear, sweet women and I thank you for your sweet comments.

*hugs*

I'm baaaackkkkk

2008-08-08T14:25:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe it has been a year since I posted, but when I think of what we've been through in that year, I can understand why.

Dear Bill, my husband, was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his right kidney removed late April last year. It was a terribly difficult year for us as he recovered. Now, we are faced with another tumour - this time in the duodenum - and another long slew of medical tests and who knows what else. Unfortunately, kidney cancer does not respond well to chemo and radiation, so we're not sure what the future brings.

A lot of other things going on - kids are all ok - so is grandkid :) - and mama (aka meeee) is trudging along faithfully working and praying ...

In short,

God is good.

Sweet Ride

2007-04-03T11:02:00.000-04:00

TA DA

This is my new Sweet Ride.

I was no longer allowed to write off my Hyundai Elantra on my income tax because it is too old. So, I had a problem. I needed to lease another vehicle. So ...
DS says ... Let me research a new vehicle, Mom.

Look what I ended up with!!!!

I interrupt this program ...

2007-04-02T22:22:00.000-04:00

Blessed are the humble in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.

Sometimes the Lord shows me interesting things and I spend weeks working it through in my mind and with my clients.

The latest is with a 22 year old who is struggling with his pride following a recent relationship breakup. Out of my mouth comes the statement that the greatest strength is found in humility. Since it was out and his face registered disbelief, I had to elaborate with the anointing of the Lord, because I wasn't sure what I was saying anyway.

Ever have that happen??

I wish the Lord would fill me in on His thoughts in advance.

In a nutshell ... when we are humble before all around us, it is not a position of weakness, rather it is a position of strength. Because, with that place of humility, comes the death of our pride. And with the death of our pride, comes the strength to withstand any onslaught of those who wish to hurt our pride.

Humility is the emptying out of the flesh, crucifying it, and walking in the Spirit. It is always the Lord's desire to bring us into the likeness of His Son. Stripping off the flesh is an ongoing very painful process, but oh, how worth it when we step a little further into the Spirit.

Christ, Himself, did it. He is our example. He left His heavenly home and took on this flesh in order to conquer it and all its appetites. Pride being the most difficult at all. It is a condition of the heart, and one He does not want us to walk in.

But humility takes us to a place where we can truly see the Kingdom of God with all the love and power and glory. Where we look at others through the eyes of God and see their worth and value to Him and ultimately to Him. It is from that place that we are able to truly love ... and be loved ...

sigh

Sounds good.

Easier said than done.

Carry on...

Palm Sunday

2007-04-01T17:45:00.000-04:00

I was thinking this morning about the liturgical passion week from my former Lutheran church and how much I missed it.

Lent, the fasting and praying
The looking within
Palm Sunday and the procession of the palms
Maundy Thursday and the seder meal with the washing of feet ... and the stripping of the altar, all of us leaving in silence and prayer.
Good Friday Service ... solemn and quiet. ... the procession out to the back yard of the church which is up on a hill and can been seen for many miles. There we always erected three crude crosses ...
Easter Sunday sunrise service
The celebration and the looking for the Allelujah banner.

I miss that.

This morning I walked into my beloved Pentecostal church to be greeted with palm branches (!!!!!) and a wonderful service with an incredible sermon. I had missed the mid week Pastoral meeting because I was so busy with the funeral and the parents. What a blessing.

I don't know if it is the fasting or the place I am right now, but the Lord is showing me things that are His heart in a precious new way.

I am so thankful for Stephanie and Robby. That the Lord's promises and blessings and love - all are new every morning.

Challenges continue

2007-04-01T17:17:00.000-04:00

Last friday evening ... March 23 ... I was the oncall Chaplain for the local hospital. It was a very long day and I was just settling down to change into my jammies and drink a cup of camomile ... having forgotten my commitment. Within half an hour of my last client, I got a call from the hospita asking me to come in for a death.

Half an hour later I was faced with 40 something parents who had just lost their 10 month old baby boy.

This is not something there are easy answers for.

I stumbled through the next 3 hours ... not knowing what to say, what to do. I felt I was in the way, but stayed close to them anyway.

Praying over the baby
Committing him to the Lord
Praying over the parents
Praying with their sister
Praying .. praying ... praying.

I went home that morning, feeling that I had been of little use because I didn't have many words to say at all. I just sat there, looking at them. Staying with them when the coroner came in to look at the baby, while the detectives came to talk to them (standard proceedure in our area) ... walking to their car...

I finally went home and slept for a few hours and then did what any self respecting pastor would do given this circumstance:

Pray ...

Question my call
Pray

And then I picked up a paintbrush and painted the livingroom, diningroom and kitchen. Steph helped me ... see previous post for good news!!!!

Later in the week, I got a call from the local funeral parlour. The director wanted to know if I was willing to take the funeral for this little boy. The parents had been so comforted by my presence at the hospital.

Whew ..

Thank You Jesus!

So I embarked upon one of the most difficult and yet fulfilling weeks of my life.

I couldn't understand why the Lord had me start a fast just four days before this death. I assumed that it was for my husband ... but quickly realized it was for this family. As of this date ... 2 weeks later ... I am still fasting, but that's another story.

I started writing the sermon. There are few places on the net with instructions for pastors in this case. Several for a baby dying in birth, but few for one who dies at around the year mark. I talked with every pastor I knew well and none of them had ever been there ... each one prayed ... but each one said there is no way you can come through this and not be impacted.

I sat at the computer. And quaked.

God just took over and He produced a lovely work for them.

Stephanie sang as the casket was being brought in and again at the cemetery when we released what seemed like a hundred balloons into the air. The stayed around for the longest time, little bright coloured dots in the air... very moving.

*sigh*

I found during this week, the very thing God created for me to do ... brought the comfort I had been looking for. That in the death of a precious child, I found the life I had been searching for ... and the purpose of life ... to comfort others.

I need to keep writing ... sharing ... praising God!!

Good news ...

2007-04-01T17:26:00.000-04:00

Robert is engaged!!

He started dating an old friend a while ago. They have been spending a lot of time together as friends and have really been having a good time. I liked her from the moment I met her.

Robby came to me a week ago and asked if there is any way that one can know that "this is the one" so quickly and with such security? Oh yes, we can.

She is the sweetest girl! You can easily see it from the picture. I've never seen Robby so happy and so content.

The best part ... she is a Christian! And a lovely one at that. She loves the Lord so much. What a blessing.

Last week, we painted the new condo - well, the Kitchen, Livingroom and diningroom. We had a great time and really got to know each other. We had Christian music playing - quite load - and found we like the same artists. We were singing ... well, I was really very, very blessed. She bought me a present - and a card thanking me for welcoming her into the family with open arms.

I couldn't do anything else.

For all the dark times and the concern I have had for Robby and his future ... and for the many prayers ... God is really returning with joy.

Out of the dark place

2007-02-26T15:51:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe it has been three months since I last posted. It has been a difficult three months for sure.

My precious husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer. We have to wait until Wednesday to find out how serious it is, we are praying for a miracle. We did pray over him at church yesterday and I am going to stand on faith that God's will will be done.

We are still not in the same house; he does not see the severity of the mould and continues to live there inspite of the obvious damage it has done to his endocrine system. We do, however, spend Saturday nights together and yesterday he came back to church after a few month's absence. We are truly seeing answers to prayer there.

I finally had to submit to some antidepressant medication. It appears that the mould and resulting illness left my system so stressed that I fell into a fairly deep clinical depression. I have counselled many people who have been depressed, but had no idea as to the possible depth of how bad it could get. It is a very, very, very dark place. I cannot imagine those who refuse the medication as for me it was an almost instant improvement with the second one. From that point on, it has been a steady climb up and out of that pit.

My ministry is going very well. The Lord continues to provide enough clients to keep me busy but not enough to hire another therapist. I'm wondering what His next step for me is, but since He has chosen not to include me in on His plans, I must wait until He opens a door for me.

Robert is also doing well. He has reduced his course load at the College and is working hard on learning what he is enrolled in. It seems that five courses were too much for him last semester and we needed to give him a bit of a break. I keep forgetting that he is not me and that he needs to move at his own pace. God has been very, very faithful to us.

My regret is that I did not continue to journal during the dark times. It would have been interesting to read the upward progression. Oh well.

God is still good. All the time.

Out of the dark place

2007-02-26T15:51:00.001-05:00

Out of the dark place

2007-02-26T15:51:00.000-05:00

Retreat number 22 ...

2006-11-26T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have been on the ministry team of Cleansing Stream Ministries Canada for 10 years. This awesome ministry has become part of my very soul during this time. It was at a Cleansing Stream retreat that I received my healing from Multiple Sclerosis (see March 2005 for a picture) in May of 1998.

This past weekend was retreat number twenty two for me ...

It was the most amazing experience, the best retreat EVER, although everyone laughs at me because I say that every retreat. But it is true, the retreats become better and better for me. Easier, more healing, and they bring me closer to the Lord than I could have ever imagined.

God has blessed me with increasing responsibility and servitude at these retreats over the years. For the last few years, I have been training the on-line ministry team and have had the honour of seeing and participating in the Lord's work of healing the church thousands of times. Often I have been asked to present some of the topics ...

I found out this Wednesday, two days before retreat, that the Lord wanted me to present on the spirit of Death. *eek*

I had initially requested to be freed of all responsibilities at the church which were voluntary and had barely been able to keep up with my pastoral counselling duties. This has been a very dark and trying few months for me.

One of the ministry staff contacted me early last week. She had been seeing my in therapy for a serious and painful issue which has plagued her for many years and we had been making good, but slow and painful progress. She asked me if she should still serve at retreat given the "mess she is in". Of course, I told her that the work on "the line" is the Lord's and not hers and that when she was so weak emotionally that the Lord could show Himself in a powerful way as strong in her life and to bring healing in to other's lives.

Great Pastoral response, right?

Well ... the Great Pastor gave me the same one.

I couldn't believe I was considering not going to retreat!

Our Canadian Director is my senior Pastor and he always seeks the Lord as to who does what at Retreat. I immediately called him and told him that I would do whatever the Lord wanted. Well, my usual responsibilities were what the Lord wanted.

Imagine my surprise when I was asked to speak on Death? *smile*

I had intimate understanding of how that stinker affects one!

Need I tell you how I am feeling today after ministering on my feet from Thursday night until Saturday night with about 8 hours sleep in the three days?

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is Good .... more tomorrow.

The Keeping Power of God

2006-11-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

As I slowly start to dig myself out of this dark place, I am so aware of the Keeping Power of God. He has been here through it all. Sometimes He is as quiet as a whisper, sometimes He bellows through the screaming of my soul to tell me He is here.

How I long to be baqck in the place of peace and rest, but I realize that it is a short lived place sometimes, when the Lord has more refining work to do in my life. He's had that iron out and the bleach taste is still in my mouth, but I know without a doubt that He is working in and through me for my own good. And those of my clients.

None of my clients have this address, I don't know how they would react to the inner squacking of my spirit ... I have been overwhelmed at the anointing and wisdom that comes out of this woman's mouth when someone comes in pain trusting that I can lead them out of their wilderness. Many can see I am in my own, but isn't it awesome that God can minister to them in and through mine???? It is awe inspiring.

I often cry out ... how come You don't break through mine, LORD??!!! ... and He tells me ... Be still, Child. I am still God.

sigh

He is good.

As dark as it gets, there are awesome rays of Sonshine that break through. He is always behind the clouds and we need those clouds to bring the right conditions for the soaking rain of God to refresh.

I'm waiting, Lord.

I think I felt a drop ....

The Power of Attitude

2006-11-04T12:57:00.000-05:00

From Deadly Emotionsby Dr. Don Colbert - excellent book!

I recently read a short essay on attitude by Charles Swindoll. He wrote:

"Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me."

Don Colbert goes on to say:

"All deadly emotions, to some extent, derive from our attitudes. And attitudes are something we can control.

You can choose how you will think and feel about any circumstance, event, or relationship in your life. You can choose to a very great extent how you deal with grief, resentment, bitterness, shame, jealousy, guilt, fear, worry, depression, anger, hostility, and all other emotional situations that readily trigger physical responses.

The first step you need to take toward health is to reflect upon your own attitudes. Own up to the attitudes you have. Ask yourself, "Is this the way I want to think and believe?""

Good words.

Jadzia's 4th Birthday

2006-10-29T20:04:00.000-05:00

I can feel the prayers!

2006-10-27T08:34:00.000-04:00

First, friends, I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and I encourage you to please keep them up! I can feel them - the Lord is very, sweetly, close - and I'm improving every day.

It has been a nutty week with lots of news.

First, Robby decided to end his relationship with Milly. Although I am happy for Robby because I wasn't sure that she was going in the same direction that God was calling Robby, I miss her. She caused a great deal of drama around here, but also, great joy with her outgoing personality.

He has made his room his own and is a very, very neat young man! It's a delight to have him so conscious of the state of the apartment, it looks lovely! I wish I knew how to post pictures from my cell phone, I'll have to ask him today to help me. He is also doing very well at school, although he has been home with me this week, so he's missed a few classes.

Second, and I am so thankful Milly was here when it happened, I had a seizure on Tuesday morning. After a day in the hospital, it appears that I had a reaction to antidepressant medication the doctor prescribed due to the stress I've been under. He thought it would help with the physical fatigue, and it has helped with the daily grind of trying to keep going when I'm so tired, but when we increased it to a "therapetic dose", I had a seizure. So, back to the drawing board in my quest for health.

After the seizure I spent an unusual two days in bed and saw a full caseload of clients out of the house yesterday - success. The Lord really anointed and it was a good day in the counselling office. I have taken the week off from teaching at the College. I have been told that the entire College is praying for me during every class - so praise God for answered prayer!!! Today I have three clients at my home and they are easy ones, so it is good.

As for the financial situation ... not so good at this point. I have enough in the bank for rent on the first, but that is it. I've only received $300.00 more than the rent this month in income - and I work the equivalent of almost five times that in hours, but the insurance company I work with has not released my funds yet. I'm angry and frustrated, but thankful there is enough to cover my expenses. Talk about pulling the belt in a little tighter, but we're not starving so I know the Lord will release all of the money when the time is right.

Oh, and remember I said I was praying for clients who would pay cash? Three old paying clients and three new paying clients have made contact with me. Isn't God good? *shaking head and sighing*

As for Bill ... well, that's going a little better, but I've paid a price for it. He made dinner for me last week - at the house - and we have been able to at least reconcile our relationship to the point where we are dating. That is a good thing, but since I refuse to go to the house and he refuses to go to a restaurant, or to my new house, I'm not sure where we will go from here. He's not well physically and doesn't see the connection with the mould (yes, Canadians spell it with a 'u' - lol), we're still fighting that battle.

Thanks for your prayers, my friends. I cannot thank you enough. The story isn't over, but the Lord is close and He is so good ... I can do all things through Him ... He is my strength.

Still feeling very fragile

2006-10-14T11:53:00.000-04:00

I didn't want this blog to be an update on my struggles so much as my victories. It seems that I have been having way more struggles than victories yesterday and my old Word of Faith teaching is leaving hard and screaming all the way.

Robby told me that when he was praying for me a few days ago the Lord showed him that I would think things were going to only get better when we moved, but that it wasn't the case. I have to admit that I thought there would be a lot more emotional and physical release when we moved, but it has proved untrue.

It looks like my body is detoxing from the mould, etc., in the house. I am so tired and achey, it is frustrating. I am normally a very high functioning and busy person and do not deal well with not having enough energy to do everything I need to do ... especially when I am the majority breadwinner and it is difficult for me to work feeling this way.

The Lord has been so good. He has consistently brought new clients my way which is a relief, but for the last three weeks, I have only been able to see half of my client load. That means half of my income. Unfortuantely, it will not show up fully until around Christmas from the receipts from the insurance company. I'm praying that the Lord will bring more cash paying clients around that time to cover the expenses.

The Lord did provide work for Robert at the College so he can work off his tuition. I met the College President in the hall on Friday and he told me how happy he is with Robby's work! Yeah, God! Good work, Rob!

Now I can be paid for my work at the College because I was going to apply that to his tuition. That is a good God in the works, isn't it?

Things are going well with us at the new home, although Milly is not feeling well right now. As we speak they are off to the doctor, something about her not taking her pills properly and her system is out of whack. Prayers appreciated there!

She's matured a lot. They have been keeping their room very clean, it's nice to see a bed made and the laundry all up to date. It really is nice.

Bill and I have been talking on the phone every day and he has been asking me to come to the house for the night. Unfortuantely, I don't want to give up all of the detoxing I have done to go back to the house for any length of time. It's just not worth it to me and I think he is finally starting to understand by my consistent refusal to go near the house.

But I miss him so much. I don't miss the constant discussions about money at all, but we seem to be able to date very well. It's sad when we love each other so much but cannot live together in peace. Very sad.

Well, thanks for reading. I'll try to be more forthcoming for those who are worrried and I thank you for your calls and emails. I know I have been very scarce, which is out of character for my outgoing personality, but I need desperately to get my health back.

Blessings, my friends.

Teaching

2006-10-05T11:48:00.000-04:00

I am teaching three courses this semester at the College:
Introduction to Pscyhology I
Psychology of Counselling I (yes, that is two 'L's ... the Canadian Way)
Psychology of Christian Life I

The two first are undergraduate and the bare introduction - usually a very difficult course to teach because the amount of material is vast and the basics can be very, very boring. The third is a Doctorate course and one that I have been left to develop completely on my own. I'm loving that!

The textbooks for the last course are "Master Potter" by Jill Austin and "Intimate Friendship with God" by Joy Dawson. Both excellent books by awesome women of God. Not that I am adverse to books or material written by men, gracious no, but these two women have written material that takes me straight to the Heart of God.

It is a delight to teach from this material.

The first book is written by a woman who is a potter. She uses her experience and the Word of God where one of the allegories of God is as a potter and us as the clay. Our most recent class was discussing the time in a Christian's life where he or she is put on the shelf to 'cure' so to speak, often early in their relationship with the Lord. But often, the Lord places us on the shelf again at another point in our production to cure. Maybe after a beautiful glaze has been applied, or a design. And we may cry because we are not being used as the instrument we once were. We do not see the finished product, or what the Lord is planning for us.

I was bemoaning my recent putting on the shelf by the Lord. This placing was bugging me because I have so much to do in ministry and I have been so ill that I have been unable to concentrate enough to even think about preaching a sermon. I went so far as to ask the senior Pastor to give me a few months off from my responsibilities of teaching and preaching until I was in a better place physically and emotionally. I have continued my counselling practice within the church - albeit barely - and have been able to sit in the congregation and just receive during the services. It's been a sweet time in some ways, and frustrating in others because there is so much I want to do.

Yet, the Lord showed me this week that there is beauty in that time of shelving. And I have been preaching ... three times a week in class. He has been giving me revelation and anointing for these students in a way that is truly incredible. Even my son - who is in my classes *clapping* - is amazed at the transformation.

It is when your family sees the anointing of God on you ....

Lord, why do I not have that anointing at home? All the time? I so long to walk in a way that is pure, holy, a testimony to the Love of God every moment of my life, but alas, I am but clay. An empty pot without the Lord.

He is doing something so deep in my life right now. Even my thoughts are open and bare before Him and He is showing me some that are *sigh* not very pretty at all. It is almost like there is a Holy Spirit Spotlight on my mind at all times. It is most uncomfortable, I must tell you.

But it is cleansing too.

It amazes me how He uses whatever is in our lives to continually cleanse us, bring us closer to His heart and from Glory to Glory to Glory ... for His Glory.

He's so good, friends. He is so very good. And faithful.

Even when He has the iron and the bleach in His Hand. (or the potter's shelf)