Bride Without Spot

rats ... sick again

2010-01-12T15:43:00.002-05:00

I wondered why Coco was all over me yesterday. She wouldn't stray from my side and as I stuck to the couch, she stuck to my side. I was tired, but didn't really think I was sick.

Today ... different story. Woke up with horrible headache, stomach ache, body ache. *sigh* I see the doctor tomorrow so I'll have to start looking again at my sinuses. Maybe it is time to have the surgery that I postponed last year.

I really hate being sick ...

Social and School

2010-01-12T15:37:00.002-05:00

January 12, 2010
Grandma’s Prayers from:
Grandma, I Need Your Prayers
Quin Sherrer, Ruthanne Garlock

Lord I pray for he protection of my grandchildren in the classroom, on the playground, on the school bus, in the carpool. Watch over their coming and going, and watch over them while they are on campus. Give them discernment and wisdom, and help them keep alert to danger. I pray for the right friends to come into their lives at the proper time. Give them godly, like-minded friends, and may they be a good influence on one another. Help my grandchildren to apply themselves well in their studies and to use the talents You have given them to their full potential. Lord, I pray their lives will always glorify You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Today we pray for their social life and their studies. Jadzia is in grade 2 - she's very good at school, loves to read and enjoys her time there. I'm glad to pray for her to have good friends and to be aware and alert to danger.

Joshua is only 2 1/2 months old. But it is never too early to pray for these things.

Imagine all the things they will need to face in the coming years ... how differen this world is from the world I grew up in.

Grandma's prayers

2010-01-11T12:52:00.002-05:00

This is another thing that I have started doing.

I want to bless the families of my children - and my grandchildren. It is so important that they all are blessed and I have an unique opportunity and responsibility to pray for them.

Today's thought is about the home they live in ...

I want to bless the marriages of both of my children. Kelly and Derrick; Robert and Amanda. They have made choices in a mate and those choices fulfill their needs. Being a mother-in-law is a joke in our society, but my true prayer is that they would all be happy - and more than anything, that they would all know Christ - because only He can bring true, lasting peace into their homes. But that relationship is between Him and them. I trust Him to fulfill His side of the equation.

January 11, 2009
Grandma’s Prayers from:
Grandma, I Need Your Prayers
Quin Sherrer, Ruthanne Garlock

Lord, I pray for peace in the environment in which my grandchildren are reared. May it be a home filled with Your love and be a neighbourhood that is safe. I pray You will give their parents and those who care for them the wisdom and understanding to nurture them. Also provide them positive role models who will be godly examples. Thank You for the gift of these precious children. Amen.

amen.

On to other happy things - Jadzia!!

2010-01-11T12:46:00.003-05:00

Jadzia is now 7 years old! She spent four days with me over New Years - I picked her up on New Years Eve (Thursday) and returned her home after church on Sunday. We had a good, good time.

We had our usual trip to Walmart - Carolyn doesn't go too far without getting something there ... she was in a very bouncy mood and I wanted to keep track of her so I put her in the shopping cart. I was told afterward that it is not the safest thing to do, and I will not do it again, but it was sooo fun and no one was hurt.

She is so much like me - a nut - and we can find laughter and fun in just about the simplest things to do ... just look at that face!! She is and continues to be a joy to me.

December 13, 2009 - I first met him

2010-01-11T12:34:00.004-05:00

Now, that is the face of one very happy Grandma. I got to meet him. He is a beautiful baby - very sweet. Robert and Amanda have been consistent and faithful with visits - I've been able to feed him and all those things that Grandmas take joy in.

I praise God for His answers to prayer .... we prayed so hard. How I wish I had blogged about those prayer meetings! Darlene, Rob, Sandra, Dwayne and I stormed the gates of Heaven to see this (and other events in their lives) to come to pass.

I believe that the turnaround was due to our God being faithful to prayer. We just do not know what goes on in the heavenlies when prayer warriors come together in prayer - specific prayer.

God gets all the glory!

Shortly after ...

2010-01-11T12:27:00.004-05:00

My first mistake? Maybe, I don't really know. I've searched my heart long and hard about this and wish that I had blogged about it during the process as I tried to do when Robert was missing all those years ago.

Robert and I are too close.

Amanda sensed it - and rightly so, she wanted some space between us. Or so I assume. The short of it is, I didn't see them from after the wedding - July 12 - until December 13.

Joshua was born October 23rd.

Words cannot express the pain of being left out of his birth and the first few weeks of his life. He was seven weeks old when I saw him first - but so much better than not seeing him at all ... There were friends who emailed me these pics before I had a chance to meet him.

Robert is now married.

2010-01-11T12:13:00.006-05:00

He met Amanda in December of 2008 and by the end of January she was pregnant. He was delighted - he has always wanted a family.

You can imagine my surprise?

I like Amanda. She is a very pretty girl, as you will see. She has had her share of difficult times in her life, I believe they brought her and Robert together. But good looks isn't all that life is about - I've learned that lesson very well - but that's another post for another day.

They were married in Cuba at a resort my best friend and I go to often. Out of all the "stuff" that has happened in the last few years, Darlene (and her family) has been a bright spot. She took on the job of my scheduling and is amazing at it. Because of that, we both need a break regularly from the stress of psychotherapy private practice. Our trips to Cuba to rest and "debrief" have kept me sane for the most part.

We shared our resort with them, and Sirenis La Salina in Varadero put on a fantastic wedding ...

I had the honour of leading the ceremony - there is nothing sweeter than being that close to such a special time in their lives.

In typical Robert style - with all his tough exterior, he cried through the whole ceremony. <3

Remember my Prodigal - Robert?

2010-01-11T12:05:00.003-05:00

He returned home in 2005 - just showed up and came back into our lives and turned it completely upside down as he turned our lives upside down when he left.

Over my years of counselling, I've learned a lot about temperaments - especially using the Meyers Briggs Typeology. Robert's temperament is the strongest ... which usually means he will be a leader, strong, independent, etc. Well, that he is. I love this boy so dearly that there is not much he can do wrong in my eyes. That's not good. He has been able to manipulate me and get away with so much over the years.

I think of my daughter, Kelly. She couldn't be more different. She's calm, dependable, sweet, compassionate, a fantastic mother and wife. She has done "all of the right things" in life. She's been a stabilizing force over the years - basically unchanging and dependable. I love and respect her with all of my heart.

Robert, well, he's Robert. There is no one else in the world like him. As is common with his type of personality, he marches to his own drum - and that has cost me a great deal of money over the last 5 years. I don't regret it all - I wanted to give him a good start, but I was blind to the cost it would be. To Robert, myself, Kelly, my husband, marriage, etc.

Love is blind. Yup.
Boundaries are very difficult to establish when there is fear. Yup.

Oh well, on to the news ...

Catching up

2010-01-11T12:00:00.002-05:00

I guess it is time that I get back to blogging.

I've been sooo busy and truth be told a little (?) depressed over the last few years. I've isolated to the point of not wanting to talk to anyone - even myself. Funny, strange, I work and love my work caring for others. I can listen to anyone's story - be compassionate - and truly feel at the end of the day that I have helped another. God anoints me to do my work and He is glorified in all that He does for my clients.

But me ...

What about me?? *sigh* I wish I could even express what about me. I truly do not know.

I saw a play at a dinner theatre years ago - I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can - that's sort of how I feel these days; that I dance as fast as I can and it is never fast enough. I feel that I can never get all that I need to get done; that there is always something more I need to do and not the energy to do it. *sigh* Enough whining.

I'm back.

I'll update in a couple of posts ...

90/10

2009-11-09T11:14:00.002-05:00

My, a lot of new things to share. *sigh* Sometimes I think I could write a soap opera, but then again, lots of other people go through stinky things in their lives.

I asked the Lord to iron out the wrinkles in my life which keep me from shining for the Lord. Ha....

It doesn't matter really what has happened ... it is my reaction which is the important thing. I don't know where I read it so I cannot give credit to the author, but I read "Life is 10% what happens to you; and 90% how you react to it."

The 10% I can whine about, the 90% I want to succeed at.

The Crisis of Disaster, The Crisis of Delay

2008-09-02T12:12:00.004-04:00

I cannot claim this title as it was from the sermon of our visiting Pastor. This is a precious man in his late 70's/early 80's ... he is our gift during the interim period of waiting for our new senior pastor.

What struck me was the content of his sermon. It is in essence the thesis of a book I am writing and a sermon topic I love to preach on as well. It concentrates on that period of time between fear and faith.

You know ... when something happens ... like awaiting Gustav this weekend ... our first flesh response seems to be fear. Fear is a good thing ... it is an emotion given to us by God for a very specific and useful purpose.

Why?

Fear was given to us to cause us to see our inability and to run to His ability.

Let me say that again in full Pastor voice ...

Fear was gven to us ... by God ... to cause us to see our inability ... and to run to His ability.

Our precious Pastor did not go this way with his sermon, and it was a wonderful word full of faithand hope. But God wanted me to concentrate on this one concept. I end up doing a lot of that these days as I attempt to write this book I've been trying to write ...

I want to add something else to it though ... The Crisis of Faith

Think of the last time you felt fear.

A storm;
A near car accident;
Your child was late;
You couldn't find your precious kitten;
You got that diagnosis of cancer.

What happens? You take in a deep breath ... no doubt to prepare your body to run. You go numb as all of your blood is now moved to your head for clear thinking ... then to your heart to prepare you to run and that is all you want to do. This is a normal, healthy, and fantastic response built into our bodies by our Heavenly Father to strengthen us to take flight from an enemy or danger.

That is the same as a stress response or a panic/anxiety attack. However, there usually is not a flesh and blood - or wind and rain - enemy for us to run from these days. The enemy is usually ourselves or the voice of fear ... straight from the pit of hell, but that's another sermon. *grin*

So to whom to we run?
Our spouse? Our best friend? Our Pastor? A therapist?
All those are good places to run as there is wisdom in a multitude of counsellors.

However ...

all of these people need to run with us to the foot of the Father ...

It is there that we will find peace and rest. It is only in faith that the Lord has come, has died, has risen and sits at the right Hand of the Father that we can find the peace and rest. He is always interceeding for us; working things out for our good; preparing; knowing and working his good plans for our lives.

It is such a short journey, but yet such a long one for most of us ... myself included and that's why I spend so much time on this topic ... because we generally take a "Family Circus" type journey from the crisis to the Christ.

That is the crisis of disaster. But what about the crisis of delay? What about when we run to the Father, feeling that we are safe, and yet the wind and the rain continue and the enemy continues to growl in our ear? What about the time it takes from the accident to the healing? That's where the faith comes in big time, isn't it? That's where we press into Christ again .. and again ... and again ... and again until we feel we cannot press in any further . a.n.d. we are concerned that our faith was misplaced.

Ah, the crisis of delay often takes us to the crisis of faith.

Jarius, The woman with the issue of Blood, Peter, John, the rest of the Disciples, the Mary's, Debra, Esther, Moses, Abraham, Sarah, the list goes on. They all had that moment of the crisis of faith.

It is there that the roots are dug deep into the olive branch, the vine ... the Christ. It is there that we find Him.

P.U.S.H. Look up the story ... Pray Until Something Happens. We find Him in the Prayer.

He is good. He is faithful. He is love. He is Peace and Rest for your soul and mine.

Amen.

ahhhh, this is the life.

2008-08-31T15:34:00.002-04:00

Meet the furfamily!!

Coco Chanel ... part Siamese, the sweetest cat ... so loving.

Meet Austin ... a HUGE Main Coon ... a gentle giant.

Meet Butch. He is our oldest cat - almost 17 and daddy wakes him up to take pictures of him with the plants. Something about to check the size of the bloom.

This is her favourite pose ... I wish I could sleep like her.

The Beauty of Nature

2008-08-30T20:52:00.003-04:00

Labour Day ...

2008-08-30T19:29:00.005-04:00

Where did this summer go?

It was so wet for so much of it, seems that we have only been able to enjoy the sun for a few weeks and already the kids are back at school.

Did I tell you that we won "Best Perennial Garden" in our community last year? The Community Association came today to bring Bill's plaque. Oh, I wish you could have been there to see his face! Such pride! He has been so unwell for the last two years, I think he had lost some of his pride in gardening ... and how the Lord has returned to him that delight! He is not well enough at this point to work a lot, but it still looks lovely ...

And now we're looking at the last few weeks to enjoy the warmth and the beauty of pink flowers ... sigh ....

The changing of the seasons - especially from summer to fall - always bring about a certain melancholy for me. Maybe it is getting older and not being so much in the summer of my life but looking at the fall, maybe my bones preferring the warmer weather and longer days ... but this year I am wishing for a longer summer. Maybe the fall with be warm.

The long, lazy days of sitting on the swing in the garden, enjoying my coffee and my devotions with the Lord in the morning on the wicker set watching the birds and the breeze flowing through the plants and with Butchie the cat at my side. There is something so peaceful and sweet about that time of the day. Usually I sit after I've had my morning walk, a new routine I've had to impart upon because of advancing age *grin* and a greater need for dexterity and exercise. It's a sweet time I will miss over the winter.

In Kentucky??

2008-08-27T10:18:00.002-04:00

I drove home from the church last night and was struck with the inevitable grief that I could not call Steph and meet her for a tea. I determined to send her an email and tell her that I was thinking of her.

Upon returning home and logging into the computer, I found a message from her ... they had stopped in Kentucky for the night. God sure knows what we need when we need it. *smile*

We continue to pray for her safety.

The fulfillment of prophecy!

2008-08-25T22:33:00.004-04:00

Bill and I were given prophecy over three years ago that we would be spiritual parents to certain young people. We were told that these would come, be mentored and loved, would leave ... some would return, others would embark upon God's plan for their lives and not return. At the time we had no idea how this could have been possible as we had little contact with our own children, none of them at the time in church.

Stephanie blew into our lives just a mere year and a bit ago, stole the heart of my son, stole our hearts, scared him half to death to the point where he ran away! She was a little too close to his calling as a Pastor. We are thankful that she did not run away from us. She became a huge part of our lives, attended church with us, shared many Sunday dinners, blessed us continually with her amazing Spirit. Even though Bill and I have grown children of our own, whom we love with all of our hearts, Steph was our first Spritual daughter together.

During the last year she has embarked upon a journey with the Lord which has taken her from drinking in a bar to receiving ministry at Cleansing Stream, finishing a College diploma in Child and Youth Worker, and now she is travelling all by herself to Georgia (USA) to go to Bible College.

This journey started with a prophet who visited our church on the very first service Stephanie attended. It was her first time in church in a long time. Well, Pastor Zack called her out of the congregation and spoke words over her life that were only from the Lord. My son was also present ... one of the few times we were able to get him to church. The same prophet spoke a powerful word over him as well.

In a little over a year, all prophecies have been fufilled for Steph. Then, earlier this year, another Pastor visited, this time from a Bible College in Georgia. No doubting, no wondering, this was God's call for her life, and she was in the right place at the right time.

Thanks to my son bringing her into our lives. Isn't that awesome!???

I have rarely seen God move so quickly in another person's life and we had the honour of loving and caring for her as spiritual parents. Her own parents do not attend their Catholic church regularly and had no concept of the spiritual journey Steph was travelling. They are awesome parents and have stood by her ... as of tomorrow morning they will be taking the 12 hour drive to the College with them. An amazing answer to prayer and one that Steph would have thought impossible a year ago.

She believes that she will one day marry my son. I know that the Lord showed me that she was the answer to the prayer I have prayed since he was a tiny child ... to bless and care for his future wife. We do not know how this will happen, but we're also glad that it is not up to us to make it happen.

So, we released her tonight. She came for a visit and we sat and prayed over her, cried, and rejoiced in what God is doing in her life.

What awesome honour it is to be part of another person's life and to have had the opportunity to pour into her life and pray with her as God unfolded what He wanted for her. It is very humbling.

And very, very exciting.

Thank You Lord, may You and only You be glorified in Stephanie's life. Thank You for brining her into our lives and allowing us the precious times that we spent together. We release her Lord into Your mighty Hand and trust You to bring her back when the time is right. Bless her, Lord. Strengthen her, build her, mess her up and put her back together again. I ask that You anoint us to minister to her from afar and to be the support in prayer and love that she deserves and more. I pray that You go before her every step of this journey and anoint her to do all that You have called her to do. May the journey be only as difficult as it needs to be to stretch her, but I intercede for her that the time spent away will be fulfilling and exciting as only You can orchestrate. May her days be filled with God Breezes. As you form her into the image of Christ, may she be blessed as much as she is a blessing and more. I thank You for the plans You have for her. In the Precious Name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

Grandkid ;)

2008-08-22T11:56:00.002-04:00

Here she is ... our most recent pic. This was taken New Year's Eve on our way out to celebrate by doing a light tour! Here is her school picture:

Tests updates

2008-08-22T11:44:00.002-04:00

We had a difficult time getting Bill through to the hospital for a scan of his stomach. First the order was "lost" between our MD and the surgeon - not once but twice - then he finally made it in to see the surgeon and he was going on vacation for a week. *sigh* The OR was closed to elective proceedures so we had to wait a week for that. The surgeon referred us to another one to get it done through emergency and he dropped the ball and booked us for the first day the OR opened again. *ack*

Then the next surgeon only looked at the stomach through the scope and not into the duodenum, which is where the thickening is. He came out to tell us that there is significant ulceration *eek* and that Bill must have been in some serious pain! *yup*

When I asked about the tumour he looked at me with a blank stare. We shared the results of the other tests - ultrasound, CT, etc. - and he left us there to get a copy of the former tests.
An hour later this dear man comes back to say that he should have looked, but now that Bill is out, he cannot put him under anethestic again so we have to wait for a few months to have another scope.

The thickening could be from old gallbladder surgery 30 years ago and made worse by the kidney removal last year or it could be a return of the cancer. They're not sure.

And we have to wait another couple of months.

*eek*

*sigh*

We are thankful to have the ulcerations diagnosed because Bill has had some pretty severe pain and now he can add some more medication to his cocktail to ease that pain.

I find myself so tired these days and I do not want to whine, but I guess that is what this place is for, if only I read it. I need to press into the Lord even further than before for His strength because it can be so difficult to pour out to clients and church members without having my own batteries recharged.

I'm thinking of going away for a few days to a Catholic retreat center very close to my home and see if some quiet prayer and meditation away from the phones and the temptation to clean or paint will lift my mood.

You know, through it all, God is so very faithful. Thank you for the two faithful friends who dropped in here almost as soon as I posted ... you two are dear, sweet women and I thank you for your sweet comments.

*hugs*

I'm baaaackkkkk

2008-08-08T14:25:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe it has been a year since I posted, but when I think of what we've been through in that year, I can understand why.

Dear Bill, my husband, was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had his right kidney removed late April last year. It was a terribly difficult year for us as he recovered. Now, we are faced with another tumour - this time in the duodenum - and another long slew of medical tests and who knows what else. Unfortunately, kidney cancer does not respond well to chemo and radiation, so we're not sure what the future brings.

A lot of other things going on - kids are all ok - so is grandkid :) - and mama (aka meeee) is trudging along faithfully working and praying ...

In short,

God is good.

Sweet Ride

2007-04-03T11:02:00.000-04:00

TA DA

This is my new Sweet Ride.

I was no longer allowed to write off my Hyundai Elantra on my income tax because it is too old. So, I had a problem. I needed to lease another vehicle. So ...
DS says ... Let me research a new vehicle, Mom.

Look what I ended up with!!!!

I interrupt this program ...

2007-04-02T22:22:00.000-04:00

Blessed are the humble in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.

Sometimes the Lord shows me interesting things and I spend weeks working it through in my mind and with my clients.

The latest is with a 22 year old who is struggling with his pride following a recent relationship breakup. Out of my mouth comes the statement that the greatest strength is found in humility. Since it was out and his face registered disbelief, I had to elaborate with the anointing of the Lord, because I wasn't sure what I was saying anyway.

Ever have that happen??

I wish the Lord would fill me in on His thoughts in advance.

In a nutshell ... when we are humble before all around us, it is not a position of weakness, rather it is a position of strength. Because, with that place of humility, comes the death of our pride. And with the death of our pride, comes the strength to withstand any onslaught of those who wish to hurt our pride.

Humility is the emptying out of the flesh, crucifying it, and walking in the Spirit. It is always the Lord's desire to bring us into the likeness of His Son. Stripping off the flesh is an ongoing very painful process, but oh, how worth it when we step a little further into the Spirit.

Christ, Himself, did it. He is our example. He left His heavenly home and took on this flesh in order to conquer it and all its appetites. Pride being the most difficult at all. It is a condition of the heart, and one He does not want us to walk in.

But humility takes us to a place where we can truly see the Kingdom of God with all the love and power and glory. Where we look at others through the eyes of God and see their worth and value to Him and ultimately to Him. It is from that place that we are able to truly love ... and be loved ...

sigh

Sounds good.

Easier said than done.

Carry on...

Palm Sunday

2007-04-01T17:45:00.000-04:00

I was thinking this morning about the liturgical passion week from my former Lutheran church and how much I missed it.

Lent, the fasting and praying
The looking within
Palm Sunday and the procession of the palms
Maundy Thursday and the seder meal with the washing of feet ... and the stripping of the altar, all of us leaving in silence and prayer.
Good Friday Service ... solemn and quiet. ... the procession out to the back yard of the church which is up on a hill and can been seen for many miles. There we always erected three crude crosses ...
Easter Sunday sunrise service
The celebration and the looking for the Allelujah banner.

I miss that.

This morning I walked into my beloved Pentecostal church to be greeted with palm branches (!!!!!) and a wonderful service with an incredible sermon. I had missed the mid week Pastoral meeting because I was so busy with the funeral and the parents. What a blessing.

I don't know if it is the fasting or the place I am right now, but the Lord is showing me things that are His heart in a precious new way.

I am so thankful for Stephanie and Robby. That the Lord's promises and blessings and love - all are new every morning.

Good news ...

2007-04-01T17:26:00.000-04:00

Robert is engaged!!

He started dating an old friend a while ago. They have been spending a lot of time together as friends and have really been having a good time. I liked her from the moment I met her.

Robby came to me a week ago and asked if there is any way that one can know that "this is the one" so quickly and with such security? Oh yes, we can.

She is the sweetest girl! You can easily see it from the picture. I've never seen Robby so happy and so content.

The best part ... she is a Christian! And a lovely one at that. She loves the Lord so much. What a blessing.

Last week, we painted the new condo - well, the Kitchen, Livingroom and diningroom. We had a great time and really got to know each other. We had Christian music playing - quite load - and found we like the same artists. We were singing ... well, I was really very, very blessed. She bought me a present - and a card thanking me for welcoming her into the family with open arms.

I couldn't do anything else.

For all the dark times and the concern I have had for Robby and his future ... and for the many prayers ... God is really returning with joy.

Challenges continue

2007-04-01T17:17:00.000-04:00

Last friday evening ... March 23 ... I was the oncall Chaplain for the local hospital. It was a very long day and I was just settling down to change into my jammies and drink a cup of camomile ... having forgotten my commitment. Within half an hour of my last client, I got a call from the hospita asking me to come in for a death.

Half an hour later I was faced with 40 something parents who had just lost their 10 month old baby boy.

This is not something there are easy answers for.

I stumbled through the next 3 hours ... not knowing what to say, what to do. I felt I was in the way, but stayed close to them anyway.

Praying over the baby
Committing him to the Lord
Praying over the parents
Praying with their sister
Praying .. praying ... praying.

I went home that morning, feeling that I had been of little use because I didn't have many words to say at all. I just sat there, looking at them. Staying with them when the coroner came in to look at the baby, while the detectives came to talk to them (standard proceedure in our area) ... walking to their car...

I finally went home and slept for a few hours and then did what any self respecting pastor would do given this circumstance:

Pray ...

Question my call
Pray

And then I picked up a paintbrush and painted the livingroom, diningroom and kitchen. Steph helped me ... see previous post for good news!!!!

Later in the week, I got a call from the local funeral parlour. The director wanted to know if I was willing to take the funeral for this little boy. The parents had been so comforted by my presence at the hospital.

Whew ..

Thank You Jesus!

So I embarked upon one of the most difficult and yet fulfilling weeks of my life.

I couldn't understand why the Lord had me start a fast just four days before this death. I assumed that it was for my husband ... but quickly realized it was for this family. As of this date ... 2 weeks later ... I am still fasting, but that's another story.

I started writing the sermon. There are few places on the net with instructions for pastors in this case. Several for a baby dying in birth, but few for one who dies at around the year mark. I talked with every pastor I knew well and none of them had ever been there ... each one prayed ... but each one said there is no way you can come through this and not be impacted.

I sat at the computer. And quaked.

God just took over and He produced a lovely work for them.

Stephanie sang as the casket was being brought in and again at the cemetery when we released what seemed like a hundred balloons into the air. The stayed around for the longest time, little bright coloured dots in the air... very moving.

*sigh*

I found during this week, the very thing God created for me to do ... brought the comfort I had been looking for. That in the death of a precious child, I found the life I had been searching for ... and the purpose of life ... to comfort others.

I need to keep writing ... sharing ... praising God!!

Out of the dark place

2007-02-26T15:51:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe it has been three months since I last posted. It has been a difficult three months for sure.

My precious husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer. We have to wait until Wednesday to find out how serious it is, we are praying for a miracle. We did pray over him at church yesterday and I am going to stand on faith that God's will will be done.

We are still not in the same house; he does not see the severity of the mould and continues to live there inspite of the obvious damage it has done to his endocrine system. We do, however, spend Saturday nights together and yesterday he came back to church after a few month's absence. We are truly seeing answers to prayer there.

I finally had to submit to some antidepressant medication. It appears that the mould and resulting illness left my system so stressed that I fell into a fairly deep clinical depression. I have counselled many people who have been depressed, but had no idea as to the possible depth of how bad it could get. It is a very, very, very dark place. I cannot imagine those who refuse the medication as for me it was an almost instant improvement with the second one. From that point on, it has been a steady climb up and out of that pit.

My ministry is going very well. The Lord continues to provide enough clients to keep me busy but not enough to hire another therapist. I'm wondering what His next step for me is, but since He has chosen not to include me in on His plans, I must wait until He opens a door for me.

Robert is also doing well. He has reduced his course load at the College and is working hard on learning what he is enrolled in. It seems that five courses were too much for him last semester and we needed to give him a bit of a break. I keep forgetting that he is not me and that he needs to move at his own pace. God has been very, very faithful to us.

My regret is that I did not continue to journal during the dark times. It would have been interesting to read the upward progression. Oh well.

God is still good. All the time.

Out of the dark place

2007-02-26T15:51:00.001-05:00

Out of the dark place

2007-02-26T15:51:00.000-05:00

Retreat number 22 ...

2006-11-26T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have been on the ministry team of Cleansing Stream Ministries Canada for 10 years. This awesome ministry has become part of my very soul during this time. It was at a Cleansing Stream retreat that I received my healing from Multiple Sclerosis (see March 2005 for a picture) in May of 1998.

This past weekend was retreat number twenty two for me ...

It was the most amazing experience, the best retreat EVER, although everyone laughs at me because I say that every retreat. But it is true, the retreats become better and better for me. Easier, more healing, and they bring me closer to the Lord than I could have ever imagined.

God has blessed me with increasing responsibility and servitude at these retreats over the years. For the last few years, I have been training the on-line ministry team and have had the honour of seeing and participating in the Lord's work of healing the church thousands of times. Often I have been asked to present some of the topics ...

I found out this Wednesday, two days before retreat, that the Lord wanted me to present on the spirit of Death. *eek*

I had initially requested to be freed of all responsibilities at the church which were voluntary and had barely been able to keep up with my pastoral counselling duties. This has been a very dark and trying few months for me.

One of the ministry staff contacted me early last week. She had been seeing my in therapy for a serious and painful issue which has plagued her for many years and we had been making good, but slow and painful progress. She asked me if she should still serve at retreat given the "mess she is in". Of course, I told her that the work on "the line" is the Lord's and not hers and that when she was so weak emotionally that the Lord could show Himself in a powerful way as strong in her life and to bring healing in to other's lives.

Great Pastoral response, right?

Well ... the Great Pastor gave me the same one.

I couldn't believe I was considering not going to retreat!

Our Canadian Director is my senior Pastor and he always seeks the Lord as to who does what at Retreat. I immediately called him and told him that I would do whatever the Lord wanted. Well, my usual responsibilities were what the Lord wanted.

Imagine my surprise when I was asked to speak on Death? *smile*

I had intimate understanding of how that stinker affects one!

Need I tell you how I am feeling today after ministering on my feet from Thursday night until Saturday night with about 8 hours sleep in the three days?

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is Good .... more tomorrow.

The Keeping Power of God

2006-11-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

As I slowly start to dig myself out of this dark place, I am so aware of the Keeping Power of God. He has been here through it all. Sometimes He is as quiet as a whisper, sometimes He bellows through the screaming of my soul to tell me He is here.

How I long to be baqck in the place of peace and rest, but I realize that it is a short lived place sometimes, when the Lord has more refining work to do in my life. He's had that iron out and the bleach taste is still in my mouth, but I know without a doubt that He is working in and through me for my own good. And those of my clients.

None of my clients have this address, I don't know how they would react to the inner squacking of my spirit ... I have been overwhelmed at the anointing and wisdom that comes out of this woman's mouth when someone comes in pain trusting that I can lead them out of their wilderness. Many can see I am in my own, but isn't it awesome that God can minister to them in and through mine???? It is awe inspiring.

I often cry out ... how come You don't break through mine, LORD??!!! ... and He tells me ... Be still, Child. I am still God.

sigh

He is good.

As dark as it gets, there are awesome rays of Sonshine that break through. He is always behind the clouds and we need those clouds to bring the right conditions for the soaking rain of God to refresh.

I'm waiting, Lord.

I think I felt a drop ....

The Power of Attitude

2006-11-04T12:57:00.000-05:00

From Deadly Emotionsby Dr. Don Colbert - excellent book!

I recently read a short essay on attitude by Charles Swindoll. He wrote:

"Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me."

Don Colbert goes on to say:

"All deadly emotions, to some extent, derive from our attitudes. And attitudes are something we can control.

You can choose how you will think and feel about any circumstance, event, or relationship in your life. You can choose to a very great extent how you deal with grief, resentment, bitterness, shame, jealousy, guilt, fear, worry, depression, anger, hostility, and all other emotional situations that readily trigger physical responses.

The first step you need to take toward health is to reflect upon your own attitudes. Own up to the attitudes you have. Ask yourself, "Is this the way I want to think and believe?""

Good words.

Jadzia's 4th Birthday

2006-10-29T20:04:00.000-05:00

I can feel the prayers!

2006-10-27T08:34:00.000-04:00

First, friends, I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and I encourage you to please keep them up! I can feel them - the Lord is very, sweetly, close - and I'm improving every day.

It has been a nutty week with lots of news.

First, Robby decided to end his relationship with Milly. Although I am happy for Robby because I wasn't sure that she was going in the same direction that God was calling Robby, I miss her. She caused a great deal of drama around here, but also, great joy with her outgoing personality.

He has made his room his own and is a very, very neat young man! It's a delight to have him so conscious of the state of the apartment, it looks lovely! I wish I knew how to post pictures from my cell phone, I'll have to ask him today to help me. He is also doing very well at school, although he has been home with me this week, so he's missed a few classes.

Second, and I am so thankful Milly was here when it happened, I had a seizure on Tuesday morning. After a day in the hospital, it appears that I had a reaction to antidepressant medication the doctor prescribed due to the stress I've been under. He thought it would help with the physical fatigue, and it has helped with the daily grind of trying to keep going when I'm so tired, but when we increased it to a "therapetic dose", I had a seizure. So, back to the drawing board in my quest for health.

After the seizure I spent an unusual two days in bed and saw a full caseload of clients out of the house yesterday - success. The Lord really anointed and it was a good day in the counselling office. I have taken the week off from teaching at the College. I have been told that the entire College is praying for me during every class - so praise God for answered prayer!!! Today I have three clients at my home and they are easy ones, so it is good.

As for the financial situation ... not so good at this point. I have enough in the bank for rent on the first, but that is it. I've only received $300.00 more than the rent this month in income - and I work the equivalent of almost five times that in hours, but the insurance company I work with has not released my funds yet. I'm angry and frustrated, but thankful there is enough to cover my expenses. Talk about pulling the belt in a little tighter, but we're not starving so I know the Lord will release all of the money when the time is right.

Oh, and remember I said I was praying for clients who would pay cash? Three old paying clients and three new paying clients have made contact with me. Isn't God good? *shaking head and sighing*

As for Bill ... well, that's going a little better, but I've paid a price for it. He made dinner for me last week - at the house - and we have been able to at least reconcile our relationship to the point where we are dating. That is a good thing, but since I refuse to go to the house and he refuses to go to a restaurant, or to my new house, I'm not sure where we will go from here. He's not well physically and doesn't see the connection with the mould (yes, Canadians spell it with a 'u' - lol), we're still fighting that battle.

Thanks for your prayers, my friends. I cannot thank you enough. The story isn't over, but the Lord is close and He is so good ... I can do all things through Him ... He is my strength.

Still feeling very fragile

2006-10-14T11:53:00.000-04:00

I didn't want this blog to be an update on my struggles so much as my victories. It seems that I have been having way more struggles than victories yesterday and my old Word of Faith teaching is leaving hard and screaming all the way.

Robby told me that when he was praying for me a few days ago the Lord showed him that I would think things were going to only get better when we moved, but that it wasn't the case. I have to admit that I thought there would be a lot more emotional and physical release when we moved, but it has proved untrue.

It looks like my body is detoxing from the mould, etc., in the house. I am so tired and achey, it is frustrating. I am normally a very high functioning and busy person and do not deal well with not having enough energy to do everything I need to do ... especially when I am the majority breadwinner and it is difficult for me to work feeling this way.

The Lord has been so good. He has consistently brought new clients my way which is a relief, but for the last three weeks, I have only been able to see half of my client load. That means half of my income. Unfortuantely, it will not show up fully until around Christmas from the receipts from the insurance company. I'm praying that the Lord will bring more cash paying clients around that time to cover the expenses.

The Lord did provide work for Robert at the College so he can work off his tuition. I met the College President in the hall on Friday and he told me how happy he is with Robby's work! Yeah, God! Good work, Rob!

Now I can be paid for my work at the College because I was going to apply that to his tuition. That is a good God in the works, isn't it?

Things are going well with us at the new home, although Milly is not feeling well right now. As we speak they are off to the doctor, something about her not taking her pills properly and her system is out of whack. Prayers appreciated there!

She's matured a lot. They have been keeping their room very clean, it's nice to see a bed made and the laundry all up to date. It really is nice.

Bill and I have been talking on the phone every day and he has been asking me to come to the house for the night. Unfortuantely, I don't want to give up all of the detoxing I have done to go back to the house for any length of time. It's just not worth it to me and I think he is finally starting to understand by my consistent refusal to go near the house.

But I miss him so much. I don't miss the constant discussions about money at all, but we seem to be able to date very well. It's sad when we love each other so much but cannot live together in peace. Very sad.

Well, thanks for reading. I'll try to be more forthcoming for those who are worrried and I thank you for your calls and emails. I know I have been very scarce, which is out of character for my outgoing personality, but I need desperately to get my health back.

Blessings, my friends.

Teaching

2006-10-05T11:48:00.000-04:00

I am teaching three courses this semester at the College:
Introduction to Pscyhology I
Psychology of Counselling I (yes, that is two 'L's ... the Canadian Way)
Psychology of Christian Life I

The two first are undergraduate and the bare introduction - usually a very difficult course to teach because the amount of material is vast and the basics can be very, very boring. The third is a Doctorate course and one that I have been left to develop completely on my own. I'm loving that!

The textbooks for the last course are "Master Potter" by Jill Austin and "Intimate Friendship with God" by Joy Dawson. Both excellent books by awesome women of God. Not that I am adverse to books or material written by men, gracious no, but these two women have written material that takes me straight to the Heart of God.

It is a delight to teach from this material.

The first book is written by a woman who is a potter. She uses her experience and the Word of God where one of the allegories of God is as a potter and us as the clay. Our most recent class was discussing the time in a Christian's life where he or she is put on the shelf to 'cure' so to speak, often early in their relationship with the Lord. But often, the Lord places us on the shelf again at another point in our production to cure. Maybe after a beautiful glaze has been applied, or a design. And we may cry because we are not being used as the instrument we once were. We do not see the finished product, or what the Lord is planning for us.

I was bemoaning my recent putting on the shelf by the Lord. This placing was bugging me because I have so much to do in ministry and I have been so ill that I have been unable to concentrate enough to even think about preaching a sermon. I went so far as to ask the senior Pastor to give me a few months off from my responsibilities of teaching and preaching until I was in a better place physically and emotionally. I have continued my counselling practice within the church - albeit barely - and have been able to sit in the congregation and just receive during the services. It's been a sweet time in some ways, and frustrating in others because there is so much I want to do.

Yet, the Lord showed me this week that there is beauty in that time of shelving. And I have been preaching ... three times a week in class. He has been giving me revelation and anointing for these students in a way that is truly incredible. Even my son - who is in my classes *clapping* - is amazed at the transformation.

It is when your family sees the anointing of God on you ....

Lord, why do I not have that anointing at home? All the time? I so long to walk in a way that is pure, holy, a testimony to the Love of God every moment of my life, but alas, I am but clay. An empty pot without the Lord.

He is doing something so deep in my life right now. Even my thoughts are open and bare before Him and He is showing me some that are *sigh* not very pretty at all. It is almost like there is a Holy Spirit Spotlight on my mind at all times. It is most uncomfortable, I must tell you.

But it is cleansing too.

It amazes me how He uses whatever is in our lives to continually cleanse us, bring us closer to His heart and from Glory to Glory to Glory ... for His Glory.

He's so good, friends. He is so very good. And faithful.

Even when He has the iron and the bleach in His Hand. (or the potter's shelf)

Feeling Better

2006-09-28T10:09:00.000-04:00

This is very interesting.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the Lord wanted us to move out of the house. When I think back on how I was feeling and what I was doing, it occurs to me that He was prompting me to prepare for a move. I thought we were going to have to sell the house because of the mould, and we probably will have to, but I think there is more.

This is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah. I read a very interesting article on The Elijah List (elijahlist.com) this morning about Rosh Hashanah. One comment made was this is a time of transition and change, that realignments are happening. Something in my Spirit, that I KNOW is the quickening of Holy Spirit, said ... it is time.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I am where God wants me to be ... and that He has led me like a little child because I was too ill to make the trip myself ... footprints again ...

What is great is that I am finally starting to feel like myself again.

Mould is a horrible thing. Horrible! Like sin, it is insidious. It hides the the dark and then sneaks in tiny spore by tiny spore until it has destroyed its host. And only by killing it, will one be free.

sigh

The New Place

2006-09-23T21:11:00.000-04:00

We moved into a beautiful condominium this Thursday. Mainly because I was under so much stress that I ended up with a full blown panic attack on Wednesday when my blackberry fell down the stairs and broke.

My whole life is on that thing.

I have been without it since Wednesday and I've missed several appointments. It is so frustrating. It has been backed up every night, but the computer in the house has been damaged by the power surges we were experiencing by the electrical meter incident last week where the meter was moments away from burning the house down.

*blink* *blink*

Just thinking about it causes me to breathe deep into a paper bag.

breathe in, breathe out.

Is it just me, or is the enemy on the warpath? He is picking up on whatever he can pick up on and causing as much damage as he can try to. He cannot make things go wrong, but he sure can distract, huh?

Anyhooooooo, the apartment is lovely and I am so enjoying the quiet and cleanliness of it.

More later. Thanks for those who pray.

On a Brighter Note ... College Days

2006-09-12T22:48:00.000-04:00

Robert started College this week. He is taking classes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. It is so much fun to be walking around the College with him ... to see the reaction of all the people who have prayed so faithfully for him for 6 years! He is truly a walking miracle.

He has taken it so seriously! He sits in class and types away his notes from the lectures on his laptop. He sits on the edge of his seat and listens, really listens. (Must I admit that I sneak a peak from time to time???)

He talks about the classes, what the profs are talking about and how he feels about the politics of the day. It is so awesome to see how God is pouring out favour over this boy. He is completely different at school.

He is with me in the office and is presently overseeing the Psychological testing for my new clients. It is so sweet to see him dressed in his suit and looking so darn 'old' and 'mature'! Where do the days go?

Tonight as we were driving home (at 10:00 - eek) he said that he didn't want to leave the College because the Spirit is so sweet there.

In the midst of all of our hell at home, I am living and watching a real live miracle unfold before my eyes.

The enemy is a stinker.

Do you hear me? The enemy is a stinker.

He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It breaks my heart how Bill is walking along side him and attempting to ruin this precious time. I hate being in the middle, but for a few sweet moments at school - and at the office - I am living a miracle!

Thank you for your prayers

2006-09-12T22:46:00.000-04:00

Thanks for your prayers. There is no change. I've seen this look in other men's eyes in counselling. It is not good and he does not want to get therapy for us.

Sad, huh?

Oh well, can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to.

Tonight was not good. I bought something for $10.00 at McDonald's for our dinner because we didn't have time to pack a lunch before we had to run out of the house. Bill was not happy.

I've started teaching at the College again and Robby started his classes, so Bill and I will go from Sunday night to Thursday night without seeing each other except passing in the night ... he goes to bed at 8:30 and I am usually not in bed before 12:00 so we do not see each other awake at all. I'm sure that is part of the problem. It is not an ongoing thing, but it lasts during the semesters. I simply have to work at night if I am going to make money and money is at the root of the problem.

I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I am home, he is upset I am not making money, if I am out making money, he is upset I am not home. ack.

We need a miracle.

An update ... thanks for the prayers

2006-09-08T09:39:00.000-04:00

Bill returned home, but he still says he is leaving as soon as he finds a place to stay. I have been trying to respect him and give him all the tender loving care he needs, but it has been difficult with me being soo sick. He didn't even make me a cup of tea.

Every conversation is strained, he does not say a positive thing and I just cannot listen to his complaining all the time. I'm struggling with a huge case of compassion fatigue, which means that I cannot take anyone else's crap ... even to the point of not wanting to counsel certain people because they are such whiners. I feel that I have lost all of my compassion!

*sigh*

Because of that, I've had to cancel several days worth of clients, which does not help the financial situation, which is Bill's biggest complaint!

We are in a cycle I don't know how to stop with his help - and he is not helping.

Uncovering serious mould in the renovation has not helped matters at all. I am positive this is the reason that we have all been struggling with such serious illness over the last year, but again, Bill is unwilling to spend the money to have it assessed and then even more unwilling to spend the money to have it repaired.

He has dug his head well under the house like an ostrich and we are all dying from it.

*sigh*

I am simply hanging on as I have been for several months, but I don't know what else to do. Robby and I are renovating in spite of Bill at least to increase the value of the home if we have to sell, but I cannot in good conscience renovate over existing mould problems. I feel so stuck, I want to leave myself. But like Bill, I have nowhere to go and besides, leaving is the coward's way out.

We have had similar issues occur at the church as well:

Vandalism - some 'kid' stuck a garden hose turned on full down an airvent which flooded the nursery and all carpets had to be taken up - including our fellowship hall and probably the four Pastor's offices!

A tree was struck by lightening on the Manse property which crashed through the fence and landed on the parking lot ...

The overhead projector for our worship lyrics suddenly died ...

There is more ...

What I keep seeing in my mind is the enemy leading a parade of demons outside of the window ... they all have drums and noisemakers .... but ... they are outside. They can only try to distract us from our work by their noise and shennanagens (sp) ... That's all they can do.

I find myself giggle as I write because of my blog name and the description. The comparison between myself and the spots of mould are almost comical. Do you know how you kill mould? Bleach. *giggle* *sigh*

Prayers to keep focused would be so appreciated.

Heartbroken ...

2006-09-02T12:45:00.000-04:00

My husband left today.

*sigh*

We have been having problems for a while - hence the scarce posting - and having two teenagers in the house has not helped matters much. We started construction a couple of weeks ago to provide Milly with a closet as she is such a slob, we thought it might help. It all really started when the room stunk so much I told Robby he had to paint in hopes of getting it cleaned out.

Bill does not handle mess and especially construction well. And he doesn't handle financial spending either.

He warned me ... I was too tired and stressed to be able to help him. I cannot sit and argue with him when I do not get home until after he goes to bed and he gets up for work four hours before I am awake.

I am heartbroken.

I just do not know what to do.

Pray.

Please.

Friday Five for the first time

2006-07-21T22:01:00.000-04:00

I have been part of the RevGal BlogPals for several months but have been too busy to really get involved as much as I hoped to or intended to. I believe today is the best time to get involved as it is the first year anniversary of the site. So ... here I am with the answers to the Friday Five:

1) What is your first memory of the RevGalBlogPals?
My great friend, Penni told me about this great group of women in full time ministry and gave me the link. I figured it would be a great thing for me as I tend to feel alone in my call as a female Pastor. The first time I saw the ring, I was so excited to see other women who were in ministry and who were talking about their lives. It was like a breath of fresh air. Even though our denominations are different, it was awesome to see our similarties within our differences.

2) Have you met any of the other ring members in real life?
Yes! Lorna when she came to Canada from Finland. We had such a wonderful time and it was wayyy too short. I also met her through Penni's blog.

3) Of those you haven't met, name a few you would love to know in person.
Every last one of them!

4) What has Ring Membership added to your life?
As I said, I haven't spent enough time moving around, but I certainly intend to spend some of the time I have promised the Lord I was going to reclaim of my life travelling around the ring!

5) Describe a hope for the future of the WebRing
Lorna has this great idea of writing a book about how we answered our calls ... I pray the WebRing is intimately involved in the vision God has given her!

'k ... I have to run, it's been fun .. have a great day! hugs.

My Time Out Spot

2006-07-06T22:23:00.000-04:00

Oh, I have enjoyed my day off today. I'm still not well ... but feeling a little more coherent tonight. This is not a nice virus and we are all so grumpy, it is funny ...

But ... here is my new time out spot, isn't it lovely??

From here I have a lovely view of the garden from several angles. Lorna, it is right where we were sitting, in the driveway. I would rather the back yard, but as you know, there is precious little space for anything other than two feet and a plant back there. Besides, Bill would probably hang something off my arm ...

Where I look to the left ...

To the right ...

So tonight I decide to sit out on my little swing with a blankie and a pillow and read a book. What an unusual thing for me to do and I enjoyed it more than I can tell you. I guess this answers my previous question ... why? What now?? ... If I don't take my Sabbath Rest, the Lord will make sure I do.

*sigh*

It has been sooooo nice.

Oh, and the book? Look Good, Feel Great by Joyce Meyer. I love it.

Ok, what now?

2006-07-06T11:20:00.000-04:00

This cyst had developed on my shoulder and it came up to this head ... a few weeks ago I had it excised and now I have nurses visiting every day to pack it and change the dressing. ouch. To complicate matters further, DH came home with an awful flu and guess who got it? I've been on antibiotics almost non stop since March because of sinus infections ... now I'm off work for a few days. argh.

Now ... let's make things even a little more nutty. Yesterday I bought a new airconditioner for the bedroom and while taking it out of the box ... a simple thing right? ... I dropped it on my foot! The same foot that was in a cast last summer because I tore ligaments in the ankle. Guess what is swollen?

I'm going to go back to bed and pull the blanket over my head.

edited ... I'm coming back because I cannot shake why this is bothering me so much.

I was ashamed to admit that I have had this rash of illness ... is it because of the years I spent in a Word of Faith church? Possibly. If I am such a strong Christian and a good Pastor, would I be under this kind of attack? Why has my faith not been strong enough to speak against this illness and tell it to go?

Am I living in sin?

*sigh*

Where is the love in that sort of thinking? Where is the Lord?

Maybe I am just thinking through my medication and illness, but why would I as a Pastor feel this way?

Lorna

2006-06-21T18:30:00.000-04:00

This is Lorna on the one day she was allowed to just sit and rest while she was visiting. She had a great time reading a book on Anger ... not that she needed it ... she's one of the most beautiful people I've met.

I miss you Lorna, I wish we had more time together.

Don't cry over spilt ice cream.

2006-06-21T18:26:00.000-04:00

This was so funny.

Milly and Robby were making milk shakes and Milly forgot to put the ice cream away ... so when she realized the ice cream was still on the counter, she picked the carton up only to have it splat on the floor.

So Robby, my precious Robby, ran over, got a spoon and a bowl and proceeded to scoop it up citing the "five second rule". The floor had just been washed ... actually they were celebrating the end of Saturday cleaning ... and it was just mere moments ... I'd say about 5 minutes before Lorna was due to arrive.

What else could we do? We couldn't cry over spilt ice cream ... so we ate it.

and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I love having these kids home ...

Can your past disqualify you from being used by God?

2006-06-21T18:15:00.000-04:00

That was our question ...

Laura and I co-hosted the TV show Nite Lite Live from 2:00 AM to 4:30 AM last week. My oh My! God is sooo good.

It is a 2 1/2 hour live middle of the night call in show. The regular host, Paul Willoughby was away on vacation and they asked me to host the show. We had such a great time! Four people accepted the Lord and one recommitted their life ... and that is what we know of. It was a wonderful time of talking and ministering to people.

It never ceases to amaze me how God chooses to use this broken vessel ... Laura and I both sat before the show started and asked the Lord if He really knew what He was doing giving us open air on a TV program for 2 1/2 hours, even if it is in the middle of the night! I still shake when I think of it. Not with fear, because I was just talking with a friend, but with excitement that the Lord would choose to anoint me so.

Funny ... the anointing is not there until the camera turns on, or the microphone is in my face, or until I am introduced. Otherwise, I sit in the audience wondering what on earth I am doing ... the enemy is good at reminding me of my faults, but the Lord is always better at reminding me of His power.

Tell me ... Have you ever experienced this? Where someone has asked you to do something ... maybe for the Lord, maybe not ... and this surge of anointing comes upon you and you wonder how you did it? Does your past disqualify you from being used by God?

It's the most awesome part of ministry for me.

Catch you all later, we will be hosting another show soon ...

A rare morning off ...

2006-06-12T10:44:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here enjoying a rare morning off. I am enjoying a ton of blogs, catching up on everyone's lives. Penni over at marthamartha has a new tattoo ... Lorna at see-through-faith has been riding her bike ... gayla at heartjourney has an arteest for a son, he has painted an amazing self portrait. It's been a nice morning.

I will be hosting a late night - actually middle of the night - TV show Night Lite Livevery early tomorrow morning. Because of that, I have booked all of my clients for the later part of this day so I can rest and prepare for the show.

I've been a guest on the show several times ... it still amazes me that they would think I would have anything to share, but people are interested in how God carries one through their trials and tribulations! I'm so thankful for the presence of the Lord in my life and my heart!

My choice for guest is a friend of mine. She is one of the Pastors at my new Church and has such an amazing story to tell. She is truly one of my favourite people and I love to spend time listening to her talk about the Lord and what He is doing in her life.

Like me, she has come from a non-practicing Christian family and found herself in the bottom of the pit at one point in her life. But she looked up ... she saw Jesus and she took His Hand.

What He has done in her life since then is amazing. The best part is, she doesn't see it! She just sees herself as a kid ... and she gets to have fun with other kids. It works. It works big time.

She has a children's ministry that is explosive! Her services on Wednesday nights has no less than 100 kids and usually over 150! Can you imagine!?? They have a ball ... I'm so thrilled to be part of her life and to watch God work through her!

It's just too bad that you cannot watch it online. I am fully expecting that God will do an awesome work through her tonight. Please do say a prayer for Laura. I believe this is going to launch her into something really big!!

An opportunity to tell the world...

2006-05-30T18:03:00.000-04:00

How Awesome God is!!!!

I had the awesome opportunity to share my story on TV today at the 100 Huntley Street studios in Burlington. It was a terrific day and a chance to share the awesome things God has done in and through Robert.

Please pop over to ...100 Huntley Street's webpage and watch the program ... my segment is on May 30th, Carolyn Ross, and starts at around 36:00

Spiritual Abuse?

2006-05-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

Do we abuse those we lead? Are we abused in our churches?

My friend, Michelle, told me about a great article she found on spiritual abuse. It was indeed eye opening ... and ... sobering. Especially for us in Ministry.

Please go to A Pure Heart, Michelle's blog and read. It is powerful.

The gardens

2006-05-27T07:18:00.000-04:00

Lorna, here is a foretaste of what God has been doing in our gardens ...

Lorna's Coming to Visit!

2006-05-27T07:11:00.000-04:00

Lorna from SeeThroughFaithis coming to visit me next week. All the way from FINLAND!!!!

I'm so excited about spending some time with this wonderful woman of God. I've watched her blog and she's been so faithful to come in and encourage me on this one, I feel so honoured that the Lord would provide an opportunity for me to serve this beautiful Minister of God. It's always nice to be in communion with other female Pastors as we are not as common as I would like to see. Lorna's one of those Pastors who truly do the title justice.

So I'm preparing the house.

May I tell you, what fun it is not! :eek: :giggle: I'm thankful for the opportunity ... do you think maybe the Lord brought Lorna my way to force me to finally rearrange the furniture in the livingroom? We bought new couches over two months ago. I'm so embarassed and the old couch is still in the livingroom, along with the new ones. They're not well placed, believe me. If I were not too proud to show a picture, I would. LOL

God is good.

Lorna, I am so looking forward to meeting you. I pray you enjoy the restful time in our garden after what looks like a very, very busy vacation. Hugs.

Now That's God

2006-05-22T18:24:00.000-04:00

This is so beautiful, it was sent to me by some friends by email. Enjoy.

The Cleansing Stream, I see, I see ...

2006-05-08T20:16:00.000-04:00

I plunge and oh, it cleanses me!!

I am fresh from another Cleansing Stream retreat. I have attended these retreats twice a year for about the last 10 years ... delighting in the Lord washing away layer and layer of *guck* from my life. This time was no different.

I've been involved in the leadership and on the ministry team for the last 8 years ... my first leadership role was 6 months after I received a healing from M.S. at another retreat.

Now I am on staff at the church which is responsible for Cleansing Stream in Canada and I was on the agenda to present two of the categories as well as responsible for training a group of the 'anointers' ... those who minister God's healing on the prayer line. It is awesome!

I watched as over two hundred people worshipped, listened, wept, repented, cried out to God, prayed together to receive healing and freedom, sang, rejoiced!!! I cried with some, rejoiced with others, cast out a demon or two, danced, sang, and even spent some time on the carpet visiting with God in a precious new way.

Yes, He is so sweet.

I still feel like a little girl dressed up in her mommy's ball gown, complete with pearls and huge high heel shoes and wondering how little ol' me got there! I'm playing with the big fish ... don't they know who I am? Don't they know how inadequate I am? Yup ... giggle ... that's why they ask me to play with them.

It's an honour, a precious time with God's people and I can hardly wait for the seminar to start up again next fall so we can prepare for another retreat in November.

Good Friday and Family

2006-04-14T21:06:00.000-04:00

After five years of missing Robby, we are now enjoying family times together ... times we have been denied for so many years. It was beautiful to be together in a restaurant together tonight as a family. It's the first time we've done it. My dear hubby loves to cook and we usually have everyone over, but this year we're struggling with mould in the house and do not want to take the chance on Jadzia getting ill. Soo... we decided to go to a restaurant for our family dinner. It was so precious.

Robby is doing so well. I am incredibly proud of him ... here he is with his girlfriend Milly, and of course, Jadzia.

Kelly and her husband are doing so well. He has just bought a motorcycle and they are incredibly excited about what is ahead of them. This also means maybe Grandma can have so more quality time with grandbaby.

'Unca' Bill is not going to let anyone know how much Jadzia has his heart, but I think this picture sees past his mask and shows his delight with her. She doesn't sit still long enough to get a clear picture ... she's a sweetie.

It is so sweet to be Grandma ... and Mom ... and Mother in Law. It amazes me how a simple time like today could bring me such incredible joy. We surely do not know all of what we have until it is taken away ... and then returned.

God is good.

St Maartens

2006-04-11T17:19:00.000-04:00

This was the view for most of last week. Sitting on a lounge chair at a 5 star hotel, watching the water run over the garden in the center of the pool. Ahh, St. Maartens.

Here ... here is the view that met me every morning:

This trip was a gift from God. We ended up with a two bedroom suite complete with terraces off the bedroom with a lagoon view, a terrace off the living room with an ocean view, a full kitchen, a full livingroom with a wall made of sliding glass windows that opened right up ...

Can you imagine???

It was paradise. I felt like a little girl who was given the best gift at Christmas time. My Father loves me so much. What a blessing. I may never again have the opportunity ... or maybe I will ... but to be in that place with a good friend who loves me and listens ... well, it was a gift from God.

New Picture of Grandbaby

2006-03-28T15:37:00.000-05:00

So long ...

2006-03-28T15:28:00.000-05:00

I realize with surprise that it has been over a month since I last posted. Dear, Precious Husband (DPH) and I have both been struggling with upper respiratory illnesses and it has taken all my energy to simply keep the church responsibilities and ministry running.

I have still to move to the new Church ... but expect that I will be completely moved over by the latter part of April, following the end of semester at the College. Until I complete that work, it does not make sense as my present office is around the corner from the College.

My practice is exploding in my home area and the new church, but I have literally had no new clients at the old office in 2 months. I guess that is confirmation that I must move!

God is good through all this.

As many of you know, I give a lot of free counselling. I cannot say no to people who cannot pay and who genuinely need the help. DPH has often questioned my motives, especially when the bank account is close to 0 and I'm denying myself 10 clients a week at $100.00! But I know the Lord is calling me to do this.

Well, I received a precious gift from the Lord last week. One of my former associates had a time share come available to her in St. Maartens at a 4 star hotel for just the cost of the airfare and she invited me to join her.

So ... we are travelling this Saturday for a week at the cost of just over $700.00! Can you believe it? It is well over a $4,000 Cdn vacation. We had to put it on the credit card ...

God is good. I am thinking that He is giving me a much needed Sabbath rest and I cannot tell you how I am looking forward to it. I cannot express how thankful I am at the opportunity to rest for an entire week! *sigh*

Money is so tight that I cannot buy new clothes and since I've gained weight with all of the medication for a recurring sinus infection, there are few clothes that I can fit into to take with me. But that's ok. I'm just going to be thankful for my old clothes and pack them up and be thankful when I am laying on the beach with my Bible and my dear friend and my Lord.

Doesn't it sound great? Pictures to come ...

Crucified With Christ

2006-02-14T13:26:00.000-05:00

This is so beautiful! I found it on

Gal 2:20 - "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." KJV

In this piece, the bride has yielded herself to Christ; here she is basking in the glory of God. She is crucified with Him; nevertheless, she lives. (see Gal 2:20) She has been raised with Christ to a new life sharing His resurrection from the dead – her new, real life is hidden in Christ with God. (read Col 3:1-4 AMP). She, with unveiled face, beholds Him as in a mirror. She is being transformed into the image of the Lord. She has made a divine exchange –her veil for His veil –instead of being separated from Him she has become separated unto Him. The veil then takes on the characteristics and symbolism of the bridal veil. It is symbolic of being spoken for. It is a mantle of purity, signifying that no one else has access to the secret places of her heart (read 2 Cor 3:16-18). The light has shown forth and she shall manifest the majesty and glory of God. (read 2 Cor 4:6).

Glenda Wilson is a passionate student of scripture and has been a prophetic and revelational writer for a number of years. In 2001, she began a new journey …Renderings of the Heart ™ ...a collection of illustrations and writings inspired by dreams, revelation, life experiences, and observations. The most amazing thing about the art is that prior to September 11, she had never created a piece of art. She has had no formal training. He placed His Spirit on the artisans of old, and once again He is supernaturally empowering His people to accomplish His purposes.

Her art, writing, and speaking covers a broad spectrum; from healing the broken-hearted to releasing creativity and revelational gifts. At the heart of everything, is an agenda to teach people how to understand and maximize moments of visitation from the Lord.

The writings that accompany the pieces are as life-changing as the art. God beckons the viewer to go to that place of revelation that He has within each piece …there the Holy Spirit ministers it in a most personal way. In the privacy of their own home, God works through the art and writing to minister His purpose, which for many is something that is better experienced alone with God.

The print can be ordered by telephone, call 1-866-354-5245 (USA only -- if outside the USA, please call 1-541-926-3250) between 8:00 am – 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday, Pacific Time.

word cloud

2006-02-14T10:26:00.000-05:00

I found this on Penni's blog , what a neat idea. It is a word cloud made up of your blog words - then have it made into a tee shirt!

The Divine Ambush

2006-01-31T14:10:00.000-05:00

I just had to cut and paste this from the Elijah List dot com today. It fell upon my spirit like the gentle rain of grace. Enjoy.

It is by Jill Austin, one of my favourite authors ...

The Divine Ambush

Jesus Was A Mudslinger Too!

During three days of fasting, the Lord showed me Jeremiah 18:2, "Arise and go down to the potter's house and there I will cause you to hear My words." I thought, "Wow Lord! There are mudslingers in the Bible! You're a potter! But, still, how can You use me? I have such a longing to be used by You but I don't know what it would even look like."

A Holy Ambush

It was the last day of a festival I was attending, and it was drizzling and overcast. I was assigned to spend some time with the children at the festival, and the children reminded me that I had promised to show them a potter's wheel. I really didn't want to go out in the rain, but I knew that I was trapped. So I went out onto the muddy field thinking, I shouldn't have promised and this is stupid. I took a piece of clay and with exasperation, said, "Oh, all right, come on over!" The children were so excited.

Now I had to deal with not only making a pot in the rain, but with my bad attitude. I was frustrated and angry, and I especially didn't want to make a pot for children in the middle of a muddy field. But, I tried to get my heart right because I wanted the Lord to use me. I also wanted to be nice to the kids because I thought, the Lord's going to take me to the woodshed later.

So in the middle of the muddy field and the drizzling rain, I put the clay on the potter's wheel, and I began to center it. All of a sudden, I heard the Lord's voice. It wasn't a big holy moment or a radical revelation. The heavens didn't open, and the angels didn't begin to sing. I was wrestling and working out my heart and, although I didn't realize it yet, God had just ambushed me by using these little children to push me through the birth canal and into what would eventually become my prophetic destiny.

The Audible Voice Of The Lord

As I spun the wheel, I heard God say,

"I will center you and take away your double-mindedness. I know you."

As my hands started to go into the foundations of the clay, He said,

"I will build a foundation which is based on the Word of God. When you were in your mother's womb, I knew you and loved you."

Revelation just started to flow through my whole being. My hands became His hands. I'd made thousands of clay vessels before, but suddenly He added the living word of God.

"You are beautifully and fearfully made."

I was listening to Him talk and thought, Wow, Lord, that is really good! He responded,

"Well, if it's that good, why don't you repeat it?"

So, still concentrating on my pot, I simply repeated what I heard. I said things like,

"I know your destiny, and I know your birthright. Your form was not hidden from Me. Your name is written on the palm of My hand."

As I spoke, the revelation of the Lord fell on me. A crowd started to form around me out in the rain and the dreariness, and people started to laugh and cry.

As I pulled up the walls on the pot, I repeated,

"I will shape you and pull up your walls, almost to the breaking point, but I know who you are. I know your shape; I know your form. I know your function. My fingerprints will be seen on you."

I ended up making two vessels in the rain, and when I got off the wheel, I was trembling. I knew the Lord had sovereignly given me a profound gift. I knew He had spoken through me. I didn't know it was prophecy. This was 1971; there was no language about prophecy yet.

Ambushed Again!

A few days later, my Pastor phoned me and said that he had heard that I was doing stories on the potter's wheel.

"I only did one at the festival," I replied. He shared about the Saturday night concerts at the church and how they wanted to feature local talent before the main band. He asked if I would be willing to share my story on the wheel. Naively, I said I would.

The next Saturday night, I showed up at the church with my potter's wheel and wearing my overalls and my clunky, clay-covered hiking boots. The Pastor asked me to come to his office where all the musicians were hanging out. They were all wearing their black, shiny leather jackets and looking cool. I went up and said, "Hi guys!" and tried to look cool along with them. It's really hard to project a cool image as a female wearing dirty hiking boots.

The Pastor asked, "Do you have your script? Are you ready?"

I was taken aback, "Script? What do you mean by a script?" You see, I was trained as a fine artist, not a theatre major.

All of a sudden, he looked terrified and blurted out, "Well, you have to have a script. I asked you to tell a story on your potter's wheel. Didn't you write down your story and memorize it?" With an intense look on his face he asked, "Haven't you done that?"

Well, you see," I stammered, "God, He talks to me, and I listen and then just repeat it."

He looked shocked and said, "Nooooooo! You can't do it that way!" All of a sudden, sheer panic fell on me.

"You're right, I can't do it that way." I didn't know I needed a script. God, I should have asked You what I was going to talk about. I didn't even know enough to ask. I've got to run and hide and find some place to hear You and pray.

So that's how I ended up in the broom closet, terrified, as I heard the pastor's footsteps coming down the hall. He knocked on the door, and I said as nonchalantly as I could, "Yes? Come in."

He pulled open the door and said sternly, "No. You come out!"

A few guys carried my potter's wheel out onto the stage. Fear gripped my heart as I watched them carry it all the way to the other side of the huge stage. Oh Jesus, why did they take it over there? How am I going to get all the way across the stage?

I took a step out from behind the curtain, got halfway across the stage and made the mistake of looking out at the audience of 2,000 people. Four thousand eyes were all staring back at me, and I froze. I had this silly grin on my face, but inside I was screaming, God, get me out of here. I promise I'll be good! I'll never sin again. I repent, forgive me for the past, the present and the sins I haven't even committed yet. Why was I so stupid to say yes to this? I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I'm so totally disqualified. This was so stupid; I'm so stupid--stupid, stupid, stupid.

God To The Rescue!

Suddenly I saw an open vision, and I heard the Lord say,

"You know your clay, right?"

And then He walked across the stage, and it was like I hung on to the hem of His garment and followed Him across that long stage and sat down at my potter's wheel. I managed to say, "Hi!" to the audience. I was still so scared. I didn't know what else to do, so I began making a pot. I put the clay on the wheel, and as I added water and began to center the clay, I heard the living, audible voice of the Lord.

The Gift of Prophecy

"Oh my child, I will never leave or forsake you."

My response was, "What took you so long?" But I didn't want to get too mad because I didn't want Him to stop speaking. So I began to hear the voice, and once again I portrayed God's heart while making a beautiful vessel.

As my hands went deep into the clay, He said,

"I will pull up your walls and I will shape you. When you were in your mother's womb, I knew you."

As I formed the clay into a pitcher, He said,

"And you shall be My mouth piece. I will glaze you blue with revelation and with the gold of My Glory. I will send you forth to Argentina to bring forth revival to my people."

I shared approximately 15 minutes, and as I walked across the stage, 2,000 people gave me a standing ovation. It sure wasn't because I had stage presence or looked cool. It was because Holy Spirit came.

I believe part of the key of moving in the prophetic is having a heart like a child that will simply follow Him. As soon as you get hung up on the titles, you begin to lose that child-like faith to fly like an eagle.

Jill Austin
Master Potter Ministries
www.masterpotter.com

~~~~~

Holy Ghost Goosebumps! This eaglet is flying!

Update ... again

2006-01-27T06:29:00.000-05:00

Again, I must apologize for not being in and adding posts which will astound you with their deep and meaningful expressions of what the Lord is doing in my life. (as though in my wildest dreams, I could even think that that would be the case!) *giggle*

My life really is too busy. The Lord breaks through almost every day of late to remind me that I need to bring some more balance into my time. The demands of ministry are great and I love my work so much, there is always one more person who needs to be heard and another who cannot get counselling because they have no money. They're willing to do anything to spend some time with another human being who really cares. How can I turn them down?

I thank the Lord that for every person who cannot afford to pay for counselling, there are three who can, who can support those in our body who need to be picked up and held and cared through their trials. I know that each person who comes through my door or calls my line is a child of the most High God ... it is His responsiblity to care for them and for me. What treasures I have, maybe not in money in my bank account, but in my heart as I watch the Lord work through their lives!

Awesome, but I digress. *sigh*

As many of you know, there have been changes going on in my ministry and in my life. The Lord exposed a difference in theology in our church which I have struggled with for several weeks. I want so much to work in unity with the people of God. I respect the thoughts and theologies of others, but it has been increasingly difficult to work in the environment ... I will not get into particulars because it really doesn't matter.

I see myself as an eaglet. I'm in the nest. I've been resting, learning, growing and now it is time to fly. The Lord is an amazing God and He teaches the mother eagle how to send her babies out of the nest. Remember, an eagle builds her nest way up high in a tree or on a cliff. In order to teach her eaglets how to fly, she nudges them off the edge, lets them fall, and then swoops down below them to catch them and bring them up to safety.

Can you imagine the fear and surprise of a precious little eaglet, leaning back in her comfortable nest, being brought food from mommy day after day after day? Ah, the life... and then one day ... mom comes along, nudges her out and woooooosssshhhhhhhh ... our little eaglet if plunging, faster, faster, faster down to earth. Something, created by Almighty God, rises up within her causes the little eaglet to flap her wings, faster, faster, faster ...

And then, when it seems the little one is doomed for destruction ... mom comes along, swoops down and catches the babe. *sigh* *safety* Mom brings the child back up to the nest and the others comfort her as her heart slowly stops pounding. This goes on for several days. Finally, the eaglet in her distress learns how to flutter a little and hold her own in the fall. After several weeks of this not so fun exercise, finally mom starts to bring sharp objects into the nest. No longer does she bring pieces of fur and lovely soft things to snuggle under, but she brings sharp pieces of glass and twigs. It is not so comfortable in the nest any more.

Mom has a purpose.
She is teaching and training her babies.
She is not hurting them, but causing them to grow.

She is teaching them to fly.

Finally, one day, mom pushes the little ones out again. And when they flutter and bring themselves back to the nest, she pushes them out again.

*?????*

It is time to go. It is time to start their own lives. The nest is not so comfortable any more. Mom is always there to love and comfort, but only for a short time now.

God has a job for the children now.

Their own lives.

In many ways, my life is similar to this little eaglet these days. I know I must leave the nest and go on to another stage in my life and my ministry. I look forward with great excitement to a new chapter. In a precious Church and with precious people I have ministered to for years in another capacity through Cleansing Stream Ministries. In many ways it is an answer to prayer, in many ways it is a stretching which I am not so comfortable with.

But I know it is God's call. And ... I am at peace with it now.

Ode to Pastor Mike

2006-01-27T05:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Pastor Mike:

As I prepare to move into a new Pastorate, the place to which I believe God has called me, I want to express some of my thankfulness to God for bringing me under your Pastorate for the last two years. You have indeed been a great blessing to me and I want to express that somehow here.

Please do not take my leaving the church as a failure of your ability to Pastor. I know that you struggle with my decision, but I want to share a little bit of what the Lord has been showing me these last few weeks.

My leaving is not a testiment to your inadequacy as a Pastor, but as a testiment to your ability.

When I needed a place to land after Dr. Angelo DelZotto's illness, you provided that place. When my mentor, and my father in the Lord was no longer able to minister to this child, you took over that place.

Even though you are younger than me, the evidence of the Father's Heart and the Apostolic call on your life gave me a place to land, and to rest.

I came green, inexperienced as a Pastor and you showed me what it was to be a Pastor.

I watched you grieve, and cry, and mourn, and pray over your flock. I saw your struggle when they struggled. I saw you give and give and give until it hurt you and then I saw you give some more.

I learned how to have faith through seeing your faith. No matter what happened in the church, no matter what was going on, you held fast to the call that God had given you to shepherd His precious sheep no matter what the danger.

I saw you take wayward and hurting sheep into your office day after day and listen to them. You loved them, you guided them, you discplined them when they needed and when they came in broken, you placed them upon your shoulders, sometimes literally and carried them until they were able to walk again. And then you watched and prayed over them while they recovered. Many, many times in the last two years, I have been one of those sheep as I cried and prayed and fasted over my precious son and the challenges of his disappearance and of our lives.

You provided an anointed office for me to start up my infant practice. When I struggled with a client, you listened to me and offered the Father's very heart for them when I couldn't hear His voice for my fear and inexperience.

You scolded me, gently, as a Father would, when I was way out of line in my emotions.

In many ways, I came to your ministry broken myself. Even though I have been called to minister the precious healing of God to His precious people, you were there to minister that healing to me time and time again.

When I brought my husband, broken as he was ... you accepted him for the call God had placed upon his life. You saw the potential and you would accept nothing less for his life. You called him forth into the Priestly position in our home and he has flourished under that expectation and anointing. For that especially, I thank you.

I do not regret one moment I spent in Streams and under your covering.

You have no idea the impact that you have upon your people as you struggle working out your own salvation with fear and trembling. No idea, Pastor, how you affect us in our own walk. You call us to a higher level with the Lord.

Isn't that what a Pastor is supposed to be?

And your teaching ... I have learned so much about the Word of God through you and your sermons. Week after week, I saw evidence of your time alone with the Lord when you presented meat and sweet dessert from the Bible. You opened up Scriptures and the lives of the Patriarchs in a way I never heard before.

You taught me to walk into the calling God had for me. You never called me Carolyn, but 'Reverend Doctor' ... reminding me continually of the call that God has placed upon my life. I do not think I would have walked into the success in ministry and private practice I enjoy had you not called me forth into that.

When I struggled with theology and new concepts from the Word, you gently carried me through and showed me love and compassion where my training and degrees should have brought me. Indeed, you called forth the Word that was hidden in my heart and allowed the Lord to weave it all together into balance and most important, the expression of love to the sheep.

That is all that matters. That's what you taught me more than all. The precious people of God, the sheep that are in His pasture and not ours, the very people He suffered and died for ... they are all that matter. Bringing them to a greater knowledge and understanding and fear of the Lord. Modelling it, teaching it, stumbling through the trials of life and finding ourselves firmly planted at the Feet of the Master together.

How can I ever thank you for what you have been to me in ministry? Father ... Friend ... Pastor ... Counsellor ... Priest ... Teacher ... Apostle ... Leader ... Example ... Healer ... Brother ... Confidant ... Support ... Discipline.

No, precious Pastor. You have not failed at all. You simply took me under your wing and nurtured me until I could fly. Then, with sadness, you released me into my next Pastorate.

I only pray that I can continue to grow under the covering of another precious Man of God as I have under you. I feel ready to continue into my ministry as God has called me to.

The eaglet is ready to fly. Watch me! Everything the Lord does through me and my ministry is on your account ... beautiful jewels in your crown! May the Lord continue to bring others into your Apostolic ministry to enjoy and flourish under the Father's love as I did.

I love you with the Love of Christ, Pastor. And I bless your ministry. You are called to something much bigger and grander than you have any idea. Remember the Sword. It is that of the Lord. He will cause you to rise up and cover many like you did me. And it will all be for His Glory.

Amen, and Thank you, Lord.

Inconsistent??

2006-01-05T11:16:00.000-05:00

I apologize that I have been so scarce the last few days. I actually have been very, very busy in a different sort of way.

Normally, I am sitting in my office, counselling, praying, worshipping, studying, preparing for the courses I teach, meeting with other Pastors, etc. When I think of what I do, my head spins!

However, this last two weeks I have been peeling, scraping, 'mucking', sanding, and finally ... painting, painting, painting, painting!

My precious house is over sixty years old and we are the second owners. Since I was ill and wheelchair bound in the beginning of our marriage and then went to post graduate studies for five ... well, need I tell you how much decorating was done in the last 10 years?? Not much.

Here is the before of the kitchen ... I am almost embarassed to post this ...

Now ... I cannot post the after because ... well ... I ran out of time and *sigh* paint. But it will be coming soon.

So if I am not around, that's why. You can be sure that as I sit today in my lovely office in Toronto that I will be thinking of my little house and the remaining baseboards and doorframes that need to be painted and the walls which need to be 'mucked' and sanded.

It feels good!

Our Christmas

2005-12-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

Here is a brief photo diary of our Christmas (actually Boxing Day) Visit.

As many of you know, my son returned home after being a prodigal for five years. We did not know if he was dead or alive and just prior to his 20th Birthday, he finally made contact. Our first meeting was on his 20th Birthday for a party.

This Christmas was the first time our entire family had been together in 8 years! This is all that is left of my immediate family. Both of our parents are dead as is my older brother. Robby was gone for five, but we were not able to get together as a family on the same day for the three years prior to that. Robby was only 12!!! So, this was a miraculous and precious day for us all.

The others in the photos are:

My daughter, her husband and their three year old granddaughter - otherwise known as 'the most beautiful grandbaby in the world!'
My son, and his girlfriend
My husband
My sister and her husband

We also had a visitor, who took most of the pictures ... my very best friend ... Anne.

It was truly a magical day for me. Do the pictures show it? I think the kids were a little frustrated with so many pictures, but I know in a few years they will be so glad that we did it. Actually, neither of them realized that it had been that long since we were all together as a family.

2005-12-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

pinched

2005-12-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

You Are Prancer

You are the perfect reindeer, with perfect hooves and perfect flying form.
Why You're Naughty: Because you're Santa's pet, and you won't let anyone show you up.
Why You're Nice: You have the softest fur and the sweetest carrot breath.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

The depth of the riches

2005-12-12T14:30:00.000-05:00

I am trying out my hand at writing the devotionals for the internet radio station ... what do you think?

Today's Verse: O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!
Romans 11:33 / KJV

Imagine the Apostle Paul writing to the Roman church. There was much to read in Rome in those days ... exquisite poetry, finely crafted moral philosophy, laws, decrees ... but all of it worldly, of no heavenly good.

Paul knew this well. He was very well educated and often, I am sure, debated philosphies with many other educated men during his time in Rome. But Paul now had a much better message to talk and write about. The Lord Jesus! Intimacy is now available with God! From the context of the Scripture, we find that Paul was writing to non-Jews to show them that now the door to the Lord was open for them as well!

He was also expressing how precious it is to know the Lord. In the Biblical sense, 'knowing' means being very, very intimate, to the point of being one. What beauty there is in the anaology of marital intimacy to the Lord.

The natural outworking of Intimacy with the Lord is Fear of the Lord. Awesome, reverent, holy fear of the Lord. And ... in that fear comes wisdom, knowledge and understanding. What awesome gifts!

Proverbs 9:12 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Isaiah 11:2 The Spirit of the Lord will rest on Him -a Spirit of wisdom and understanding,a Spirit of counsel and strength,a Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord.

Oh, the depth of the riches of knowing God!

Today's devotional

2005-12-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

Today's Verse: For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God.
1 Corinthians 1:18 / KJV

In The New Living Translation, we read ... "I know very well how foolish the message of the cross sounds to those who are on the road to destruction. But we who are being saved recognize this message as the very power of God. "

The message of the Cross does seem foolish to many these days. I wonder at the number of Chruch Fathers who wrote exactly these words in generations past. How would they feel if they were to be living now ... in 2005? Do you wonder how they would look at our world today?

I could write for pages on the difference between 'our time' and 'their time', but I suspect that Paul's purpose at the time he penned these words from a prison cell so many years ago was much different. I suspect that his purpose was to turn those who read the words to the Cross and its 'message as the very power of God'.

As I sit at my computer in a world much different from Paul's and that of our Church Fathers, I listen to an internet radio station playing a song with the lyrics ... 'What can wash away our sin, what can make us whole again, nothing but the blood, nothing but the blood of Jesus. Thank You for the Blood!'

The very power which raised Christ from the dead, resides within us as His people. (Romans 8:11). With that power available to us to do His work, we can indeed rest that the message of the Cross is 'the very power of God' and the most beautiful message of all. I challenge you today to meditate and speak upon this truth today.

now this is funny

2005-12-06T23:03:00.000-05:00

I found this all over the net, but i understand it found its start at Faith Or Fiction

Please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL MEMORY OF YOU AND ME. It can be anything you want--good or bad--BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

Memories - light the corners of my mind~

Misty, water-colored memories~

Of the way we were....

this is hysterical ... i always thought it was ... like the corners of my mind!!! teeeeeeheeeeeee

Word of Faith

2005-12-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

what do you know?
what do you think?

i'm struggling with it in my church.

topics please ...

2005-12-03T11:57:00.000-05:00

i have been requested to develop and record a series of devotionals for our internet radio station ... wordnetradio.com

i have been thinking of doing a series on 'walking in the Spirit' as that seems to be what God is revealing to me through my counselling practice.

i've been praying that the Lord would reveal what He wants to speak through me.

any suggestions?

maybe some of my friends with more 'well travelled' blogs (you know who you are!!) could suggest what appears to interest people?

robert called today

2005-12-01T22:56:00.000-05:00

that's him with 'the world's most beautiful granddaughter'. i wish i had taken a picture of him all dressed up when he was going to school. i bought him several suits and he looked so good ... so pastorly.

here i go digressing again ...

anyhoooo, he did call. i miss his precious face so much, it has been three weeks since i saw him. he sounds terrible. he is not feeling well. it seems that they are dealing with drama after drama ... every time i talk to him there is 'lots of his plate'.

please do pray for my precious boy.

i know he is safely tucked in the Father's Hand. God's will for Robby's life ... it WILL be realized.

ever feel like you need to find a place to rest??

2005-12-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

and a friend to rest with??

walking in the Spirit

2005-11-21T10:53:00.000-05:00

this is where i have been for the last few weeks or so. life is incredibly busy ... i'm teaching two post graduate courses at two colleges, preparing for the upcoming Cleansing Stream retreat at which i am one of the speakers (on freemasonry!!), and trying to keep up with all of the demands of full time ministry. people are struggling. i have heard little from my son since he left with milly. i have been doing all i can to walk in the Spirit ...

there are many Scriptures to support what i am going to write, but i do not have the time this morning to link to them. i'll come back later to do all the linking.

the foundational teaching of the Cleansing Stream Seminar is teaching the church how to Walk in the Spirit. Based upon Galatians 5 and Romans 8 for a start, the growing Christian is taught that we must crucify our flesh and walk according to the Spirit of God.

Once we are able to truly give the Lord control ... to surrender our lives to His perfect plan for our lives, we are ale to live in that secret place ... the strong tower of the Lord ... the peace that passes all understanding. the joy of the Lord becomes our strength. it's a beautiful place.

the Lord allowed me that awesome revelation in a powerful way the day that i pulled robby's bail. i had a client show up at my home later that evening... it was his regular time but he had not been scheduled. i was really out of it. sad. crying. afraid. since he was going through something far worse than i, i 'sucked it up' and went down to meet with him.

well, God does meet us when we crucify our flesh, because then we are 'in the Spirit' and able to hear His voice. the fact that i had been fasting for a week didn't hurt either. so i find myself telling this precious man that although he finds himself in a place that appears to be a set back, that God knows all ... that He may be taking him out to do the work in others, and in him. That God is in control. He knows all. Nothing surprises Him. Not 'their' actions. Not our actions. and ... He is able to bring all things togther for all of our good. He is interested in our eternal future ... our character ... our likeness to Jesus.

ding
ding
ding
in my own heart

i could release my son, his girlfriend, his career, his school, his safety, his future ... and our relationship.

i've had a sense of peace for the last two weeks that is beyond understanding. and joy. and strength. and purpose. and trust. and ... well, it is well with my soul. why? because my soul (and body) is securely tucked in under my spirit, which is hidden with Christ in God. yoked up with the Lord ... easy and light.

sigh

it is a beautiful place.

so my question is ... why do we struggle to stay o u t of that place? are we nuts? why do we fight the Lord's work in our lives when we know it will bring us into perfect peace? i speak to myself as much as i ask others.

i think of you ...

2005-11-11T11:39:00.001-05:00

when i read today's Scripture ...

Romans 10:15 ...it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!

thanks so much to those who have held us up in prayer during this trying time. it has been a journey for sure and i'm so thankful for those who have walked it with me. i know that God will be glorified in this process ... and that we will all end up more like Him in the process.

thanks friends.

Scriptures ... hanging on them today ....

2005-11-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

Zephaniah 1:7
Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.

Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you."

i pray that i will be able to form a sermon around these Scriptures tomorrow. this has been an incredible time for me. how He has proved Himself faithful to me emotionally when i but submit my Spirit to His and crucify this screaming flesh!

anybody know any good time management courses or books? lol

a day i thought i would never live through

2005-11-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

thanks so much for your prayers, from the bottom of my heart.

i thought i was going to die last night. my heart was so heavy and broken. bill was really getting scared.

then one of my clients came. i did not have him scheduled, but it was our usual time. well, i sat and talked with him and God really intervened through this man's struggle. i found myself talking to him and God was talking to me ...

He showed me that this does not surprise Him and thus, He is in this with robby, milly, bill, and i. He wants them both for His kingdom and He is capable of holding them and bringing them there. i immediately had such peace, it is amazing.

the kids came this morning and removed all of their stuff. and although it broke my heart to see robby carrying his things out, i was able to have such peace. finally, as he came for the last load, he was by himself. calmly, he came to me and said ...

mom, i'm not leaving you. i'm just leaving here. we can't all live together, but i still love you. i'll see you next week for school. i'll call you. i love you.

i told him that although i thought he was making a mistake, that i still respected his right to make it and that i would be here for him if he ever needed me. he will always be welcome here.

he gave me a hug.

i'm positive the Lord is working in him. i'm not happy with the way i have dealt with milly and one day soon i will have to apologize when things calm down.

i'm so thankful that the Lord continues to deal with me in His mercy.

oh Lord, bless them ... have mercy on me.

amen.

they are moving

2005-11-07T14:00:00.000-05:00

finally, things came to a head and milly has been asked to leave. unfortunately, he has chosen to go with her. it makes me sad, but it is probably the best for evening involved.

:(

i will update later, when i get myself together.

my heart is breaking.

Zephaniah 1:7

2005-11-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

This is on my daily Bible Verse today:

Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.

*sigh* this really speaks to me today...

ooooo ... i'm on a roll

2005-11-02T00:17:00.000-05:00

i will teaching the material from my doctoral dissertation next week at the Bible College associated with our Church.

since i have to present the students with a textbook, i have been preparing the material to publish. they will get a simple copy of the first edition ... and i cannot tell you how excited i am to edit this again.

woooooowwwww, God did an awesome job of writing this book! can't wait!

great quote

2005-11-01T07:02:00.001-05:00

"It takes guts to go and tell a complete stranger that something is seriously wrong with you but it takes a really tough old bird to then go forward and fix it because doing so often changes every aspect and every relationship in your entire life. " Hey Jules

Commiting everying to God!

2005-10-31T23:03:00.000-05:00

tonight was our third cleansing stream evening.

i have been involved in this ministry for almost 10 years and have led the seminar for the last four.

God has blessed me with the most incredible group of people this time around. they are so hungry for the Lord and for His presence in their lives, we can barely stop at 10:00. i'm sure if i did not close the door and turn off the lights that they would still be there praying and praising God until 1:00 in the morning! what a blessing!

our first two sessions focused on 'walking in the Spirit'. Tonight we talked about 'committing everything to God'.

to hear these precious people talk about how God has led them through the last two weeks ... shown them when they are in flesh, helped them to walk in the Spirit ... and the testimonies that they have about His great faithfulness in their lives ... well, it is so satisfying.

i've come home revived. rejuivinated. renewed. refreshed.

how thankful i am for these days ... and how i realize after all these years ... it is so easy to find ones-self in the flesh ... sigh.

He's a good God and i guess i do not have to tell you what i commited into His precious, capable Hand this evening.

thank You Lord!

Thankful for His keeping grace

2005-10-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

it's been a long few months.

i've been reflecting on what has happened and the challenges we face. even yesterday when i went to visit with sr. pastor (my boss) and his wife, i am so aware of the challenges those in ministry are facing right now.

i see it in my practice. marriages are challenged. people are tired and stressed. they're looking for something ...

i have many non-Christian clients because of the Employee Assistance Plans i work with. this has truly been a blessing for me. what an outreach! people come into the office and they immediately sense the peace and tranquility there. it's not me. that office is consecrated to the Lord. His presence is truly there in a precious way.

what an outreach to offer this place of peace and sanctuary to seeking people ... they are looking for that peace that passes all understanding that can only come from a personal relationship with Jesus!

but i digress ...

what i have been thinking on this morning is God's keeping mercy. my daily practice is to soak in the tub in the morning and read my Bible. the Lord blesses me with sweet communion of Spirit, and often i am overwhelmed that i have read 10 or more chapters before i stop. He is showing me a consistency in the Scriptures i have not seen before.

today it was romans. after chapter 12 i had to get out of the bath and start to get ready for my day. robby is struggling today ... he was up all night with a terrible croupy cough and he's wanting to sleep in a little later. it's 11:30 and he must get up as my first client is 1:00. (today is his study day at my office)

i want to cry with all that is going on in our house. there doesn't seem to be any place where i can get my peace ... the oppression is strong ...

then the Lord met me in my tub. lol. we had a time of sweet conversation. He infused me with strength and peace. He gave me the love and desire to make it through one more day with the issues we have been challenged with.

today is the first day of my fast. i am praying for His wisdom. we've been here before with milly and robby and yet, i still do not have the peace i need to tell her to leave. how He loves her. i need more of that ... i also need to know how i can possibly help this girl if she is to be left here for us to help.

sigh

that's why i'm fasting. there is no other way to get to the heart of God for me right now.

thank you penni, for your comments to yesterday's post. the Lord wouldn't let your comments out of my head ....

What about this room?

2005-10-29T18:31:00.000-04:00

the entrance to the room ...

this is the laundry pile!

This is what milly's room looks like today.

does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get her to get this place under control?

we've tried contacts. we tried threats. we've begged. we've cried. now we're at the point of telling her to leave.

my concern is that robby will leave with her ... it's obviously not the best choice, but it is his choice. if i could work this out in a respectful manner maybe we will not lose everything we've worked so hard to gain.

ack. sob.

her true personality

2005-10-10T08:05:00.000-04:00

although the picture we chose is very peaceful, this is Jadzia's true personality. i love the photographer, she sets up a booth in the local mall and takes the pictures in this little black 'booth' ... you can see kelly's hand to the right, mom stands in a little alcove.

She then uses an advanced version of 'photoshop' and adds a background. last year we chose a garden, this year we chose the top steps of a church. you can see the door behind her. it's very pretty.

when we were finished, Jadzia just stood up and started to dance for the 'crowd' which had formed. the photographer caught it.

2005-10-09T17:28:00.000-04:00

last year's picture ...

how she has grown.

thankfuls ...

2005-10-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

are we in ministry too busy?

2005-09-30T10:30:00.000-04:00

i remember reading in the Elijah List last year that this would be a year of distractions.

hmmm.

i see so many distractions in the lives of those i counsel, especially those in full time ministry. i see them in the students at the Bible College. i see them in my own life. things are happening all around them (us) and if they (we) are not careful, the distractions exhaust and walking in the Spirit becomes even more difficult.

does anyone know what i mean?

when we are walking in the flesh (our mind, will, emotions and body according to a recent study of the hebrew and greek) we are being led by the flesh. but when we walk in the Spirit ...

Galatians 5:-17: This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would

i wonder how those without Christ keep their sanity sometimes. i just don't know what i would do if i could not snuggle up against the feet of Christ and receive the rest He gives.

even then, i realize that it is becoming a daily struggle to keep my peace when the trials of life, ministry, parenting, marriage, friendship, keep pounding against me and there seems a constant outflow of energy. i know the Lord is greater than anything i struggle with and He will give peace and strength when i press into Him.

that's the point i'm trying to make.

this is what He is showing me.

He is allowing all these things to cause me to press further and further into Him for my strength. not to my training, not to my flesh, not to other people ... but firmly into His strength, anointing, being. and oh, how the flesh screams! the flesh really does want to do it all.

think of the old testament circumcision. cutting off the flesh. hmmmmm. crucifying the flesh ...

Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

John 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

so the distractions, they are in the flesh. they are meant to expose how much we are still walking in the flesh. they are a good thing. actually, a gift from the Lord. after all, He is more interested in our growth toward Christ - who fought the flesh, and crucified it in a way that few if none of us will ever have to do. What an example. What a great God!

blogging personality

2005-09-28T23:08:00.000-04:00

i found this on

Penni's

blog, who got it from

Gayla's

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

no drama for me? tell that to robby's girlfriend! lol.

his first paycheque

2005-09-25T21:59:00.000-04:00

i should have taken a picture ... of the cheque ... and of his face.

robby has a job.

he's working with a duct cleaning firm. Mighty Ducts i'm not kidding. lol

he worked hard this week, only a couple of days, but hard because the hours were so long. he had to take the transit bus from one end of Toronto out to our little town ... a two hour trip and about $10.00 one way. but he did it.

and he was so proud of himself. look ma, he says, my first cheque. isn't it neat?

the beauty of this job is that his boss knows everything about him ... his past ... his future, everything. he will work around robby's school schedule as it changes and will give him Sundays off for church. it is right from the Hand of God.

sometimes i am so thankful for God's mercy and grace. for His sustaining, guiding Hand. once i settled down with the bail restrictions, everything has been so sweet. robby's really making it.

that's what he said tonight.

ma, i feel like i'm living a completely different life. i'm so thankful for where i am and your unconditional love for me. thanks so much for letting me stumble around and just loving me in the process.

*sob*

2005-09-24T23:34:00.000-04:00

i pinched this from penni's blog, who took it by way of ukok's blog - the 23:5 Meme (who found it via alica...)

Rules:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to it).
3. Find the 5th sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these
instructions.

He's a body guard or security guard, one of the two, I'm not sure.

wow, that was a good day. it was the first *sighting* of the prodigal, robby.

up in the night

2005-09-22T03:48:00.000-04:00

can't sleep tonight. the Lord has been dealing with me, my husband, my son, his girlfriend... how i thank Him for His grace and mercy when we are stumbling along our walk.

i've been reading other blogs tonight of Christians who like me are struggling with this walk. i want nothing more than to glorify Him in my life. in the minstry, we are under a microscope. not to be judged, but to be followed. paul said ... follow me as i follow Christ.

i had a long meeting with my senior pastor today. what an awesome man of God he is and how i thank God i am under his ministry. it truly is a place of safety and anointing. we've loved each other as brother and sister (sometimes spiritual father and daughter, even though i am almost a decade older than him).

how we have learned amazing lessons over the last several months.

over the last few days, bill and i have been agonizing about what to do with these kids. we know that milly needs to be back home ... we know that we were to open the door to her ... it's been so difficult to iinclude another person in our lives after five years, let alone two.

but what a lesson it has been!

my busy schedule has not allowed for much interaction. i have had to come home to listen to bill's complaints, robby's complaints, milly's complaints. i've talked to the Lord and other friends, ad nauseum, about mine. we've learned to love and tolerate and flail (is that a word??) around searching for the boundaries we are beginning to wonder are long gone.

once again, i had to consecrate this boy ... to realize that in asking milly to leave, i might be losing my son as well. i had to realize - the Lord is sometimes not so tender with his shepherds as He is with His sheep - that i had been agreeing with fear and not with Him.

ouch. ouch. ouch.

robby has been learning the lessons a pastor needs to learn. how it has hurt to watch him, knowing i have to stand back and let him struggle with the Lord to work out his own salvation and fight his own demons.

*sigh* being a mama ... being a counsellor ... being a pastor. i'm so thankful that the Lord is leading us down this narrow hallway. there is something coming ... we must be prepared.

rattle, rattle. bang, bang.

2005-09-16T05:13:00.000-04:00

here i am again, Lord. i'm standing outside a door in this doorway rattling the doorknob, yelling, and knocking.

i thought You told me to go to this door? am i not hearing Your voice correctly?

Lord, i want nothing more than to do Your perfect Will in my life and to lead Robby as You have called me to do. again, in the early hours, i come to You and again, i consecrate this journey to You knowing that You will lead us tiny step by tiny step.

i know that You long to be glorified in our lives. Lord, please, anoint me to show Your love and the fruit of the Spirit in my everyday disappointments.

hmmmmmmmm. robby and i went to court yesterday morning at 9:00. we were told that if we were there that within an hour or so that the bail restrictions would be changed and the transfer of surety from nancy to me would be complete.

then robby could start school and his life.

*sigh*

it didn't happen. why did it not happen? at 2:00, they still had not found robby's file! the file which includes charges, the 'victim's' disclosure that she lied (old girlfriend, breakup, false charge of domestic abuse, yadda, yadda). these are charges which will be dropped in due time, but due time must be due.

Lord, what are you teaching us? me? robby?

at 2:00 the duty crown, bless her heart - she worked so hard for us, told us to go ... that was great because my first client of 6(!!) was in half an hour. so we 'wasted' a day waiting in the court.

or did we?

we had a great day. we had breakfast together, we had lunch together, we went outside so he could have a smoke, we went inside and sat on hard wooden benches and talked, we went outside for him to have a smoke. we went to a local store and got a great deal on some excellent quality pants for him to return to school. he sure does 'look' like a pastor even if at this point he doesn't act like ... nor can he go to school to learn to be ... a pastor.

i think i'm starting to see something ...

the lessons. he's learning valuable lessons.

they rebooked his court date for october 6th. that pretty well settles his school. he will have missed three weeks of classes. that is almost impossible - outside of God's strong anointing - for him to catch up with the classes. if, that is, the registrar will even consider enrolling him.

*sigh*

me thinks we have been rattling door handles that the Lord does not want us to open.

i get this picture in my mind of me ... did you catch that? me ... not robby of whom this story is supposed to be all about ... hmmmmm ... me ... rattling the door handle and the Lord standing on the other side. he's got His big Hand up against the door preventing me from getting that d.a.n.g.e.d.t.h.i.n.g. opened. rattle, rattle, bang, bang. sigh.
ya think maybe i'm not getting it???

*sigh*

oh, Lord. thank You for leading us. please, continue to lead us. i'll listen, really i will. thank You for the lessons we are both learning. i love you so!

as we are walking out the door, pastor robby says to me ...

"mom, He has to have a reason for this. He has promised to lead us tiny step by tiny step. His perfect Will ... it will be done. we just need to trust Him."

ahhhhhhhh, a lesson from God through pastor robby to pastor carolyn. don't you love it?

it is a narrow hallway

2005-09-13T09:23:00.000-04:00

i cannot believe the journey we are on.

God gave me a vision this week of walking down a very narrow hallway. there are doors all along the walls. robby and i are walking and trying the doorknobs. on the doors that the Lord wants us to open, the doors open before we approach the door. at the doors where we try and they are not God's plan for robby's life, we are rattling the doorknobs.

He showed me rattling and shaking a couple of doorknobs and then explained that He would make it 100% sure that i knew this was a door we were not to go through. all the rattling and skaking and knocking would not open that door no matter how loud we yelled and knocked.

i realized He was telling me that He was going to lead us moment by moment, step by step.

we've been trying to get robby in Toronto to go to school, to do his community service hours, to go to church, and we've been stopped by the lawyer since the end of June. we need to have his bail surety removed from nancy to me and have met with delay after delay. we've been calling, leaving messages, getting other people to call, and this lawyer will not even return the calls. i've been crying to the Lord, i don't understand.

finally, with the help of a duty counsel (who is also a sister), we will be able to have what we need done on thursday. it means that robby will miss the first week of school, but that's ok.

it has been a powerful object lesson from the Lord.

He deals with me a lot in this way. it has been a powerful tool for me to use in counselling as i can quote a Scripture, but to express it in real life 'drama', it makes so much more impact.

The Lord is showing me. He's been leading us ... step by step. in HIS time, not in ours. His guiding Hand opened the doors before we knew they needed to be opened and held closed the ones we thought we were supposed to go into.

when we ask Him to lead us, He takes that seriously and if we are but ready to walk a small step at a time, we'll hear His voice and see His light on the path before us ...

what a relief!

closed doors, opened doors, God's direction

2005-09-07T23:33:00.000-04:00

have you ever wondered why certain things appear to be good to go and yet they do not materialize. and ... you have perfect peace in the process, but just don't understand why?

this seems to be our lives lately. in retrospect, i see God's powerful Hand closing doors all around us and directing us.

robby went today to register for grade 12 - to finish his highschool and ease himself into life again. we thought it was a great idea until all of the doors closed. we thought everything was good to go, but yet, they told him he was too old to come back, and that he would be better suited for 'alternative learning' (read rebellious kids hidden away 'cause they're going to fail anyhoo), but that 'alternative learning' was not available to him because it was full. then he was told he could go 30 minutes east to another town for another - even worse - school.

we didn't want to accept that.

robby went back to the principal after a couple of hours and said ... listen, all i want to do is learn. i don't care if i am 2 years older than anyone else. i've wasted five years and i only want to learn. please give me a chance.

she said ok.

go to a guidance counsellor and register.

the guidance counsellor says to robby .. you know what? you're smart and you're mature, i think you would be better suited to go to college or college prep instead of spending the two years it is going to take you to catch up your grade 12.

when he asked robby what he intended on going - trade school - or whatever? robby told him Bible College and then told him which one ...

the guy says - i know that college! oh, by all means ... go! this from a secular guidance counsellor.

we expected another year, but it appears to me that God has closed all of the doors to us except this one. the college does have a high school attached, so robby might go there for the last year, or he might go to college, we don't know.

we have an appointment later this week.

i'm starting to understand why we have gone through the sleeping arrangement thing like we have. he has to come to the place where he obeys because it is our rule and God's rule, and he wants to be obedient because he chooses to be, not because he has to be.

Matthew 21:28-32 But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him.

how can a future Christian counsellor or Youth Pastor possibly do his job if he is obeying the Lord because he has to? he won't last a minute like that. all of us in ministry know that it is a continual, constant crucifying of the flesh to stay afloat. how dear robby is learning this lesson first hand.

interesting huh?

your comments please

2005-09-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

i am going to open up something without giving you the solution that we have arrived at for this problem. i may end up with my pastorly butt in flames, but i want your thoughts and opinions anyway. all opinions respected and considered.

problem one:
it has become necessary for our milly to leave her home. i alluded to it earlier and i do not feel that i can share all of the details, but i will share that she has no other family, she was not even living with her parents, but her mother's cousin and there was a good deal of abuse and other activity involved which left her with nowhere else to go but to our home.

we could have sent her to a shelter, but i've been in one and i know it would be out of the question for her. she's street smart in some ways, but broken in others.

problem two:
robby wants milly to sleep in his room with him. they have both assured me that they have chosen not to have sexual relations, and that they fully intend upon getting married in a few years. i certainly concur, they are made for each other.

of course, bill and i disagree with them sleeping in the same room. morally ... because i am a pastor ... and for their own good.

i have tried to explain that when i accepted the ordination, i took all the curtains off my home. i must live to a moral standard that is above reproach for the sake of the people God has put under my care.

- they both agree that this is not the 'way it should be'. she should be home with her family.
- they both agree that the Word of God is clearly against premarital sex and even the appearance of evil.
- they both agree that the church would not approve.
- they both agree that they need to obey the rules of our house and our morals.
- she knows that she wouldn't have been able to do this at her home, and they were not christians, nor in full time ministry.

they believe they are not doing anything wrong because they are not having sex.

they really have grown up in a completely different world. we wouldn't dream of bringing this up to our parents. this generation thinks nothing of it. society thinks nothing of it.

bear in mind, robby knows he will be a pastor one day, but his relationship with the Lord (i want to say 'obviously' but have a check about it) is not what it will be. he says it is much better than it 'was', but not what it will be. i believe that it is Holy Spirit's job to convict them of sin, not mine.

there are other issues involving my husband that robby brings up. he has done it privately because he does not feel that he should intrude or judge what bill is doing, but he has a point. bill has some besetting sins that are as bad or worse than the issue at hand. i have discussed the difference between a parent and a child. but robby really is not a child any longer. he believes that bill is being hypocritical by doing this and not dealing with his own issues.

*ducking the flame thrower*

problem three, and probably more the root of the situation:
- i'm afraid i will lose robby if i am hardnosed about this
- he is afraid he will lose her
- she feels she has caused way too much trouble at our home
- we are all afraid that this will cause irrepable harm to my marriage because bill is dead set against her living in the home for a moment longer than necessary.

my struggle:
- i want to honour my husband, but feel he is being very hardnosed and not dealing in love with this.
- as a pastor, i know i should be dead set against this, but i have such peace that we will come to a compromise that will work for us all and that getting legalistic and hardnosed about this is not the solution.

have i lost it?

we have come to a solution, not everyone is happy about it, but it is one that we can all live with for the moment. we have agreed to come back together in one week and discuss how we feel.

we have agreed that bill and i meet with our senior pastor - my boss - and talk about our feelings.

they have agreed to meet with senior pastor and talk about their feelings.

is there a glaring issue i am not seeing?
mothers really cannot counsel their own family.
what do you think?

just sharing my thankfuls

2005-09-04T18:10:00.000-04:00

he looks snarky here, but he didn't have his contacts in and was squinting. it's his 'tough' look. lol

seeing things through different eyes

2005-09-04T16:14:00.000-04:00

robby is going back to school next week. he decided that he would return to the local highschool and complete his grade twelve diploma before going on to Bible college. i think this is a very good decision and i applaud his maturity and courage to do so.

as he is still not working, i took him out to make sure he had some nice clothes to return back to school. you would have to know this dear man's heart to realize how difficult it is to be without money when he had spent several years in the drug and gang arena. there was always money available and his wardrobe was high end.

now he is buying $20.00 wallmart track pants.

today we decided that it would be a mom and robby day and so we went out to lunch alone and then off to wallmart. his stash of four pants and three sweat shirt cost $85.00. his shoes are falling apart and since we couldn't find size 14's (!!!!) there, we went to the local mall. i knew that i would probably have to pay as much for one pair of runners (i remember 5 years ago well) as i did for all the clothes.

we found some runners and they were having a sale at the store for 1/2 price for another pair, so i bought him two. then i saw his eyes light up when he saw a basketball suit. he didn't know that i saw him and he went off to look at the t-shirts. i went over and found that the suit (white, no less) was on sale for 1/2 off again (it was a really good sale) and that i could get this $200.00 suit for $100.00.

i grabbed it off the rack and gave it to the salesperson. robby was almost in tears. i couldn't decide if it was shame, thankfulness, or what it was. all along he was sad because i had to purchase these things. i, on the other hand, was having a great time! it is a joy to buy him anything because he appreciates it soo much.

i was kidding him about just being thankful because to not be would be to steal my joy and my blessing. we joked about it on and off all day.

well, the bill rang up to just over $300.00. The girl looked over at robby and she said ... i guess you'll have a lot of dish duty to do for this, huh?

robby, poked me and said, 'nope, i'm not going to steal my mom's joy.'

lol

when he was walking out of the store, he said he was going to go over to look at something in another store. the sales girl remarked how lucky he was.

i told her that when she has other mothers or fathers who complain about having to spend money on their kid's back to school clothing that she has permission to tell all about the mom who paid $300.00 with tears of gratefulness in her eyes because she had a son alive who could wear them.

i know it impacted upon her.

i pray that others will be blessed. i love to share the blessing of what i am living right now ... i sure wouldn't want anyone to steal the blessing that could be received from his story.

for all the stuff we're dealing with and all the uncertainty, i am reminded of the incredible honour it is to be the parent of any child. robby is giving me more joy than i can even begin to express just by being himself and being alive.

God is surely a good God.

corrected?

2005-09-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

how does so much time go by and i do not have time to post on this thing? *sigh*

life is heating up here. nothing like what our dear neighbours to the south are living through, i cannot imagine how they are holding up in the south. thank God there are kind hearted souls who are rushing to their aid. from up here in canada all i can do is send some money and pray, pray, pray, but ... as my dear friend penni says, i digress ....

my precious son and his girlfriend are just so much fun to be around. i wish i had a picture to post of them but neither of us stick around long enough for the camera to be of any use! *wink*

edited ... i now have some pictures ...

i will not share the details of milly's trials because that is her story to tell, but ... she has moved in with us due to issues at her home which just could not be resolved. we have been trying for over two months to mediate and bring unity there, and unfortunately, it was not successful.

last night, this dear one moved into our home. i wish you could see the downstairs of our house and even more so, my precious husband's face! just imagine what an almost 18 year old girl would bring when she moves in! i don't have that much stuff myself at almost 50! bless her little heart.

so, with all the crisis going on, i kept calling it 'drama'. it sure seemed like that to me. i could write a soap opera on the stuff that has been going on in her family. finally, i got a little frustrated with robby because he has been very distracted by the goings on and told him that the 'drama had to stop' and he had to get his mind and his actions focused on his future. now is the time and milly's crisis will go on and on and on, so he may as well get some of his own life on the right track.

well, it was not well received. it was actually kind of funny to be bickering with my son. can you imagine? a mother saying that she enjoys bickering with her son?

i should have called penni before i started to talk with them because she understands this generation's language more than i do.

it was the 'drama'. you see, a drama queen is one who causes lots of trouble everywhere she goes and loves it. a girl who cannot have a normal life because it is not fun and she makes sure that everyone else's life is all wrapped up in her life so that she can feel worthy or needed or whatever. hmmmmmm.

he was not impressed i was using that term. hmmmmmm. is there any truth there?

i didn't mean it in an unkind manner at all. i love this girl like she is my own daughter. truth be told, she reminds me of me so much when i was that age. she has been living in the most impossible situation all of her life and deserves an opportunity to put her life on track and show the wonderful things God can do through her.

but i'm not supposed to call her a 'drama queen'. which i did not do, well, maybe once, but not with the nasty intention. funny. i love how he supports her and loves her. it's cute.

things are fine now. i apologized to her and explained my understanding of 'drama'. just stuff that doesn't end and is not fun, you know?

so .. what do i call the stuff that is going on in my house? is it drama? is it stuff? all i know is i went from a nice quiet home to a home full of kids and stuff and music and love. that part is so great. bill's not impressed, but he'll move over eventually and get used to it. maybe he's the drama queen??? it wouldn't be me???

lol.

on a lighter note

2005-08-19T23:16:00.000-04:00

i had my sweet, little Jadzia over for the day. mama has started working nights and she spends the entire day with our little fireball so i offered to take her for the day so kelly could sleep.

she's such a fireball! we had so much fun. she'll be three in a little over a month, but she is the tiniest thing. i put her in the stroller and we walked down to the beach just a short walk from my home (lake ontario) there is a wonderful park for the kids and because the storm you see in my other post was brewing, there were few people there. we enjoyed that beautiful 'calm before the storm' time and played in the park for a little more than an hour.

what fun. i've promised to take her over tomorrow should the weather hold and i'll take some pictures of her running from one area of the park playground to the other. it is a great jungle gym and she made good use of it today!

well, i brought her back for her nap at 1:00 and needless to say, grandma's house is waaaaaaaaay too much fun to have a nap at so she ran around and terrorized me while i attempted to put together a new filing cabinet for the room i am going to be using as an office.

then we had THE STORM. that was way too much fun to sleep through. well, the little sweetheart finally crashed on the couch after her bath. i'm sure she has not moved for at least 2 hours now .. here's a picture ...

don't you just love digital cameras? we get such great shots sometimes!